what depression looks like

[mxzombie]

i deleted my facebook a couple of years ago and my family hasn't stopped hounding me to register again. and i just don't want to. on the heels of that i purged as much of my "online presence" as i could think to do--pictures, accounts, etc and now the internet is just really boring.

but i also do not have any friends and don't feel any strong compulsion to make some, save for a few fleeting moments here and there. i think that since i moved to chicago and it's the first time i've lived centrally in a large city, i've completely turned inward and don't really have patience to deal with anyone. i just started wearing earplugs while i commute on the train and it's extremely satisfying to not have to pay attention to anyone or hear people talking.

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by The exploding boy

Less talking about suicide, more committing.

Talk the talk, walk the walk.


Personally my life is shit but I've been of the opinion for years that i'd rather all the suffering with the tiny possibility things might get better someday (even if I don't really believe that) than the finality of ending it all and then well...having absolutely no chance things will get any better. Anyway I suspect a cancer will likely kill me by the time i'm like 45 (which is within ten years). I'm too bitter negative and stressed all the time for it to end any other way.

I hope things do improve for you and that you're able to keep up with your physical health as well and that you don't get cancer. Things can get better, that might not mean very much to you but it is possible.

Originally Posted by The exploding boy

I stopped FB like 4 years ago (well it's out there but inactive). I'd barely been using it for about 2 years by then. As a result I do not have friends because if you're not keeping in contact online, you might as well not exist. People are overrated anyway. They have needs, wants, feelings and diverging opinions. All of which are pretty annoying.

Other people are annoying, but don't you miss/long for some kind of human interaction? I don't feel like I'll ever get married or have kids, but a really close friend would be nice. All of the ones I used to have, we live separate lives now because of what drugs did to our friendships. A few are tied into the whole psych ward world and unfortunately outside relationships have mostly failed, plus I'm not in that world anymore. So yeah, a nice friend would be cool. One who lives in the area.

[The exploding boy]

Originally Posted by mxzombie

i deleted my facebook a couple of years ago and my family hasn't stopped hounding me to register again. and i just don't want to. on the heels of that i purged as much of my "online presence" as i could think to do--pictures, accounts, etc and now the internet is just really boring.

but i also do not have any friends and don't feel any strong compulsion to make some, save for a few fleeting moments here and there. i think that since i moved to chicago and it's the first time i've lived centrally in a large city, i've completely turned inward and don't really have patience to deal with anyone. i just started wearing earplugs while i commute on the train and it's extremely satisfying to not have to pay attention to anyone or hear people talking.

I have to say, when family members started trying to add me on FB, I knew FB was over for me.

Originally Posted by reprise85

Other people are annoying, but don't you miss/long for some kind of human interaction? I don't feel like I'll ever get married or have kids, but a really close friend would be nice. All of the ones I used to have, we live separate lives now because of what drugs did to our friendships. A few are tied into the whole psych ward world and unfortunately outside relationships have mostly failed, plus I'm not in that world anymore. So yeah, a nice friend would be cool. One who lives in the area.

Well, the only thing friends bring about is opportunities of any kind. When you have no social life, your life DOES remain the same. . Basically I coudn't keep friends because i'm not social enough. I don't need to be around people often enough to maintain meaningful relationships with them, so we just drift away. Eventually I just stopped trying to make new friends since I knew it would end the same. Less stress and guilt this way anyway. I find it hard to remain interested in other people through no fault of their own. I might be slightly sociopathic.

I've got a gf, we've been together 6 years. She's about as social as I am. We are stranded together in a life of disappointment and apathy. Clearly we've got issues but what are you gonna do?

[reprise85]

I mean, I feel you on the people are uninteresting thing. I think the majority are this way, but even if 1/1000 people is interesting/smart, there are a lot of people out there. Like I made friends with this one guy, we hand out maybe every other month but I just... don't like him. There's nothing wrong with him. He's just not in the same mental space I am in, and I think we both realized that at the same time. There are people I connect with, but none of them are available for a closer friendships - one lives in Amhurst most of the year (known him since I was 13, and the other has two small children (one is autistic). We met at work; we got hired a week apart about 18 months ago.

It seems like everyone has something and I just don't have anything. I see myself filling that hole with school and even my cat (who I got a year ago) and I don't think that's bad (seriously, I didn't have anything before), and I do make connections in school, but it never gets very personal and I think that is mostly on me and not on the other people. Since you're new, you probably don't know that when I was super depressed and very PTSD-ed out I couldn't work and basically didn't leave my house for about four years except for therapy and random hospitalizations. It was really this way up until I got my job in Sept 2012. So I've made good strides. I just can't trust people I think is the bottom line. It's pretty sad really.

