ABC Family's Secret Life Graduates, Panders, Reaches Its Tipping Point: Now What?

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ABC Family’s Tolstoyian sprawling epic The Secret Life of the American Teenager had its season finale last month, and boy, was it a doozy. The Cliffnotes version of the plot read as follows: The Seniors graduate, complete with Ricky giving the valedictorian speech including a marriage proposal to Amy (which was accepted). The kids then went to ******’s nameless boyfriend’s parents’ lakehouse to get drunk, where Amy insists Ricky should kiss Adrian so she can finally get over him. This actually somehow works but, for some reason, causes every minority male in the room to get into a huff and storm off, allowing Jack the exact space he needed to get back in with Grace. Then almost everyone got really drunk and when the next morning rolled around Amy’s divorced parents had slept with each other, the male half of the not-even-remotely-ambiguously Asian duo had slept with Adrian, Madison slept with ******’s aforementioned nameless boyfriend, and all the homosexual kids had commandeered the attic for an orgy. (Seriously.) Also Ben met a nice redhead with a fat face who doesn’t want to have sex, which he found “refreshing.” Ricky and Amy walk off into the sunset looking smug and superior to everyone else, with only the slightest hint of a trademark Amy Jurgens’ stinkface back at the huddled teenage masses they’d left in their collective wake.

Truly the convoluted, improbably storylines assembled would seem to serve Secret Life well. It is, after all, the show that makes an art form of weekly obliterating nuance and shoving in our faces absurd plot lines even Gary Shteyngart would have problems choking down. But, to me, it just felt so unsatisfying! Even by Secret Life already tenuous standards, many of the points made no sense, and Brenda Hampton’s typical overzealous preachy-ness felt, well, ESPECIALLY overzealous, and seemed to leave huge gaping holes in the continuity of the program.

Take the entire fiasco that was graduation. Apparently Mr. Cooper from Hanging with Mr. Cooper was the principal of this high school, which is really depressing, since a few years back he burnt himself really badly or something and kept trying to commit suicide until Bill Cosby talked him out of it. (I know this because I read it on wikipedia a few years back, and I'm not about to fact-check it now.) Dude, I don’t want to think about that during Secret Life. Second, despite the many, many views we’ve had over the years of the apparently enormous campus this High School takes up, and many shots of full marching bands and football teams, the senior graduating class consisted of 47 kids. This is not a guesstimate, nor trademark ******ian hyperbole: I actually paused it and counted, and there were 47 kids. This would put the entire high school at around 200 students, which doesn’t even remotely jive with ANYTHING we’ve seen in the run of this show. I kept thinking to myself, “oh, I bet they’re just going to play this off like no one is going to notice they’re too cheap to hire extras and get a bigger set,” but that’s when Secret Life surprised me. Apparently according to (Hanging with) Mr. Cooper, this entire time the school has been a magnet school for the best and brightest, which jives even less with everything we know about the characters to date.

Then we get to Ricky’s speech, which was, again horribly inconsistent with what we’ve been brought to believe about him. We’re really supposed to believe abused, near-dropout Ricky had a 4.2 GPA this entire time and managed, as a white male from an upper-class family, to get multiple scholarships without ever applying for any of them? Really? I am willing to give the writers a pass on this, though, if only for one reason: if any character was built to give a ten minute, rambling monologue that was all about themselves and their feelings, how is it not Ricky? That’s the entire role of Ricky. So, fair enough on that one, SEcret Life.

