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-   -   what depression looks like (http://forums.netphoria.org/showthread.php?t=180864)

Elphenor 05-11-2014 11:59 PM

Hahaha. Not really.

Trotskilicious 05-12-2014 12:04 AM

here's something, we got a new kitten and she loves me and she's got a heart murmur and is going to die soon

Elphenor 05-12-2014 12:06 AM

Hey an old friend of mine just contacted me.
I fucked our friendship up because Im psycho.

I didn't think she was ever going to talk to me again. This makes me happy.

Trotskilicious 05-12-2014 12:22 AM

fuck everything

pavementtune 05-12-2014 01:19 AM

Reprise, I'm going to abuse your thread now.
I'd be first in line to make a remark like "how about you use a diary or lifejournal?" but fuck it. That's part of my problem.
I feel like I have no right to say that life occasionally really sucks. That I suck. Or both.

Once you've talked your way through conversations with a counselor or a therapist, you can tell yourself so many wise things, you can argue back and forth with yourself, the "pro-tips" how to deal with it are in your head.
That's fine, but what's missing is being able to just say out loud to anybody that you feel like shit. A counselor gets paid to listen to your self-important rants.

"White guilt" is not the right term for what I mean, maybe "privilege guilt." Along the lines of not having the right to be overwhelmed or not able to deal with something properly. Or to just rant.
I don't have cancer, my home didn't get hit by a tornado, I'm not living in a war. No right to complain, there are always people who are dealing with much more than I am. People (who don't know much about me as a private person) tend to say things like "look at you, you're so lucky!"

I get categorized as a winner.
One might assume that's more desirable than being judged as a loser, but I'd like to say, you know what? Fuck you, and fuck what you think. You know shit. You make assumptions based on income, you make remarks about my 'career', but how does that make things automatically perfect or easy for me?
Yes, I like my work, lucky me, but a 'career' means ultimately shit to me. Yes, by now I'm doing well financially. Nice, makes many things easy, but I can't buy myself a less troublesome family, or less self-doubt, less problems in a relationship, I can't make people I care about not die. Many things scare me, I'm not good at dealing with rougher times. I have the same human personal problems everybody knows.

But nobody wants to hear that or would take it seriously, it's not respetable to say life sucks as a '"winner." I am the one with the furtunate life, this illusion has to fucking work in their eyes. I have to function and be happy, because I'm so lucky. What a downer if I started crying right in the middle of a fucking fancy dinner at the restaurant and yell that I'm sick of having to be the successful foreigner with the charming smile.

Dear diary, now I'm done. This is what depression looks like, too. (with bad grammar and spelling, because I suck at that, too.)

Elphenor 05-12-2014 01:25 AM

Everyone has a right to be sad. Regardless of how "lucky" they are. We all have our problems.

I can't stand this attitude that it's not okay to be sad or that you should be ashamed of being upset.
People shouldn't be afraid to cry in public and no one should think it's weird.

Elphenor 05-12-2014 01:27 AM

When you look at things soberly life is a bummer. We have the unfortunate burden of being self-aware animals in a universe that doesn't give a shit about us.

The exploding boy 05-12-2014 01:32 AM

I'd sympathize but i just got diagnosed with cancer and my home was hit by a tornado.

But seriously, I definitely believe its possible to have money and be unhappy though when you have none having money is pretty often all that's standing between you and happiness. Just about 30 000 bucks right now would pretty much fix everything wrong with my life

Ok well, no... not all, but most of it anyway. Beyond that though, there's feeling fulfilled by your life. I know that what would make me feel this way could be attained a lot more easily with money. Of course, often if your career isn't what's gonna make you feel fulfilled, then the time you spend having one and earning money prevents you from doing anything else.

Elphenor 05-12-2014 01:55 AM

I always thought there was nothing as punk or rebellious as Morrissey.
The whole chest puffing macho thing is weak.

"It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind"

It takes guts to cry in public.

The exploding boy 05-12-2014 01:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pavementtune (Post 4059906)
Well, yes Elph. I am not ashamed and the reasonable part of me knows that I have a right Titel fall apart, too. It's just that people don't expect it, they have their own shit, I'd feel like I'd be letting them down if I dropped the functioning persona.
As for crying in public - not for me. Punk rock in my bones, I'd rather throw the table.


