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Old 08-22-2021, 12:04 PM   #181
Disco King
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I'm coping pretty well I think. Definitely expecting the worst but I don't have much of a relationship with my dad. I haven't seen him in three years even though he lives an hour away.

But yeah I don't feel overwhelmed or anything. I feel a little guilty for not being more upset tbh
Yeah, I think a lack of strong emotion here is a reasonable response, given my understanding of your history and relationship with your father.

 
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Old 08-22-2021, 12:04 PM   #182
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He's dying. About to see him for a few minutes. Then they will put him in a private room. They are keeping him on a bipap for comfort. I'm going to be the last person he ever sees besides medical staff

 
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Old 08-22-2021, 12:13 PM   #183
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That's pretty intense, Erica. I'm sure constantly hearing people say they're sorry seems hollow, but I am.

 
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Old 08-22-2021, 03:43 PM   #184
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Thanks guys. I saw him, it's probably like you imagine. Lots of beeping and loud af air pressure being pumped into him. His oxygen is in the 70s. I hope they are going to turn the BiPAP down because that has to be painful and what is the point. So much oxygen is being pumped in that it is hyperinflating his chest. The BiPAP I use for sleep apnea is near the max it can go and it certainly doesn't do that.

The doctor said if he survives he (the doctor) will start going to church because that would mean God must exist. Meaning, he's not going to get better.

I am close to 100% sure he was able to hear me because he responded very strongly to one thing I said and it would be a big coincidence if it was random. I wouldn't be as sure if not for that (although it did seem like he was responding on some level even without that). I was able to video chat with my sister so she could see him.

 
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Old 08-22-2021, 05:57 PM   #185
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i'm having trouble putting into words what reading all this makes me feel.

surreal and completely disorienting times.

hope you are doing ok, reprise. fwiw, even though it's obv a very difficult and frayed relationship, it's commendable that you can be there for him.

 
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Old 08-22-2021, 06:11 PM   #186
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thanks. I am doing ok. he is on hospice now. just nasal cannula for oxygen for comfort and pain/anxiety meds. if he makes it long enough for there to be a hospice bed open they will move him, otherwise he is staying in the hospital room.

my sister is coming into town tomorrow night. I'm going to wear a mask everywhere (even inside with all vaxxed people) until I know I'm not infected... bought an OTC Covid test kit, supposed to take @3 days and 5 days out. I was wearing a ton of PPE when I went in. That is the CDC suggestion, don't need to isolate unless positive or symptoms after possible exposure if you are vaccinated.

Last edited by reprise85 : 08-22-2021 at 06:18 PM.

 
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Old 08-22-2021, 06:21 PM   #187
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that's fucked. so sorry Erica.

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 10:47 AM   #188
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The doctor said if he survives he (the doctor) will start going to church because that would mean God must exist. Meaning, he's not going to get better.
You already know you have my condolences and concern, so I just want to use this post to say: I imagine that was like the eighth time the doctor had to give that prognosis to some poor patient's family member that day and it stopped being difficult for him in like May 2020 and he's just tired, just tired all the time, but come on, that is a really callous, needlessly clever way to deliver that information. I hope that didn't make a difficult moment even more painful.

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 10:59 AM   #189
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It honestly didn't bother me at all, although he probably has offended some religious people. But yeah you could definitely tell he is over everything. He went through all his comorbidities and then basically said the big problem is he wasn't vaccinated. I think he was ready to try to convince us to get vaccinated (my and my sister) but she told him everyone in the family is vaccinated except him.

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 11:00 AM   #190
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I found out they just took him off the BiPAP a few minutes ago which is fucking ridiculous. That shit was definitely painful, no reason to keep him on it so long.
My sister is coming in tonight. They are going to move him to a hospice facility if he is stable for a few hours.

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 01:05 PM   #191
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He passed away

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 02:41 PM   #192
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I never know the right thing to say here, but I have been thinking of you every day during this. I'm so sorry.

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 03:13 PM   #193
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Thanks. I'm OK. My sister will be here soon. She is much more upset than me...

