am i a covert narcisst

[ilikeplanets]

Originally Posted by reprise85

Yeah, I was a real piece of shit when I was using. It's amazing what substances can do to your personality in the right circumstances. Living in desperation every day is terrible.

There's just no possible way for me to make amends with all the people I've hurt, and it still upsets me. I don't even remember everyone I lied to or conned money out of, or sat by idly while my ex directly stole from them (or worse). I never directly stole from people, that was some sort of personal limit, but also didn't do much to stop him. I have to move on and do my best to be a decent human now, but deep down I hate so much all the horrible, manipulative things I did and said, and all the time I wasted. I've had to do many hard things simultaneously just to try to catch up to my responsibilities, and have built much needed self-esteem doing so. Without feeling like a person, you can't be a person. I wish I could be more helpful, or paint it more positively, but it is what it is, and there's still life to live now.

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by ilikeplanets

There's just no possible way for me to make amends with all the people I've hurt, and it still upsets me. I don't even remember everyone I lied to or conned money out of, or sat by idly while my ex directly stole from them (or worse). I never directly stole from people, that was some sort of personal limit, but also didn't do much to stop him. I have to move on and do my best to be a decent human now, but deep down I hate so much all the horrible, manipulative things I did and said, and all the time I wasted. I've had to do many hard things simultaneously just to try to catch up to my responsibilities, and have built much needed self-esteem doing so. Without feeling like a person, you can't be a person. I wish I could be more helpful, or paint it more positively, but it is what it is, and there's still life to live now.

I can totally relate. I did steal from plenty of people and it's amazing I never got caught, but I know that wasn't really me now. I mean, I take responsibility for it and have apologized to people years after I did whatever I did. And I know what I'm capable of if I get like that again and that is enough to stop me from ever approaching it, I think.

[run2pee]

I stole from a little kid once while drunk and manic, it wasn’t anything valuable i just grabbed this bracelet off the floor of their bedroom (for some reason someone had put me in this bedroom after i blacked out and the kid herself was with their ex etc). Stole some weed too from friends on a differnt occasions.

but the kids bracelet is what i feel worst about i don’t even know who it was, i was at some large party at a house ive never been before

Ruined a beautiful campfire by menacing a crowd of peaceful musicians with an axe

During alcohol blackouts i did the worst most dangerous stuff. Alcohol triggers mania for me. So did a lot of drive around, a lot, probably is the worst? b/c could have killed hurt maimed or even just ptsd’ed so many innocents.

But i was also a vandal and a shit. Pissing from a footbridge onto passing cars below. Honking horn at 4 am in nearby cul-de-sac until people came out their doors to scram at me, then peel away. Cut gf’s roomates contacts with a shaving razor, then piss in the contacts case (feel reeeeeeeal like omf about this one what a demon—i guess i maniacally justified this in the moment b/c gf hated him, he hit her dog and stole her booze so he was “bad” but like, shit).

Plus the usual throwing bottles in the street, picking fights at bars with entire crowds of men, vomiting in cars and houses and carpets and couches and floors of bars and u name it, i probably hit it with foamy projectile beerchucks

[run2pee]

Originally Posted by ovary

good post

i thought calling myself an asshole was pretty pejorative when my obvious other non-personality disorder symptoms like alcoholism hadn't been treated well yet but i quit drinking and it turns out i just am an asshole after all

Ovary u did it, how did u quit? But yay i think u should give yourself a big nice round of yay pats and hands on your back

Overyay

[run2pee]

Originally Posted by reprise85

yeah do you really think you're like him? my ex bf person was a narcissist and I've know a few others and it makes me sad to think you think you're like them when you are clearly not IMO. good thing for them that they would not give one shit who they were lumped with or what anybody thought about them

Missed this post, thanks. This is encouraging. Of course u only know the shining self i reveal via the screens. Who am iiiiiiii eeeeeeee iiiiiiiiiiiii

[ovary]

just kept trying and didn't give up despite the relapses and also found a therapist i like. took 3 years tho and even now i'm only at 8 months still feels pretty precarious. booze is a bitch

[run2pee]

Originally Posted by ovary

just kept trying and didn't give up despite the relapses and also found a therapist i like. took 3 years tho and even now i'm only at 8 months still feels pretty precarious. booze is a bitch

Alcohol got in my veins real warm. Can feel it when it’s good and in there. Then when it leaves there’s a feeling like magnets in there: make me go to the gas station for more. That it’s the most easily accessible recreational drug in the world is wow. It was involved in the worst and most destructive behaviors of my life.

And still. 1 month out, i can still feel it, in the veins. Sort of stinging with a sweetness insistent. Then the thoughts ride the sweetsting: “how about only 2” “what about just wine it’s good for u right” “how about only on Fridays” “how about only socially, and bars count as social, right?” “What will i do if i can never taste all these 1 million beers ever again!!!!!!???!?!?!?

