Der Dieb

[Crippler]

On the Bridge

(Sparks is talking to Paddy O'Reilly, the bald, bearded Irishman, on his monitor.)

Sparks: Uhh... Yeah, I guess you could put liquor in it.

O'Reilly: (on monitor) Faaaith and Begorrah! Then I'll take a thousand quarts! It'll be drunken buttered potatoes for all of Dingle!

Sparks: Deal.

(Sparks changes channels on the monitor. We see, among other things, Chopper Dave, Dr. Virjay, and Stinky Pete, before Sparks gets Amish Dave, a bald, bearded fellow who looks remarkably like O'Reilly.)

Sparks: Yo, Dave! Big order just came in.

Dave: (on monitor) Mein butter churner! Is gestohlen!


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Reactor Room

(Amish Dave is at the Reactor Room monitor. Scattered around the room are stacks of butter tubs, a cow with bloated udders, a pile of hay for the cow, and various puddles of butter and milk.)

Sparks: (on monitor) Hey, hey, hey! Shut your sprech hole. I need a thousand Q-T's by Thursday, or I'm gonna blow your F***ing ass outta the airlock. Got it??

Dave: Nein! Nein, ge-schtupid, gestohlen!

Sparks: (on monitor) Wh-

Dave: Mein butter churner!

Sparks: (on monitor) Wh-

Dave: Is gestohlen!

Sparks: (on monitor) I, I'm -

Dave: Somebody is stehlen my butter churner!

Sparks: (on monitor) Somebody stole your churn?

Dave: Yah. Und without mein butter churner, I'm not gonna have butter!


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Bridge

Sparks: All right, all right! Geez. (He shuts off the monitor.) Friggin' Amish. Buggy-drivin', barn-raisin' sons of-

(The bridge door whooshes open and Captain Murphy walks in, holding a butter tub.)

Murphy: Sparks! Sound the alarm! Seal the hatches! Move, man, move!

Sparks: Hang on, somebody stole Amish Dave's butter churn, and meanwhile, I got -

Murphy: No churn? Well, where the hell am I supposed to get my fix? I mean, this one's cashed! (He indicates his butter tub.) Sparks, I can't go back to margarine.

Sparks: Relax. I'll figure something out.

Murphy: Screw it. We've got bigger problems than a butter shortage. (aside) I never thought I'd say that. But the Murphmobile is missing!

(Quinn walks in through the door.)

Quinn: Well, maybe, it's with my microscope.

Murphy: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Quinn: My microscope is missing from the bio lab.

Murphy: Well, get in line. I've got no butter, and no Murphmobile to drive around in while I eat it!

(The Bridge door opens; Marco, Debbie, and Stormy enter.)

Stormy: That hairdryer was brand-new, for crying out loud.

Debbie: Shut up about the stupid hairdryer. (to Murphy) Captain, you've got to do something.

Murphy: What in Judas rockin' Priest is going on around here?

Marco: There is a dirty rotten low-down stinkin' thief on Sealab!

Stormy: Somebody stole my hairdryer!

Marco: And my Hummel collection!

Debbie: And my... back massager.

Stormy: Back massager, yeah right...

Quinn: Looks like we're all missing something.

Murphy: That's the whole point; we don't know whose throat to slit!

Sparks: Huh?

Murphy: What do you mean, 'what?' A throat needs slitting, and we don't know where to lay the blade!

Quinn: I'm sure there's a rational explanation for the things that are missing.

Murphy: Yeah, you took 'em.

Quinn: What? My microscope was stolen.

Stormy: Well it's pretty obvious that you took your own microscope, to cover up the fact that you did it.

Debbie: Quinn -

Stormy: To me it is.

Debbie: Come on, just fess up.

Quinn: Girl, what are you talking about?

Debbie: It's obvious that you did it.

Quinn: Oh, okay, I get it. So the black guy did it, huh? Automatically blaming the black guy, huh? Nice.

Sparks: Well, a minute ago you were all ready to blame the Latino!

Quinn: No I wasn't!

Marco: You wanna play the race card, Quinn? Is that it? What, so Latinos steal? We're just a bunch of thieves, gringo?

Quinn: I never said that!

Murphy: You don't have to say it. (He sniffs Quinn) I can smell it on ya.

Sparks: You disgusting bigot.

