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02-10-2015, 10:36 PM | #31 |
Apocalyptic Poster
Location: AA meetings
Posts: 4,026
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write a novel, or a graphic novel, that's what I'm trying to do
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02-10-2015, 10:37 PM | #32 |
Minion of Satan
Location: "I'm a quivering collection of the worst and least helpful emotions: fear, anxiety, terror, paranoia, indigestion, dishpan hands..."
Posts: 7,765
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who's not here half the year, who i cant make legal here because i'm such a fuckup (which leas to more self hatred because of guilt) and who has been in a depression since nearly as long as i met her and at least once every two weeks tells me she should kill herself (i dont think she would though because shes actually terrified of death like i am but when she says it its not like lightly either, it's when she's very upset).
I mean i love her and i'm glad i have her, i'm just saying, it isn't all great because you have someone. I do believe she'd be a lot better off without me. With someone else who can actually help (i know i seem to absolve her from responsibilities towards her own life but she needs help really really badly, it's not a case of making it out of this if you just try and the kind of help i can offer is limited, love and emotional support is great but it doesn't do much for anyone otherwise practically speaking) |
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02-10-2015, 10:40 PM | #33 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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im sorry, i wasnt trying to say that having a SO makes things all better. im sorry things are so rough for you two (and everybody)
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02-10-2015, 10:41 PM | #34 | |
Minion of Satan
Location: "I'm a quivering collection of the worst and least helpful emotions: fear, anxiety, terror, paranoia, indigestion, dishpan hands..."
Posts: 7,765
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Quote:
For myself i mainly game to forget about all the ways i am unsatisfied with my life. I use it the same way others use drugs. Really. It's compelte escapism and it satisfies me less and less (i guess i need "harder drugs").I know for a fact if i didn't game i'd probably have to end up in the psych ward. It's a way for me to not be left too long with just my thoughts. Of course it also often times makes me waste endless hours i should be using to do something practical. |
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02-10-2015, 10:42 PM | #35 |
Apocalyptic Poster
Location: AA meetings
Posts: 4,026
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Still better than not having anyone
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02-10-2015, 10:42 PM | #36 |
Braindead
Location: Ignore List
Posts: 17,229
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it really is. being alone is dangerous
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02-10-2015, 10:45 PM | #37 | ||
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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Quote:
Quote:
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02-10-2015, 10:46 PM | #38 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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02-10-2015, 10:47 PM | #39 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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life sucks lets kill ourselves immediately.
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02-10-2015, 10:50 PM | #40 |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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02-10-2015, 10:52 PM | #41 |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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do you know i hate everything i write minutes after i write it, that's why i ninja edit so much
writing actual pieces or essays or even trying to write a novel brings extraordinary pain everything brings pain, all the things i have ever done to try and "improve myself" |
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02-10-2015, 10:53 PM | #42 |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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i even quit smoking dope for a year and a half and still felt like shit all the time
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02-10-2015, 11:05 PM | #43 |
Minion of Satan
Location: "I'm a quivering collection of the worst and least helpful emotions: fear, anxiety, terror, paranoia, indigestion, dishpan hands..."
Posts: 7,765
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like 3 years ago I had the bright idea to write a gamebook of all fucking things for my personal satisfaction, allegedly.
Turns out after like 500 pages (i set out to make an epic one...) and about a year of putting 30 mins to 2 hours a day into it I realised personal satisfaction was not enough to get me to finish it. I mean it would be me and like half a dozen losers on a gamebook collecting forum reading it,all of who who'd tell me it's too fucking long,too much like an actual novel and probably unbalanced gameplay wise. Here's the problem with my brain, it's only ever been interested in doing completely impractical things. All the stuff i ever was in any way motivated to sink many hours into in my life have never and will never give me a financial return. I mean what kind of loser sinks like 300 hours into writing a fucking gamebook? What is this? Wtf is wrong with me? I'd make fun of this kind of nerd if i met one. |
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02-10-2015, 11:06 PM | #44 |
Immortal
Posts: 26,795
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the smoking exacerbates it all for me. I stopped. I function on a base level where before if I drank or smoke it leads me to that place where pulling the trigger will happen. doling out advice sucks but trying to be sober, honestly, has helped even though I'm still on the verge or feel exhausted at the end of the day. I'm hoping something snaps and I get confidence by struggling through this. There is and always will be perspective to be gained. I try to keep that in mind. I had an amazing conversation with an older gentleman today re-entering the workforce. he has a phd. And is essentially going for a customer service job. he offered perspective by him just doing that. How sucky that is. But it is hard to see that the pain will bring any gain. Some of it is just self destructive. But some of it is also building your character and neurons and shit and science, aliens, tacos, pure vitamins.
