post favorite jokes.

Ketchup · 10-15-2002, 11:07 PM

especially offensive and distasteful ones... GO!

Junebug · 10-15-2002, 11:11 PM

How do you spot Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

He's the one with the sesame seed BUNS!!! aahahahahahah!!!

....man I love corny jokes. Love them.

Shparticus · 10-16-2002, 12:34 AM

This guy and his buddy are out hunting in the woods, miles from civilization. They're walking along and all of a sudden the guy's buddy collapses. The guy panics, checks his buddy's pulse and breathing and there's nothing, and freaks out. He fumbles with his cell phone and dials 911. The operater comes on and says, "911, what is your emergency?"
She hears the guy go, "My buddy, uh, we were just out hunting and, uh, oh, Jesus God, I think he's dead! My buddy's dead! What do I do?!"
She says, "Alright, sir, remain calm. Now the first thing we have to do is make sure he's dead, alright?"
There's a minute of silence from the other end, then a loud BANG! Then the guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

[/teh funneh]

Johnny Zoloft · 10-16-2002, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Shparticus
This guy and his buddy are out hunting in the woods, miles from civilization. They're walking along and all of a sudden the guy's buddy collapses. The guy panics, checks his buddy's pulse and breathing and there's nothing, and freaks out. He fumbles with his cell phone and dials 911. The operater comes on and says, "911, what is your emergency?"
She hears the guy go, "My buddy, uh, we were just out hunting and, uh, oh, Jesus God, I think he's dead! My buddy's dead! What do I do?!"
She says, "Alright, sir, remain calm. Now the first thing we have to do is make sure he's dead, alright?"
There's a minute of silence from the other end, then a loud BANG! Then the guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

[/teh funneh]

HEARD.

Shparticus · 10-16-2002, 12:43 AM

Also, here's a couple oldies but goodies:

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

One goes, "Hey, you! Get offa my cloud!"
The other goes, "Hey, McLeod! Get offa my ewe!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar. They've been drinking solidly in silence for about an hour when the Jewish guy gets up, walks over to the Chinese guy, and punches him square in the face. The Chinese guy gets up off the floor and yells, "What the fuck was that for?"
The Jewish guy says, "That was for Pearl Harbor, you bastard!"
The Chinese guy says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese!"
"Ah," says the Jewish guy, "Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference? But hey, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have slugged you. Lemme buy you a drink."
So he does and they drink some more and after a while the Chinese guy gets up and walks over to the Jewish guy and punches HIM in the face. The Jewish guy gets up and yells, "And what the hell was that about, huh?"
The Chinese guy says, "That was for the Titanic, you piece of shit!"
The Jewish guy can't believe it. He says, "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, you dolt!"
"Ah," says the Chinese guy, "iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

Unabashed ethnic humor is charming, no?

funnygeezus · 10-16-2002, 12:54 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Shparticus
Unabashed ethnic humor is charming, no?

i can dig it.

so there's a foreman working a construction site and he has one chinese worker. the chinese guy manages to screw up every task assigned to him, so the foreman tells him to stand in the middle of the site next to a supply pile. he tells him: "you stay here. if anyone comes by, give them supplies." the foreman goes to lunch and when he comes back no one has any supplies and all the workers look pissed off, the chinese guy is nowhere to be seen. he asks what's wrong and the workers nod toward the middle of the site. the foreman walks up to the supply pile and the chinese guy jumps out and yells:

"SUPPLIES!!!"

10-16-2002, 02:39 AM

I think the best ethnic racial joke is to rip off about two or three Jewish jokes (eg, what's the difference between a Jew and a pizza - the pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven) and then follow the jokes up with this:

No man, ya know I really shouldn't be telling Jew jokes. Yeah. I mean I had an uncle who died in the Holocaust.

Motherfucker got drunk as shit and fell off the guard table.

Sadly, I really have great uncles and aunts who died in the Holocaust so I've never told that joke (yeah right) but I find it amusing when people do. Cuz I'm self-hating and all.

10-16-2002, 02:40 AM

Guard tower damnit. Not table.

"I'm so stupid!"

Shparticus · 10-16-2002, 08:10 AM

I just don't understand you people. Forget I said anything.

severin · 10-16-2002, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by The Ace of Aces
I think the best ethnic racial joke is to rip off about two or three Jewish jokes (eg, what's the difference between a Jew and a pizza - the pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven) and then follow the jokes up with this:

No man, ya know I really shouldn't be telling Jew jokes. Yeah. I mean I had an uncle who died in the Holocaust.

Motherfucker got drunk as shit and fell off the guard table.

