Would this insult you?

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:33 PM

Ok, so, you've been dating someone for a YEAR. You live TOGETHER. Things are GREAT. Your parents just came into town and spent 3 days hanging out with the two of you and fell in love with the significant other too, and he/she with them.

Then his sister comes out to your town(staying at boyfriend's apartment where he does not live anymore, really) and YOU pay HER bus fair because significant other forgot to deposit money(which you do for him 2 days later). She is there for 3 days, of which no time is spent with her by either of you, because she is just clearing her head from a big family fight and wants to be left alone, despite our invitations.

And then on the night before she leaves, you are invited to dinner, but told that the sister does not know you are the boyfriend and you have to pretend to just be a "friend" while at dinner, and that he has never spoken of you to any of his family, at all, even though they well know he is GAY.

Am I unreasonable for refusing to go to dinner and sit there wondering if I am lying convincingly? I mean, did he expect me to concoct some backstory about how we met and why he has been staying with me and not at his place with his sister over the last 3 days? WTF. Am I the crazy one here?!

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:34 PM

DELTE ONE OF THESE.

FUCK YOU DOBULE POST.

smashingjj · 08-21-2005, 08:37 PM

this would.

alisonmonster · 08-21-2005, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by peabody

And then on the night before she leaves, you are invited to dinner, but told that the sister does not know you are the boyfriend and you have to pretend to just be a "friend" while at dinner, and that he has never spoken of you to any of his family, at all, even though they well know he is GAY.

okay, thats wrong. you do not have to go do that and you guys need to talk about this pronto. Your b/f has some sort of problem.

pastor · 08-21-2005, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by alisonmonster

okay, thats wrong. you do not have to go do that and you guys need to talk about this pronto. Your b/f has some sort of problem.

Ihaman · 08-21-2005, 08:40 PM

I don't know who's being insulted by what.

Should he be insulted by you refusing to go to dinner?

Or should you be insulted by him not telling his family he's gay?

pastor · 08-21-2005, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ihaman
I don't know who's being insulted by what.

Should he be insulted by you refusing to go to dinner?

Or should you be insulted by him not telling his family he's gay?

I think he means the second one. Alex is much too strong a woman of color to be so preoccupied with not offending his boyfriend that he'd sacrifice his self-respect.

GlasgowKiss · 08-21-2005, 08:43 PM

Personally id respect his wishes but im not a big gay drama queen so disregard my opinion.

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:44 PM

I respect it, but he has said he is close with his family and talks about this stuff all the time.

And the fact he wants me to PRETEND in FRONT of HER...why not just leave me out of it?

I'd be fine with it if he were closeted...but he's not.

pastor · 08-21-2005, 08:45 PM

Actually, Alex, I changed my mind. The lie makes your relationship so much more exciting.

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:46 PM

I guess it's just that he is hiding the fact that he's in a co-habitational, important, year-long relationship. It's beyond me. It annoys me. It makes me feel bad. I'm only his boyfriend when certain people are looking?

It's not specifically insulting, it's just the principles of the matter.

alisonmonster · 08-21-2005, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by peabody
I respect it, but he has said he is close with his family and talks about this stuff all the time.

And the fact he wants me to PRETEND in FRONT of HER...why not just leave me out of it?

I'd be fine with it if he were closeted...but he's not.

unfortuntaly, i hate to say it, but that must mean he doesn't have a problem with his sexuality but a problem with you. Obviously its him with some sort of issue, haven't you asked him about it, why you have to pretend?

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by alisonmonster

unfortuntaly, i hate to say it, but that must mean he doesn't have a problem with his sexuality but a problem with you. Obviously its him with some sort of issue, haven't you asked him about it, why you have to pretend?

I guess so?

But. I've met tons of his friends and they know me as his boyfriend and it has gotten to the point where it's like "Mike and Aly." One of those couples, where people connected to them are always associating the two.

Maybe it is some weird family issue. I don't get it.

pastor · 08-21-2005, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by alisonmonster

unfortuntaly, i hate to say it, but that must mean he doesn't have a problem with his sexuality but a problem with you. Obviously its him with some sort of issue, haven't you asked him about it, why you have to pretend?

That's a highly presumptuous conclusion to make, and one that only feeds the self-doubt that Alex is probably feeling right now.

If anything, it just means the boyfriend is not as comfortable with his sexuality -- or with displaying it in front of his family -- as it would seem. Y'know, he's OK with it in theory but not as a concrete, visible, non-compartmentalized thing in his life.

GlasgowKiss · 08-21-2005, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by peabody
I respect it, but he has said he is close with his family and talks about this stuff all the time.

And the fact he wants me to PRETEND in FRONT of HER...why not just leave me out of it?

I'd be fine with it if he were closeted...but he's not.

Maybe he doesnt want to confront her with his gay lover since she is recovering from a big family fight? It might seem as if he were making the situation about him?

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pastor

That's a highly presumptuous conclusion to make, and one that only feeds the self-doubt that Alex is probably feeling right now.