Quinn: Would you shut up!

Debbie: I can't believe I had sex with you a jillion times!

Stormy: What!?

Murphy sniffs at Quinn again.

Stormy: You told me you were saving yourself for marriage.

(General laughter.)

Debbie: (still laughing) No. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Quinn: (aside to Debbie) Could we not talk about our sex life?

Debbie: What, are you ashamed of it? (whispering in Quinn's ear) Was it too dirty for you, Q? (rubs his nose) Too hot? And savage?

Quinn: That one time was a little weird.

Debbie: Oh, with the... thing.

Quinn: Yeah. That was weird.

Debbie: I was drunk.

Quinn: I know. Still weird.

Murphy: (sniffs Quinn again) Enough! Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!

Sparks: Um, I think it's 'martial' law.

Murphy: Silence! Under Martian law, w- ... what are my powers, exactly?

Sparks: Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a Posse Comitatus, an -

Murphy: That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed! I'm forming a cadre of Martian Knights, charged with enforcing Martian law!

Marco: Huh?
Quinn: What?

(Murphy appears from off-screen with a wooden bat.)

Debbie: "Martian knights?"

Murphy: Now who's ready to beat some ass?

Marco: (steps forward and kneels) I'm in.

Murphy: I dub thee... (knights Marco with the bat) Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, Beater of Ass. Be a hitter, babe.

Stormy: Hey! I wanna be a Martian Knight...

(Marco steps over to Stormy, now brandishing a bat.)

Stormy: ...with.. you guys? Maybe... get... one of them bats?

(Marco hauls off and knocks Stormy in the crotch with the bat; Stormy falls to the floor)

Debbie: Oh my God!

Quinn: What are you doing?

Murphy: Silence! I am enforcing the sacred law of the Red Planet.

Sparks: It's not 'Martian' law. It's-

Murphy: (to Marco) Sir Phobos!

(Marco walks over to Sparks, offscreen. We see the bat flying around and hear lots of thumps and Sparks' cries.)

Sparks: (off-screen) Oww!! My hand!! You crushed my hand!!

Debbie: (to Quinn) Oh my God, we've got to get out of here.

Quinn: Just be cool. I'll try to distract them.

Stormy: (on the ground with eyes rolled up) Something's real bad wrong... in my pants...

(Sparks, at the console, has a hideously crushed hand)

Murphy: (to Sparks) Prithee, knave, what else can I do under Martian law?

Sparks: (in excruciating pain) Aaaaagghh, anything!? Anything you want!? Ugh..

Murphy: Can I marry people?

Sparks: I don't know!! Yeah!! Sure!!

(On the monitor, Doctor Virjay is operating on a patient, and using the gas mask on himself.)

Doctor Virjay, please report to -

(Marco's bat whacks Sparks' good hand repeatedly; we see it crushing on the console.)

Aaauugghh!! Oh God!! That was my last hand!!

Murphy: Under Martian law, doctors and other wizards are forbidden! (to Marco) Nice swing, Sir Phobos.

Marco: The key is to hit really hard. With the bat.

Murphy: Mm-hmm. Okay. Quinn, Debbie, I bid thee... get over here!

Quinn: Captain, I insist that you place Marco under arrest.

Murphy: (pondering) Hmm...

Marco: Uh-uh.

Murphy: Hmm hmm hmm...

Marco: Uh-uh.

Murphy: Hmm... nope.

Quinn: Article nine-three-four states that if-

Murphy: Silence, varlet!

Debbie: (to Quinn) Get me out of here!

Murphy: You two! Me and Ares are a little tired of all this sinning!

Debbie: What?
Quinn: Who?

Murphy: Ares, god of Mars. So, hitherforth, umm... (to Sparks) Sparks, can I marry people?

(Sparks is holding up two mangled hands, and gasps in pain.)

Sparks: Yes!! Anything!!

Murphy: Ohh-kay, so hitherforth, you two are married! That way, Ares will look more favorably on your couplings! Nowwwwwww, couple!

Debbie and Quinn: What??

Murphy: You heard me! Put the spurs to her, Doc!

Quinn: Captain, you are no longer fit to command. I am relieving you.

Murphy: Mmm-hmm, okay. Sir Phobos!

Marco: Mmm-hmm?