This brings us to Brenda Hampton’s bizarre pandering to family values injected into the program. It honestly felt like she knew they were going on break for the fall and it’d be several months before she could use her program to once again make the kind of people who watch The 700 Club feel morally superior to the rest of America, so she needed to go doubly hard to make people who watched Touched By An Angel last through Autumn on Secret Life's fumes. This was first played out with Jack being asked to offer the prayer before graduation, only to have the middle daughter on 7th Heaven who is now the councilor to drag him into her office and apologize repeatedly about how “she never even gave thought to the fact that a public school can’t sanction a prayer” which, of course, led Jack to relate in a folksy manner how even his football team wasn’t allowed to pray before their games, and that darn separation of church and state “which is everywhere nowadays!” is to blame. Jack went on to give the “invocation” which was a nice speech about how he wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for people praying for him, so really, wink wink nudge nudge. Because, you know, I’m sure prayer and his personal relationship with Jesus Christ was a massive part of Jack’s day in between bedding 3/4th of the female population of his senior class.

But Brenda Hampton wasn’t done. She also decided if all the kids were going to get drunk and hookup at the afterparty, this was a golden opportunity to make sure we all were aware that homosexual immorality is even more depraved then regular, good old fashioned heterosexual immorality. Hence, all the homosexual guys get drunk, go upstairs, and apparently have some sort of orgy, just to remind us when heterosexual people get drunk and fornicate, they have the love for Jesus in their hearts to keep it to, like, just one other person. And again, this is on ABC Family. For your kids to watch.

If there’s one thing all the Southern Baptist checklist points made me reflect on this week, its actually how terrible a job Secret Life does in pushing its social agenda. For a show that is ostensibly about “actions having consequences,” we quite often see people who make good decisions irrevocably harmed by a few kids who are having the time of their life making bad decisions. Take ******, who is often reduced to being a minor character, but over the run of the show has been by far the most moral kid on it. She refuses to drink, dumps boyfriends who attempt to have pre-marital sex with her, and consistently points out correctly the folly of everyone else’s schemes. And how was ****** repaid this week for all her good living? After waking up on the couch alone and sober, she finds her boyfriend (who was “dying” to have sex) in bed with her best friend (who also went to the party with the intention to hook up with someone, anyone!) after they both got drunk and “lost control” the night before. So, for people keeping score at home, all the drunken fornicators got exactly what they wanted and the good girl runs out of the house crying yet again, where she’s left to be comforted by Amy and Ricky, two kids who had anonymous sex and are now living a dream life in a free apartment, with college scholarships, and apparently awesome transcripts and huge engagement rings. Lesson well-received!

All of this, though, obscures the larger tipping point we’ve reached in Secret Life: the end of high-school. There is no larger minefield for a show to navigate than its teenage cast reaching graduation. Look no further for an object lesson in how bad it can go then The O.C. The first three seasons were awesome ratings bonanzas, then the kids graduated, and the show was cancelled 12 episodes into an uneven, weird fourth season where Ryan and Taylor Townsend [note: she must always be referred to by two names, this is a rule] dated on and off. (Now, true: some would point out Mischa Barton leaving the cast was a secondary proximate cause of the shows untimely death, but really, the decisions the cast of The O.C. made in seasons 3 and 4 and the immediate year that followed is another post. Or possibly my Master’s thesis. We’ll see.)

Really, there are only three options when a show about high-school’ers reaches the graduation point: (1) no one goes to college, (2) everyone goes to college in the exact same town the show has always been set in and most continue to live at home, or (3) absurd wildcard scenario. #1 is well highlighted by The O.C., which quickly became plot-less with the characters having nothing to do all day and died off, as already mentioned. #2 is by far the most popular, but it consistently leads to people feeling the show dropped off wildly in quality after that decision. (Consider, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Dawson’s Creek, or Boy Meets World.) This phenomenon has a simple explanation: being out of high-school changes everything. Even if you’re still in the same town, living with your parents, and attending a school, the dynamic changes. In high school, the students are children, and much of the show deals with their interactions and conflicts with their parents, but once the children go through the right of passage of graduation and all of a sudden are adults, that relationship changes forever. It’s essentially a completely different show from day 1 after graduation, and everyone inevitably wants the show they had known and loved, not this “new” program. For most shows that follow the #2 solution, graduation becomes the date the show is declared a terminal patient, and we are left simply seeing how long the life-support stays on. Option #3 involves time travel, “it was all a dream,” or in my favorite case, the wacky decision in One Tree Hill where the next season the story picked up 5 years in the future, post-college, with everyone moving back to the same town. (This was made easier by the fact that OTH had kept their cast “in high-school” for a near-90210 amount of time.)

