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Old 03-19-2019, 02:07 PM   #4081
Elphenor
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like DK what happens when you get into a relationship and realize it doesn't fix you

you still get to be anxious and uncomfortable and then one day they get bored and find someone else because for them it's not very hard

 
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Old 03-19-2019, 02:21 PM   #4082
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rinse and repeat until you figure out how to fix yourself knowing that you'll never be truly "fixed"--whatever that means.

 
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Old 03-19-2019, 02:42 PM   #4083
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you'll never be truly "fixed"--whatever that means.
yeah I was gonna say

I mean I ain't punk either...but I def have tortured myself trying to fit into a square peg

 
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Old 03-19-2019, 02:45 PM   #4084
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do you by any chance mean this in a sexual way?

 
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Old 03-19-2019, 04:13 PM   #4085
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like DK what happens when you get into a relationship and realize it doesn't fix you

you still get to be anxious and uncomfortable and then one day they get bored and find someone else because for them it's not very hard
That's the thing, I don't think that a relationship will "fix" me.

That seems to be the common response to people who have concerns about not being able to attain romance. "It's not a big deal." "It's not that important." "It won't fix your problems."

But you'll notice that this sort of advice is only really given for this problem. If somebody has anxieties about having no platonic friendships, nobody ever says, "it's not a big deal, it won't fix you anyway." Same with people having financial anxieties. "Money's not a big deal, it won't fix your problems" is rarely heard. Or people who have concerns about attaining any other sort of goal. If you voiced concerns about wanting to get into grad school, for example, I doubt people would respond with "lol, attaining those scholarly goals won't fix all your problems; if you're depressed, you'll still be depressed."

Obviously, a depressed person would still be depressed even if they made friends, became more financially stable, or got into the school they wanted. People understand that these single goals wouldn't "fix" all their problems, but that the person still places value on them, their value system is valid, and it would be a good thing if they achieved these goals.

But when it comes to dating, relationships, and romance, people's knee-jerk reaction, particularly the people who haven't faced problems in this area as harshly, is to dismiss the concerns of the person expressing anxieties in this area.

It's especially ironic, because the same people who say this element of life "isn't a big deal" tend to value their partners or romantic life. Most of them wouldn't say, "you know, if my partner died or left me tomorrow, I wouldn't care, it's not a big deal." Most acknowledge that romance, dating, etc. brings value to their lives, and yet they deny that it would bring value to the life of somebody who doesn't have it.

Sometimes people who have simply been single for a while, but have a history of a normal dating life and an ability to sustain relationships, have partners, or have casual encounters, will equate their experience to somebody who has found themselves quite incapable of these things their entire lives. "Hey, I know you're unsatisfied with being single. I'm in the same boat. I've been single for a year. Trust me, it's not a big deal. I don't care about it, so you shouldn't, either." No, that's not the same boat. Those are two different boats. It's normal to be single. It's not normal to be incapable of experiencing any romance despite effort to correct this. Having negative feelings about this (so long as they don't place blame on those who reject you) is reasonable.

I understand that people are trying to make others feel better by minimizing the significance of the problem. If it's not a big deal, that's a good thing, right? Because then you don't have to be sad? People who offer this sort of advice have their hearts in the correct places, and are trying to make the other person feel better. I understand that, which is why I hold no ill will towards those who offer this kind of advice, and won't go on a Trots-style freakout on them.

But it'd be nice for them to understand that if their aim is to help the other person, this method does a poor job of it, despite their intentions. It offers no help at all, and is more likely to make the person feel dismissed.

Even therapists, people who are literally paid money to help people come up with solutions to their problems, tend to offer this kind of banal advice. Most therapists I have seen have been dismissive of this problem, to the point where I don't even want to bring it up, because it's embarrassing and I feel like it's not taken seriously. My psychiatrist is the first person to actually be understanding and not dismissive. And even though he's not dismissive, he has no idea what solutions to offer, and actually told me one of the last times I saw him "I wish I knew how to solve your problems." He has no clue what I'm doing wrong, or what to change.

 
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Old 03-19-2019, 04:22 PM   #4086
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I will say that dismissive responses are at least better than responses that treat the person as bad for even having these concerns, as if it is somehow ethically wrong to be sad about being in this situation. In some circles, it's in vogue to labеl anybody who expresses sadness about this situation or wonders why they are in it as "entitled" or "creeps" under the guise of progressivism, even if the particular person in question hasn't expressed entitltement or blamed others for not being attracted to them.