Sadly, I really have great uncles and aunts who died in the Holocaust so I've never told that joke (yeah right) but I find it amusing when people do. Cuz I'm self-hating and all.

hey, i posted that one a few days ago.....

strange_one · 10-16-2002, 08:47 AM

A man was walking by a church one Sunday and saw a cute little girl sitting on the footpath. She was dressed up nicely and playing with her fluffy puppy.

“What’s your name?” the man asked.

“Candy,” replied the little girl. “They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog, Porky.”

“Do they call him that because he likes pork?” asked the man.

“No,” said the girl. “They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs up the arse.”

strange_one · 10-16-2002, 08:49 AM

Q: WHAT DO DAVID BECKHAM AND A DIAMOND RING HAVE IN COMMON?

A: THEY BOTH COME IN A POSH BOX.

strange_one · 10-16-2002, 08:51 AM

Two guys were talking in the pub. One of them said, “If you were to wake up in the woods with lubricant smeared all over your ass, would you tell anyone?”

“Of course not!” replied the other.

“Oh,” the first bloke said, “then would you like to go camping?”

jenn · 10-16-2002, 08:53 AM

whats red and crawls up your leg?

a homesick abortion

how do you make a five year old girl cry twice?

rub your bloody dick on her teddy bear

whats the worst part of fucking bald pussy?

taking the diaper off

how many dead babies can you fit in a VW?

thirty-nine and one-half

how do you get 100 dead babies into a telephone booth?

blender

...how do you get them out?

straw

DeviousJ · 10-16-2002, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Shparticus
This guy and his buddy are out hunting in the woods, miles from civilization. They're walking along and all of a sudden the guy's buddy collapses. The guy panics, checks his buddy's pulse and breathing and there's nothing, and freaks out. He fumbles with his cell phone and dials 911. The operater comes on and says, "911, what is your emergency?"
She hears the guy go, "My buddy, uh, we were just out hunting and, uh, oh, Jesus God, I think he's dead! My buddy's dead! What do I do?!"
She says, "Alright, sir, remain calm. Now the first thing we have to do is make sure he's dead, alright?"
There's a minute of silence from the other end, then a loud BANG! Then the guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

[/teh funneh]

I heard that one the other day, only he didn't really say it right. I was confused, then I asked if he'd just made it up on the spot. I feel bad now

strange_one · 10-16-2002, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by melancholia
whats red and crawls up your leg?

a homesick abortion

how do you make a five year old girl cry twice?

rub your bloody dick on her teddy bear

whats the worst part of fucking bald pussy?

taking the diaper off

how many dead babies can you fit in a VW?

thirty-nine and one-half

how do you get 100 dead babies into a telephone booth?

blender

...how do you get them out?

straw

how about posting jokes we haven't heard 90 times already?

strange_one · 10-16-2002, 09:17 AM

Q: Why did hitler kill himself?
A: He got his gas bill.

strange_one · 10-16-2002, 09:23 AM

Q : what do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A : slap the bitch!

strange_one · 10-16-2002, 09:25 AM

Q: Why is tylenol white and not black?
A: It works.

jenn · 10-16-2002, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by strange_one

how about posting jokes we haven't heard 90 times already?

meanie... i don't know any others.

strange_one · 10-16-2002, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by melancholia

meanie... i don't know any others.

sorry, didn't mean to be rude

obscured01 · 10-16-2002, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Shparticus
Also, here's a couple oldies but goodies:

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

One goes, "Hey, you! Get offa my cloud!"
The other goes, "Hey, McLeod!...

That's my last name! I don't know why, that surprized me to see that.

I'm lame and don't know any good jokes. Except one about this nun telling these guys to go to hell... but my mother sent me that because she thought it was cute... I don't think it'd quite fit in with these jokes.

Shattered · 10-16-2002, 02:56 PM

Do you accept yo' mama jokes?

Cuz if you do..then..

Yo' mama's so fat..but I fucked her anyway..

10-15-2002, 11:07 PM	#1
Ketchup Apocalyptic Poster Location: Muskegon, MI Posts: 2,469	post favorite jokes. especially offensive and distasteful ones... GO!

10-16-2002, 12:34 AM	#3
Shparticus Apocalyptic Poster Location: Lemon curry? Posts: 1,498	Okay... This guy and his buddy are out hunting in the woods, miles from civilization. They're walking along and all of a sudden the guy's buddy collapses. The guy panics, checks his buddy's pulse and breathing and there's nothing, and freaks out. He fumbles with his cell phone and dials 911. The operater comes on and says, "911, what is your emergency?" She hears the guy go, "My buddy, uh, we were just out hunting and, uh, oh, Jesus God, I think he's dead! My buddy's dead! What do I do?!" She says, "Alright, sir, remain calm. Now the first thing we have to do is make sure he's dead, alright?" There's a minute of silence from the other end, then a loud BANG! Then the guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?" [/teh funneh]

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10-15-2002, 11:11 PM	#2
Junebug Minion of Satan Posts: 7,072	How do you spot Ronald McDonald on a nude beach? He's the one with the sesame seed BUNS!!! aahahahahahah!!! ....man I love corny jokes. Love them.

