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Old 02-11-2018, 01:45 AM   #1051
FoolofaTook
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Teh B0llz have you started reading Kafka? He's perfect for ppl with anxiety. Check it:

The Vulture

A vulture was hacking at my feet. It had already torn my boots and stockings to shreds, now it was hacking at the feet themselves. Again and again it struck at them, then circled several times restlessly around me, then returned to continue its work. A gentleman passed by, looked on for a while, then asked me why I suffered the vulture. "I'm helpless," I said. "When it came and began to attack me, I of course tried to drive it away, even to strangle it, but these animals are very strong, it was about to spring at my face, but I preferred to sacrifice my feet. Now they are almost torn to bits." "Fancy letting yourself be tortured like this!" said the gentleman. "One shot and that's the end of the vulture." "Really?" I said. "And would you do that?" "With pleasure, said the gentleman, "I've only got to go home and get my gun. Could you wait another half-hour?" "I'm not sure about that," said I, and stood for a moment rigid with pain. Then I said, "Do try it in any case, please." "Very well," said the gentleman, "I'll be as quick as I can." During this conversation the vulture had been calmly listening, letting its eye rove between me and the gentleman. Now I realized that it had understood everything; it took wing, leaned far back to gain impetus, and then, like a javelin thrower, thrust its beak through my mouth, deep into me. Falling back, I was relieved to feel him drowning irretrievably in my blood, which was filling every depth, flooding every shore.

 
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Old 02-11-2018, 02:15 PM   #1052
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Just liveblogging my meltdown. I needed to vent and feel better now. Sorry. Carry on
Sadly, I know those feelings all too well. Probably part of why I rarely travel outside of my comfort zone.

Really sorry you're feeling that way. I hope some of those feelings subside and you can enjoy some of your vacation.

 
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Old 02-11-2018, 04:52 PM   #1053
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FoolofaTook View Post
Teh B0llz have you started reading Kafka? He's perfect for ppl with anxiety. Check it:

The Vulture

A vulture was hacking at my feet. It had already torn my boots and stockings to shreds, now it was hacking at the feet themselves. Again and again it struck at them, then circled several times restlessly around me, then returned to continue its work. A gentleman passed by, looked on for a while, then asked me why I suffered the vulture. "I'm helpless," I said. "When it came and began to attack me, I of course tried to drive it away, even to strangle it, but these animals are very strong, it was about to spring at my face, but I preferred to sacrifice my feet. Now they are almost torn to bits." "Fancy letting yourself be tortured like this!" said the gentleman. "One shot and that's the end of the vulture." "Really?" I said. "And would you do that?" "With pleasure, said the gentleman, "I've only got to go home and get my gun. Could you wait another half-hour?" "I'm not sure about that," said I, and stood for a moment rigid with pain. Then I said, "Do try it in any case, please." "Very well," said the gentleman, "I'll be as quick as I can." During this conversation the vulture had been calmly listening, letting its eye rove between me and the gentleman. Now I realized that it had understood everything; it took wing, leaned far back to gain impetus, and then, like a javelin thrower, thrust its beak through my mouth, deep into me. Falling back, I was relieved to feel him drowning irretrievably in my blood, which was filling every depth, flooding every shore.
woahhhh

 
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:04 PM   #1054
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Yeah. Shit's pithy. Franz was no joke.

 
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Old 02-11-2018, 09:17 PM   #1055
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Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1 View Post
i tried to upload a few choice pics from Thailand but for some reason it failed and i can't be fucked to try again now.

i'm not sure this post belongs here because i'm not doing drugs, not having sex, and am not drunk, but - you guessed it - i am sad. again. i know complaining when you're on vacation is douchey and terrible and bad form, but no matter how much i try i just can't shake off this terrible depression, and in all honesty, i can't say i'm really enjoying this vacation like i hoped.