[Ram27]

the proliferation of alcohol in society is fucked up given how insanely cartoonishly bad it is for a human body, as well as for society in general

if i could reform this, i'd say they should at least not fucking ADVERTISE alcohol. ban it like smoking ads, it's just as bad if not worse - nicotine doesn't turn you into a drunken rube

i have never done heroin but from what i read i sorta kinda glean that like -- if it were legal and clean and you could measure out the dose accurately and get it at the store, etc etc - that'd be better, or at least less bad, for everyone

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by Ram27

the proliferation of alcohol in society is fucked up given how insanely cartoonishly bad it is for a human body, as well as for society in general

if i could reform this, i'd say they should at least not fucking ADVERTISE alcohol. ban it like smoking ads, it's just as bad if not worse - nicotine doesn't turn you into a drunken rube

i have never done heroin but from what i read i sorta kinda glean that like -- if it were legal and clean and you could measure out the dose accurately and get it at the store, etc etc - that'd be better, or at least less bad, for everyone

It would certainly eliminate the vast majority of OD deaths.

[ilikeplanets]

I don't think it would be better for much else than that, though. Heroin is supremely addicting, and very quickly. If someone was bored one day and able to buy it at the pharmacy on a whim, like buying a beer, it would be disastrous. And with a new user like that, there isn't really a great way to determine a "harmless" dose. I guess it'd be better than having meth on the shelf, but drugs of that nature shouldn't be legal or easy to access.

Although it does make me wonder if the illegality of those class A drugs leads their users to "all or nothing" behavior more than alcohol does, because of the wide social acceptance of "casual" drinking culture. I definitely think excessive alcohol consumption is one of the most harmful drugs.

[ovary]

Originally Posted by Run To Me

And still. 1 month out, i can still feel it, in the veins. Sort of stinging with a sweetness insistent. Then the thoughts ride the sweetsting: “how about only 2” “what about just wine it’s good for u right” “how about only on Fridays” “how about only socially, and bars count as social, right?” “What will i do if i can never taste all these 1 million beers ever again!!!!!!???!?!?!?

Yep.

idk about this last year because the numbers are all wack but typically there are twice as many alcohol deaths than ODs. and that is just acute alcohol deaths, not illnesses/cancers/whatever derived from the booze. can't speak to similarities in quality of addiction but alcohol is certainly a way more destructive problem by quantity.

i have tried almost every category of drug and have been way more dangerously wasted on alcohol than any other. idk why they categorize it as a depressant. i get fucked and i am running around full speed with hallucinations. crazy that booze is the "good" drug. it straight ruins and kills so many people and society just loves it.

always amazes me when i am not drinking at a social event and somehow me the abstainer is the "alcoholic" with a "drinking problem" whereas all these literal drunk people are not considered alcoholic or problemed. like what an ironic logical backflip that's totally normalized.

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by ilikeplanets

I don't think it would be better for much else than that, though. Heroin is supremely addicting, and very quickly. If someone was bored one day and able to buy it at the pharmacy on a whim, like buying a beer, it would be disastrous. And with a new user like that, there isn't really a great way to determine a "harmless" dose. I guess it'd be better than having meth on the shelf, but drugs of that nature shouldn't be legal or easy to access.

Although it does make me wonder if the illegality of those class A drugs leads their users to "all or nothing" behavior more than alcohol does, because of the wide social acceptance of "casual" drinking culture. I definitely think excessive alcohol consumption is one of the most harmful drugs.

I don't see why a harmless/therapeutic dose couldn't be researched, just like any other pharmaceutical opiate. But I basically agree, though I think it should be decriminalized I don't think it should just be on shelves.

[ilikeplanets]

Originally Posted by ovary

always amazes me when i am not drinking at a social event and somehow me the abstainer is the "alcoholic" with a "drinking problem" whereas all these literal drunk people are not considered alcoholic or problemed. like what an ironic logical backflip that's totally normalized.

This is always strange to me, too. Like if you aren't drinking than you have some sort of issue with alcohol, other than just disliking it. And that people should have the right to know why you aren't drinking. I do wonder why alcohol is the only chosen drug that is legal. Maybe because it's been around so long? I really don't know.

[run2pee]

Originally Posted by ilikeplanets

This is always strange to me, too. Like if you aren't drinking than you have some sort of issue with alcohol, other than just disliking it. And that people should have the right to know why you aren't drinking. I do wonder why alcohol is the only chosen drug that is legal. Maybe because it's been around so long? I really don't know.

