Should I commit suicide and why is the answer yes

[Squish Squash]

I hate myself so much Jesus.

[run2pee]

What in the fuck dont ask us call a god damn counslor or something! Why would u ask such a question here of all places!

Please, i hope u find the comfort u need in a professional setting...

[Squish Squash]

I’ve been planning it for two months and one of my friends cut me off because she thinks I’m unhealthy to talk to. I have OCD, depression and possibly borderline personality disorder. I’m 28 and have been alone my entire life despite desperately wanting a romantic partner since I was like 12. I’m in constant pain every day. Corona has prevented me from seeing the therapist I really liked.

[Disco King]

https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/...05/486/e09.png

[Disco King]

Nah, don't kill yourself. Things look bad now, but it's more likely than not that you will get to a place where life feels worth living and your desire to see what it holds for you exceeds your desire to die. Don't deprive future-Squish of that because of what only appears like infinite sadness to present-Squish.

Why haven't you been able to access your therapist through online Zoom sessions?

I gotta leave for work right now, but will I'll probably post more later.

[TuralyonW3]

1. That “friend” is not your friend
2. Why can’t you Telehealth with that therapist? Everyone is doing video these days
3. You likely need medication and need to telehealth with a psychiatrist as well
4. “Pain every day” is physical or just mental/emotional? And if physical how so?

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by Squish Squash

I’ve been planning it for two months and one of my friends cut me off because she thinks I’m unhealthy to talk to. I have OCD, depression and possibly borderline personality disorder. I’m 28 and have been alone my entire life despite desperately wanting a romantic partner since I was like 12. I’m in constant pain every day. Corona has prevented me from seeing the therapist I really liked.

I almost made this thread last night so I get you. Your therapist isn't doing telehealth at all? It's actually much more effective than I thought it would be. You are not thinking logically right now, try to remember that even though it seems like you are.
Also try here: https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/ It might be easier to text than to talk to someone, and it can't hurt, right?

I have also been alone my entire life and while I don't have BPD, I have had severe trauma in my life and have a lot of the same issues with intimacy, trust, attachment, etc. Life can get better, mine is not great but it is certainly stable and way better than I ever thought it would be.

You can always PM me if you want to talk

[Joey Goldberg]

Originally Posted by Squish Squash

I’ve been planning it for two months and one of my friends cut me off because she thinks I’m unhealthy to talk to. I have OCD, depression and possibly borderline personality disorder. I’m 28 and have been alone my entire life despite desperately wanting a romantic partner since I was like 12. I’m in constant pain every day. Corona has prevented me from seeing the therapist I really liked.

i relate to this pretty hard right now, for what it's worth. except replace "friend" with girlfriend of 3 years. it's hard as fuck but you just have to indulge in the moments that actually do bring you any sort of happiness or relief through all that, and realize something could change at any minute despite how terrible it seems now

[Squish Squash]

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the support. I was just in a really weird state of mind last night I normally wouldn’t make this thread. I absolutely am still dealing with this stuff just as badly unfortunately but I do really appreciate all the support and kindness you guys showed me. You’re good people.

[Squish Squash]

Originally Posted by reprise85

I almost made this thread last night so I get you. Your therapist isn't doing telehealth at all? It's actually much more effective than I thought it would be. You are not thinking logically right now, try to remember that even though it seems like you are.
Also try here: https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/ It might be easier to text than to talk to someone, and it can't hurt, right?

I have also been alone my entire life and while I don't have BPD, I have had severe trauma in my life and have a lot of the same issues with intimacy, trust, attachment, etc. Life can get better, mine is not great but it is certainly stable and way better than I ever thought it would be.

You can always PM me if you want to talk

Thanks, reprise. I do think I could tolerate being alone better if I had a furry friend like the little guy in your avatar but I’m tight on money rn, my apartments pretty small and I’m afraid to go outside a lot because of rona. I really should get a cat though. I hope you’re feeling better too, I’m sorry you’re going through the same shit.

[Squish Squash]

Originally Posted by Joey Goldberg

i relate to this pretty hard right now, for what it's worth. except replace "friend" with girlfriend of 3 years. it's hard as fuck but you just have to indulge in the moments that actually do bring you any sort of happiness or relief through all that, and realize something could change at any minute despite how terrible it seems now

Sorry to hear that, Joey. How have you been able to avoid trying to rekindle things? I’m wanting to try and contact her (idk if I can she blocked me on IG which is where we talk, even blocked me on the page where she posts pics of her cat which I think is just cruel cuz damn I love cat pics)

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by Squish Squash

Thanks, reprise. I do think I could tolerate being alone better if I had a furry friend like the little guy in your avatar but I’m tight on money rn, my apartments pretty small and I’m afraid to go outside a lot because of rona. I really should get a cat though. I hope you’re feeling better too, I’m sorry you’re going through the same shit.

