intoxicated with the madness, i'm in love with my sadness

;)

I mean, I guess sometimes I miss not having responsibilities since now I can work and go to school etc. But not having responsibilities sucks way worse than having them. But I think you're more functional than I was? Maybe you need a vacation? Or perhaps you have some mania in your depression and you like how that feels?

I am on vacation day 3 (out of 8) from work. I still have school Mon-Thurs and finals the week after, but I feel like I have soooo much time right now.

semester just ended and the intersemester ennui is always unbearable. i have to be careful that i don't slip into a depressive episode.

are you taking summer classes? or are you done with classes and teaching now? or are you taking classes and tutoring? was never 100% clear

I only have a week between the end of this semester and the beginning of summer semester. Developmental Psychology and Computer Literacy 4x a week for 6 weeks and then Chemistry 4x a week for 6 weeks

what was to by my final semester in obtaining my AA was hexed by my mental breakdown. kept my job at the college though, and i tutor like 25 hours a week. it's a pretty sweet gig for a math major.

trying to take summer classes and just start at university skipping the AA part.thinking i'd like to do biomath.

6 week chem class? that sounds absolutely brutal, but if its the only class you're taking, then it's probably doable.

i think about suicide with some regularity, but i don't think i'm depressed or suicidal.

well, i probably am depressed? depends on the definition i guess. but i think it is completely rational to contemplate suicide. i mean.... why not? any time i feel stressed it seems appealing. i wish it weren't so taboo. so we could talk about it. i never really feel like i have the chance to discuss this. maybe this is the thread for that.

Yes, I figured doing it by itself would be okay. The professor has some lectures uploaded to my campus' youtube page, so I got to see how he lectures. I think it's all good.

like if i put a bullet in my brain i wouldn't have to go to work on monday. how is that not appealing?

This goes through my head every single time I'm near a high ledge. I do sometimes get a little urge to jump, wondering if it's high enough to kill me, whether or not I'm going through bad times. It's probably just a "what if?" fantasy.

just found out my friend hung herself on friday night

No words, other than I'm sorry.

i keep a stash of citalopram for a reason

One hopes that times like these aren't frequent

That's a myth. My cousin talked about it for years before he did it. By the 3rd & 4th year, I think everyone stopped listening and taking him seriously because that's all he did was talk. Then he just did it...out of the blue. It was a shock because everyone thought he was just talking shit. Looking back, I think he knew all along he wanted to die, and in some way was preparing everyone for it over time. He had a lot of close friends and family that loved him.

I'm sorry :/ I wonder when dreams like that ever go away... as I have dreams about my gma too, or I'm walking through her back door to the kitchen, and my gparents are still there, alive and happy.. I wake up crying from those dreams sometimes because I miss them so damn much.

Ditto on the mom stuff. Not exact situations but... my mom and I were just never close. There's a lot that I struggle to forgive her for, and she knows she fucked up but will never admit to it. She's not the first person I call when I need someone...but I have many times wished that I could call her. When I'm in pain, I just want my mom... but then I remember how we're not on the same page and how she annoys me with her "I told you so..blah blah blah". Not much compassion or understanding.

I'mHardcore, if there is anything a stranger on the internet could say to you right now, I don't know what it is.

It's much too soon to deal with it in any way, but... but for later. Later in my case I ended up calling an aid group for people who lost someone through suicide. It did help, eventually.

Sorry to hear, hard core.

i'm already seeing a counselor at the moment, so she will help.

thanks for your words, guys.

god damn it man, that sucks.

I'm so sorry, I'm Hardcore.

This is true. The documentary "The Bridge" showcases at least one person who constantly talked about doing it to his friends and family to the point where no one even reacted to it anymore. Until one day he jumped (which is shown at the end of the film).

That film is horrifying

one of the things i've noticed is that in general, other people just get to the point where they ostracize you if you "don't choose to be happy" or whatever chicken soup for the soul bullshit they think

for depressed people, when their friends just relentlessly abandon them just because they are sad or downers or whatever it gets really lonely and while they may have thought or talked about committing suicide over the years as people abandon them it starts to pile up and eventually they just do it because they feel nobody cares about them, and that is true

It's weird when you are functionally depressed. Like you can go out and do your job competently and on the whole take care of yourself without letting it get too bad.

When I got the bipolar diagnosis, I told a few of my closer coworkers about it and they all pretty much said "wow I must have only seen you when you're manic!", which always reminds me of two things, the first being that nobody actually knows anything about these diseases and are going by the misinformation that they've been fed by whoever.

but the other thing i'm reminded of is that if you are functionally depressed, it's because you've developed ways of hiding it from people, and that's motivated by the stigma associated with mental illness.

i honestly can't tell if my becoming a homebody is a consequence of my bipolar disorder or just normal adulthood.

i heard about a study of facebook that analyzed friend connections. if you've ever felt that a majority of people on your friends list have more friends than you, you're in the majority. in other words, most of your friends are more popular than you, and this is the case for most other people.

now i'm not saying that depression doesn't lead to asocial behavior. but it does make it harder knowing that fact.

doesn't help when you're broke, either.

Less talking about suicide, more committing.

Talk the talk, walk the walk.


Personally my life is shit but I've been of the opinion for years that i'd rather all the suffering with the tiny possibility things might get better someday (even if I don't really believe that) than the finality of ending it all and then well...having absolutely no chance things will get any better. Anyway I suspect a cancer will likely kill me by the time i'm like 45 (which is within ten years). I'm too bitter negative and stressed all the time for it to end any other way.

aside from the 6-7 people that i'm actually really "friends" with the only people who seem to respond to anything that i post on FB is netphorians

I stopped FB like 4 years ago (well it's out there but inactive). I'd barely been using it for about 2 years by then. As a result I do not have friends because if you're not keeping in contact online, you might as well not exist. People are overrated anyway. They have needs, wants, feelings and diverging opinions. All of which are pretty annoying.

I have PTSD and I can relate to this w/ that diagnosis more than depression. I have "functional" PTSD in that I generally don't have full-fledged flashbacks (anymore), am able to hide my severe dissociation very well, and can function okay while triggered, albeit at a lower cognitive level (which again, most people don't seem to notice). I am able to keep "reliving" type episodes mostly within therapy and nightmares. Whenever any of this comes up with anyone else I am torn between self-disclosure and wanting privacy. I've worked hard so that it's not obvious, but at the same time I'd like to support people who are suffering more openly. I used to be more forthcoming but I tend to not disclose anymore. In class the other day we were discussing addiction and people were getting personal and I wanted to share my experiences of being addicted to opiates and then getting clean/being clean for a while, but I decided not to. After class I did talk personally to the student who self-disclosed, so that seemed like a good compromise. I'm going to have to really decide what to do with this in school going forward in psychology classes and related. Like in a few weeks my developmental psych class starts and I don't want to relate, for example, how abuse affected my development - but if I could discuss it in a more general way that would be nice.