However, I think Secret Life is poised to pull off the #2 option the best. When I think of the show that best managed to not hit a wall either ratings-wise or critically (and, to be honest, continues to feel the most like the show it was during its high school era), I have to go with Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl continues to work because the dynamic between parents and kids and what the kids were able to do in their lives hasn’t changed a bit. Gossip Girl’s kids weren’t normal kids. They travelled around the world on their own, went to school when they felt like, didn’t answer to their parents, had credit cards and chauffeurs, and were able to purchase alcohol everywhere they went without getting carded. If they didn’t like what their parents told them to do, they didn’t do it, and the sad-sack parents were powerless to exert influence over them or discipline them. For Gossip Girl’s kids, college meant nothing. There were no new freedoms afforded them. They just continued to live the exact same lives they always had with a different coffee shop in the background. This is the brilliance of Secret Life: it’s always had the inmates running the asylum. None of the Secret Life kids lead real kid lives. They have babies, and live in lofts, and get married at 16 and divorced at 18, and their significant others come over and stay the night in their parents houses. Heck, 90% of the cast have no parents on the show at all, and the few that do allow their kids to go driving around the country, or they themselves move out of state leaving their kids to live in someone else’s garage. There’s no dynamic to modify.

For all that can be said about Secret Life’s unreality, it is inevitably what will sustain it. If the show was realistic, less of us would be watching it, and for those that were, this would be the point where they would stop. But by existing in a fantasy world, the rules of the traditional American Teenager are changed: graduation is just sound and fury, signifying nothing. We saw this week the seeds planted for business as usual: Jack, Adrian, and Ricky all seem to be conveniently be going to that nameless college right there in town, and even Jack’s football coach is getting hired there too. The next season can be exactly like the last season and the one before, and my wife and I will be right there watching the biting satirization of traditional American mores and its commentary on the role of faith and community in modern society.

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place mirror here, and....