[MyOneAndOnly]

Maybe it's simply that you've only recently found your way and it takes a while before you get to the point where you no longer feel like you "don't have anyting"

[Eulogy]

Originally Posted by mxzombie

i deleted my facebook a couple of years ago and my family hasn't stopped hounding me to register again. and i just don't want to. on the heels of that i purged as much of my "online presence" as i could think to do--pictures, accounts, etc and now the internet is just really boring.

but i also do not have any friends and don't feel any strong compulsion to make some, save for a few fleeting moments here and there. i think that since i moved to chicago and it's the first time i've lived centrally in a large city, i've completely turned inward and don't really have patience to deal with anyone. i just started wearing earplugs while i commute on the train and it's extremely satisfying to not have to pay attention to anyone or hear people talking.

Have you considered not living in a large city?

[Eulogy]

I mean I don't get the appeal if you don't want to interact with people.

[hnibos]

Here's some depression

I seriously have no purpose to continue living. Every single experience in my life is a painful one. Work fucking sucks but what's the point in looking for another job. I probably won't make more, not that I make much now. My home life sucks and it's my fault for not even trying to care about my partner for the last year and a half or just getting up and leaving. Probably because the only option is living with my parents and I guess I'm too proud for that and feel that would actually be worse. My parents are always hounding me to go back to school but I don't fucking want to because it's awful. My mouth hurts and I need dental work done but it's expensive and I don't want to ask anyone for money. My back always hurts because I sleep on a futon and I just don't want to spend the money on a good bed. I seriously don't want to do anything to make my life better so don't think I'm complaining about anything, I'm just talking. In the past I'd complain, vent, whatever to anyone willing to listen but now I just don't say anything to anyone. I've been thinking about going to a psychiatrist but I've been down that road and I never stick to anything. I mean seriously I have no redeeming qualities and I do nothing. I left work early because my boss can clearly see I'm not ok and I've just been laying here. What a fucking loser I am. It makes no sense that I haven't just ended it and the only reason I haven't I guess is that it requires effort.

[mxzombie]

Originally Posted by Eulogy

Have you considered not living in a large city?

yes, of course i've considered that. my job, which i enjoy, limits my options in that regard. there are many advantages i gain from being in a large city but they come with many unappealing or frustrating disadvantages. i hated living in the suburbs all my life, too.

[mxzombie]

Originally Posted by Eulogy

I mean I don't get the appeal if you don't want to interact with people.

to this point, the things that i enjoy about being in a city don't have much to do (that i see) with having the opportunity to interact with a large number of people on a regular basis. for example, not having to drive to get around, having a wide array of goods and services available within easy reach, museums, sights, etc

[Trotskilicious]

Originally Posted by Eulogy

I mean I don't get the appeal if you don't want to interact with people.

small towns have even more interaction, actually. everyone knows everyone else etc etc

maybe small cities would be another thing

but you can be anonymous and anti social in cities of a million plus, it's easy

[Bread Regal]

i would love to live in chicago. the wife may end up going to grad school there.

[Trotskilicious]

i don't want to live anywhere, i wish i was dead

[toase]

I've been listening to power metal for the last 2 hours


I think I'm depressed


Help me

[The exploding boy]

Originally Posted by Eulogy

I mean I don't get the appeal if you don't want to interact with people.

You'd think that but I come from a very small town and I find life a lot more depressing there despite the fact i live in a city and have no social life. At least there's some life around even if i'm not part of it. In a small town everything just feels dead. My family have been trying to get me to come back to my hometown for years but I just don't want to. Here i'm just depressed there i'd probably become suicidal. My brother didn't try to kill himself until he went back there anyway........

[MyOneAndOnly]

my mother and stepfather live in a small rural town. I would go crazy if I had to live there. They basically sit in their house every day and they only leave when my mother drives to work or they go to church. there's not a damn thing to do in that place. I think there's one shitty restaurant and nothing else.

in terms of personal interaction with other people there isn't any. it seems like a great place to be if you don't want to interact with other human beings

[I'm Hardcore]

Originally Posted by toase

I've been listening to power metal for the last 2 hours


I think I'm depressed


Help me

in a thread where actual suicide has been discussed, you come up with this

[mxzombie]

Originally Posted by Bread Regal

i would love to live in chicago. the wife may end up going to grad school there.

u of chicago? uic? northwestern?

we should hang out again.

[Trotskilicious]

Originally Posted by scottytheoneand

my mother and stepfather live in a small rural town. I would go crazy if I had to live there. They basically sit in their house every day and they only leave when my mother drives to work or they go to church. there's not a damn thing to do in that place. I think there's one shitty restaurant and nothing else.

in terms of personal interaction with other people there isn't any. it seems like a great place to be if you don't want to interact with other human beings

Your family sounds like creeps possibly libertarian tin foil hat wearers

[Bread Regal]