that's not to say there aren't many beautiful moments of grace; this place is such a popular tourist destination for a reason. there's beautiful beaches and scenery and food and so on. but it's me that's the problem. i'm utterly consumed by anxiety, loneliness and depression. traveling alone can be very hard. it's like anything i experience doesn't matter, because i have nobody i care about with me to share it with; it's like a film with no audience, or music reverberating through an empty hall. a tree falling in the forest, whatever. i have friends, i'm even seeing someone these days, but they're not here and i'm in such a fucked state i don't even know if i'd want them to be. i try to be mindful and have a compassionate outlook, but i'm consumed by anxiety and guilt over being such a fucking whiny bitch even though i'm so lucky and privileged and fortunate to even be able to be here, and yet i'm not able to enjoy it like i 'should' be. it's like the most classic symptom of major depression - not being able to enjoy things that used to make you happy. i'm standing there in the middle of experiences that i waited so long to have, and i know it should make me happy, by my own acquaintance with myself, but i just can't feel a thing. it's like trying to make your toes move, and looking at them remain motionless. it's a deep, deep malfunction within me that i have no way of fixing, no matter how mindful i try to be or how i try to adjust my attitude. one day in bangkok i just stayed locked in my hotel room the entire day because i just couldn't. i tried and came out for breakfast and felt like i would implode and just came right back. and it's like, i try to not judge myself, i try to be compassionate for myself and realize it's not my fault i'm so fucked, but i can never keep it at bay forever and at some point it always comes back and i always judge myself real viciously for being unable to just fucking enjoy the moment for once in my fucking life and stop this drama that i don't want.

why can't i see the pristine beaches and the clear water and the great food and the tranquility? why must i see the people around me as swarming, disgusting meat robots, and smell the gasoline in the air, and take every death stare/stinkeye i get from a jaded Thai person (of which there is a staggering amount here) so personally? why do i not see the mountains and the palm trees, but the powerlines and the black puddles by the roadside? why is it that in a place that everyone seems to be having the time of their life, i find myself thinking 'maybe i should just end it' more times than i have in months? what's the point?
hope things look up for you man. i don't feel very depressed right now but i understand not having anyone to be with and being sad/lonely because of that. i have nobody, have never had anybody, and it's because i am flawed and never learned how to have intimacy with anybody. it fucking sucks and i'm starting to really realize how much of life is completely shut off to me

sorry didn't mean to make it about me. i hope you can enjoy some things even if not everything like you wanted

 
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Old 02-11-2018, 09:44 PM   #1056
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Old 02-12-2018, 12:04 AM   #1057
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlamingGlobes View Post
Sadly, I know those feelings all too well. Probably part of why I rarely travel outside of my comfort zone.

Really sorry you're feeling that way. I hope some of those feelings subside and you can enjoy some of your vacation.
thanks. i'm not really having that much of a miserable time here, i was just having what was probably the worst moment of my trip so far and needed to drain it. bouncing back. but yeah, it definitely has a lot to do with getting out of my comfort zone. never done anything quite like this before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FoolofaTook View Post
Teh B0llz have you started reading Kafka? He's perfect for ppl with anxiety. Check it:

The Vulture
Kafka is too perfect. everything i ever read by him was always so inspired and well written and unpredictable in such an organic way. and i've barely even scratched the surface with his work - have been meaning to get deep into him (bazamba) for a long time, but i'm just a relentless procrastinator. but at least there's knowing i have a rabbithole of the finest quality there is to explore, when i do finally get around to it.

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Originally Posted by reprise85 View Post
hope things look up for you man. i don't feel very depressed right now but i understand not having anyone to be with and being sad/lonely because of that. i have nobody, have never had anybody, and it's because i am flawed and never learned how to have intimacy with anybody. it fucking sucks and i'm starting to really realize how much of life is completely shut off to me

sorry didn't mean to make it about me. i hope you can enjoy some things even if not everything like you wanted
is ok. actually you flash in my thoughts fairly often in that way, because i think in many ways we are kind of parallel in those regards. obviously you had endured a much harsher reality than me with your abusive ex, but i think the loneliness/isolation/dissociation in our lives are not dissimilar in many ways. good to hear you're doing well these days though.

 
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Old 02-12-2018, 12:26 AM   #1058
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Kafka died of tuberculosis induced starvation (couldn't swallow his food). his three sisters died in concentration camps. He was so insecure he destroyed 90% of his work. Never got married though he got engaged several times.

Definitely a uniquely bleak voice.

 
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Old 02-12-2018, 06:07 PM   #1059
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"Please don't publish The Trial after I'm dead, I'm really embarrassed of it."

"You got it, Franz. It's safe with me."

 
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Old 02-12-2018, 06:51 PM   #1060
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Yah. First he tells Brod that EVERYTHING should be destroyed. Then he concedes that the published stuff (Metamorphosis, Judgement, Colony, Doctor, Burrow, Hunger) should be spared. Then he adds that those deserve to be burned too.

