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Old 08-19-2018, 10:48 PM   #2701
Disco King
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Why. Must. Life. Be. So. Hard.

 
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Old 08-19-2018, 10:49 PM   #2702
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me too

I wish I had drugs rn

 
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:07 PM   #2703
Shallowed
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On another Discord server, a bunch of other dudes and I opened up about our feelings over voice chat in a healthy and therapeutic way. It was so wholesome. At least two people cried. I dubbed our group The Knights of the Glass Table.


 
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:40 PM   #2704
teh b0lly!!1
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Update: everything in my life is terrible
have you tried having pizza?

 
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:48 PM   #2705
Disco King
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There's a person in that group of friends I recently integrated with when I started pushing myself to make friends. She and I have been present at the same group functions, but haven't had a lot of direct interactions.

One day, she shares some Instagram story about her social anxiety and how it's hard for her to make friends, so, sensing somebody with similar struggles to mine, I reply to it telling her that I'd be her friend. That was the start of us becoming closer friends instead of just two people in the same circle who don't really know each other.

Last week was our first one-on-one hangout sesh, and it went nicely. I invited her to a party that night being hosted by a work friend, the same work friend that I've brought to a few parties hosted by this friend group. I've been trying to kinda mix friend groups and introduce people to each other.

Anyway, she shows up to the party after her shift with another friend of hers, whom I had never met before. I don't greet her right away because I'm caught up with some other friends, but eventually we meet up, and the three of us are chilling for the rest of the night.

My coworker is a huge geography and cartography nerd, and he has this ritual of asking new guests to his house to sign a sticker and place it on their residence on his map of the city in his rec-room, which is where we usually hang out. This party was bigger than any he had thrown before, so while we usually hang out down there, he asked that we hang out in the main floor mostly, so that he could keep his cats down in the rec-room, as they'd be made anxious by being around so many people. People are still allowed to go down there to grab drinks from the mini-fridge and such, but just not too many at a time.

At several points of the night, the friend of the friend I invited talks about wanting to check out the cats downstairs. Right before they leave, she wants to check them out, and the host mentions that they can also place their stickers on his map. He stresses that it's only if they want to. They come down with us. The cats are in the host's room, but when I crack the door open, somebody has already crashed there, so we close it again.

So, the girls leave. The night mostly went well, except for when some other coworker pissed them off by making a stupid domestic violence joke. I was pretty annoyed at this coworker, because he's usually a cool guy and he has interests in common with my new friend group and I was planning to invite him out to a function with them, but he blew it by being a drunk idiot and making a terrible first impression. He's the kind of guy who's chill sober, but says stupid shit when he's drunk. I apologize for him, and feel shitty for the girls, because they really seemed annoyed by it, and it seemed to have them leave on a sour note.

A little after the girls leave, at almost three o'clock in the morning, my phone rings.

"This is [friend I invited's boyfriend]. Can you explain why somebody tried to rape my girlfriend?"

I'm taken off guard, and have no idea what he's talking about. I spent almost the entire night with the girls, and I didn't notice anybody so much as lay a finger on them.

He explains that nobody touched them, but that his girlfriend called him in tears, saying that she was "lured" by the host into a basement to "sign something nobody else had signed," and was afraid. I guess this was when they were going to see the cats and were signing the map.

I was pretty sober that night. I detected no indication that the girls felt pressured into going into the basement. I know that women are socialized to not assert themselves, and simply not saying "no" or not resisting doesn't mean they want to do something, but, I mean, the host even told them "you don't have to if you don't want to," and they went down there with us anyway. So...?

The phone call ends because his girlfriend is calling him. I don't tell anybody else about the phone call. I just go home. I don't even get a wink of sleep that night, because I'm worried about the girls and how they are holding up and if they are feeling safe.

He calls me later that morning— the part of the morning that it is normal to call people during— and he apologizes for yelling at me and "overreacting," says he spoke with the girls, and wants to clear some details up. He says that according to them, when they arrived at the party, the host asked them if they wanted to go downstairs to grab some drinks and see the cats, but said that it'd have to be "one at a time." They also say that when they went down there, he told the guests already down there they had to go upstairs, and this raised red flags.

I couldn't confirm or refute this part of the story, as it would have been before I met up with the girls. I did concede that insisting they go "one at a time" seems really weird, but I also mentioned the shit about the cats. Still, I don't understand why it wouldn't be "two at a time" or "a few at a time." I dunno if there was a miscommunication, or if he actually stipulated this.

