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Old 12-13-2018, 05:30 PM   #3541
ilikeplanets
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I remember telling you that the mind games of the early 20s will eventually evaporate, lol. So even if you're still single, navigating the waters will be a lot more straightforward. You'll know who you are and are not compatible with, what you're looking for and when, and if it won't work then gtfo cuz nobody wants to waste their life. And if it might work, most people in my age group are less coy because of life forcing a wider perspective on us.

 
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Old 12-13-2018, 05:34 PM   #3542
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I'm not trying to be patronizing in any way, I'm just a person with basically no tolerance for bullshit who has had little problem being direct with my intentions (which as a woman has its own stigma, sadly) and I've had to wait a long time for my peers to catch up to me in that regard. High school and college style relationships were misery.

 
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Old 12-13-2018, 05:58 PM   #3543
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
Wait, why is the philosophy of science part funny?
the "mutual interest" made me laugh.
i guess you had to be there.

 
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Old 12-13-2018, 05:58 PM   #3544
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also lolling at the suggested replies:
- thanks!
- that's great!
-

 
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Old 12-13-2018, 06:39 PM   #3545
Disco King
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I remember telling you that the mind games of the early 20s will eventually evaporate, lol. So even if you're still single, navigating the waters will be a lot more straightforward. You'll know who you are and are not compatible with, what you're looking for and when, and if it won't work then gtfo cuz nobody wants to waste their life. And if it might work, most people in my age group are less coy because of life forcing a wider perspective on us.
I guess my fear about the "dating will be easier when you're 30" thing is that there is this stereotype, probably an exaggeration, of women in their teen and early-adult years going for the fun, dangerous, "bad" boys, having their fun, and then settling down with boring "nice" types that they aren't as physically attracted to later in life for a stable long-term relationship and marriage. Like, that's fine and all, but it means those boring "nice-" type guys get to miss out on young dating and young love and all the experience of that. We just get the responsibility part.

I'm already halfway through my 20s with no relationship experience, no casual experience, no hookups, nothing. What if that stuff doesn't happen within the next three years?

Some older guys talk about now getting with younger woman is much easier later in life, when they have more economic stability and status and other attributes that are said to attract women, but I really don't want to be that 40-year-old dude hitting up 20-year-olds at the club when I'm older. Like, I don't judge relationships like that, because both parties are adults and I don't think the women are mindless little pawns being taken advantage of, but I just don't want to be "that guy." I want to get that stuff out of the way while I'm young instead of desperately trying to make up for lost youth as a creepy old guy, but I just feel like I'm not the "type" considered attractive or cool enough for those things.

 
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Old 12-13-2018, 07:43 PM   #3546
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Yeah, as much as I whine about my dating life, there are people who have had less luck than I have who whine far less than I do.

You have discussed it only very occasionally, but I want you to know that you can feel free to open up about it more if you want to and are comfortable doing so. I probably can't offer much advice, not being in your position, but I can offer a listening ear (or reading eye).

Even though we've got some similarities in our issues, there are also stark differences. I imagine that trauma is much harder to deal with than anxiety, because while both are probably overeager and overzealous misfirings of a fight-or-flight (-or-freeze) response, trauma is based on an actual historical threat to life and safety, and has a lot more "rational" evidence justifying it in the memory of the person who has it. It's maladaptive, but in a sense, it's "rational" because terrible things have actually happened to you when you've trusted people in the past.

I can't really just give that normie Nike "just do it!" advice because of how unhelpful that is, but what I can say is that the progress I have made has been the result of a concerted and contrived effort, and didn't happen naturally. Because I never "naturally" fell into dating and forming interpersonal relationships the way most other people seemed to do in their developmental years, I've had to make this a project of mine in order to make the progress that I have. Something prevented us from "organically" doing these things that virtually all other people seem to be capable of doing, so we have got to put more effort in than the average person does if we want results. I really hope that you will soon be in a position where you'll be empowered to make that effort, but perhaps you will need more healing before you get there.
I don't think you're whining, and your issues are just as valid/serious as mine. I talk about this topic an extensive amount with my therapist. It's not just romantic relationships, it's everything.

I'm sorry for making this about me, btw. I really admire how you try and in some ways succeed with relationships.

 
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Old 12-13-2018, 07:53 PM   #3547
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Oh, don't worry about "making it about you" at all. I'm sure the forum consensus is that I take up much too much time whining about my shit, anyway. Feel free to take the platform for yourself sometimes!

