This goes through my head every single time I'm near a high ledge. I do sometimes get a little urge to jump, wondering if it's high enough to kill me, whether or not I'm going through bad times. It's probably just a "what if?" fantasy.

just found out my friend hung herself on friday night

No words, other than I'm sorry.

i keep a stash of citalopram for a reason

One hopes that times like these aren't frequent

That's a myth. My cousin talked about it for years before he did it. By the 3rd & 4th year, I think everyone stopped listening and taking him seriously because that's all he did was talk. Then he just did it...out of the blue. It was a shock because everyone thought he was just talking shit. Looking back, I think he knew all along he wanted to die, and in some way was preparing everyone for it over time. He had a lot of close friends and family that loved him.

I'm sorry :/ I wonder when dreams like that ever go away... as I have dreams about my gma too, or I'm walking through her back door to the kitchen, and my gparents are still there, alive and happy.. I wake up crying from those dreams sometimes because I miss them so damn much.

Ditto on the mom stuff. Not exact situations but... my mom and I were just never close. There's a lot that I struggle to forgive her for, and she knows she fucked up but will never admit to it. She's not the first person I call when I need someone...but I have many times wished that I could call her. When I'm in pain, I just want my mom... but then I remember how we're not on the same page and how she annoys me with her "I told you so..blah blah blah". Not much compassion or understanding.

I'mHardcore, if there is anything a stranger on the internet could say to you right now, I don't know what it is.

It's much too soon to deal with it in any way, but... but for later. Later in my case I ended up calling an aid group for people who lost someone through suicide. It did help, eventually.

Sorry to hear, hard core.

i'm already seeing a counselor at the moment, so she will help.

thanks for your words, guys.

god damn it man, that sucks.

I'm so sorry, I'm Hardcore.

This is true. The documentary "The Bridge" showcases at least one person who constantly talked about doing it to his friends and family to the point where no one even reacted to it anymore. Until one day he jumped (which is shown at the end of the film).

That film is horrifying

one of the things i've noticed is that in general, other people just get to the point where they ostracize you if you "don't choose to be happy" or whatever chicken soup for the soul bullshit they think

for depressed people, when their friends just relentlessly abandon them just because they are sad or downers or whatever it gets really lonely and while they may have thought or talked about committing suicide over the years as people abandon them it starts to pile up and eventually they just do it because they feel nobody cares about them, and that is true

It's weird when you are functionally depressed. Like you can go out and do your job competently and on the whole take care of yourself without letting it get too bad.

When I got the bipolar diagnosis, I told a few of my closer coworkers about it and they all pretty much said "wow I must have only seen you when you're manic!", which always reminds me of two things, the first being that nobody actually knows anything about these diseases and are going by the misinformation that they've been fed by whoever.

but the other thing i'm reminded of is that if you are functionally depressed, it's because you've developed ways of hiding it from people, and that's motivated by the stigma associated with mental illness.

i honestly can't tell if my becoming a homebody is a consequence of my bipolar disorder or just normal adulthood.

i heard about a study of facebook that analyzed friend connections. if you've ever felt that a majority of people on your friends list have more friends than you, you're in the majority. in other words, most of your friends are more popular than you, and this is the case for most other people.

now i'm not saying that depression doesn't lead to asocial behavior. but it does make it harder knowing that fact.

doesn't help when you're broke, either.

Less talking about suicide, more committing.

Talk the talk, walk the walk.


Personally my life is shit but I've been of the opinion for years that i'd rather all the suffering with the tiny possibility things might get better someday (even if I don't really believe that) than the finality of ending it all and then well...having absolutely no chance things will get any better. Anyway I suspect a cancer will likely kill me by the time i'm like 45 (which is within ten years). I'm too bitter negative and stressed all the time for it to end any other way.

aside from the 6-7 people that i'm actually really "friends" with the only people who seem to respond to anything that i post on FB is netphorians

I stopped FB like 4 years ago (well it's out there but inactive). I'd barely been using it for about 2 years by then. As a result I do not have friends because if you're not keeping in contact online, you might as well not exist. People are overrated anyway. They have needs, wants, feelings and diverging opinions. All of which are pretty annoying.

I have PTSD and I can relate to this w/ that diagnosis more than depression. I have "functional" PTSD in that I generally don't have full-fledged flashbacks (anymore), am able to hide my severe dissociation very well, and can function okay while triggered, albeit at a lower cognitive level (which again, most people don't seem to notice). I am able to keep "reliving" type episodes mostly within therapy and nightmares. Whenever any of this comes up with anyone else I am torn between self-disclosure and wanting privacy. I've worked hard so that it's not obvious, but at the same time I'd like to support people who are suffering more openly. I used to be more forthcoming but I tend to not disclose anymore. In class the other day we were discussing addiction and people were getting personal and I wanted to share my experiences of being addicted to opiates and then getting clean/being clean for a while, but I decided not to. After class I did talk personally to the student who self-disclosed, so that seemed like a good compromise. I'm going to have to really decide what to do with this in school going forward in psychology classes and related. Like in a few weeks my developmental psych class starts and I don't want to relate, for example, how abuse affected my development - but if I could discuss it in a more general way that would be nice.

i deleted my facebook a couple of years ago and my family hasn't stopped hounding me to register again. and i just don't want to. on the heels of that i purged as much of my "online presence" as i could think to do--pictures, accounts, etc and now the internet is just really boring.

but i also do not have any friends and don't feel any strong compulsion to make some, save for a few fleeting moments here and there. i think that since i moved to chicago and it's the first time i've lived centrally in a large city, i've completely turned inward and don't really have patience to deal with anyone. i just started wearing earplugs while i commute on the train and it's extremely satisfying to not have to pay attention to anyone or hear people talking.