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 03:32 PM   #194
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I’m basically a nobody, and a complete stranger from the other side of the world, but I’m really sorry for your loss.

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 07:24 PM   #195
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I spoke to a doctor who was a guest today in the restaurant that I work in, she told me that she regularly sees anti-vaxxers or corona-deniers in some other way, and they're sorry when they're finally taken into the hospital, screaming in pain. it gave me a sort of weird satisfaction actually to hear that, although I knew that was mean.

it's just wry. I'm so sorry, Erica.

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 09:20 PM   #196
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thanks. it is his own fault and it is fine to get some schadenfreude from it, really. but he also really suffered and i feel like they kept him on that bipap for way longer than necessary... and then he basically suffocated to death with a nurse in the room. he barely saw anyone his last week of life because it required special ppe to even go in his room and there was no special ward or anything. i am sure he knew he was dying. his lungs were violently pushed open every few seconds for two days even though they knew it would do him no good.

i really really don't know why they let that go on so long.

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 11:07 PM   #197
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did he get put on any pain relief medication?

 
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Old 08-23-2021, 11:27 PM   #198
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thanks. it is his own fault and it is fine to get some schadenfreude from it, really. but he also really suffered and i feel like they kept him on that bipap for way longer than necessary... and then he basically suffocated to death with a nurse in the room. he barely saw anyone his last week of life because it required special ppe to even go in his room and there was no special ward or anything. i am sure he knew he was dying. his lungs were violently pushed open every few seconds for two days even though they knew it would do him no good.

i really really don't know why they let that go on so long.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you mentioned not being close with him, but covid is just a terrible way to go out, especially when getting to the point of such severe progression is preventable for the majority of people.

 
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Old 08-24-2021, 12:15 AM   #199
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did he get put on any pain relief medication?
For sure, but I hope a hell lot more than he was on when I saw him. Anxiety meds, too.


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I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you mentioned not being close with him, but covid is just a terrible way to go out, especially when getting to the point of such severe progression is preventable for the majority of people.
Totally

 
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Old 08-24-2021, 03:09 AM   #200
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Risking redundancy, sorry for your loss, Erica.

 
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Old 08-24-2021, 07:00 PM   #201
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I'm so sorry it all happened like this. This was so hard to read... I can't imagine living it. I hope you're doing okay, reprise.

 
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Old 08-24-2021, 07:12 PM   #202
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He passed away
I'm sorry to hear that.

How are you feeling?

 
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Old 08-25-2021, 12:03 AM   #203
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I'm doing pretty OK. Not wildly upset or anything.

The funeral is tomorrow morning. I just did a self-test for COVID and am negative, but it is sooner than they recommend from the time of exposure... but I wanted to be able to tell my mom if I could go and take her tomorrow. Obviously, no symptoms or anything or I wouldn't go. The funeral is all outside and masks are required.

I am sure I'll be emotional tomorrow and the more I think about how I saw him before he died the more upset I am that he was kept that way.

But I'm mostly doing fine, thanks.

 
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Old 08-25-2021, 09:54 AM   #204
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thanks. it is his own fault and it is fine to get some schadenfreude from it, really. but he also really suffered and i feel like they kept him on that bipap for way longer than necessary... and then he basically suffocated to death with a nurse in the room. he barely saw anyone his last week of life because it required special ppe to even go in his room and there was no special ward or anything. i am sure he knew he was dying. his lungs were violently pushed open every few seconds for two days even though they knew it would do him no good.

i really really don't know why they let that go on so long.
No matter what stubbornness and stupidity got him into that situation, he deserved more comfort in his final days…everyone does. I’m sorry…

I’m sure seeing you in his last days was a ray of light to him. You are a good daughter for going…hope the funeral and family gathering allowed you all to remember better times…

 
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Old 08-25-2021, 11:23 PM   #205
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Thanks guys... really was a very simple ceremony, no one said anything except the rabbi. I was pretty unmoved tbh. It's been nice seeing my sister and everything and I'm sad that he's gone, but I'm really doing pretty much fine. There were only about 15 people there; I didn't know anyone besides the people I went with and my dad's widow except for one person (my dad's former boss).

