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Old 02-10-2015, 10:36 PM   #31
toase
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write a novel, or a graphic novel, that's what I'm trying to do

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:37 PM   #32
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well, teb at least you have a SO.
who's not here half the year, who i cant make legal here because i'm such a fuckup (which leas to more self hatred because of guilt) and who has been in a depression since nearly as long as i met her and at least once every two weeks tells me she should kill herself (i dont think she would though because shes actually terrified of death like i am but when she says it its not like lightly either, it's when she's very upset).

I mean i love her and i'm glad i have her, i'm just saying, it isn't all great because you have someone. I do believe she'd be a lot better off without me. With someone else who can actually help (i know i seem to absolve her from responsibilities towards her own life but she needs help really really badly, it's not a case of making it out of this if you just try and the kind of help i can offer is limited, love and emotional support is great but it doesn't do much for anyone otherwise practically speaking)

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:40 PM   #33
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im sorry, i wasnt trying to say that having a SO makes things all better. im sorry things are so rough for you two (and everybody)

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:41 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Trotskilicious View Post
you mean the thing i did over the past 15 years instead of what everyone else did, learn how to do something that's now starting to pay off for them? yeah no it's because i have nothing else to do and it used to be enjoyable now i hate it and wonder why i keep doing it

For myself i mainly game to forget about all the ways i am unsatisfied with my life. I use it the same way others use drugs. Really. It's compelte escapism and it satisfies me less and less (i guess i need "harder drugs").I know for a fact if i didn't game i'd probably have to end up in the psych ward. It's a way for me to not be left too long with just my thoughts.

Of course it also often times makes me waste endless hours i should be using to do something practical.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:42 PM   #35
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Still better than not having anyone

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:42 PM   #36
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it really is. being alone is dangerous

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:45 PM   #37
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Originally Posted by Trotskilicious View Post
you mean the thing i did over the past 15 years instead of what everyone else did, learn how to do something that's now starting to pay off for them? yeah no it's because i have nothing else to do and it used to be enjoyable now i hate it and wonder why i keep doing it
i think its possible that if/when you stop you will be able to get more out of therapy and possibly improve your ability to enjoy any aspect of your life. i'm not saying it's the weed's fault or stopping it would make everything better but doing drugs every day usually helps someone deal really well until it doesnt and they dont know what the fuck they are doing anymore

Quote:
ah good the thing i am not good at and the reason why i am stuck because i cannot excel at this base level
i dont know what to say man, dead end work sucks and if you are stuck there it becomes imperative that you have other things in your life. although i would never offer you that kind of do good just go out and take a trip to somewhere new! or something advice, it is possible to try new things. i mean i have the same problem.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:46 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by toase View Post
Still better than not having anyone
i dont think this is necessarily true but it is for many people

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:47 PM   #39
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life sucks lets kill ourselves immediately.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:50 PM   #40
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write a novel, or a graphic novel, that's what I'm trying to do
the fuck is the point of this, is this going to find me some kind of financial stability?

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:52 PM   #41
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do you know i hate everything i write minutes after i write it, that's why i ninja edit so much

writing actual pieces or essays or even trying to write a novel brings extraordinary pain

everything brings pain, all the things i have ever done to try and "improve myself"

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:53 PM   #42
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i even quit smoking dope for a year and a half and still felt like shit all the time

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:05 PM   #43
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like 3 years ago I had the bright idea to write a gamebook of all fucking things for my personal satisfaction, allegedly.

Turns out after like 500 pages (i set out to make an epic one...) and about a year of putting 30 mins to 2 hours a day into it I realised personal satisfaction was not enough to get me to finish it. I mean it would be me and like half a dozen losers on a gamebook collecting forum reading it,all of who who'd tell me it's too fucking long,too much like an actual novel and probably unbalanced gameplay wise.

Here's the problem with my brain, it's only ever been interested in doing completely impractical things. All the stuff i ever was in any way motivated to sink many hours into in my life have never and will never give me a financial return.