 
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Old 12-13-2018, 08:59 PM   #3548
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I guess my fear about the "dating will be easier when you're 30" thing is that there is this stereotype, probably an exaggeration, of women in their teen and early-adult years going for the fun, dangerous, "bad" boys, having their fun, and then settling down with boring "nice" types that they aren't as physically attracted to later in life for a stable long-term relationship and marriage. Like, that's fine and all, but it means those boring "nice-" type guys get to miss out on young dating and young love and all the experience of that. We just get the responsibility part.
The way I see it is that women who have already made some dating mistakes know what they ACTUALLY want, and a "nice" type isn't boring (or necessarily responsible). Women past that stage of playing innocent are able to open up about real emotions and sex, and know how to handle both positive and negative outcomes. So everything about a relationship that isn't "young love" is actually more fulfilling, both sexually and emotionally, if it's a good match. And there are plenty of women (hello) who are past the young adult years who are still only looking for fun, but aren't going to give anyone the run around or freak out about it. And the ones that do want more stable relationships probably have better communication skills, and don't intend to "settle" because they're already independent (in some ways) and okay with being single if there's no actual attraction. Otherwise that's a big red flag! So while I understand why you'd think that about people in their 30s, there's actually a lot more potential for something authentic AND ~sexy~

 
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Old 12-13-2018, 10:49 PM   #3549
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Old 12-14-2018, 01:04 AM   #3550
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Thought I'd try a nightclub. The only club-like thing I'm into is that goth thing, but there isn't another one for another month. So, I went someplace random.

This is not my scene. I see at least one person wearing a tail.

I've already paid my ten dollars, and o fear I won't be getting that back.

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 01:05 AM   #3551
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How drunk do I have to get to enjoy this

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 01:07 AM   #3552
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Could be worse. It's just that electronics ravey stuff, which is more tolerable than being at a typical club with the top mainstream pop and hip-hop stuff. Most people here look like weirdos instead of chads, and I think I can at least communicate with weirdos.

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 01:13 AM   #3553
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Two people have already fist-bumped me.

Even if it's not my scene, at least the crowd is friendly instead of standoffish

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 01:22 AM   #3554
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Not gonna lie, I only came out tonight to try my luck at that whole "one-night stand" thing.

But now that I'm here, I'm afraid that I'll be harshing people's vibe if I try anything. Maybe I should just try to have fun.

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 02:44 AM   #3555
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Okay, I introduced myself to some humans, but I don't know if hanging around them is needy, or if I should continue to do so to build rapport.

Maybe I'll go around the club and talk to more people, and then return to them.

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 02:50 AM   #3556
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lol

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 02:51 AM   #3557
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Okay, so the kind of electronic music being played is "drum and bass." Not something that I'd listen to on purpose, but it's not annoying me or anything.

Things are actually not too bad when I just try to enjoy myself and lose any pretensions of being "above" unfamiliar scenes. I'm mingling pretty well so far. Will call this a success even though it most likely won't result in a one-night stand with anyone.

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 02:59 AM   #3558
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you are a brave soul

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:07 AM   #3559
Disco King
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These girls are humping the speakers.

Should I say, "hey girls, I've got more speed settings than that thing."

Or is that creepy?

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:11 AM   #3560
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wish i could give you some advice but i tend to prefer forests and cemeteries to clubs

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:11 AM   #3561
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:13 AM   #3562
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got so drunk i fell asleep at 20:00. woke up at 01:30, hungover and parched. can't go back to sleep. and i stink like an ashtray.

seriously considering quitting drinking for good. i mean i waited for two weeks to do this and it sucks.

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:14 AM   #3563
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it wasn't until I went to a goth/new wave club that I understood why clubs are fun

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:16 AM   #3564
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It's hard to make eye contact and initiate dancing with girls when they are all grooving with their eyes closed

I want to at least acknowledge each other before going ahead with taking their hands or something. I don't want to be that creepy guy.

DAMN GURL OPEN UR EYES

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:19 AM   #3565
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I don't want to be that creepy guy.
you're doing great

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:23 AM   #3566
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yeah dk you're doing fine. like elph said, you are brave. and young. so be free!

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:23 AM   #3567
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take it from us

two trusted authorities

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:23 AM   #3568
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I made the speakers joke, but I don't think they heard me.

Should I make it again?

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:23 AM   #3569
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i'm going to choke on my last cig and go back to lying in bed sleeplessly.

 
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Old 12-14-2018, 03:26 AM   #3570
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you should leave and listen to METAL

 
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