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Old 09-27-2007, 12:21 PM   #1
Caine Walker
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Question leaving notes for roommates

i have a roommate with whom i have pretty opposite schedules. she isn't the cleanest, tidiest or responsible individual, so i've taken to leaving her little reminders of things she should be doing as i find them. is this a generally uncouth and/or typically unappreciated form of communication? because this kind of thing doesn't bother me at all. i don't need to talk to people about things that they should be doing anyway. but that's just me.

recent notes include:

"the cat needs food and litter"

translation: you haven't been paying attention to your cat in the slightest, and i really need you to get off your ass, get supplies, and clean the fucking nasty litter box. oh, he's hungry too.



"the cat needs food and water" x 2

transation: the cat has been meowing and going insane all day now and i'm tired of fucking feeding him. he's not my cat.



"please stop plopping down on my fucking futon. it's even more fucked up than it already was. oh, and clean up your mess... for fuck's sake........."

translation: my roommates have taken to just crashing down on my futon. as a result, it is now buckling in the middle, the cover is ripped, and there was fucking cereal all over the goddamn thing when i woke up this morning. this is the only time i've ever been particularly nasty with a note.


if i'm in the wrong here, i'd like to know. this morning i received two text messages, and a voice mail from the subject of these missives asking me to call her about the messages i've been leaving her. i talked to my other, much cleaner roommate who said that she is livid because i "won't just talk like a human being." which doesn't even make sense, but whatever. she's probably drunk right now anyway.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:23 PM   #2
Cool As Ice Cream
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caine Walker
is this a generally uncouth and/or typically unappreciated form of communication?
yes. most people don't appreciate this at all.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:25 PM   #3
Caine Walker
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why? what's so damn offensive about it?

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:29 PM   #4
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leave her a note asking her why she gets so offended that you are leaving notes.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:31 PM   #5
avian chaos
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cool As Ice Cream
yes. most people don't appreciate this at all.
I beg to differ, I think notes for room mates can be a good thing if it's coupled with good communication. If you just give the room mate the silent treatment and let the notes do all the talking it can be rather uncouth, but I've been to many homes where the room mates do this in a well adjusted way. If he was serious about that last note though I'd say that's pretty awful.

Notes are good for reinforcement, especially if you have forgetful room mates. Chris is admittedly very forgetful, so I've left a note above the kitchen sink that points to the different sponges and what they're allowed to be used on (dishes, cast iron skillet, counter tops, etc.). Also a lot of people I know who have lots of room mates tend to have different work / school schedules so notes are good for reminding people about rent or trash or whatever.

But like I said, there should be an open line of communication beyond just leaving notes. Both parties should be cool with the notes business, otherwise it's just condescending and bad manners. Especially if you're using harsh language.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:31 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caine Walker
why? what's so damn offensive about it?
It's passive aggressive.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:33 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caine Walker
why? what's so damn offensive about it?
It's passive agressive for one thing.

Also, nagging people and playing mommy is generally offensive behavior to begin with.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:33 PM   #8
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send her a text message saying you're offended by her text message

notes are useful with roommates, i cant see how it would be offensive

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:35 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sickbadthing
It's passive aggressive.
beat me to it

i mean the fact that you posted your little "Translations" is exactly what we're talking about. And the "so i've taken to leaving her little reminders of things she should be doing as i find t**** is really arrogant and I'm sorry but, you have to talk to people about stuff that bothers you. I know you want to avoid it and leave post its around the house, but rational adults don't function like this.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:35 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sickbadthing
It's passive aggressive.
well, if he's leaving somewhere and the cat needs feeding and he's been doing it, i dont think there's anything wrong with leaving a note.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:36 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shapan
notes are useful with roommates, i cant see how it would be offensive
depends on what the note is. "DON'T EAT MY MOTHERFUCKING FOOD" is one thing but once you poke your nose into what they are doing and what you want to see changed requires you to confront them face to face with a dialouge..

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:37 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shapan
well, if he's leaving somewhere and the cat needs feeding and he's been doing it, i dont think there's anything wrong with leaving a note.
That's because you're passive agressive.

I had a roommate that did this exact thing, and unfortunately the fact that I told him that he needs to tell me that he is leaving and to feed his cat didn't do a lot of good. Making fun of him for carrying out seven pounds of shit once every two months didn't work. Complaining about the smell of catshit in the living room didn't work. Telling him over and over again to do something about the fleas on his cat only to hear "Oh she kills them with her claws." Telling him to clean the living room after his cat tore up all the paper on the coffee table didn't work. Telling him to clean the dishes only resulted in him doing them after a week of going, "So you gonna do them dishes or what, dude?" I mean people like this don't listen and leaving notes in the first place reflects poorly on you in general.

Eventually he got sick of what he percieved to be unfair treatment by me and my other roommate and moved out, so I guess it did work. Leaving notes would have been stupid and lame. Now he lives in his own filthy little pit by himself and maybe he realizes how much we had to clean up after him but I seriously doubt it. Unfortunately now that he's gone, i'm the dirty lazy one.

Last edited by Trotskilicious : 09-27-2007 at 12:44 PM.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:38 PM   #13
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Chances are this said roommate already knows he's been neglecting his poor kitty and sometimes a reminder (or kick in the ass, whichever you prefer) is needed. Considering you both have different schedules, I don't see what the big deal is on leaving notes. Yeah.. it's slightly impersonal but hey.. gets the point across to a lazy roommate. So. *shrug* :]

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:38 PM   #14
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http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com


Are you on here maybe?