Kafka was hardcore.

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 01:03 AM   #1061
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FoolofaTook View Post
Teh B0llz have you started reading Kafka? He's perfect for ppl with anxiety. Check it:

The Vulture

A vulture was hacking at my feet. It had already torn my boots and stockings to shreds, now it was hacking at the feet themselves. Again and again it struck at them, then circled several times restlessly around me, then returned to continue its work. A gentleman passed by, looked on for a while, then asked me why I suffered the vulture. "I'm helpless," I said. "When it came and began to attack me, I of course tried to drive it away, even to strangle it, but these animals are very strong, it was about to spring at my face, but I preferred to sacrifice my feet. Now they are almost torn to bits." "Fancy letting yourself be tortured like this!" said the gentleman. "One shot and that's the end of the vulture." "Really?" I said. "And would you do that?" "With pleasure, said the gentleman, "I've only got to go home and get my gun. Could you wait another half-hour?" "I'm not sure about that," said I, and stood for a moment rigid with pain. Then I said, "Do try it in any case, please." "Very well," said the gentleman, "I'll be as quick as I can." During this conversation the vulture had been calmly listening, letting its eye rove between me and the gentleman. Now I realized that it had understood everything; it took wing, leaned far back to gain impetus, and then, like a javelin thrower, thrust its beak through my mouth, deep into me. Falling back, I was relieved to feel him drowning irretrievably in my blood, which was filling every depth, flooding every shore.
We donít have vultures in New Zealand. Can we change it to kea or something?

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 01:20 AM   #1062
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:55 AM   #1063
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i lost my shit again today.

after dinner i decided to go check out the main pier area to see if i can find an instrument shop, maybe rent a guitar (as i don't have mine here) or buy a ukelele, cause i really miss playing music here. i head down the street, and see these two exotic cats with flattened faces and very long fur. at first i didn't notice anything was wrong. i've been making friends with a lot of cats here, and most of them are so exceptionally open and trusting and sweet. so i stop over to say hello and pet them for a bit, and only then do i see a plastic thread sticking out from their long fur, around their neck. then it registers: they're both tied to a pole, having latitude of about a meter or so. the cat was so hungry for attention. he dug his head into my hand and climbed on me almost immediately. his fur was dirty and neglected, the whole area smelled like piss and shit because they have nowhere to go to do it, and they had a bowl of cat food there, too. after i gave him some attention he came off me and i could notice his entire body and head is shaking.

right opposite there, is a flower shop. i go over there and start politely asking around, "excuse me, do you know who owns those cats across the street?". and sure enough, it turns out the store staff owns them, and they don't seem enthusiastic about me asking. at first i was very downbeat and was polite and respectful. i was like, "please, i beg you, let them walk around. what you're doing is so cruel. please". none of them seemed to understand what i was saying, except this one girl, about 20-25 i'd guess. and she was like, "NO! CARS!". meaning that they might get run over. and i say, "they are very quick animals. they can get away, i promise you. please, i beg you, this is horrible, it's so cruel. how would you feel if you couldn't even walk around? please let them go". and as i say it i can see very easily that i'm not going to get through to her no matter what i say, and she just turns her back to me and pretends i'm not there.

then i just really lost my shit and just started violently swearing at her, telling her that she is a fucking piece of shit, and a horrible person, and that i wish the same thing would happen to her, and that she is fucking disgusting. she understood me very well, and gave me the most loathsome look as i was walking away ripping her apart with my words. a minute later i was walking down the street, bawling. and as i walk sniveling and lip quivering and tears running down my face some hustler hollers "TAXI?" at me. which, in time, will probably be remembered for me as the quintessential Thailand experience, alongside the dreamy scenery out of a fairytale.

the look of that miserable, beautiful animal shaking so miserably next to me will haunt me for a very, very long time. and fuck me, none of this is about me. i just cannot fathom the hair-splitting difference between being content and living in a heaven on earth, and being born into a lifetime of torture and misery. this is beyond heartbreaking and i just can't deal.

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 07:07 AM   #1064
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Gonna start a cat liberation movement, and will bust every chained cat free!

Catpeace

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 08:22 AM   #1065
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damn b0lly that sounds terrible, i'm sorry you had to witness that

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 08:40 AM   #1066
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animals are really just objects for a big part of humanity. it's fucking horrible. not much you can do though, as you experienced first hand.


