Only a very special film could reap hilarity from hitting a baby with a sword.

[sickbadthing]

LOL. Best line from a movie review ever.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=297438

[wpc33]

There's seven reviews on that page. You suck

[sickbadthing]

Lazy jerk.

September Dawn

dir. Christopher Cain

The most blatant piece of anti-Mormon propaganda since Napoleon Dynamite (gotcha!), September Dawn is a soap-operatized account of the Mountain Meadows Massacre, a horrific 1857 event in which one early Mormon settlement trickily murdered an entire wagon train for no reason. In a meaningless coincidence referred to as "ironic" by many dumbasses, the massacre occurred on September 11. The movie contends that Brigham Young himself (Terence Stamp, sporting a beard of pleasant ringlets) ordered the killings. Modern-day Mormons take the opposite position. Mitt Romney is deeply annoyed.

But don't worry, Mittzles! The aggressive absurdity of September Dawn discredits the shit out of all your mean Latter Day haters. First of all, it's narrated by a BABY (a literal infant!) who, admittedly, doesn't remember much: "But I remember feelings!" Um, 'kay. Worst writing ever. Then there's Jon Voight, as a crazy person, who—when he's not busy bloviatin'—rides around in his Mormon buggy (OF DEATH) and cries about dead old Joseph Smith.

Next we have Smith, played (in flashbacks) by that raven-haired cherub of the Sci Fi Channel, Dean "This is a joke, right?" Cain (son of director Christopher Cain).

Speaking of Napoleon Dynamite, September Dawn also stars, weirdly, UNCLE FUCKING RICO, whom I love but cannot take seriously. And I've never laughed harder than during the final massacre montage, when Jon Voight's huge red face, shiny with righteous rage, is superimposed over an endlessly repeating loop of babies being stabbed in the head. There's also a really stupid love story, a horse-whisperin' Morm ("I think that boy does speak horse!"), and the most clichéd death scene in the history of death.

Aaaanyway, long story embarrassing, these filmmakers earnestly believe that their movie makes a statement about modern-day religious extremism. Whatever. Only a very special film could reap hilarity from hitting a baby with a sword. September Dawn wins. You lose. LINDY WEST

[???]

this rocks. sbt, if you've got 2:47 to spare, dig this

the magic happens around 2:20

[Mo]

One of the worst King movies.

[strange_one]

it is a bad one but at least sits above that sequel shit. I'll admit that when I was a kidlet that dude that comes by the dad's bed as a ghost and first leads him to the cemetery scared the fuck out of me.

[strange_one]

[Nimrod's Son]

The Nanny Diaries

dir. Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini

Like the ridiculously successful The Devil Wears Prada, the chick flick The Nanny Diaries assumes, first, that you want to see how the upper sliver of society lives, and second, that you hunger to see its corrupt morals torn to shreds. What looks like explosive class hatred turns, inevitably, into a pathetic defense of bourgeois values. Big surprise, I know. But The Nanny Diaries is from the filmmakers of the craggy American Splendor; it stars Scarlett Johansson and Laura Linney. I had hoped for something interesting.

Johansson plays the luscious Annie Braddock, a recent college grad from New Jersey who's trying to avoid landing a job in finance. She'd prefer to work as an anthropologist, and in a cutesy but harmless effect, the people she encounters on the streets of Manhattan are zapped into natural-history dioramas. One day, while walking in Central Park, she saves a little boy from imminent death and is rewarded with a job as a live-in nanny for a rich, heartless bitch named Mrs. X (Laura Linney).

Life in the X household is awful! The kid is the worst, Annie isn't allowed to date the hot Harvard grad from upstairs, and her mounting lifestyle lust is making it difficult for her to relate to her token black best friend (Alicia Keys). Soon enough, however, Annie falls in love with the adorable kid and begins to sympathize with Mrs. X, who is being cuckqweaned (the antiquated female equivalent of being cuckolded—I'm trying to bring it back) at every turn. Complicated feelings ensue, but nothing, in the end, can erase the fact that the rich are criminally negligent, kids suffer under the care of temporary nannies, and if you don't spend at least half the day coddling your child and teaching him French, you're a bad mother. ANNIE WAGNER

jeez why is scarlett johannson doing such awful movies like this remake of a brittany murphy snoozefest?

[topleybird]

Originally Posted by sickbadthing

That the killings ordered Brigham Young?

[aurel]

Originally Posted by topleybird

That the killings ordered Brigham Young?

Superb.