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10-05-2019, 06:35 PM | #4831 |
Braindead
Posts: 18,608
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A literal metric tonne. Not quite as much as an imperial ton.
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10-05-2019, 06:35 PM | #4832 |
Braindead
Posts: 18,608
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Language is literally fluid.
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10-05-2019, 08:06 PM | #4833 |
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,850
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Mail some here, it's legal
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10-05-2019, 08:26 PM | #4834 | |
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,850
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Quote:
It's iterative and cyclical; chemistry and intimacy fuel each other. There's also the fact that our society remains stubbornly gendered, despite attempts to address and challenge gender roles. Women still expect men to make the first move, and the onus is usually on the guy to move things toward physical intimacy on a date. If he doesn't, the woman will wonder why nothing has happened yet, because the assumption is that these things should "just happen" when two people like each other. She will then reason from this that "the reason nothing is happening must be because we're not actually into each other, after all," and attraction will fade. Believe me, I've tried the normie advice of "it'll just happen naturally" a million times. Much of the time when things fizzle out, it's because it wouldn't have worked, anyway, but I've definitely experienced going out with people with whom I had mutual compatibility and chemistry, and then failing to properly fan those embers by being way too platonic. These are people with whom I'm fairly certain it would have worked if I had only done X,Y,Z instead of A,B,C. I think part of why people want to think that attraction is totally independent of how people behave and what steps they take, and is instead this magical spooky force that either just is or isn't, is because they maybe think it would make attraction less meaningful and more cynical if it actually is partly based on a skill that one can sharpen. And I'm not claiming that you can have total control over it or master some "one weird trick" to make any person fall in love with you, because most of it really is beyond our control. But not all of it is, because you can raise or lower your chances of facilitating your attraction by knowing how to do it, and that doesn't make it any less meaningful or valuable. "It just happens naturally" is something people only believe because they have enough natural aptitude at it that they've never had to think about it very much. It's like a regular person telling a dyslexic person "don't overthink reading, it'll just come naturally if you be yourself and relax." Bro, that sucks. About anything in particular, or just those stupid brain chemicals not doing what they are supposed to? Still keeping up with school and all that? Hanging out with friends? I find that when I'm especially depressed, I gotta treat that shit like a job and do it whether I like it or not, because if I go "I'll do school shit/hobbies/chores when I'm feeling up to it," that's how all of it falls to the wayside and my life becomes a mess and I become even more depressed. |
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10-06-2019, 01:35 AM | #4835 |
Braindead
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
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I am still getting straight A's
my job is OK, I'm a manager at this thing I'm more social than I've ever been, I'm busier than I've ever been I've just been trampled by this bad on and off relationship I suppose |
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10-06-2019, 01:43 AM | #4836 |
Braindead
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
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School is not bringing me any joy
it's just this chore I have to do, I don't particularly like anyone I go to class with either so now I just tell myself it'll be better when I get to a 4 year university... I have no reason to be in school anyway I don't want to do anything with my life, except apparently be buried in debt |
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10-06-2019, 02:15 AM | #4837 | |
Braindead
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
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Quote:
but I dunno once you've been on a date or 2 where you felt it was ok to come out and say "I'm anxious about this" because the chemistry is natural, you might see things differently |
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10-06-2019, 10:35 AM | #4838 | |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 44,548
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Quote:
the 4-year university i go to is full of privileged whites, but maybe you'd be more in your element. i'm only in college because it is a means to an end. the jobs i want require degrees so i need one. it's why i take school seriously. |
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10-06-2019, 10:42 AM | #4839 |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 44,548
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you're a manager at a thing? omg, young white boys always get managerial jobs at things. that will look good on your resume when you want to be a manager of another thing.
i always see white men managing black crews of construction workers. shit's gross. |
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10-06-2019, 10:43 AM | #4840 |
Minion of Satan
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
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i almost feel like i'm being mansplained
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10-06-2019, 10:45 AM | #4841 |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 44,548
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where does a mansplainer get their water?
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10-06-2019, 10:45 AM | #4842 |
Minion of Satan
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
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after all, it's always come very naturally for me.
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10-06-2019, 10:46 AM | #4843 |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 44,548
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a well, actually.
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10-06-2019, 10:51 AM | #4844 |
Minion of Satan
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
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i once wrote a long tirade about putting yourself in the woman's shoes and how is she going to interpret all the awkward posturing of a mysterious guy who's constantly going on dates with many girls and trying to smooch with them hours after meeting...
i didn't post it and i don't think i can articulate it well again. but the big question I have is, you say from experience that it doesn't work out when you don't make any bold moves. So how many times have things worked out when you make these bold moves, i.e. developping into a relationship? or am i misinterpreting your motives and you are only after sex? |
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10-06-2019, 10:55 AM | #4845 |
Minion of Satan
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
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cause if i speak from my experience and understanding, this strategy only works with guys who are natural at it. confident and uncaring. for the record, i am none of those 3, and i don't think you are either.