Then he mentions that when they were down there again, somebody was standing in front of the exit to the stairs, and they have to shove past them to leave. This didn't match my recollections, because it was only the four of us down there (aside from the guy sleeping in the next room), and none of us were standing near the exit, as far as I remember. I asked which person was obstructing the exit, and he said they didn't say. I specifically asked him if it were me (hey, maybe I had no idea I was standing in their way or something), and he said they didn't say it was me.

He mentions that they felt unsafe, and that they are both survivors. I tell him that I understand their fear in hindsight, though I noticed nothing amiss during the night, especially because one of the two repeatedly showed enthusiasm about going downstairs to see the cats. I tell him that it's very understandable that, as survivors, a situation that recalled past trauma could have triggered anxiety.

He tells me that the friend my friend invited currently believes that the entire episode may have been a misunderstanding, though it doesn't sound like he had talked it over with his girlfriend since the event yet. I tell him to let her know to feel free to reach out to me to discuss it, and that I want to give her space and put the ball in her court to initiate contact when she's good and ready. He thanks me for talking with him, tells me I'm a good man, and asks me not to spread this around, because he doesn't want to start unnecessary drama in the friend group. I tell him that I'll only talk to the host of the party about it so that he knows what's going on. I haven't done that yet because we've yet to meet in person since the party, and this isn't the kind of thing I want to try to hash out over text message.

After talking to my therapist (well, actually my physician, but she's also treating me for mental health shit) about the thing, she suggests that I reach out directly to the friend I invited, instead of communicating through her boyfriend. So, I send her a text telling her I've been in contact with her boyfriend, regret that she was made to feel uncomfortable, and apologize. No response.

So anyway, two days ago, another friend in the friend group invites me to her birthday thing. I respond, asking what time. No response.

Okay, some people are bad at texting back. No problem. I text her boyfriend, who is my closest friend in that group, what time his girlfriend expects people. No response.

That's weird, because this guy always responds right away. He seems to really value my company, and has even in the past expressed that he thinks highly of me and wants me to be his best friend.

Oh well, I already had plans that night. I just wanted to see if I'd have time to see that show and see my friends, but whatever. Them not responding gives me an excuse not to complicate my night with those logistics. The show it is.

After the show, I check my messages again, and still no response. I check the next morning, seeing that my message asking for the time had been viewed. No response still. Not even a "oh, sorry I forgot to respond!" Just radio silence. I send a message telling her I hope her birthday went well. It's read. No response.

So, my hypothesis is that, between the time she invited me and the time I texted back, the friend group discussed me, and it was decided I should not be invited. The friend whom I invited to the party, being best friends with the girl who invited me to her birthday, attended, so maybe she said something when my name came up?

I just don't know what the narrative is, though. Do they suspect me of trying to harm her? Am I excommunicated from the group? Nobody has said anything to me.

These friends are sort of the friends I have with similar interests, such as music and art and shit. Unlike my work friends, I can do things like go to shows with them, go to pubs that aren't sports bars, go to art galleries, etc. And everybody in this town's art/music scene is connected by a couple degrees of separation. I'm I blacklisted from the entire thing? Do people think I'm a bad guy?

Did I do something wrong? I keep on replaying all my actions in my head, all my words, trying to think of anything I did that was off base. I keep on questioning myself and wondering if maybe I am some monster. But when I can get my head clear and my questioning of my own sanity stops, I can't think of anything I did other than invite a friend out in hopes they would have a good time.

I keep on wondering, did my work friend (the host) do something when I wasn't around? Am I tarnished by association? The whole "one at a time" thing sounds weird, but also wholly unlike him. And we had some other people down there to see the basement, too, including his crush at work whom I invited for his sake, whom he was really anxious about. She showed no discomfort, and no funny business happened with her. And I'm pretty sure we were alone down there with her. Nothing even remotely sexual crossed my mind the entire night.

It really sucks, because I think I may have lost this friend group, and I really valued them. Especially because recently having had made friends after pushing myself despite my social anxiety has been my one victory, my one piece of evidence that maybe I'm not doomed, that maybe I can grow and progress and get what I want out of life, instead of being sad and alone and unfulfilled forever. I also started dating around the same time I started trying to make friends, and that hasn't been fruitful at all. Academic achievement used to be the one thing I had going for me, and I lost that within the last couple of years. I'm unfulfilled with all my hobbies and passions, not having been able to find joy or fulfillment in hobbies such as guitar or sketching for some time. I keep on failing at my fitness goals, falling off the wagon as soon as I get back on. Even at work, my job is at risk, because depression has made it hard for me to show up on time, and now I'm on thin ice with management.