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02-10-2015, 11:07 PM | #45 |
Immortal
Posts: 26,795
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also the only thing keeping me hanging on is a good few hours of music+headphones and searching for that one song that gives you peace or release.
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02-10-2015, 11:07 PM | #46 |
Minion of Satan
Location: "I'm a quivering collection of the worst and least helpful emotions: fear, anxiety, terror, paranoia, indigestion, dishpan hands..."
Posts: 7,765
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All i retain from your post is tacos.
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02-10-2015, 11:09 PM | #47 |
Minion of Satan
Location: "I'm a quivering collection of the worst and least helpful emotions: fear, anxiety, terror, paranoia, indigestion, dishpan hands..."
Posts: 7,765
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If it looks like a taco, why can't i eat it?
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02-10-2015, 11:12 PM | #48 |
Immortal
Posts: 26,795
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Tacos are a reason to live.
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02-10-2015, 11:12 PM | #49 |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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sobriety is a fucking nightmare
every day of my life is a joke and yet i'm not even as disadvantaged as 90% of the world "They say the white man invented existential angst When he ran out of other problems See the thing about those problems was Typically more money would solve them." |
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02-10-2015, 11:13 PM | #50 |
Minion of Satan
Location: "I'm a quivering collection of the worst and least helpful emotions: fear, anxiety, terror, paranoia, indigestion, dishpan hands..."
Posts: 7,765
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Good thing you dont live where i live. You'd find that finding tacos is difficult. Nevermind good ones (though if i'm honest to me tacos are like pizza, any taco is a good taco) Well...i guess unless you want to make it yourself. Which is probably best really.
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02-10-2015, 11:13 PM | #51 |
Immortal
Posts: 26,795
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Sobriety has been very hard. But it's kept me alive. And more in control. the drugs never work /queue that awesome verve song
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02-10-2015, 11:15 PM | #52 |
Immortal
Posts: 26,795
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I have tried Mexican in Toronto when I was "living there". There was only one good place (good being edible at minimum... Not amazing or even authentic) but yeah the further north you go the worse Mexican food gets butchered into whatever local palate.
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02-10-2015, 11:16 PM | #53 |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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what about the mental patient drugs i take for some reason
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02-10-2015, 11:17 PM | #54 | |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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Quote:
NYC and chicago would be exceptions i guess, just by virtue of size |
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02-10-2015, 11:18 PM | #55 |
Immortal
Posts: 26,795
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Well I take those too... I guess that's not sobriety but I need those to be somewhat "stable" right? Just keep venting but don't be serious cuz i luv you man. And I feel you. Not patronizing. Yr just worrying me. Because I feel the same.
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02-10-2015, 11:20 PM | #56 |
Immortal
Posts: 26,795
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Chicago did have excellent Mexican food though because of the huge population in the south side (I think it's the south side). New York I'd imagine does somewhere too but it's probably a locals only thing and not anything hugely popular to whiteys in Manhattan. I haven't spent enough time in much to know but I can confirm good Mexican in Chicago.
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02-10-2015, 11:20 PM | #57 |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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my therapist basically told me the other day that i have to do something for myself because there's only so much she can do to help, get me stabilized and tell me how to fix things
but why bother? i've done things over the years, none of them worked, all of them ended in misery. i can't get out of where i'm at because of my emotional distress and inability to buy into the bullshit. i'm supposed to grow up and accept the system and play the game as per my therapist, everyone else why am i paying someone to tell me what i hear in the bar from people who don't really give a fuck |
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02-10-2015, 11:21 PM | #58 |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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"you should get a business degree then and stop whining, and eat some bananas and get some sunlight for once you're so pale"
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02-10-2015, 11:21 PM | #59 |
Immortal
Posts: 26,795
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I love the Mexican here in slc. Some of the best I've had even better than what I've run into in San Diego or even in Mexico. Mexico City has the best al pastor in the entire world tho.
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02-10-2015, 11:21 PM | #60 | |
Banned
Location: I believe in the transcendental qualities of friendship.
Posts: 39,439
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Quote:
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