Originally Posted by hnibos

Here's some depression

I seriously have no purpose to continue living. Every single experience in my life is a painful one. Work fucking sucks but what's the point in looking for another job. I probably won't make more, not that I make much now. My home life sucks and it's my fault for not even trying to care about my partner for the last year and a half or just getting up and leaving. Probably because the only option is living with my parents and I guess I'm too proud for that and feel that would actually be worse. My parents are always hounding me to go back to school but I don't fucking want to because it's awful. My mouth hurts and I need dental work done but it's expensive and I don't want to ask anyone for money. My back always hurts because I sleep on a futon and I just don't want to spend the money on a good bed. I seriously don't want to do anything to make my life better so don't think I'm complaining about anything, I'm just talking. In the past I'd complain, vent, whatever to anyone willing to listen but now I just don't say anything to anyone. I've been thinking about going to a psychiatrist but I've been down that road and I never stick to anything. I mean seriously I have no redeeming qualities and I do nothing. I left work early because my boss can clearly see I'm not ok and I've just been laying here. What a fucking loser I am. It makes no sense that I haven't just ended it and the only reason I haven't I guess is that it requires effort.

iirc your dad's a bit of a dick too, right?

[MyOneAndOnly]

Originally Posted by Trotskilicious

Your family sounds like creeps possibly libertarian tin foil hat wearers

I'm 4th generation white trash. My people on my dad's side were what we refer to here as Michigan Hillbillies. the kind of people that today would be part of the Michigan Militia.

I'm very very familiar with the backwoods libtards

[Starla]

Originally Posted by mxzombie

i deleted my facebook a couple of years ago and my family hasn't stopped hounding me to register again. and i just don't want to. on the heels of that i purged as much of my "online presence" as i could think to do--pictures, accounts, etc and now the internet is just really boring.

but i also do not have any friends and don't feel any strong compulsion to make some, save for a few fleeting moments here and there. i think that since i moved to chicago and it's the first time i've lived centrally in a large city, i've completely turned inward and don't really have patience to deal with anyone. i just started wearing earplugs while i commute on the train and it's extremely satisfying to not have to pay attention to anyone or hear people talking.

My main reason for hating facebook is family.

After living in the SF bay area for years, I had to escape. It got to a point where I couldn't handle the crowds, train, noise, traffic, etc. I'm in a very small town now, and I still want to be further north in the woods away from everything.

[slunken]

Originally Posted by scottytheoneand

I'm 4th generation white trash. My people on my dad's side were what we refer to here as Michigan Hillbillies. the kind of people that today would be part of the Michigan Militia.

I'm very very familiar with the backwoods libtards

Fucking poser

[Trotskilicious]

totally

[slunken]

My great grandparents on my moms side lived on top of a mountain in West Virginia and grand dad had a wooden leg he carved himself get out of here with your michigan bull shit city boy

[Trotskilicious]

my ancestors ate a lot of potatoes

[mxzombie]

my dad recently recounted for me the story his grandfather told him about the first time he saw ice, at age 12.

[slunken]

i will never be able to grow a full beard

[slunken]

Originally Posted by mxzombie

my dad recently recounted for me the story his grandfather told him about the first time he saw ice, at age 12.

is this hip hop related?

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by scottytheoneand

Maybe it's simply that you've only recently found your way and it takes a while before you get to the point where you no longer feel like you "don't have anyting"

yeah i'm sure this is it

Originally Posted by hnibos

Here's some depression

I seriously have no purpose to continue living. Every single experience in my life is a painful one. Work fucking sucks but what's the point in looking for another job. I probably won't make more, not that I make much now. My home life sucks and it's my fault for not even trying to care about my partner for the last year and a half or just getting up and leaving. Probably because the only option is living with my parents and I guess I'm too proud for that and feel that would actually be worse. My parents are always hounding me to go back to school but I don't fucking want to because it's awful. My mouth hurts and I need dental work done but it's expensive and I don't want to ask anyone for money. My back always hurts because I sleep on a futon and I just don't want to spend the money on a good bed. I seriously don't want to do anything to make my life better so don't think I'm complaining about anything, I'm just talking. In the past I'd complain, vent, whatever to anyone willing to listen but now I just don't say anything to anyone. I've been thinking about going to a psychiatrist but I've been down that road and I never stick to anything. I mean seriously I have no redeeming qualities and I do nothing. I left work early because my boss can clearly see I'm not ok and I've just been laying here. What a fucking loser I am. It makes no sense that I haven't just ended it and the only reason I haven't I guess is that it requires effort.

You're not a loser. Remember years ago when we talked and you were afraid of your dad being a jerk to you w/r/t your sexuality and religion, etc? Things have changed, and they will change again. I think going to a therapist and/or a psychiatrist would be good ideas, like you say... you have a lot going on and do you have other friends besides your b/f? Therapists are not your 'friends' but there is a big difference between talking to no one and talking to someone, you know?

I don't really like giving straight up advice, but I will for this: get some money and get your teeth fixed. You will have to eventually, why not do it now and get out of pain as opposed to waiting until the pain is so unbearable that you straight up have to ask for help because you NEED IT RIGHT NOW? Your peace of mind is worth it.

Hit me up on facebook, or call me if you want I'm going to send you my phone #