Making these friends was the one sliver of hope I had. And it took a single evening for them to abandon me without question, without word, without acknowledgement.

I don't know what else there is. I am not living for myself at this point. I have not been for some time. I am living purely out of inertia.

 
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:50 PM   #2706
Disco King
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Wow, it's been some time since the last DiscoDigest of that size.

I don't even know where to turn to talk about this. My friends? Haha.

Even for friends not associated with either of these groups, I feel like I can't talk about this.

 
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:52 PM   #2707
Disco King
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How the fuck do I make this shorter

 
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:53 PM   #2708
Disco King
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My life, I mean

 
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Old Yesterday, 12:13 AM   #2709
Shallowed
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That's a long fuckin' post.

I'm going in.

 
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Old Yesterday, 12:42 AM   #2710
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Jesus Christ. That was pretty messed up.

I can't tell what exactly is going on, but I think you need to get through to someone, anyone, in one of those intersecting circles of friends and figure out what the hell is going on. I can't see anything in there that is remotely your fault. You were gracious and considerate at every opportunity.

Maybe make a phone call instead of texting. Is there anything that you guys regularly go to or meet up at?

 
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Old Yesterday, 03:18 AM   #2711
Cool As Ice Cream
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what are "survivors"?

 
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Old Yesterday, 03:26 AM   #2712
redbreegull
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someone who has been victimized by sexual violence and survived. I think the idea is that calling them victims just further takes away their power and defines them by what was done to them, instead of their resilience

 
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Old Yesterday, 04:18 AM   #2713
smashingjj
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How the fuck do I make this shorter
get yourself typologyzed

 
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Old Yesterday, 04:51 AM   #2714
queenoftheswine
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That's an intense post.

My very first reaction was "Do not trust someone that advertises their mental health issues on social media." That aside, I can't really see fault in anything you did, if it happened as you described it. You're not the "bad guy".
I don't mean to shit on the friends you made, but I can't help but feel that if they're not even willing to talk to you about it, they're really not worth your time. You shouldn't attach your own sense of fulfillment to something that depends just as much on other people. Some people really love drama. Don't blame yourself.

 
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Old Yesterday, 04:58 AM   #2715
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If it weren’t for those damned cats!

 
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Old Yesterday, 12:43 PM   #2716
slunken
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can someone pm the dischord/discord link?

i signed up but none of my emails take me there and i'm super dumb

 
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Old Yesterday, 01:14 PM   #2717
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www.goatse.com

 
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Old Yesterday, 02:13 PM   #2718
redbreegull
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get yourself typologyzed
baaaahahahah

 
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Old Yesterday, 02:37 PM   #2719
reprise85
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DK, this might be bad advice but at least you know the boyfriend of the friend of a friend did talk to you, maybe you can ask him what's going on? i know it's kind of a weird route to take but if no one will talk to you and this guy has expressed that he believes what you're saying, it might prompt him to ask his gf and for her to respond to you?

just an idea. so sorry you are going through this

 
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Old Yesterday, 04:47 PM   #2720
Disco King
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Originally Posted by Shallowed View Post
Jesus Christ. That was pretty messed up.

I can't tell what exactly is going on, but I think you need to get through to someone, anyone, in one of those intersecting circles of friends and figure out what the hell is going on. I can't see anything in there that is remotely your fault. You were gracious and considerate at every opportunity.

Maybe make a phone call instead of texting. Is there anything that you guys regularly go to or meet up at?
Yeah, the thing is that the girl's boyfriend asked me not to spread it around, so I don't know how to ask anybody about it without, you know, talking about the situation.

I want to respect her privacy. At the same time, it's not like it would make sense to ask her to abide by the same courtesy. People who have been victimized should feel free to reach out and talk about it, so asking her not to would essentially be asking her to isolate herself and not seek support. And even though she may not have been victimized that night, if she legitimately thinks she was, then she still reserves that right to talk about it.