Quinn: I insist that you relinquish command this -

(Marco brains Debbie with his bat; Debbie promptly sinks to the floor.)

- Oh my God!!

Sparks: Geez!!

Marco: Oh, crap!

Murphy: What?

Marco: Ummm...

(Marco's foot prods gently at Debbie's head. She doesn't move, and her eyes are rolled back.)

I think I killed her..?

Quinn: You animal!! What have you done??

Murphy: Man, that's tough, newlyweds and everything. (to Quinn) How you holding up?

Quinn: (walking off) I'm calling the police!

Murphy presses a button on the console to close the bridge door.

Murphy: Not so fast, Doctor... Quinn, is it?

Quinn: Yes!!

Murphy: Or is it Doctor 'steal-everything-from-the-sacred-planet-red-Mars?'

Quinn: ...It's Quinn.

Murphy: Then how do you explain... this?

(Murphy holds up a crayon drawing of a space scene, with Mars in the ********** and a black man in a spacesuit floating away with a big green bag labeled 'LOOT.' Cue dramatic ********** music. A pause.)

We're waiting.

(Pause.)

You say something?

Quinn: No.

Murphy: You just said 'no.' That's something.

Quinn: Open the door!!

Murphy: Shut your mouth!!

Quinn: Sparks, they're insane! Call for help!

Sparks: I can't work the controls, Quinny!!

(Sparks sobs, his hands still horribly mangled. One finger hangs back and forth by a sinew. Murphy leans over to inspect them.)

Murphy: Hmm, those hands? Totally useless?

Sparks: Yes!! Dear Lord, yes!

Murphy: Well, don't worry, son; we'll take care of you. Great benefits package here on Mars.

Marco: It's in the planetary charter.

(Stormy slowly rises up from the floor, hands to groin.)

Stormy: Can I, can, can I get me some of those benefits?

Quinn: Stormy! Go for help! Hurry!

Murphy: Sir Deimos! Thank Ares you're alive!

Quinn: Who the hell is Sir Deimos?

Stormy: I hurt, really bad... where I pee.

Murphy: Walk it off, Sir Deimos. I'm sending you on a quest.

Stormy: You, you'd take a eunuch, like me?

Murphy: No prejudice on Mars, son.

Marco: Also in the charter.

Quinn: Stormy, for God's sake, don't listen to them!

Murphy: Sir Deimos! Your quest.. is to find.. Quinn's ass. And then beat it.

Quinn: We're supposed to be looking for a thief -

([/i]Quinn becomes unable to talk as Marco and Stormy (now also brandishing a bat) walk over and begin assaulting him with their bats.)[/i]

Aagh!! Yagh!! Oh!! Ugh!! Ugh!! Ugh!! My eye!! What did you do to my eye!!

(Eventually Marco quits, but Stormy gets in a few more whacks.)

Marco: Come on. Damn, Deimos.

(Quinn is on the floor, bruised to hell, with a black eye.)

Quinn: Sparks, call the police... geoough..

Murphy: All righty! Let us take the prisoner down to the dungeon for his court-Martian.

Marco: We, uh... we don't really have a dungeon, baby.

Murphy: Oh, crap. Sorry, fellas.

(Cut to Frodo, Gandalf, Gimli, and Legolas from Lord of the Rings, standing near the bridge door.)

Gandalf: Earth, wind, and fire! Back to the Shire!

(Smoke rises. Gandalf's staff flashes, and they enter the elevator under cover of smoke.)

(casually) See you at Tremendous, Con!

(The smoke clears. Pause, then a polite cough.)

(to Frodo) Could you hit '2,' please?

Frodo: I'd be delighted.

(Door closes.)

Murphy: Mmm-hmm, okay. Now, what the crap goes on in a court-Martian?

Marco: Um, as Lord Regent of the sacred Red Planet, ah, that would be your call. Sir.

Murphy: I know that, yeah. Sparks, ehh, can I marry people?

Sparks: (weakly) Agh... my hands...

Murphy: Then, as of this moment, I am married to Adrienne Barbeau, Queen of Mars from Olympus Mons to Tharsis. And the punishment for Doctor Quinn shall be death. By slitting.

(Quinn is dragged up off the floor by Marco and Stormy.)

Quinn: You're all insane!!

Murphy: So, let's have it done in the galley -

Quinn: Someone... please..