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:39 PM   #15
Caine Walker
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trotskilicious
beat me to it

i mean the fact that you posted your little "Translations" is exactly what we're talking about. And the "so i've taken to leaving her little reminders of things she should be doing as i find t**** is really arrogant
why is this arrogant?

but i see the point about the passive aggressiveness. and i wasn't angry about any of this until last nite, actually. the cat stuff didn't bother me nearly as much as the futon being fucked up.

i'm going to talk to her about this stuff, anyway. thanks for the insight.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:39 PM   #16
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the translations mean he's frustrated with his roommate but that kind of shit happens. he should deal with it.

but leaving notes itself isnt a bad thing.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:43 PM   #17
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keep being passive agressive and avoiding confrontation, shapan, i don't give a fuck.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:53 PM   #18
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My roommate did this the other day. It was so irritating. A note that started off saying "Hey guys, you have to remember to lock the doors, this isn't the suburbs and we have lots of expensive stuff for my band here." I was alright with that even though I had been in my room before he even got home, because I do think it's important to lock the doors. Then he was saying how we can't "leave all the lights and tv on because even though we don't pay directly for utilities we might have to" or something, which is basically a threat because we pay rent to his dad and we tried to propose using less utilities so the rent would go down, which his dad flipped out about because we were questioning his generosity, but now because we use too much electricity rent might go up? And then he just tacks on "And why am I the only person to do the dishes its not that hard" which isn't even true and just made me more upset. So yeah, if he would have told me any of these I wouldn't have minded at all because I could respond to him and have talked to him about it, rather than just being told what to do.

So I personally think notes suck.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:53 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trotskilicious
depends on what the note is. "DON'T EAT MY MOTHERFUCKING FOOD" is one thing but once you poke your nose into what they are doing and what you want to see changed requires you to confront them face to face with a dialouge..
yeah.

notes arent always passive aggressive, sometimes people have good relationships with their roommates. i like both of mine, and when notes are left im not asking them to change who they are or any of that crap.

that last note he left is a bit much and shows they have shit they need to work out.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:55 PM   #20
Caine Walker
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shapan

that last note he left is a bit much and shows they have shit they need to work out.

agreed. i'll be talking to her on my lunch about this, because i really don't want to leave notes anymore. they're a waste of paper.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 12:56 PM   #21
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i left this within a week of living in student halls:

HOUSE CHARTER

1. Do not leave hulking, unflushable turds in the toilet

2. don't try to wash food down the sink

3. don't touch my shit or i'll brain* you


*i have no idea what "braining" entails but it sure sounded scary when my dad used to say it.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:00 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flavin
My roommate did this the other day. It was so irritating. A note that started off saying "Hey guys, you have to remember to lock the doors, this isn't the suburbs and we have lots of expensive stuff for my band here." I was alright with that even though I had been in my room before he even got home, because I do think it's important to lock the doors. Then he was saying how we can't "leave all the lights and tv on because even though we don't pay directly for utilities we might have to" or something, which is basically a threat because we pay rent to his dad and we tried to propose using less utilities so the rent would go down, which his dad flipped out about because we were questioning his generosity, but now because we use too much electricity rent might go up? And then he just tacks on "And why am I the only person to do the dishes its not that hard" which isn't even true and just made me more upset. So yeah, if he would have told me any of these I wouldn't have minded at all because I could respond to him and have talked to him about it, rather than just being told what to do.

So I personally think notes suck.
exactly

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:00 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caine Walker
agreed. i'll be talking to her on my lunch about this, because i really don't want to leave notes anymore. they're a waste of paper.
good for you

and remember: she probably won't change but at least you did the right thing.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:01 PM   #24
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I think braining has something to do with the balls.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:01 PM   #25
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Verbally communicate first. THEN leave notes.

You need to establish that you'll talk about what's bothering you first before leaving bitchy little notes. If your roommate knows you can talk to them about shit, then they are less likely to be pissed off about "friendly reminder" notes.

It's called being a man and talking shit out before resorting too other means if they don't get the hint.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:01 PM   #26
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Yeah I'd have to say talking to them would be best, just to clear the air and get things straight, etc. And while notes can be helpful little reminders - in the wrong situations they can be seen as passive agressive and I can see how someone would take offense. Hell, my downstairs neighbors left notes about the washer and dryer - I was pissed though because we see them pretty much every day and they chit chat with us about bullshit, but what - they can't tell me not to use the washer after 9pm? They gotta write a note? You know what I'm saying?

Obviously that's different because you don't really see your roommates - I had that situation once and it sucked, broke up friendships (temporarily thank goodness)...but that shit stinks. The only advice I can offer is to not have roommates lol...living with people sucks.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:03 PM   #27
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and i really hate it when roommates don't take care of their pets. It's really not that fucking hard to feed them, or if you're gone, arrange so that they are fed. My old roommate would leave for three or four days without telling or calling anyone, leaving me to have to deal with a screaming, bitchy cat. I didn't mind feeding it because I like animals, and feeding a cat creates the man-cat bond, but still, how can you be so irresponsible? I didn't lecture him about it but I did tell him, "You need to tell me to feed your cat, when you leave," and he said "Oh! Cool! I will, thanks!" and he never did.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:05 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AndySlash
Verbally communicate first. THEN leave notes.

You need to establish that you'll talk about what's bothering you first before leaving bitchy little notes. If your roommate knows you can talk to them about shit, then they are less likely to be pissed off about "friendly reminder" notes.

It's called being a man and talking shit out before resorting too other means if they don't get the hint.
yup. when i think of notes for roommates i think of simple little tidbits of information you can just go "oh" to, otherwise if it's bitchy then it's just silly.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:05 PM   #29
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even if you don't see your roommate they do have a phone, usually. and if they don't. well...weird.

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 01:06 PM   #30
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i don't know if anyone else suggested it, but try talking to them.

 
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