 
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Old 02-14-2018, 09:17 AM   #1067
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Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1 View Post
i lost my shit again today.

after dinner i decided to go check out the main pier area to see if i can find an instrument shop, maybe rent a guitar (as i don't have mine here) or buy a ukelele, cause i really miss playing music here. i head down the street, and see these two exotic cats with flattened faces and very long fur. at first i didn't notice anything was wrong. i've been making friends with a lot of cats here, and most of them are so exceptionally open and trusting and sweet. so i stop over to say hello and pet them for a bit, and only then do i see a plastic thread sticking out from their long fur, around their neck. then it registers: they're both tied to a pole, having latitude of about a meter or so. the cat was so hungry for attention. he dug his head into my hand and climbed on me almost immediately. his fur was dirty and neglected, the whole area smelled like piss and shit because they have nowhere to go to do it, and they had a bowl of cat food there, too. after i gave him some attention he came off me and i could notice his entire body and head is shaking.

right opposite there, is a flower shop. i go over there and start politely asking around, "excuse me, do you know who owns those cats across the street?". and sure enough, it turns out the store staff owns them, and they don't seem enthusiastic about me asking. at first i was very downbeat and was polite and respectful. i was like, "please, i beg you, let them walk around. what you're doing is so cruel. please". none of them seemed to understand what i was saying, except this one girl, about 20-25 i'd guess. and she was like, "NO! CARS!". meaning that they might get run over. and i say, "they are very quick animals. they can get away, i promise you. please, i beg you, this is horrible, it's so cruel. how would you feel if you couldn't even walk around? please let them go". and as i say it i can see very easily that i'm not going to get through to her no matter what i say, and she just turns her back to me and pretends i'm not there.

then i just really lost my shit and just started violently swearing at her, telling her that she is a fucking piece of shit, and a horrible person, and that i wish the same thing would happen to her, and that she is fucking disgusting. she understood me very well, and gave me the most loathsome look as i was walking away ripping her apart with my words. a minute later i was walking down the street, bawling. and as i walk sniveling and lip quivering and tears running down my face some hustler hollers "TAXI?" at me. which, in time, will probably be remembered for me as the quintessential Thailand experience, alongside the dreamy scenery out of a fairytale.

the look of that miserable, beautiful animal shaking so miserably next to me will haunt me for a very, very long time. and fuck me, none of this is about me. i just cannot fathom the hair-splitting difference between being content and living in a heaven on earth, and being born into a lifetime of torture and misery. this is beyond heartbreaking and i just can't deal.
fuck. don't worry, i think that's the correct reaction to have. fuck her. at least keep the kitties inside in the back room or something. christ

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 12:51 PM   #1068
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You're a good person/soul, b0lly. Keep fighting the good fight.

Also, why don't I know your real first name?

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 01:38 PM   #1069
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it is teh. teh b0lly.

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 01:39 PM   #1070
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also i am sorry to hear about how fucked up those people were. i wish i had some advice but i definitely don't so, i'm sorry everything is so rough.

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 05:34 PM   #1071
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My advice would be to go back there and free the cat, but that's terrorism?

 
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:24 PM   #1072
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That's awful teh b0lly, I'm sorry man. If it's any comfort, the problem is not you. You are reacting like a normal person who respects living things. Your story definitely triggered some feelings that were brought up for me when traveling in Asia

 
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Old 02-16-2018, 01:39 AM   #1073
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.

Last edited by teh b0lly!!1 : 02-19-2018 at 07:36 PM.

 
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Old 02-16-2018, 01:47 AM   #1074
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Old 02-16-2018, 02:18 AM   #1075
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I love cats. Fuck those people. I hope they get torn to shreds by a Siberian tiger.

 
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Old 02-19-2018, 04:08 PM   #1076
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I had Burger King yesterday and I think I'm dying as a result.

 
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Old 02-20-2018, 06:46 AM   #1077
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Should've had mcd's

 
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Old 02-20-2018, 03:08 PM   #1078
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We donít have vultures in New Zealand. Can we change it to kea or something?
What about a buzzard?

 
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Old 02-20-2018, 05:30 PM   #1079
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I had McDs Saturday afternoon and was hungry again in like an hour.

 
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Old 02-20-2018, 08:07 PM   #1080
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Also you probably have rectal cancer now.

Good job.

 
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