I had her in a small studio at first, maybe 220 sq ft. I think if you get an older or otherwise known mellow cat it could be OK. I'm going to PM you, it's not usually that expensive

I promised kitty one day we'd have a big (normal sized) apartment with a patio. No patio yet but yes on the normal apartment. I'm trying to save for a down payment on a condo next year and it WILL have a screened patio

[run2pee]

Originally Posted by Squish Squash

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the support. I was just in a really weird state of mind last night I normally wouldn’t make this thread. I absolutely am still dealing with this stuff just as badly unfortunately but I do really appreciate all the support and kindness you guys showed me. You’re good people.

Squash, sorry i was a dick my snap reaction to your posting was like omg it’s not probably a good idea for anyone to come here to ask for actual or sincere help if actively suicidal, in that it could open one up to some unhelpful battling/bloodsport here on the gen chat, where you’ve had some scrappin with various boarders in the past

But really, you’re right, they are good people aren’t they, and it’s probably a good idea to reach out for help in any way u can. So anyway, sorry. And im glad u found some support today

[paranoid]

i'm diagnosed old and anxiety as well, and 10 years ago i was basically in this spot. i fought against taking meds for the longest time, and for what reason i do not know, but i've been on them for 5 years now and i feel like i have my life back. it gets better.. as cliche as that might sound it's true.

[smashingjj]

If only YSEM were here to talk down on you, like she did so well in a situation like this. You'd feel better in no time.

[Shallowed]

[MyOneAndOnly]

i was planning to suicide about 3 and a half years ago. I planned it and did a bunch of weird shit. Flew to the west coast to "visit" some friends, but really it was to say good bye to them (they didn't know that).

But i didn't do it. Came very close.

Try to find a therapist you can talk to online. I've been meeting with mine online using a video app. It's fairly effective, and actually easier than going to her office.

[buzzard]

Originally Posted by Squish Squash

How have you been able to avoid trying to rekindle things? I’m wanting to try and contact her (idk if I can she blocked me on IG which is where we talk, even blocked me on the page where she posts pics of her cat which I think is just cruel cuz damn I love cat pics)

Admittedly without knowing the ins and outs of this particular situation, I'd be tempted to suggest in any case that anchoring your sense of self-worth or whatever it is to the whims of another person is inherently fraught with risk and that it might be important to focus on motivators that come more from yourself.

I do gather from the wording of your question that you're aware of this, of course, but figure it might be worth reiterating on the off-chance you're on the fence about it.

[Squish Squash]

I’m not gonna respond to every post because it’s overwhelming (I apologize guys I know I’m the one who made the thread although in my defense I was extremely high and emotionally unstable when I made it), so just will say these things:

•Re: therapist. I have one. He’s a terrific guy and I like him but I don’t always have an easy time opening up to him. It’s much easier for me to talk about my problems with women, because I feel safer with them. Which brings me to my next point...
•My female friend was tired of me relying on her for emotional support. She had complained about this before and said I needed to use a therapist, and I have apologized and tried but it’s been hard for me since the pandemic started and I stopped seeing my female therapist who I saw for biofeedback (she specializes in that so my dad at least said I couldn’t just do zooms with her for various reasons idk). I definitely have relied more on my friend since I lost that therapist. But to just cut me of and block me on social media (she even blocked me from viewing her cat’s Instagram which I feel is just cruel) is excessive, I would have given her space if that’s what she wanted. Also it strikes me as intensively hypocritical for someone who’s always saying I can’t rely on a partner to solve my problems and do stuff for me to cut off one of her best friends because her partner suggested it.
•Stuff really hasn’t gotten better for me, it keeps getting worse and part of me thinks life will never return to pre-Corona times. And because I wasted my entire life before the coronavirus hit I feel like I’ll never get to do a lot of the things I wanted to now.

[Ram27]

she even blocked me from viewing her cat’s Instagram which I feel is just cruel

don't take that personally or anything. from her POV, she's just trying to be thorough in sending the message that she wants to be left alone. guys [not necessarily you] do crazy dumb shit when women are involved in an emotional situation.

re:COVID things are legit getting better. vaccines are rolling out and there are tons of good headlines. when temperatures start to get really nice, lockdown will be de facto over

[Shallowed]

Squish Squash, are you there? Your profile says you were last online just after you made your last post.

[Shallowed]

I was gonna address your post, because I think you need some perspective, but I didn't know how to put it in a way that was gentle enough if you're feeling suicidal.