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10-06-2019, 11:50 AM | #4846 | |
Minion of Satan
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
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Quote:
ok, i don't want to go into fuzzy mode, or feel like a "mansplainer" myself (it's not an appropriate reference, i know), but I will try to extrapolate on my outlook on things. so regarding this topic, i am quite a big fan of flirting. or i have been. that is, i enjoy flirting with someone with whom i feel attraction. of course the way a date will progress has everything to do with how you behave. but i think we disagree on the steps to take, or the importance of each one. i feel maybe you underestimate the power of something called tension? there is a slippery slope that you engage in as soon as you go into physical intimacy. it is a fragile barrier, and it is different for everyone, and it can be transgressed much too soon. i actually strongly believe that the type of girl with whom a guy like you can form a real bond and connection, well this type of girl probably has a strong barrier herself. so it might be necessary to work at her in more subtle ways, gain her trust and confidence. enjoy some ambiguous flirting. flirting can escalate in many ways before becoming physical. i've never held the hand of a girl i wasn't feeling totally smitten with. otherwise it just feels weird, doesn't it? kissing is even more weird to me. kissing is a statement. agreed, some people take kissing lightly, but I have my own limits and i need to respect them. yes, after some tension has built (or so i imagine), i'd like to initiate touch to see how she reacts about it. then maybe eventually take her hand. i don't need to escalate this to a kiss within the next 20 minutes. I mean, doesn't this simple act speak volumes in itself? isn't this a statement? isn't this enough to plant a seed, go to sleep with a smile and feeling good about having met someone interesting, and think about this someone (positively)? if not, i guess she's just not into you, if so, there is still some tension to work at. if you kiss too quick you kinda blow all the tension away, and then it's already time for the other one to figure out "how do i feel about the next level? wait, how well do i know this person?" yes many girls will have a lot of trouble figuring you out. that's very unfortunate and hard to deal with. but i have a hard time believing that they will figure you out better when you give mixed signals of wanting to be bold and at the same time anxious of your every move, and then them having to think about "where do I stand about kissing some guy and then going four 4 days without talking and he's only texting me about the logistics of our eventual next date. oh, did he say he had another date with someone else this week? ok..." |
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10-06-2019, 12:07 PM | #4847 | ||
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,850
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Quote:
From the mouths of babes, I know, but a cursory anecdotal survey of everyone I ever known's love life seems to show that on-again-off-again shit is rarely worth the heartache. Sure, some couples reconsider and reunite and it all works out in the end, but if you've broken up a couple times, there's more than likely a reason for that happening that won't just disappear during your third or fourth or fifth time. It just seems to lead to the same misery. Especially if each rekindling puts you two so far into that idealized honeymoon phase that you forget why you ever broke up, to the point of not working on the problems that led you to break up because they aren't emotionally salient in your mind anymore. Sometimes, two people can be totally fine, nice, good people, and things just don't work out between them because of irreconcilable differences. It's not an indictment on either you or her to just go your separate ways. The world is full of people. There's probably somebody you'd be just as happy with, but with whom you lack the problems you have with this person. People are unique, but not that unique when there's fucking seven billion of us. You probably feel like "but this one's the one!" but I can guarantee you that isn't true, and there are enough people in the world you are compatible with for you to eventually stumble upon one who isn't going to bring you as many problems, and whom you're not going to bring as many problems. My advice is just break it off, maybe stay platonic friends if possible (you obviously bring each other some value in your lives, a romantic relationship just isn't working), and talk to other women. This is all assuming the breakdown of your relationship is just due to differences and not some major character flaw you have that would only lead you down the same path with whomever you dated. But even if it is this, work on yourself and just be a better guy for the next woman who comes along, instead of trying to fix yourself for the current one. Quote:
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10-06-2019, 01:08 PM | #4848 | ||||||
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,850
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Quote:
If you misjudge her body language and make a move that she isn't receptive to (you can feel that she's rigid, or she might even verbally tell you), then just back off, obviously. One of the dates I went on sometime last month, she seemed to reject advances early on in the date (almost in a teasing way, like "oh no no, I'm not letting you do that [wink wink]," rather than in an actually uncomfortable way), and I'd just take two steps back and give her space, and try a bit later on. By the end of the date, she was asking to go home with me and wanted to get physical (though I couldn't do that, because I'm a baby and I live with my parents, so nothing happened). Quote:
I've also noticed another pattern: just as the onus is on the man to escalate everything to sustain attraction, it's also on him to pull back and put the breaks on things a little. Due to what I think is internalized slut-shaming, women can get a little reticent about going on subsequent dates even after they really liked you and enthusiastically made out with you on the previous one. I'm thinking part of them goes, "oh god, why did I do that with a guy I pretty much just met? I'm not that kind of girl, good girls don't do that. Maybe I should break things off now." So, I find that just as being too platonic and not making a move freezes you out from further dates, having things get too heated does, too. But if in the middle of making out or kissing, you're actually the first to push back a little and go "we're getting ahead of ourselves" and bring it back to conversation, now you've given her some space to not feel so self-conscious and guilty about being physically intimate with you. Quote:
For example, that last date I went on, I obviously made sure to start flirting with her in order to actually be able to warrant physical contact. I also think tension is important; the way I initiated the kiss was actually by getting her to kiss me by creating flirtatious tension. When it came to some natural pause or lull in our intimate conversation, instead of relenting to my knee-jerk reaction to look away and around the room during pauses in speech, I just held eye contact with her, staring into her eyes without saying a word or breaking the silence. I did this for however long, and it caused her to actually move in to kiss me. This is powerful, because it eliminates your chance having the move rejected if you actually kinda got her to do it herself. Quote:
I agree with you, flirting is obviously key to facilitating these connections, and that was one of the things I was too shy and awkward to engage in, leading to the lack of felt chemistry. Quote:
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As for texting, I just noticed that even though some girls seem to want to chat all the time, when you actually give them what they seem to want and chat with them, they lose interest and they ghost. Especially because, how much interesting stuff can you really convey succinctly over text? If you're not engaging in conversation that creates value and you're just talking about laundry and shit, you're killing attraction and becoming another one of her girl friends that she chats with. And if you actually get into meaningful conversation, that becomes entire paragraphs, and responding to you becomes a time investment that she has to squeeze into her day, another obligatory chore, and that kills attraction and gets her looking for excuses to make it stop, too. I'm still trying to find the happy middle ground here, because I'm often too busy to schedule second dates within a short amount of time. By the time I can, I haven't texted with her enough in the intervening time, and she probably assumes I've forgotten about her or that she's just a Plan B after some other girl bailed (which she's probably not, even if I'm talking to other girls). |
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10-06-2019, 01:43 PM | #4849 | |
Braindead
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
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Quote:
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10-06-2019, 01:46 PM | #4850 |
Braindead
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
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it's very true I do manage minorities
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10-06-2019, 02:11 PM | #4851 |
Braindead
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
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white boys that can go to the 'rents have no function and should all drop dead I do basically agree too
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10-06-2019, 03:16 PM | #4852 |
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,850
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Can confirm, Elph is my boss and he writes me up when I come back from my lunch break five minutes late
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10-06-2019, 03:34 PM | #4853 |
Minion of Satan
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
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you seriously put a lot of emphasis on slut-shaming... yet i can share the same feelings than most girls in this regard and obviously it's not because of some internalized slut-shaming, so what could it possibly be?
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10-06-2019, 03:38 PM | #4854 | |
Minion of Satan
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
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Quote:
what is a girl to do? are you into her or not? maybe the answer is no. |
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10-06-2019, 04:57 PM | #4855 | |
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,850
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Quote:
I still try to communicate my availability. I respond to all texts and never ghost anyone, despite getting ghosted quite a bit myself. Once I set a date, I rarely flake. I think I'm holding up my end of the investment thing more than most people I see are. |
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10-06-2019, 07:27 PM | #4856 |
Braindead
Posts: 18,608
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10-06-2019, 07:29 PM | #4857 |
Braindead
Posts: 18,608
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DK we should fuck
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10-06-2019, 10:46 PM | #4858 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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DK you know you're my pal and stuff
but you sound sort of insane talking about this stuff i mean what do i know i've been on a handful of dates in the last decade. but for someone who puts a lot of thought into all these aspects of dating, are you even satisfied with your results. like, ever? |
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10-07-2019, 12:35 AM | #4859 |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 44,548
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DK is a big ol' windbag always waxing poetic with his bad advice and looking at his bellybutton
Last edited by yo soy el mejor : 10-07-2019 at 12:44 AM. |
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10-07-2019, 01:40 AM | #4860 | |
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,850
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Quote:
I actually just had another first date today, during which I barely flirted and didn't make much physical contact, despite knowing I should do those things, because my social-anxiety brain. And this is how most of my dates go, and the results are typically "I didn't feel the spark, let's just be friends." So, like, by default I've already been taking the conventional-wisdom advice I'm being given in this thread, and it hasn't been working, so |
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