how do you know you're not a sociopath

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by Charmbag

he confessed this to my brother and i and soon after i overheard a convo between my parents in which my mom found out he had cheated on her extensively over the years and then they were in their final separation hey and now they are divorcioed

dude sorry this all happened/is happening

[Starla]

Originally Posted by Trotskilicious

my dad doesn't have any porn

Maybe he has some pokemon cards?

[Luke de Spa]

Originally Posted by Starla

I watched Power rangers, played magic the gathering, D&D, and traded pokemon cards.

you're on beckham watch

https://dl.dropbox.com/u/6928048/beckhamwatch1.jpg

because I AM insane, and when people fuck over a friend of mine, it's just as good as them fucking me over too - and I'll make them pay

[null123]

Originally Posted by Starla

Yeah, it is hard to say it for many reasons. His alcoholism created an atmosphere where we never knew how the mood was going to be. My mom was his care taker, even went to the store to get his beer for him. Sorry you are going through this.

yeah. i'm starting to learn about the traits of children of alcoholics and it all is very familiar. the uncertainty/moodiness of the household is the biggest thing

[reprise85]

i actually talked about that in therapy today (the porn). i ended up telling my mom after a few months of it making me feel like i was going to die by telling someone or my dad would kill me for telling someone or it would make my parents get divorced and it would be all my fault

i mean in hindsight porn isnt a big deal i guess but not the kind of porn i found and also it wasnt like now where people joke about porn on the internet, this was like hard copy stuff in a drawer in his desk that he must have looked at constantly cause it was in a drawer in his desk at work and i didnt know how to react at 11 years old and my mom told me this had been an ongoing problem and she'd talk to him about it but i dont know what happened

and then years later i know i looked again to see if it was gone but i do not remember if it was still there or not and it freaks me out a little to think about

[null123]

Originally Posted by reprise85

dude sorry this all happened/is happening

yeah i mean it's all kind of old news now but i've never talked about it to anyone. my brother (smartly) chooses not to think about it and i never had anyone i could be open about it with. i just wish they had separated when i was a toddler becuase it was a long severely abusive marriage

[Starla]

Beckham should have never married Posh.

[Luke de Spa]

he should have kept quiet and stuck to his pokémon cards

[null123]

that's true too

[reprise85]

i watched power rangers

T taught me how to play D&D and magic the gathering and pokemon

he had sexual fan art of the pink ranger

[reprise85]

how depressing is this thread

[reprise85]

so charmbag i guess you know you're not a sociopath now? :P

[Luke de Spa]

okay, confession time

i never read yu-gi-oh fanfic

[reprise85]

you lied to me

[Starla]

Originally Posted by Charmbag

yeah. i'm starting to learn about the traits of children of alcoholics and it all is very familiar. the uncertainty/moodiness of the household is the biggest thing

It is, and the one thing I found as I got older and out on my own was a strong desire to create a place to live that was not like that. Children of alcoholics tend to have intuitive feelings about people and can generally gauge emotions of others. It's something you learn to do on a daily basis. I hate uncertainty and it tends to trigger my fears. I believe I'm sharing way too much here about myself, but oh well!

[Luke de Spa]

i'm a monster

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by Starla

It is, and the one thing I found as I got older and out on my own was a strong desire to create a place to live that was not like that. Children of alcoholics tend to have intuitive feelings about people and can generally gauge emotions of others. It's something you learn to do on a daily basis. I hate uncertainty and it tends to trigger my fears. I believe I'm sharing way too much here about myself, but oh well!

neither of my parents are alcoholics but there was daily child abuse in different forms so it was an eggshells type thing for me as well. im also sharing way too much as well but hey its 5am

any time i make small mistakes i get where i feel like i have to like make it up to the person or like, i feel like i need to overcompensate because im used to it being used against me (Still after all these years) so i get all emotionally invested and meanwhile the other person forgot the thing 20 minutes after it happened. this happened at work the other day and i was like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu because i knew what i was doing but i still couldnt stop the feeling, obsessing about being prepared for it to be used against me in a way justifying some kind of abuse. this probably sounds dumb but it is still how i work and how PTSD affects me

but a few hours later i felt better which is still way too long but it used to be like days or more

[null123]

Originally Posted by Starla

It is, and the one thing I found as I got older and out on my own was a strong desire to create a place to live that was not like that. Children of alcoholics tend to have intuitive feelings about people and can generally gauge emotions of others. It's something you learn to do on a daily basis. I hate uncertainty and it tends to trigger my fears. I believe I'm sharing way too much here about myself, but oh well!

no i totally get you. the thing i dislike most about my life (by far) is the uncertainty and i just want to have some calm predicatable responsible situation but it's hard to achieve for me

[null123]

i like all the people currently posting in this thread so i say let's TMI til the sun comes up

[null123]