 
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Old 03-19-2019, 04:39 PM   #4087
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catherine wheel

Last edited by Elphenor : 03-20-2019 at 03:51 AM.

 
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Old 03-19-2019, 04:47 PM   #4088
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cocaine posts

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Old 03-19-2019, 04:57 PM   #4089
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my brain is jelly

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Old 03-20-2019, 02:58 AM   #4090
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
But it'd be nice for them to understand that if their aim is to help the other person, this method does a poor job of it, despite their intentions. It offers no help at all, and is more likely to make the person feel dismissed.
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.

 
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Old 03-20-2019, 03:24 AM   #4091
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Originally Posted by buzzard View Post
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.
that is not backerds at all. we could all benefit to stop and think that maybe a person's perceived shitty behavior has nothing to do with us...especially when it comes to small stuff like that and we're not willing to tell the person how it makes us feel as if they're to know.

Re: Disco King
Who tells you stuff like,"Hey, I know you're unsatisfied with being single. I'm in the same boat. I've been single for a year. Trust me, it's not a big deal. I don't care about it, so you shouldn't, either."? Internet people? Don't believe anything they say, if that's the case. If it's your rl friends, you should tell them what you're typing us. And what shitty therapist do you people go to?

Last edited by yo soy el mejor : 03-20-2019 at 03:35 AM.

 
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Old 03-23-2019, 08:03 PM   #4092
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omg I found my ex's Facebook by accident scouting out who's going to industrial night

now I know every place she will be on the weekends

terrible

 
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Old 03-23-2019, 08:03 PM   #4093
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I use a "fake" account just to see events

 
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Old 03-23-2019, 08:07 PM   #4094
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her cover photo is literally Peter Murphy

wtf!!

I took you to see him! I'm the best!

 
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Old 03-23-2019, 08:11 PM   #4095
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Originally Posted by buzzard View Post
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.
This is very good advice.

 
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Old 03-23-2019, 08:12 PM   #4096
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I took you to see him! I'm the best!
You what her to see him?

 
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Old 03-24-2019, 10:04 AM   #4097
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I went to an Industrial music event on E

had some friends with me already

I ended up catching the DJ out back smoking and we talked it up about post punk his knowledge was incredible

then through him I met every goddamn goth/punk/alt in my city it felt like shaking more hands in about an hour than I have my entire life combined

this included lots of women and at 1 point I was mingling with 2 very attractive goth girls

 
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Old 03-24-2019, 10:07 AM   #4098
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it was surreal being surrounded by the fucking batcave outside chain smoking

I think I smoked an entire pack

 
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Old 03-24-2019, 10:43 AM   #4099
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Old 03-24-2019, 02:16 PM   #4100
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Saw Deafheaven last night. I didn't even know they were coming until the day before when a friend mentioned seeing them in passing. I bought a ticket five minutes later. Good show.

At the show, I started talking to a group of girls. I was actually only intending to talk to them as "warm up" for approaching more people, but I found myself actually interested in one girl in the group who was into neuroscience.

When talking to a group of girls, I usually take all their numbers so that the others don't feel alienated, but only ask the one I'm into on a date. I've been rethinking this strategy, because it seems that it probably just gives the impression that I'm just trying to go after all of them and am not very selective. So this time, I only asked for the number of the one girl so we could talk more about neuroscience later (and she seems really excited about this), but another girl in the group was like "I want to talk more about neuroscience, too!", so I took her number, too. And she handed the phone to the third girl, so I got her number as well. I mostly paid attention to the one I was actually into, though.

After the concert, I ask them if they want to go to that pub with the '80s/gothic dance night with me, but only the girl I'm interested in comes. Up until this point, we were lightly flirting, me periodically putting my arm around her waist, her playfully pushing me in the mosh pit. During the car ride there, have my arm around her and play with her hair a bit. She seems comfortable with this, but I'm too shy and uncertain of how to escalate to something beyond that (would attempting a kiss be too abrupt? How do I build up to that?).