Boy exploding - 30.000?
Cheer me up, tell me what's there to get for that money that makes a fucking difference.


Well I might have exaggerated when i said it would fix everything. It would fix a very big thing though.. but now you're gonna make me talk about something i didn't want to talk about anymore cause it annoys everyone (with reason). Let's just say, i'd use it to make someone i love be legal in this country instead of them having no real official home.


P.s.: Everytime someone mentions my username it reminds me how much i hate it now. For one if nothing else, i'm definitely not a boy anymore. Still a great song though... Everywhere else since i've been known as Milk. I bet that's taken here anyway.

The exploding boy 05-12-2014 02:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elphenor (Post 4059907)
I always thought there was nothing as punk or rebellious as Morrissey.
The whole chest puffing macho thing is weak.

"It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind"

It takes guts to cry in public.


No it takes not giving a fuck about anyone. I've done it, i wasn't having guts. I just don't give a shit as the opinion of a stranger holds absolutely no value to me. As it should be for everyone.

I suppose though if you mean crying in public in front of people who know you i suppose that different, but if theyre your friends they shouldnt judge you on it. Well....unless you pull that kind of shit all the time, in which case get ready to not have friends anymore. And can we blame them.

Elphenor 05-12-2014 02:06 AM

It just takes guts to be who you really are without a socially acceptable mask

Elphenor 05-12-2014 02:56 AM

Im not really literally talking about crying just emotions in general idk

The exploding boy 05-12-2014 03:01 AM

A lot of people display their emotions in public. Like anger, you see this one a lot.

Elphenor 05-12-2014 03:09 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEZF...e_gdata_player

reprise85 05-12-2014 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pavementtune (Post 4059901)
Once you've talked your way through conversations with a counselor or a therapist, you can tell yourself so many wise things, you can argue back and forth with yourself, the "pro-tips" how to deal with it are in your head.
That's fine, but what's missing is being able to just say out loud to anybody that you feel like shit. A counselor gets paid to listen to your self-important rants.

"White guilt" is not the right term for what I mean, maybe "privilege guilt." Along the lines of not having the right to be overwhelmed or not able to deal with something properly. Or to just rant.
I don't have cancer, my home didn't get hit by a tornado, I'm not living in a war. No right to complain, there are always people who are dealing with much more than I am. People (who don't know much about me as a private person) tend to say things like "look at you, you're so lucky!"

I get categorized as a winner.
One might assume that's more desirable than being judged as a loser, but I'd like to say, you know what? Fuck you, and fuck what you think. You know shit. You make assumptions based on income, you make remarks about my 'career', but how does that make things automatically perfect or easy for me?
Yes, I like my work, lucky me, but a 'career' means ultimately shit to me. Yes, by now I'm doing well financially. Nice, makes many things easy, but I can't buy myself a less troublesome family, or less self-doubt, less problems in a relationship, I can't make people I care about not die. Many things scare me, I'm not good at dealing with rougher times. I have the same human personal problems everybody knows.

But nobody wants to hear that or would take it seriously, it's not respetable to say life sucks as a '"winner." I am the one with the furtunate life, this illusion has to fucking work in their eyes. I have to function and be happy, because I'm so lucky. What a downer if I started crying right in the middle of a fucking fancy dinner at the restaurant and yell that I'm sick of having to be the successful foreigner with the charming smile.

Dear diary, now I'm done. This is what depression looks like, too. (with bad grammar and spelling, because I suck at that, too.)

I don't know really what to say, but this makes sense to me and I hope you find an outlet for all of this besides netphoria. But netphoria is a good start.

MusicMan4 05-12-2014 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The exploding boy (Post 4059910)
I just don't give a shit as the opinion of a stranger holds absolutely no value to me. As it should be for everyone.

we're trying to have a society here you asshole

vixnix 05-12-2014 08:54 AM

clinical studies show that career fulfilment and material wealth don't impact happiness as much as feeling connected to a community and having healthy relationships with other human beings...have you thought about joining an interest group of some kind?

MusicMan4 05-12-2014 09:02 AM

clinical studies

vixnix 05-12-2014 09:12 AM

i don't know why i have always annoyed you so much

vixnix 05-12-2014 09:27 AM

There are no winners...we're all in the same boat.