Originally Posted by reprise85

so charmbag i guess you know you're not a sociopath now? :P

i feel pretty sure of it yeah. i have pretty intense personal experiences of other people's emotions

[null123]

Originally Posted by Luke de Spa

i'm a monster

idk luke you've always been more Jekyll than Hyde to me

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by Charmbag

no i totally get you. the thing i dislike most about my life (by far) is the uncertainty and i just want to have some calm predicatable responsible situation but it's hard to achieve for me

but you're working on it and that's great good to do while you're young especially

[Starla]

Originally Posted by Charmbag

no i totally get you. the thing i dislike most about my life (by far) is the uncertainty and i just want to have some calm predicatable responsible situation but it's hard to achieve for me

It was hard for me to achieve it because I didn't have any examples of how to do it. And then I went forward and got involved in what seemed normal to me. It just takes time to get to know who you are separate of what your life was growing up. I think what helped me was getting to know people who had some semblance of that life I was looking for and I learned from them. If that makes any sense. There's always a part of me that struggles w/ keeping things balanced and not slipping backwards into what was.

[Starla]

Originally Posted by reprise85

but you're working on it and that's great good to do while you're young especially

No kidding. None of these revelations hit me until much later! She's got a good start.

[null123]

Originally Posted by reprise85

neither of my parents are alcoholics but there was daily child abuse in different forms so it was an eggshells type thing for me as well. im also sharing way too much as well but hey its 5am

any time i make small mistakes i get where i feel like i have to like make it up to the person or like, i feel like i need to overcompensate because im used to it being used against me (Still after all these years) so i get all emotionally invested and meanwhile the other person forgot the thing 20 minutes after it happened. this happened at work the other day and i was like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu because i knew what i was doing but i still couldnt stop the feeling, obsessing about being prepared for it to be used against me in a way justifying some kind of abuse. this probably sounds dumb but it is still how i work and how PTSD affects me

totally feel this too. i never chalked it up to PTSD because i dont' know what the threshold is for a traumatic event but i've had severe anxiety my entire life so there's that. my mom always used to mock me for, if i had say knocked over a vase or something, looking up at the people around me (usually my parents) to judge how much trouble i was in, before picking up the vase. but to me it's like no shit.

[reprise85]

yeah i feel really grateful that i started at 22, most people involved seem to be late 30s-50s

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by Charmbag

totally feel this too. i never chalked it up to PTSD because i dont' know what the threshold is for a traumatic event but i've had severe anxiety my entire life so there's that. my mom always used to mock me for, if i had say knocked over a vase or something, looking up at the people around me (usually my parents) to judge how much trouble i was in, before picking up the vase. but to me it's like no shit.

im sorry you deal with it to. for me i can trace it back to daily events and how everything was used - i didnt wash the dishes correctly, or take out the trash at the right time, to use really benign examples - i look at some man too long at the grocery store, he didnt like what i was wearing, literally anything could be and was used so i had to be hypervigilant about not making "mistakes" and playing his fucked up game by his rules, it's a fucked up tactic that makes the victim think they have control when they will lose no matter what. so the game is to create this atmosphere where you feel you have to diffuse the anger and that is of course by having sex which is the only thing that will end the feeling of impending doom and start the entire thing all over again. so it's raping you but not forcefully but mentally fucking your mind up where you feel like it is your choice to be doing this when in fact it is your only option

so later you can't say "he raped me" or "i didnt want that kind of sex" because you said it was OK, so basically it's a license to do whatever the fuck they want to you with your permission and so it fucks you up thinking it's your fault and you have the problem and not that the game is rigged or accepting that the game exists which i didnt do until long after it was over

does that make sense

[null123]

Originally Posted by Starla

No kidding. None of these revelations hit me until much later! She's got a good start.

you are both very sweet. I do think the most useful thing about school right now is leanring how to imitate normalcy in other people's lives and having a good opportunity to get to know a lot of people. so many times i used to feel like an alien and like i have to start from zero and learn to how to be a human being.

[Starla]

Originally Posted by reprise85

neither of my parents are alcoholics but there was daily child abuse in different forms so it was an eggshells type thing for me as well. im also sharing way too much as well but hey its 5am

any time i make small mistakes i get where i feel like i have to like make it up to the person or like, i feel like i need to overcompensate because im used to it being used against me (Still after all these years) so i get all emotionally invested and meanwhile the other person forgot the thing 20 minutes after it happened. this happened at work the other day and i was like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu because i knew what i was doing but i still couldnt stop the feeling, obsessing about being prepared for it to be used against me in a way justifying some kind of abuse. this probably sounds dumb but it is still how i work and how PTSD affects me

but a few hours later i felt better which is still way too long but it used to be like days or more

Here is a thought. Are you as hard on yourself as your parents were? Cause I know that I can be. I used to apologize for everything too. Overcompensating, apologizing are mostly learned behaviors and has much to do with self of steem.

[Starla]

I think I'm gonna crash. Night ya'll.