Murphy: - cause it's got a tile floor with a drain in the middle, and that'll be good, since there's gonna be lots and lots of blood and Quinn guts slopping around all over the place.

Quinn: ..no... please.. help..

Murphy: Plus, we can sacrifice a virgin to Ares when we're done!

Quinn: Wait!! You can't do this!!

Murphy: Knights of Mars, tune him up a little, would ya? Shut that yap of his.

(Another round of beatings.)

Quinn: Gah! Ow, my other eye!! What did you do to my other eye??


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Corridor

(A corridor just outside the Galley door. Quinn is looking really bad, strapped to an upright hospital bed, connected to an IV and an oxygen tank. Sparks, Stormy, Marco, and Murphy stand around him.)

Murphy: Cheesy Pete's, Knights of Mars! I said a little! He's barely alive enough to kill!

Quinn: (gravely) I swear... I'll get you for this... all of you...

Murphy: Yeah, right. Come on, I'm over this. Sir Phobos?

(Marco opens the Galley door in front of them. A birthday cake stands in the middle of the room, surrounded by lots of crew members and party decorations.)

Crowd: SURPRISE!!

(A round of applause and cheers. Debbie, head wrapped in surgical tape, steps in front.)

Murphy: (laughing) Oh-ho, man, you should see the look on your face! Hahahaha!

Marco: All right, baby, you did it, thank you for your help, buddy.

Stormy: You swear you didn't know? Oh, man! Crushed gonads were totally worth it!

Debbie: (laughing) So was my fractured skull! Oh Quinny, it's priceless!

Sparks: (euphorically happy) Crushed hands!! Get it?? Get it??

Quinn: (in disbelief) You, you did all of this... for a surprise party?

Murphy: Ha-ha, yeah! And wait'll you see the best part!

Quinn: What a bunch of [BLEEP]holes.

Murphy: Hit it, Hesh!

(Hesh pops out of the cake and sings with a bunch of other blue-suited crewmen. Visible in the crowd are Paddy O'Reilly, Amish Dave, Evans, Carl, Ted (from accounting,) and Black Debbie. The whole crowd bops their heads to the beat.)

Crowd: Go, robot!
It's your birthday!
Go, robot!
It's your birthday!

Hesh: (rapping) You're one year older!
One year wiser!
Rock and roll star, king, czar, and a kaiser!
A roomful of friends!
A mouthful of cake!
Every present is for you,
And it feels pretty great!
You're the man of the hour,
The V.I.P.
You get the first slice,
Of the P-I-E,
But first blow out the candles,
And make a wish,
Put a smile on,
'Cause it's your birthday, Bitch!

Crowd: Go, robot!
It's your birthday!
Go, robot!
It's your birthday!

(Hesh ducks back into the cake.)

Quinn: Seriously, what a bunch of a[BLEEP]holes. It's not even my birthday.

[Ihaman]

did you just post the whole episode?


strange.

[Crippler]

Originally posted by Ihaman
did you just post the whole episode?


strange.

Yeah, there's a website that has transcripts for some of the shows. The webmaster is looking for someone to do transcripts for the shows he hasn't completed yet. I wanna do the Stimutacs episode.

[Ihaman]

Originally posted by Crippler


the Stimutacs episode.

that's the best one

[Crippler]

Originally posted by Ihaman


that's the best one

It is imperative that we be given precedent over these mendicants.

QUIT BEIN' A BITCH AND PILL ME UP!

Rubberspoosrubberspoonrubberspoonrubberspoonrubber spoonrubberspoonrubberspoonyes.

[Ihaman]

should my physical self feel created from untold millions of minute bubbles?

uh, i dunno

sparks, i have total cognisance of every synapse in my cerebral cortex

no kidding

i must ingest more of the ovoid capsules

what should i do till then?

go bounce somewhere else

indeed

tell your friends!



do you even know what's in it?

i dont care! COLORS ARE MORE VIBRANT! AN...AND FOOD TASTES BETT...actually, i havent eaten in 3 days
BUT AIR TASTES BETTER!



AIR!!!! I HAVE THE ENERGY OF A BEAR....THAT HAS THE ENERGY OF 4 BEARS!



captain, it is not the spoon you wish to bend, but rather, the will of the spoon.