I had let her boyfriend know that her feelings are valid and that she's justified in feeling them, because I don't want to dismiss anyone's very real concerns. But at the same time, I'm put in a weird spot where I don't know how to reconcile being mindful of somebody else's feelings with still being an advocate for myself.

Like, I feel like even suggesting that she misconstrued events would fall under the "sexistly dismissing women as hysterical" category.

Quote:
Originally Posted by smashingjj View Post
get yourself typologyzed
I think I'm a Chandler.

Quote:
Originally Posted by queenoftheswine View Post
That's an intense post.

My very first reaction was "Do not trust someone that advertises their mental health issues on social media." That aside, I can't really see fault in anything you did, if it happened as you described it. You're not the "bad guy".
I don't mean to shit on the friends you made, but I can't help but feel that if they're not even willing to talk to you about it, they're really not worth your time. You shouldn't attach your own sense of fulfillment to something that depends just as much on other people. Some people really love drama. Don't blame yourself.
I dunno, it's not even that I don't trust the girl. I don't think she was being malicious, I think she just misinterpreted events. I don't resent her, it's the situation itself I dislike.

As for people not talking to me, I dunno, maybe they feel that they would be bad friends to her if they still associated with me? Like, when it comes to these sorts of things, people can almost kinda feel a moral or political imperative not to hear all sides of a story, because that would be a failure to believe the victim. It may seem immoral to not take them at their word and not even dare to question if maybe somebody just got something wrong.

Like, I recall a conversation in which we were talking about a show that some bands pulled out of, because of allegations of abuse against a member of the headlining band. I mentioned them being allegations, and another friend responded that when they hear these things, they don't tend to investigate or look further into it, they just accept it. And, like, there are times when that seems to be a totally fair stance; I don't think a reasonable person feels the need at this point to go, "hey, I dunno if I'm all that sure that Harvey Weinstein is a bad guy," and the allegations against this band member were probably closer to that sort of thing. But I still feel like there's a difference between "several women independently reported abuse by this one guy," and "this guy asked us to go into a basement; pretty sure that means he was trying to rape us."

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DK, this might be bad advice but at least you know the boyfriend of the friend of a friend did talk to you, maybe you can ask him what's going on? i know it's kind of a weird route to take but if no one will talk to you and this guy has expressed that he believes what you're saying, it might prompt him to ask his gf and for her to respond to you?

just an idea. so sorry you are going through this
I guess it's really the only route I have. Like, I'm afraid of texting the girl directly, because I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable or threatened. I can't really ask the other friends what's up without breaking my promise not to talk about it. And there's still the possibility that maybe I'm overthinking the lack of responses because of my neediness and fear of abandonment, and people are just busy or something.

I think I'll give it some time before contacting him, just because the lack of responses from my friends only happened just before the weekend. I should probably be sure that they are ignoring me before I ask this guy why they are ignoring me.

 
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Old Yesterday, 04:50 PM   #2721
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This all still feels very surreal to me, like I'm not even sure I'm really awake. Like, did I really even get that phone call?

 
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Old Yesterday, 06:03 PM   #2722
Shallowed
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Please don't blame yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

 
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Old Yesterday, 06:27 PM   #2723
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
This all still feels very surreal to me, like I'm not even sure I'm really awake. Like, did I really even get that phone call?
DK, you didn't do anything wrong in this situation based on your narrative of the events. For real. It is possible these people are all just busy, maybe. I can't really say.

I will say that if they stop being your friend over this, whether this woman actually was being groomed for some kind of assault or not, I don't think they are actually good people to hang around. It's obvious that YOU did nothing malicious or with bad intentions and you are actually one of the nicest, most congenial, and accommodating people around. You are always mindful of others' thoughts and feelings and you try to make others comfortable before you take care of yourself.

So just please don't blame yourself. It's a very weird situation, but you didn't bring it about.

 
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Old Yesterday, 07:13 PM   #2724
Shallowed
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Why do bad things happen to good people?

 
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Old Yesterday, 07:14 PM   #2725
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Fortunately that is something I don't have to ever worry about.

 
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Old Yesterday, 09:29 PM   #2726
reprise85
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Why do bad things happen to good people?
because bad things happen to everyone

 
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Old Yesterday, 09:32 PM   #2727
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because the world is not actually a mythologized narrative and there is no god or guiding force

 
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Old Yesterday, 10:09 PM   #2728
Shallowed
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lol tru tru

 
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Old Yesterday, 10:29 PM   #2729
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what about aslan?

 
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