If you joined an interest group you might have fun, I think that makes most people feel better...that's why I joined my choir, and it has been great, everyone else is just as crazy as I am, so I can be open and honest with them. There's something inexplicable about why it's fun, and why having good uncomplicated fun a couple of times a week helps me cope better with everything else. It just works...

vixnix 05-12-2014 09:59 AM

That does sound a bit like depression though...not enjoying things... :(

I'm emotionally shot to hell today. I had to run playgroup for preschoolers 9:30-11:30 finishing up with music time, then run off to a funeral at at neighbouring church to play organ. It's too extreme. I went from twinkle twinkle to the 23rd psalm and crying teenage grandchildren in the space of 30 minutes.

vixnix 05-12-2014 10:19 AM

Yeah I can definitely appreciate that. For me it's about as good as it gets - I've spent most of my life on the bottom rungs of the ladder getting knocked about, none of it has been terribly fun. I just get by the best I can and try to be thankful for the little things. It seems like all I can really do...when I get really down I watch comedy at youtube, like Louis C.K. and Chris Rock, or Arrested Development reruns. And I make appointments with my therapists to talk it out, adjust my meds, etc.

But choir helps a lot. It's just occupational therapy I guess...

Trotskilicious 05-12-2014 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elphenor (Post 4059902)
Everyone has a right to be sad. Regardless of how "lucky" they are. We all have our probems.

I work for the american cancer society. In all of our documents, it basically says you shouldnt tolerate people telling you to 'cheer up' or 'stay positive' because its not productive, it doesnt help, and ultimately the person telling you this when you have cancer are being self centered idiots.

The exploding boy 05-12-2014 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vixnix (Post 4059947)
clinical studies show that career fulfilment and material wealth don't impact happiness as much as feeling connected to a community and having healthy relationships with other human beings...

Last time i hung out with someone that wasn't family or partner was about a year ago. The time before that, probably a year more. I think it might be why i'm depressed.

Though really one of my problem is i can't seem to care enough about others to maintain friendships. Like i think oh i want friends sure, but then the times i had them,i barely keep in contact. Though i think part of it is that i feel like my life is so unlike theirs that they just can't relate and i feel like...inadequate. And it's rare the people i felt i could be myself around and i'm not in any way into playing a role in life. I don't want to have to filter what i can't or cant talk about, pretend that my life is this or that way when it isn't.

Like for years i occasionally hung out with one of my childhood friends. He's married, is a college teacher and has a kid now. What do our lives have in common? Nothing at all. Last time i saw him was at his marriage, about 5 years back. I don't have a career so i have nothing to talk about job wise, my marital..well love life, whatever its called if you're not married, is so completely fucked up compared to anyone else that its frankly hard to grasp for people and i rather not talk about it really cause i don't want to have to explain it or be judged on it.

So what? i'm gonna tell them about what i did in Minecraft over the weekend? I don't think so. Well there's my brother i can talk to about these things yeah but he's even more fucked up than i am. And then there's the fact i have low tolerance for behavior that is not in agreement with my value or moral system.

So really i worked out that while i think i want friends, i don't really, it's a hassle and is more stress than anything. The only problem is knowing no one makes it hard to advance in life as the more people you know, the more it opens up opportunities for change or if nothing else, new experiences, and also having no friends means no one to turn to in times of need. There's my family but my parents won't be there forever. Beyond them, i have nothing.

Elphenor 05-12-2014 12:13 PM

If you're on Netphoria 10 years after SP had any relevance whatsoever, chances are you suffer from some form of depression.

The exploding boy 05-12-2014 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elphenor (Post 4059981)
If you're on Netphoria 10 years after SP had any relevance whatsoever, chances are you suffer from some form of depression.

Truer words rarely spoken.


Imagine...i came back after 13 years! What the fuck does that say about me? I don't even give a shit about SP. I must have just hit rock bottom obviously. Wow, time to wake the fuck up. I need an intervention.

Elphenor 05-12-2014 09:34 PM

How do you live on your own very quickly?

noyen 05-12-2014 09:47 PM

try homelessness for a few days. youll start figuring out what you need and what you don't.

Elphenor 05-12-2014 09:53 PM

That's kind of the plan.
Ill probably live in my car.


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