 
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Old 08-26-2021, 01:40 PM   #206
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How are you feeling in terms of health? When do you know for sure that you didn't catch it? I'm sure you didn't considering all the precautions plus your vaccine. But I've been holding my breath for ya until you tell us you're all clear.

 
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Old 08-26-2021, 09:17 PM   #207
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thanks. it is his own fault and it is fine to get some schadenfreude from it, really. but he also really suffered and i feel like they kept him on that bipap for way longer than necessary... and then he basically suffocated to death with a nurse in the room. he barely saw anyone his last week of life because it required special ppe to even go in his room and there was no special ward or anything. i am sure he knew he was dying. his lungs were violently pushed open every few seconds for two days even though they knew it would do him no good.

i really really don't know why they let that go on so long.
when my bio dad died of cancer he had been in remission for a few years, but ignored all the signs that his remission had ended. He checked into the ER and never left the hospital. He spent his last 3 weeks in the ICU on a machine.

He did the same thing with his first cancer. He did the same thing with both of his heart attacks and surgeries. He did the same thing when a small cut on his foot became infected... and a year later they amputated his leg...

I don't know where that self destructive part of masculinity comes from. But it's awful.

 
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Old 08-26-2021, 11:07 PM   #208
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It's less about us wanting to destroy ourselves and more about us being lazy as fuck.

Making doctors' appointments means picking up the phone, thinking about my schedule, leaving my house and going to a place.

Sometimes, I literally hold in my piss because I'm too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom. I'd rather die than be arsed to follow up on health concerns, trivial or serious.

I mean, I want to destroy myself, too, but it's the laziness doing most of the work here.

 
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Old 08-26-2021, 11:20 PM   #209
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I'm doing pretty OK. Not wildly upset or anything.

The funeral is tomorrow morning. I just did a self-test for COVID and am negative, but it is sooner than they recommend from the time of exposure... but I wanted to be able to tell my mom if I could go and take her tomorrow. Obviously, no symptoms or anything or I wouldn't go. The funeral is all outside and masks are required.

I am sure I'll be emotional tomorrow and the more I think about how I saw him before he died the more upset I am that he was kept that way.

But I'm mostly doing fine, thanks.
I've always imagined that people not close to their parents would vacilate between not feeling as sad as they think they should feel when their parent dies, and feeling more emotional than they think they should feel after remembering one of the positive memories they do have of their parent. Having it all kinda hit them at once.

Has anything like that occurred for you? Or is it mostly just, "I feel sympathy because nobody should go out that way and it's sad when anyone dies, but I'm also pretty calm about it"?

Partly asking because I'm wondering what to expect when my old man passes one day, I guess.

 
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Old 08-27-2021, 12:03 AM   #210
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I've always imagined that people not close to their parents would vacilate between not feeling as sad as they think they should feel when their parent dies, and feeling more emotional than they think they should feel after remembering one of the positive memories they do have of their parent. Having it all kinda hit them at once.

Has anything like that occurred for you? Or is it mostly just, "I feel sympathy because nobody should go out that way and it's sad when anyone dies, but I'm also pretty calm about it"?

Partly asking because I'm wondering what to expect when my old man passes one day, I guess.
It's not that I don't have any positive memories of my dad. He did try to be a good father in a lot of ways, like he would take me to SP shows and go to softball games and whatever. He was way more involved in that stuff than my mom. But we never ever had any emotional connection (and I don't know if he really did with anyone, certainly he didn't with my mom). I don't have any moments of sentimentality that I can even think of, let alone be overly emotional about.

I am sad that I know we'll never talk about some things, but it's more the finality. I didn't think it would ever happen, and now I know it won't.

My dad lived an hour away and I hadn't seen him in three years. We talk on my birthday, his birthday, and father's day. So IDK if you are that distant from your father or not. I did cry a bit when he was dying and the day he died and I do feel sad about it but honestly I don't feel that bad. I feel a little guilty about not feeling that bad and for not being more traumatized by the state I saw him in (which was terrible). But I think maybe I will feel worse about that later. I was really focused on letting my sister say goodbye to him.

 
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