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Old 12-14-2007, 03:51 PM   #1
ravenguy2000
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Default the new american gladiators ranked from least awesome to totally most awesome



Fury takes ferocity to a whole new level. At 5-feet, 8-inches, she is a maelstrom of raw aggression and the epitome of the female gladiator. Equally balanced in speed and strength... Hell hath no fury like, Fury. Period.

Her description is gay and stupid and she'll be working at the local Fashion Bug in 2 years.



The 6-foot, 3-inch, 220-pound Gladiator targets his opponents with tactical precision. With an impressive arsenal of skills at his disposal, he is well equipped for any operation and will do anything to complete his objective. Once Militia has you in his sights, you'd better have a plan, or the game is over.

When I think of Militias I think of fat guys in Idaho with handlebar mustaches writing letters to the unabomber and eating baked beans out of cans. NEXT!

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 03:53 PM   #2
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Consider yourself warned when she is heard in Gladiator Arena. Siren is a force to be reckoned with who will go off at the slightest provocation! Pay close attention to her every move, or siren will wail... on you!

When I think of American Gladiators I don't think of street walking hoors who's facial color is 20 times lighter than their body. However, coming out of nowhere and wailing on somebody is pretty cool.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 03:54 PM   #3
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With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, Toa has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy.

His face kinda looks like waltermcphillip's avatar!

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 03:56 PM   #4
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With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win... one way or another.

More like "Titan"-ic douchebag. He looks like one of the bad guys from a shitty 80's high school comedy.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:00 PM   #5
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She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in shock and awe. Immensely strong and cool under pressure, Stealth executes her favorite move -- a quick counter-attack that you never see coming.

Her stealthiest feature is that penis she has tucked between her legs.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:03 PM   #6
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more

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:04 PM   #7
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Don't let the winsome smile fool you... Crush earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission. Despite her girl-next-door looks, she's a powerful, fierce opponent who has no problem handling the women competitors, and then going back to breaking men's hearts.

And by "breaking men's hearts" we mean perpetuating hurtful gender based stereotypes. However, she's named "Crush" because she "smashes" opponents. Tricky!

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:07 PM   #8
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She has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena. She stalks her prey with caution and strikes when it is least expected. Any opponent that faces her had better come prepared because there is no known antidote for Venom, who is lethal in any dose.

Damn Venom, you look incredulous, nay, disgusted by my very presence. And I like it. Please hit the fuck out of me with a big fat oversized q-tip.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:10 PM   #9
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Tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds of power and with 20-inch guns at his disposal, Justice does indeed have a very long arm, and he'll pursue any adversary to the ends of the earth to prove it. Ask any of his opponents and they'll tell you that sometimes Justice hurts, and the scales always tip in his favor.

He has a mohawk and black dudes with mohawks are cool. Also, they should have a game where he is blindfolded and is still able to beat the fuck out of the players and random audience members called "Blind Justice" or something like that.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:14 PM   #10
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A storm of smoldering intensity and lightning-quick reflexes, Mayhem unleashes waves of devastation through the ranks of even the most battle-hardened opponents.

A man's groin combines with perky nips and girly hair, pure Mayhem! The gender-neutral description emphasizes the insanity.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:16 PM   #11
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When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge.


 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:25 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ravenguy2000



He has a mohawk and black dudes with mohawks are cool.

it's like



a frohawk



i'm speechless

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:26 PM   #13
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:29 PM   #14
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The trailer is awesome.


 
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:36 PM   #15
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I want Wolf to be the gladiator in every challenge.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 05:13 PM   #16
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You left out



HELLGA

When she stomps into Gladiator Arena, most sensible opponents run for cover rather than risk a Viking funeral. She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla.

Can't you just picture this mammoth crushing kittens in weird fetish videos

Actually I'm 100% positive at least one of these women has posed nude, possibly Mayhem

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:44 PM   #17
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i am going to watch the shit out of this show

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:46 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by topleybird
You left out



HELLGA

When she stomps into Gladiator Arena, most sensible opponents run for cover rather than risk a Viking funeral. She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla.

Can't you just picture this mammoth crushing kittens in weird fetish videos

Actually I'm 100% positive at least one of these women has posed nude, possibly Mayhem
SHIT SHE WAS GOING TO BE MY SECOND FAVORITE ONE

THREAD RUINED

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:49 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ravenguy2000


Don't let the winsome smile fool you... Crush earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission. Despite her girl-next-door looks, she's a powerful, fierce opponent who has no problem handling the women competitors, and then going back to breaking men's hearts.

And by "breaking men's hearts" we mean perpetuating hurtful gender based stereotypes. However, she's named "Crush" because she "smashes" opponents. Tricky!
damn i would love to spend a drunken weekend in a hotel room with her

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:50 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ravenguy2000


A storm of smoldering intensity and lightning-quick reflexes, Mayhem unleashes waves of devastation through the ranks of even the most battle-hardened opponents.

A man's groin combines with perky nips and girly hair, pure Mayhem! The gender-neutral description emphasizes the insanity.
Tracy Morgan is on American Gladiators?

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:54 PM   #21
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yeah i kinda wouldn't mind having my ass kicked by crush actually

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:54 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nimrod's Son
Tracy Morgan is on American Gladiators?


and shitloads of coke, apparently


(hi jczeroman)

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:59 PM   #23
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This dude is The Rock's cousin.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 07:00 PM   #24
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crush <3 !!

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 07:03 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ravenguy2000
Dude looks like Dave Navarro on steroids

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 07:04 PM   #26
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Wait, this is a chick?

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 07:06 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AndySlash
Wait, this is a chick?
No, Tracy is a man's name too

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 07:39 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by ravenguy2000


She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in shock and awe. Immensely strong and cool under pressure, Stealth executes her favorite move -- a quick counter-attack that you never see coming.

Her stealthiest feature is that penis she has tucked between her legs.
Awesome,

Jada Pinkett Smith finally has a job.

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 07:45 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by topleybird
She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla.
*gasp*

 
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Old 12-14-2007, 08:10 PM   #30
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Talking




 
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