10-16-2002, 12:43 AM	#5
Shparticus Apocalyptic Poster Location: Lemon curry? Posts: 1,498	Also, here's a couple oldies but goodies: What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? One goes, "Hey, you! Get offa my cloud!" The other goes, "Hey, McLeod! Get offa my ewe!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Jewish man and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar. They've been drinking solidly in silence for about an hour when the Jewish guy gets up, walks over to the Chinese guy, and punches him square in the face. The Chinese guy gets up off the floor and yells, "What the fuck was that for?" The Jewish guy says, "That was for Pearl Harbor, you bastard!" The Chinese guy says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese!" "Ah," says the Jewish guy, "Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference? But hey, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have slugged you. Lemme buy you a drink." So he does and they drink some more and after a while the Chinese guy gets up and walks over to the Jewish guy and punches HIM in the face. The Jewish guy gets up and yells, "And what the hell was that about, huh?" The Chinese guy says, "That was for the Titanic, you piece of shit!" The Jewish guy can't believe it. He says, "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, you dolt!" "Ah," says the Chinese guy, "iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" Unabashed ethnic humor is charming, no?

10-16-2002, 02:39 AM	#7
Boner Posts: n/a	I think the best ethnic racial joke is to rip off about two or three Jewish jokes (eg, what's the difference between a Jew and a pizza - the pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven) and then follow the jokes up with this: No man, ya know I really shouldn't be telling Jew jokes. Yeah. I mean I had an uncle who died in the Holocaust. Motherfucker got drunk as shit and fell off the guard table. Sadly, I really have great uncles and aunts who died in the Holocaust so I've never told that joke (yeah right) but I find it amusing when people do. Cuz I'm self-hating and all.

10-16-2002, 02:40 AM	#8
Boner Posts: n/a	Guard tower damnit. Not table. "I'm so stupid!"

10-16-2002, 08:10 AM	#9
Shparticus Apocalyptic Poster Location: Lemon curry? Posts: 1,498	I just don't understand you people. Forget I said anything.

10-16-2002, 08:47 AM	#11
strange_one No Chance Location: Here Posts: 13,788	A man was walking by a church one Sunday and saw a cute little girl sitting on the footpath. She was dressed up nicely and playing with her fluffy puppy. “What’s your name?” the man asked. “Candy,” replied the little girl. “They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog, Porky.” “Do they call him that because he likes pork?” asked the man. “No,” said the girl. “They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs up the arse.”

10-16-2002, 08:49 AM	#12
strange_one No Chance Location: Here Posts: 13,788	Q: WHAT DO DAVID BECKHAM AND A DIAMOND RING HAVE IN COMMON? A: THEY BOTH COME IN A POSH BOX.

10-16-2002, 08:51 AM	#13
strange_one No Chance Location: Here Posts: 13,788	Two guys were talking in the pub. One of them said, “If you were to wake up in the woods with lubricant smeared all over your ass, would you tell anyone?” “Of course not!” replied the other. “Oh,” the first bloke said, “then would you like to go camping?”

10-16-2002, 08:53 AM	#14
jenn Minion of Satan Location: new york Posts: 6,325	whats red and crawls up your leg? a homesick abortion how do you make a five year old girl cry twice? rub your bloody dick on her teddy bear whats the worst part of fucking bald pussy? taking the diaper off how many dead babies can you fit in a VW? thirty-nine and one-half how do you get 100 dead babies into a telephone booth? blender ...how do you get them out? straw

10-16-2002, 09:17 AM	#17
strange_one No Chance Location: Here Posts: 13,788	Q: Why did hitler kill himself? A: He got his gas bill.

10-16-2002, 09:23 AM	#18
strange_one No Chance Location: Here Posts: 13,788	Q : what do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A : slap the bitch!

10-16-2002, 09:25 AM	#19
strange_one No Chance Location: Here Posts: 13,788	Q: Why is tylenol white and not black? A: It works.

10-16-2002, 02:56 PM	#23
Shattered Apocalyptic Poster Location: Uranus Posts: 1,196	Do you accept yo' mama jokes? Cuz if you do..then.. Yo' mama's so fat..but I fucked her anyway..