If anything, it just means the boyfriend is not as comfortable with his sexuality -- or with displaying it in front of his family -- as it would seem. Y'know, he's OK with it in theory but not as a concrete, visible, non-compartmentalized thing in his life.

That's the thing that is beyond me. He is 23, on his own, making good money, living completely independent of his family who lives 400 miles away, and yet he is not comfortable with having a boyfriend that they know about?

I guess it is just annoying that I handed my family over for 3 days to him, so comfortably and nicely, always asking if he was okay with it, and then he turns around and just denies my existence to his family.

I guess I just have to shut up and deal with the fact that some people just aren't as comfortable as I am with certain things.

It's just hard to be in a relationship where one person lacks confidence in that relationship.

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by GlasgowKiss

Maybe he doesnt want to confront her with his gay lover since she is recovering from a big family fight? It might seem as if he were making the situation about him?

Why would it be confrontational? He's said time and again that he is out and his family is fine with it. It would be a pleasant meal with talk of his childhood and me gushing about what a wonderful guy he is. Oh, such a hard thing to deal with!

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by peabody

Why would it be confrontational? He's said time and again that he is out and his family is fine with it. It would be a pleasant meal with talk of his childhood and me gushing about what a wonderful guy he is. Oh, such a hard thing to deal with!

And gay lover? What the fuck kind of shit is that? Do you call straight people's significant others/boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/spouses "straight lovers?" No. That is condescending bullshit that focuses my homosexuality on the act of getting a dick shoved in my ass, when in fact I probably have less sex than most people. We have a shared existence and experience, rendering us far from just lovers.

GlasgowKiss · 08-21-2005, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by peabody

Why would it be confrontational? He's said time and again that he is out and his family is fine with it. It would be a pleasant meal with talk of his childhood and me gushing about what a wonderful guy he is. Oh, such a hard thing to deal with!

I would prefer not to bring a new girlfriend out to a meal devised to support my sister.

Really im starting to play devils advocate as i agree with you more and more. But i feel there is a case to be argued.

peabody · 08-21-2005, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by GlasgowKiss

I would prefer not to bring a new girlfriend out to a meal devised to support my sister.

Really im starting to play devils advocate as i agree with you more and more. But i feel there is a case to be argued.

He has been trying to invite her to movies and meals all weekend, but she only wanted to do anything tonight. Never was there mention of my part as the "friend" not "boyfriend" until this meal became a concrete plan.

GlasgowKiss · 08-21-2005, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by peabody

And gay lover? What the fuck kind of shit is that? Do you call straight people's significant others/boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/spouses "straight lovers?" No. That is condescending bullshit that focuses my homosexuality on the act of getting a dick shoved in my ass, when in fact I probably have less sex than most people. We have a shared existence and experience, rendering us far from just lovers.

I wish i had a gay lover it sounds so romantic.

neopryn · 08-21-2005, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by peabody
DELTE ONE OF THESE.

FUCK YOU DOBULE POST.

why don't you do it yourself, lazy bastard

GlasgowKiss · 08-21-2005, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by neopryn
why don't you do it yourself, lazy bastard

This guy, ill have him as my gay lover.

alisonmonster · 08-21-2005, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pastor

If anything, it just means the boyfriend is not as comfortable with his sexuality -- or with displaying it in front of his family -- as it would seem. Y'know, he's OK with it in theory but not as a concrete, visible, non-compartmentalized thing in his life.

okay, i could understand that. I can understand him at first introducing peabody as 'my good friend' at first. But they live together as a couple! If peabody is that important in his life, enough to live with and be in a long term thing with, the mature, loving thing to do is to own up to it with his family. I would say okay normally but after a year?

im sorry this is happening to you peabody and i personally would refuse to sit there and lie.You guys should really talk about it- i would say-

"I love you, and you say you love me, but why can't you introduce us to your family since we're together? I want to show the world that we're together but do you have problems with your family you'd like to tell me about- because this is really hurting me and making me think you feel embarressed by me"

peabody · 08-21-2005, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by neopryn
why don't you do it yourself, lazy bastard

I tried and it just took me back to the thread...

I thought you had to be a moderator to delete a thread! I checked the box and everything.

pastor · 08-21-2005, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by alisonmonster

"I love you, and you say you love me, but why can't you introduce us to your family since we're together? I want to show the world that we're together but do you have problems with your family you'd like to tell me about- because this is really hurting me and making me think you feel embarressed by me"

You forgot to write *snivel* after every other clause there.

peabody · 08-21-2005, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by alisonmonster

okay, i could understand that. I can understand him at first introducing peabody as 'my good friend' at first. But they live together as a couple! If peabody is that important in his life, enough to live with and be in a long term thing with, the mature, loving thing to do is to own up to it with his family. I would say okay normally but after a year?

im sorry this is happening to you peabody and i personally would refuse to sit there and lie.You guys should really talk about it- i would say-

"I love you, and you say you love me, but why can't you introduce us to your family since we're together? I want to show the world that we're together but do you have problems with your family you'd like to tell me about- because this is really hurting me and making me think you feel embarressed by me"

Hah. Thanks.

