larkin london wants to hug billy

[Cool As Ice Cream]

for about an hour.

I remember being in middleschool, in my english class when my uptight young female teacher used the opening line from "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" to demonstrate to us a simile.
It was that very day I went home and downloaded my first Pumpkins song.
In the weeks to follow I happened upon "Disarm" and for years and years that song was living part of me.
I've always been depressed; my story, while not as sad as yours, still holds much personal tragedy.
When highschool hit; things just got worse for me.
I've wiped most of it from my memory even thought it wasn't that long ago.
I slowly collected, song by song, piece by peice your music.
When I got my first bass at the age of 14 I had never even considered being a musician.
I never learned any pumpkins songs.
I remember my second semester in college I made friends with a musician who became a fixture in my life for the next several years. We played togeather all the time; and I suggested playing Pumpkins covers but at first he just wasn't a fan of yours.
After I introduced him to the song "To Forgive" as the song I really wanted to cover; he became very accepting of your genius, hahaha. I remember just setting and listening to it (we both just learn things by ear) and after about the 5th time threw we just forgot about covering it and he left the room and I set alone for a while. Later that day, we both decided that Pumpkins songs were too holy to cover.
Of course we didn't use the word holy. We were at a Christian college and man; some people didn't like the fact that there was such a thing as Christian rock, let alone secular artists that people on campus listened to.
I remember a teacher in my "Christian Living" class using another line from "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" to talk about Nihilism.
By then I was a pretty hardcore fan. Finding it very funy that a huge picture of you was being projected onto the wall for all my classmates to gawk at.
It was the release of Zeitgiest when I became obsessed (to a degree) with your music. Before then I had been obsessed with Coheed and Cambria (hope that doesn't depress you, hhaha) and before that, no one band had captured all of my attention.
I obtained all of the pumpkins albums digitaly and Zwan and your solo album and listened to all of it that I could. College was a very rough time for me the one year I spent there.
I had been thriving off an obsession of a girl I thought I loved. Sometimes, even today, I still feel like I love her. "Tonight, Tonight" became a hyper-emotional song for me because it was something me and her shared a love for. I remember vividly a day playing hookie from classes and walking the railroad tracks and all of a sudden that song came on and I had to stop and call and talk to her.
haha, this ones funny. I remember a super-christian girl I was talking to told me that your voice was too nasley for her to listen to. Then I found out she was a huge fan of hawk nelson. I experienced my first (memorable) panic attack at that moment. hahahaha. I paced from my room to my neighbours room ranting about how this girl is no longer atractive to me what so ever.
I was then rediculed by my friends about how I apparently cared more about Billy Corgan then I did about God because never once had I gotten this upset over the fact that someone was willingly going to hell by defying God.
I droped out after that year (along with my musician friend) and we worked a summer job at a Christian camp. I had signed a statement saying that I couldn't listen to secular music; but I swear every time I could turn my iPod on I was listening to my Pumpkins because I needed them to remain sane. Looking back I can say I had a more reflective and religious experience listening to your songs then I ever had during all my lessons, scripture memory, or daily quiet time that summer. Almost every time I had a big break down to God it was fueled by an emotional high from an SP song.
That summer I really started writing songs on an acoustic; for the first time; and about half of what I played my friend would just give me a look and go "No. that's way too pumpkinsish". I was unintentionally stealing licks from songs you created.
I remember walking alone all threwout that camp; discovering new songs in your vast discography and loving ever more the ones I already knew. I remember drifting to sleep listening to "In the Arms of Sleep", "Once Upon a Time", "Perfect", "Cupid De Locke", "Rhinoceros" and many more.
A while after that I ended up in Dallas in a very hard time in my life. I explored the Zwan, Zeitgeist, and your solo album a lot during those times.
You've been with me as far back as I can remember. You've helped me threw some times. You're the only guy I've ever joked about having sex. One time I shaved my head bald; took all my friends about 2 seconds to start picking on me for loving you like that, hahaha.
It really does my soul (if I have one) a lot of good to know that you're still doing your thing.
You have to promise me to keep doing it long enough for me to get a band to stardom. That way I can maybe meet you in the music scene or something like that.
I worn you though; If/When I ever meet you I will most likely hug you for about an hour straight, no matter how much pepper spray I may recieve right in my face.
http://www.smashingpumpkins.com/boar...fault/blah.gif
I'm just peachy if you never read this.
Even though I will admit, nothing will stop me from dreaming you read it and are at this moment making plans to contact me and be the miracle my life has been reduced to waiting for.

-Larkin London
(a testimate to the mess my life is; I use my real name everywhere.)