I mean what kind of loser sinks like 300 hours into writing a fucking gamebook? What is this? Wtf is wrong with me? I'd make fun of this kind of nerd if i met one.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:06 PM   #44
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the smoking exacerbates it all for me. I stopped. I function on a base level where before if I drank or smoke it leads me to that place where pulling the trigger will happen. doling out advice sucks but trying to be sober, honestly, has helped even though I'm still on the verge or feel exhausted at the end of the day. I'm hoping something snaps and I get confidence by struggling through this. There is and always will be perspective to be gained. I try to keep that in mind. I had an amazing conversation with an older gentleman today re-entering the workforce. he has a phd. And is essentially going for a customer service job. he offered perspective by him just doing that. How sucky that is. But it is hard to see that the pain will bring any gain. Some of it is just self destructive. But some of it is also building your character and neurons and shit and science, aliens, tacos, pure vitamins.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:07 PM   #45
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also the only thing keeping me hanging on is a good few hours of music+headphones and searching for that one song that gives you peace or release.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:07 PM   #46
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All i retain from your post is tacos.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:09 PM   #47
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If it looks like a taco, why can't i eat it?

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:12 PM   #48
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Tacos are a reason to live.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:12 PM   #49
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sobriety is a fucking nightmare

every day of my life is a joke and yet i'm not even as disadvantaged as 90% of the world

"They say the white man invented existential angst
When he ran out of other problems
See the thing about those problems was
Typically more money would solve them."

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:13 PM   #50
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Tacos are a reason to live.
Good thing you dont live where i live. You'd find that finding tacos is difficult. Nevermind good ones (though if i'm honest to me tacos are like pizza, any taco is a good taco) Well...i guess unless you want to make it yourself. Which is probably best really.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:13 PM   #51
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Sobriety has been very hard. But it's kept me alive. And more in control. the drugs never work /queue that awesome verve song

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:15 PM   #52
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I have tried Mexican in Toronto when I was "living there". There was only one good place (good being edible at minimum... Not amazing or even authentic) but yeah the further north you go the worse Mexican food gets butchered into whatever local palate.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:16 PM   #53
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what about the mental patient drugs i take for some reason

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:17 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by noyen View Post
I have tried Mexican in Toronto when I was "living there". There was only one good place (good being edible at minimum... Not amazing or even authentic) but yeah the further north you go the worse Mexican food gets butchered into whatever local palate.
i had enchiladas with flour tortillas and velveeta and hot dog chili in kankakee illinois and i vowed to never eat mexican food in any state that doesn't touch mexico

NYC and chicago would be exceptions i guess, just by virtue of size

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:18 PM   #55
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Well I take those too... I guess that's not sobriety but I need those to be somewhat "stable" right? Just keep venting but don't be serious cuz i luv you man. And I feel you. Not patronizing. Yr just worrying me. Because I feel the same.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:20 PM   #56
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Chicago did have excellent Mexican food though because of the huge population in the south side (I think it's the south side). New York I'd imagine does somewhere too but it's probably a locals only thing and not anything hugely popular to whiteys in Manhattan. I haven't spent enough time in much to know but I can confirm good Mexican in Chicago.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:20 PM   #57
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my therapist basically told me the other day that i have to do something for myself because there's only so much she can do to help, get me stabilized and tell me how to fix things

but why bother? i've done things over the years, none of them worked, all of them ended in misery. i can't get out of where i'm at because of my emotional distress and inability to buy into the bullshit. i'm supposed to grow up and accept the system and play the game as per my therapist, everyone else

why am i paying someone to tell me what i hear in the bar from people who don't really give a fuck

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:21 PM   #58
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"you should get a business degree then and stop whining, and eat some bananas and get some sunlight for once you're so pale"

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:21 PM   #59
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I love the Mexican here in slc. Some of the best I've had even better than what I've run into in San Diego or even in Mexico. Mexico City has the best al pastor in the entire world tho.

 
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:21 PM   #60
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Originally Posted by noyen View Post
Chicago did have excellent Mexican food though because of the huge population in the south side (I think it's the south side). New York I'd imagine does somewhere too but it's probably a locals only thing and not anything hugely popular to whiteys in Manhattan. I haven't spent enough time in much to know but I can confirm good Mexican in Chicago.
new york is for italian, pizza, hot pastrami, that kind of stuff anyway

 
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