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Old 02-13-2008, 12:47 AM   #10
sickbadthing
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I've left my husband and kids

Dear Anne

I'm 35 and have been married for 12 years. I have three children aged 14,10 and 6. Ours isn't a happy marriage as we didn't want the same things in life. Four months ago I started a full-time job, my first real job in years. There I met a wonderful guy who's 29. Two months ago we started an affair but my husband found out and told me either to stay with him or leave. He then packed my bags three weeks ago when I said there was no way I could give up this guy. I moved in with my lover and we've been together ever since. At first things with my husband were awful, arguing, emotional blackmail and so on. I told my kids, making it clear I wasn't leaving them, just their dad. I've seen them nearly every day since we broke up. My oldest was extremely angry at first but they all seem quite OK with the situation now. I'm extremely happy with my current partner, as is he. I've never before felt the feelings I have with him. Don't get me wrong. It's been tough and we've been through a lot, as have my kids, but things seem to be working out now. I've never been in this situation before. I'd always been faithful through all of my marriage. I know I'm doing the right thing. I just wondered if I could get some advice from an outsider? Thank you. Pipa

Dear Pipa

I wonder what kind of advice you're looking for? You're the one who's living your life and you have already made your own choices. You're the one who will have to live with the consequences of your actions. You're making sure you stay in touch with your kids, which is absolutely vital for their wellbeing, although it's understandable that they'd be upset and very angry with you. They're bound to have some mixed feelings since they love you and their dad, and they're likely to be swayed one way or another at times because on some level they're aware they're a part of each of you and are bound to feel their loyalties pulled in different directions.

I accept that your marriage hadn't been happy for a long time. One thing in favour of the split is that staying together for the sake of the children places an intolerable burden on them since they'd then feel responsible for every row or every bad atmosphere between you and your husband. However, you and your new guy haven't known each other that long. While you may feel great passion right now what with everything being all new and shiny, you don't know each other that well. It's understandable that your husband was argumentative and manipulative at the time of the split. If he'd been like that before, what kinds of response did you show? I hope you'll use all your feelings in this new relationship including mutual respect so you carry on the communication and don't let things drift away from you and your new guy.

You and your ex may choose to arrange your divorce through a mediator, a solicitor who's trained in helping families in difficult positions resolve things with the minimum of hostility and cost. You can find one via www.sfla.org.uk, the website of Resolution, formerly the Solicitors Family Law Association. It's important that you don't criticise their dad to your children, and hopefully he won't smear your name in their eyes either. At handovers, if there's likely to be arguing, you might decide to drop the children off at the end of the path and just wait to see them safe inside. If you and your ex can maintain some semblance of amicability, so much the better.

Children deserve shared, responsible co-parenting. You and your new man might decide to work through Wonderful Ways to be a Step-parent by Judy Ford and Anna Chase because your new feller will be their stepdad, won't he, and that's often a very challenging relationship. You and he will need to work out a common approach to parenting and discipline.

As for any moral, ethical or religious questions, there are plenty of people who will judge you, probably mostly from his side of the family, and there are plenty of others who will be glad you and your new guy have found happiness. So long as you keep the children at the heart of all your decisions you'll be making the best of things. I wish your ex a speedy recovery and all the best to all of your family.

 
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