It’s because of white people, isn’t it? Basically? That’s their drug so it’s all good unless you’re weird and don’t do it for some awful/shameful reason, and then it is your duty to share/explain if u dare to be in proximity to a person who is high on ethanol

What—no cocktail? Why that’s unamerican—ooh wait unless you’re some kinda mental case or moral degenerate etc

[run2pee]

Originally Posted by ovary

Yep.

idk about this last year because the numbers are all wack but typically there are twice as many alcohol deaths than ODs. and that is just acute alcohol deaths, not illnesses/cancers/whatever derived from the booze. can't speak to similarities in quality of addiction but alcohol is certainly a way more destructive problem by quantity.

i have tried almost every category of drug and have been way more dangerously wasted on alcohol than any other. idk why they categorize it as a depressant. i get fucked and i am running around full speed with hallucinations. crazy that booze is the "good" drug. it straight ruins and kills so many people and society just loves it.

always amazes me when i am not drinking at a social event and somehow me the abstainer is the "alcoholic" with a "drinking problem" whereas all these literal drunk people are not considered alcoholic or problemed. like what an ironic logical backflip that's totally normalized.

Alcohol makes me manic too. Can stay up for couple days on it. Also concoct, plan and execute various despicable plans, while completely blacked out. Wake up in a crime scene looking for clues to horrific truths

[smashingjj]

I'm not drinking for three months but if I'm not too depressed I'm starting again on December 15th to drink in two days everything I didn't in the past 3 months. Good idea, yes?

[john's ego]

this narcissist/empath paradigm is quite the fad, and i find it funny that most of the people who believe in it also never see themselves as narcissists, and always as empaths. and i've also notices when self-identified "empaths" have to interact with someone they have deemed a narcissist, they end up behaving like narcissists themselves. in my opinion it is pointlessly harmful to look at human behavior this way.

which brings me to my broader point that mental health diagnoses are mostly a crock of shit. the dsm is marginally useful as like, a taxonomy of "abnormal" human behavior, but that's it, really. its main function in "mental health treatment" to narrow the treatment options your clinician will consider. do you have a mood disorder? well i can't treat you until you stop smoking weed. "psychosis"? i can't treat you unless you take these drugs and only these drugs. personality disorder? i will not prescribe ANY drugs, AND i still might refuse to treat you. got anxiety? too bad. depression? too bad. you have a personality disorder, and drugs simply don't work for that.

also you probably won't be surprised to learn that being a minority heightens your chance of a more restrictive diagnosis.

anyway, Run To Me, i hope you're doing well with sobriety, and it can be a tough road. i just want to say that if you are told by someone that you can't change your behavior because of a personality disorder, they are full of shit and don't have any interest in seeing you working to improve your life.

[smashingjj]

more like john's cunt

[smashingjj]

more like cunt's cunt

[smashingjj]

cunt cunt cunt's cunt

[smashingjj]

lol I always end up saying the most meaningful stuff

[topleybird]

How did your December 15 and 16 go

[topleybird]

Or are they like... still going

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by john's ego

this narcissist/empath paradigm is quite the fad, and i find it funny that most of the people who believe in it also never see themselves as narcissists, and always as empaths. and i've also notices when self-identified "empaths" have to interact with someone they have deemed a narcissist, they end up behaving like narcissists themselves. in my opinion it is pointlessly harmful to look at human behavior this way.

which brings me to my broader point that mental health diagnoses are mostly a crock of shit. the dsm is marginally useful as like, a taxonomy of "abnormal" human behavior, but that's it, really. its main function in "mental health treatment" to narrow the treatment options your clinician will consider. do you have a mood disorder? well i can't treat you until you stop smoking weed. "psychosis"? i can't treat you unless you take these drugs and only these drugs. personality disorder? i will not prescribe ANY drugs, AND i still might refuse to treat you. got anxiety? too bad. depression? too bad. you have a personality disorder, and drugs simply don't work for that.

also you probably won't be surprised to learn that being a minority heightens your chance of a more restrictive diagnosis.

anyway, Run To Me, i hope you're doing well with sobriety, and it can be a tough road. i just want to say that if you are told by someone that you can't change your behavior because of a personality disorder, they are full of shit and don't have any interest in seeing you working to improve your life.

honestly, I don't think the prescription stuff is as true as it once was. my old psychiatrist prescribes weed now (as does my regular doctor, in fact), and lots of doctors prescribe based on symptoms and not diagnoses (e.g., mood stabilizers for personality disorders). The DSM moved away from the Axis model where Axis 1 disorders "can't be treated with medicine" although of course old school doctors are going to cling to that shit until they retire. But yeah, some doctors are going to insist that you try to stop smoking weed if you come to them with depression. If you refuse or relapse they need to either treat you anyway or refer you to someone who will. I might be allergic to cats but my doctor is still going to give me allergy meds if I refuse to get rid of my cat.

The empath/narcissist thing I mostly agree with and the same thing with the DSM. The DSM is for reimbursement from insurance companies and a starting point for medications and shouldn't be looked at as having some inherent overriding wisdom over personal, subjective patient experiences.

[Joey Goldberg]

Originally Posted by smashingjj

cunt cunt cunt's cunt

everything that comes out of this guy's mouth is cunt salad

[smashingjj]

language!

[Joey Goldberg]