I don't want to show the world that we're together. I'm not one of those people. I just, uhm, don't want to sit at a table and deny an entire year and cannot fathom why he would even consider doing it.

I mean, I've had this happen before in situations where I've dated someone for a few weeks and I let it slide, although it does annoy me to some extent. But, a year, a shared home, and even a joint checking account, to me, make the denial so much more insulting and sad.

alisonmonster · 08-21-2005, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pastor

You forgot to write *snivel* after every other clause there.

if it were me, i'd be crying my eyes out! :P *bawl*

peabody · 08-21-2005, 09:06 PM

And if he's not comfortable with it, I wish he would just tell me! He's trying to deny it and play it off as something different and then making me feel bad for not wanting to play along and then idly threatening me about not coming home tonight. It's just so stupid.

"I'm not comfortable with her meeting my boyfriend."
"Ok. I'm not comfortable not being your boyfriend at dinner with her. I'll have to sit this one out."
"Ok."
"See ya after dinner!"
"Bye!"

SO EASY.

alisonmonster · 08-21-2005, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by peabody

"I'm not comfortable with her meeting my boyfriend."
"Ok. I'm not comfortable not being your boyfriend at dinner with her. I'll have to sit this one out."
"Ok."
"See ya after dinner!"
"Bye!"

SO EASY.

you guys need to talk.even if you have the biggest fight ever, you need to discuss shit or things in the future could get even worse cause this type of thing wont go away on its own you know?

(im not really much of a therapist, its just that ive been through stuff too and i know how much relationship stuff can suck)

08-21-2005, 08:33 PM	#1
peabody Minion of Satan Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 5,459	Would this insult you? Ok, so, you've been dating someone for a YEAR. You live TOGETHER. Things are GREAT. Your parents just came into town and spent 3 days hanging out with the two of you and fell in love with the significant other too, and he/she with them. Then his sister comes out to your town(staying at boyfriend's apartment where he does not live anymore, really) and YOU pay HER bus fair because significant other forgot to deposit money(which you do for him 2 days later). She is there for 3 days, of which no time is spent with her by either of you, because she is just clearing her head from a big family fight and wants to be left alone, despite our invitations. And then on the night before she leaves, you are invited to dinner, but told that the sister does not know you are the boyfriend and you have to pretend to just be a "friend" while at dinner, and that he has never spoken of you to any of his family, at all, even though they well know he is GAY. Am I unreasonable for refusing to go to dinner and sit there wondering if I am lying convincingly? I mean, did he expect me to concoct some backstory about how we met and why he has been staying with me and not at his place with his sister over the last 3 days? WTF. Am I the crazy one here?!

08-21-2005, 08:34 PM	#2
peabody Minion of Satan Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 5,459	DELTE ONE OF THESE. FUCK YOU DOBULE POST.

08-21-2005, 08:37 PM	#3
smashingjj that person Location: LOL Party Centre Posts: 35,608	this would.

08-21-2005, 08:40 PM	#6
Ihaman Sometimes, though. Location: Hazard, California Posts: 21,274	I don't know who's being insulted by what. Should he be insulted by you refusing to go to dinner? Or should you be insulted by him not telling his family he's gay?

08-21-2005, 08:43 PM	#8
GlasgowKiss Quaid Hates You Location: Hollywood Posts: 14,160	Personally id respect his wishes but im not a big gay drama queen so disregard my opinion.

08-21-2005, 08:44 PM	#9
peabody Minion of Satan Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 5,459	I respect it, but he has said he is close with his family and talks about this stuff all the time. And the fact he wants me to PRETEND in FRONT of HER...why not just leave me out of it? I'd be fine with it if he were closeted...but he's not.

08-21-2005, 08:45 PM	#10
pastor Apocalyptic Poster Location: somewhere Posts: 2,276	Actually, Alex, I changed my mind. The lie makes your relationship so much more exciting.

08-21-2005, 08:46 PM	#11
peabody Minion of Satan Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 5,459	I guess it's just that he is hiding the fact that he's in a co-habitational, important, year-long relationship. It's beyond me. It annoys me. It makes me feel bad. I'm only his boyfriend when certain people are looking? It's not specifically insulting, it's just the principles of the matter.

08-21-2005, 09:06 PM	#29
peabody Minion of Satan Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 5,459	And if he's not comfortable with it, I wish he would just tell me! He's trying to deny it and play it off as something different and then making me feel bad for not wanting to play along and then idly threatening me about not coming home tonight. It's just so stupid. "I'm not comfortable with her meeting my boyfriend." "Ok. I'm not comfortable not being your boyfriend at dinner with her. I'll have to sit this one out." "Ok." "See ya after dinner!" "Bye!" SO EASY.