She buys me a drink at the dance thing. We're dancing a bit, but she seems to be more standoffish and less receptive to me dancing closer with her, especially when she runs into this friend of hers. I can't tell their relation, because his presence seems to make her less receptive to me than she was before he arrived, but they aren't dancing in a way that suggests them being more than friends. At any rate, I get the hint that she isn't into me anymore, and kind of just leave her be. I decide, "maybe I'll try to chat up other girls," but I don't really know how to approach at dance things, and the person I try to talk to for a bit doesn't seem interested. Oh well.

So, I guess I picked up a girl from a concert, bounced her to another venue, and then lost her interest there. I have no idea what changed. For a while there, I thought I was actually going to be successful.

At the afterparty, I was kind of playing and flirting with the door girl from the pub that we got to come with us, but she's one of those girls who is so naturally flirty and sexual with everyone that you don't even know if the fact that she lets you play with her bust and sticks her finger in your mouth for no reason means that she's actually interested in you. Again, I had no idea if it would be appropriate to try to escalate to a kiss or making out, or how I'd even go about doing that if it were. I ask her for drinks next week, and she sounds excited, but I didn't specify "date," and now I'm like, shit, she probably thinks I mean just "hanging out."

 
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Old 03-24-2019, 02:49 PM   #4101
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When talking to a group of girls, I usually take all their numbers...

 
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Old Yesterday, 10:15 AM   #4102
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don't confuse industrial night with service industry night again

 
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Old Yesterday, 03:05 PM   #4103
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you have that neuroscience girl's number, i would just try and call her for a date?

 
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Old Today, 03:34 PM   #4104
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you have that neuroscience girl's number, i would just try and call her for a date?
Eh, I dunno. Considering that she didn't seem very receptive when we went dancing, I feel like asking her out would just be like, "ugh, that guy isn't getting the hint." I don't want to come across as a creep. Like, when we were dancing, when I tried to bring her in closer the first time, she kind of resisted, gesturing toward her beer, like "maybe when I'm finished my drink so that I don't spill it." It seemed a bit more like a "not now" than a "no." Later on after she finished her drink, I tried again, and again, kind of resistant body language. After one more time, I get the hint that these aren't "not nows," thes are "nos [noes? no's?]". During the dance, I did ask her if she wanted to grab a drink later in the week, and she said yeah, but I don't know if she was just being polite.

She was receptive up until the dance, but then things turned kinda awkward, so I think I'll just leave her be. Instead, I asked out her other friend from the concert (the one who was like "I want to talk about neuroscience, too!" when I asked for the first girl's number), and she sounds enthusiastic, and we're supposed to grab a drink tomorrow night. I wasn't as attracted to her as I was the first girl, but she seemed cool and seemed to like me, as well, so may as well give it a chance. I usually wouldn't just go through a group of friends one-by-one to see which one is interested, because, you know, friends talk, and it might make me look creepy and desperate, like I'm trying to "get them all" or whatever. But these girls themselves actually just met at the concert, and didn't know each other beforehand, so they probably aren't, like, discussing me or anything.

At the concert, I told the girls that we could all hang out and go to concerts together, and they were enthusiastic about that. So, I think after this date with this girl, I'll call up the first girl, but make it clear that I'm just pitching a group hangout thing as friends with all three girls present. It might put less pressure on her and allow us to be friends if it's clear to her that I'm not pursuing dates with her anymore or anything. She's still really cool and smart, and I'd love to still have her as a friend. But if she doesn't know I'm not "trying to get something more" than that, she'll probably be too uncomfortable and skeptical to hang out with me.

 
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Old Today, 04:18 PM   #4105
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I guess one little problem I've been having is that when dating stuff doesn't work out with a person, I tend to still try to keep them around as a friend because I find them cool and interesting and value them, even if we're not dating or anything. Like, unless you've actaully fallen in love with somebody, I don't think a platonic friendship is unhealthy.

But I've gone through this process with so many girls that I end up not really having the time to hang out with all of them, anyway. At some point, I'm going to have to give up the illusion that it's practical to still try to be friends with all of them.

But I also don't want to just discard them because we aren't dating.

 
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Old Today, 04:25 PM   #4106
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Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.
I think I probably do have too much of that "nice guy" syndrome where I focus so much on being agreeable and minimizing social conflict that I come off as having no personality at all and not being very attractive. I've definitely made strides, and my dates today are less stilted than when I started out, but I've got a ways to go.

 
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