I hope things do improve for you and that you're able to keep up with your physical health as well and that you don't get cancer. Things can get better, that might not mean very much to you but it is possible.

Other people are annoying, but don't you miss/long for some kind of human interaction? I don't feel like I'll ever get married or have kids, but a really close friend would be nice. All of the ones I used to have, we live separate lives now because of what drugs did to our friendships. A few are tied into the whole psych ward world and unfortunately outside relationships have mostly failed, plus I'm not in that world anymore. So yeah, a nice friend would be cool. One who lives in the area.

I have to say, when family members started trying to add me on FB, I knew FB was over for me.


Well, the only thing friends bring about is opportunities of any kind. When you have no social life, your life DOES remain the same. . Basically I coudn't keep friends because i'm not social enough. I don't need to be around people often enough to maintain meaningful relationships with them, so we just drift away. Eventually I just stopped trying to make new friends since I knew it would end the same. Less stress and guilt this way anyway. I find it hard to remain interested in other people through no fault of their own. I might be slightly sociopathic.

I've got a gf, we've been together 6 years. She's about as social as I am. We are stranded together in a life of disappointment and apathy. Clearly we've got issues but what are you gonna do?

I mean, I feel you on the people are uninteresting thing. I think the majority are this way, but even if 1/1000 people is interesting/smart, there are a lot of people out there. Like I made friends with this one guy, we hand out maybe every other month but I just... don't like him. There's nothing wrong with him. He's just not in the same mental space I am in, and I think we both realized that at the same time. There are people I connect with, but none of them are available for a closer friendships - one lives in Amhurst most of the year (known him since I was 13, and the other has two small children (one is autistic). We met at work; we got hired a week apart about 18 months ago.

It seems like everyone has something and I just don't have anything. I see myself filling that hole with school and even my cat (who I got a year ago) and I don't think that's bad (seriously, I didn't have anything before), and I do make connections in school, but it never gets very personal and I think that is mostly on me and not on the other people. Since you're new, you probably don't know that when I was super depressed and very PTSD-ed out I couldn't work and basically didn't leave my house for about four years except for therapy and random hospitalizations. It was really this way up until I got my job in Sept 2012. So I've made good strides. I just can't trust people I think is the bottom line. It's pretty sad really.

Maybe it's simply that you've only recently found your way and it takes a while before you get to the point where you no longer feel like you "don't have anyting"

Have you considered not living in a large city?

I mean I don't get the appeal if you don't want to interact with people.

Here's some depression

I seriously have no purpose to continue living. Every single experience in my life is a painful one. Work fucking sucks but what's the point in looking for another job. I probably won't make more, not that I make much now. My home life sucks and it's my fault for not even trying to care about my partner for the last year and a half or just getting up and leaving. Probably because the only option is living with my parents and I guess I'm too proud for that and feel that would actually be worse. My parents are always hounding me to go back to school but I don't fucking want to because it's awful. My mouth hurts and I need dental work done but it's expensive and I don't want to ask anyone for money. My back always hurts because I sleep on a futon and I just don't want to spend the money on a good bed. I seriously don't want to do anything to make my life better so don't think I'm complaining about anything, I'm just talking. In the past I'd complain, vent, whatever to anyone willing to listen but now I just don't say anything to anyone. I've been thinking about going to a psychiatrist but I've been down that road and I never stick to anything. I mean seriously I have no redeeming qualities and I do nothing. I left work early because my boss can clearly see I'm not ok and I've just been laying here. What a fucking loser I am. It makes no sense that I haven't just ended it and the only reason I haven't I guess is that it requires effort.

yes, of course i've considered that. my job, which i enjoy, limits my options in that regard. there are many advantages i gain from being in a large city but they come with many unappealing or frustrating disadvantages. i hated living in the suburbs all my life, too.

to this point, the things that i enjoy about being in a city don't have much to do (that i see) with having the opportunity to interact with a large number of people on a regular basis. for example, not having to drive to get around, having a wide array of goods and services available within easy reach, museums, sights, etc

small towns have even more interaction, actually. everyone knows everyone else etc etc

maybe small cities would be another thing

but you can be anonymous and anti social in cities of a million plus, it's easy

i would love to live in chicago. the wife may end up going to grad school there.

i don't want to live anywhere, i wish i was dead

I've been listening to power metal for the last 2 hours


I think I'm depressed


Help me

You'd think that but I come from a very small town and I find life a lot more depressing there despite the fact i live in a city and have no social life. At least there's some life around even if i'm not part of it. In a small town everything just feels dead. My family have been trying to get me to come back to my hometown for years but I just don't want to. Here i'm just depressed there i'd probably become suicidal. My brother didn't try to kill himself until he went back there anyway........

my mother and stepfather live in a small rural town. I would go crazy if I had to live there. They basically sit in their house every day and they only leave when my mother drives to work or they go to church. there's not a damn thing to do in that place. I think there's one shitty restaurant and nothing else.

in terms of personal interaction with other people there isn't any. it seems like a great place to be if you don't want to interact with other human beings

in a thread where actual suicide has been discussed, you come up with this

u of chicago? uic? northwestern?

we should hang out again.

Your family sounds like creeps possibly libertarian tin foil hat wearers

iirc your dad's a bit of a dick too, right?