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(˙ǝɯıʇ ɟo ʇunoɯɐ 0Ɩᄅ06-ɹɐǝu ɐ ɹoɟ ”looɥɔs-ɥƃıɥ uı“ ʇsɐɔ ɹıǝɥʇ ʇdǝʞ pɐɥ H┴O ʇɐɥʇ ʇɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ ʎq ɹǝısɐǝ ǝpɐɯ sɐʍ sıɥ┴) ˙uʍoʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ oʇ ʞɔɐq ƃuıʌoɯ ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ ɥʇıʍ 'ǝƃǝlloɔ-ʇsod 'ǝɹnʇnɟ ǝɥʇ uı sɹɐǝʎ ϛ dn pǝʞɔıd ʎɹoʇs ǝɥʇ uosɐǝs ʇxǝu ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ llıH ǝǝɹ┴ ǝuO uı uoısıɔǝp ʎʞɔɐʍ ǝɥʇ 'ǝsɐɔ ǝʇıɹoʌɐɟ ʎɯ uı ɹo ”'ɯɐǝɹp ɐ llɐ sɐʍ ʇı“ 'lǝʌɐɹʇ ǝɯıʇ sǝʌloʌuı Ɛ# uoıʇdO ˙uo sʎɐʇs ʇɹoddns-ǝɟıl ǝɥʇ ƃuol ʍoɥ ƃuıǝǝs ʎldɯıs ʇɟǝl ǝɹɐ ǝʍ puɐ 'ʇuǝıʇɐd lɐuıɯɹǝʇ ɐ pǝɹɐlɔǝp sı ʍoɥs ǝɥʇ ǝʇɐp ǝɥʇ sǝɯoɔǝq uoıʇɐnpɐɹƃ 'uoıʇnlos ᄅ# ǝɥʇ ʍolloɟ ʇɐɥʇ sʍoɥs ʇsoɯ ɹoℲ ˙ɯɐɹƃoɹd ”ʍǝu“ sıɥʇ ʇou 'pǝʌol puɐ uʍouʞ pɐɥ ʎǝɥʇ ʍoɥs ǝɥʇ sʇuɐʍ ʎlqɐʇıʌǝuı ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ puɐ 'uoıʇɐnpɐɹƃ ɹǝʇɟɐ Ɩ ʎɐp ɯoɹɟ ʍoɥs ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ʎlǝʇǝldɯoɔ ɐ ʎllɐıʇuǝssǝ s’ʇI ˙ɹǝʌǝɹoɟ sǝƃuɐɥɔ dıɥsuoıʇɐlǝɹ ʇɐɥʇ 'sʇlnpɐ ǝɹɐ uǝppns ɐ ɟo llɐ puɐ uoıʇɐnpɐɹƃ ɟo ǝƃɐssɐd ɟo ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ oƃ uǝɹplıɥɔ ǝɥʇ ǝɔuo ʇnq 'sʇuǝɹɐd ɹıǝɥʇ ɥʇıʍ sʇɔılɟuoɔ puɐ suoıʇɔɐɹǝʇuı ɹıǝɥʇ ɥʇıʍ slɐǝp ʍoɥs ǝɥʇ ɟo ɥɔnɯ puɐ 'uǝɹplıɥɔ ǝɹɐ sʇuǝpnʇs ǝɥʇ 'looɥɔs ɥƃıɥ uI ˙sǝƃuɐɥɔ ɔıɯɐuʎp ǝɥʇ 'looɥɔs ɐ ƃuıpuǝʇʇɐ puɐ 'sʇuǝɹɐd ɹnoʎ ɥʇıʍ ƃuıʌıl 'uʍoʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ uı llıʇs ǝɹ’noʎ ɟı uǝʌƎ ˙ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ sǝƃuɐɥɔ looɥɔs-ɥƃıɥ ɟo ʇno ƃuıǝq :uoıʇɐuɐldxǝ ǝldɯıs ɐ sɐɥ uouǝɯouǝɥd sıɥ┴ (˙plɹoM sʇǝǝW ʎoq ɹo 'ʞǝǝɹƆ s’uosʍɐp 'ɹǝʎɐlS ǝɹıdɯɐΛ ǝɥ┴ ʎɟɟnq 'ɹǝpısuoƆ) ˙uoısıɔǝp ʇɐɥʇ ɹǝʇɟɐ ʎʇılɐnb uı ʎlplıʍ ɟɟo pǝddoɹp ʍoɥs ǝɥʇ ƃuılǝǝɟ ǝldoǝd oʇ spɐǝl ʎlʇuǝʇsısuoɔ ʇı ʇnq 'ɹɐlndod ʇsoɯ ǝɥʇ ɹɐɟ ʎq sı ᄅ# ˙pǝuoıʇuǝɯ ʎpɐǝɹlɐ sɐ 'ɟɟo pǝıp puɐ ʎɐp llɐ op oʇ ƃuıɥʇou ƃuıʌɐɥ sɹǝʇɔɐɹɐɥɔ ǝɥʇ ɥʇıʍ ssǝl-ʇold ǝɯɐɔǝq ʎlʞɔınb ɥɔıɥʍ '˙Ɔ˙O ǝɥ┴ ʎq pǝʇɥƃılɥƃıɥ llǝʍ sı Ɩ# ˙oıɹɐuǝɔs pɹɐɔplıʍ pɹnsqɐ (Ɛ) ɹo 'ǝɯoɥ ʇɐ ǝʌıl oʇ ǝnuıʇuoɔ ʇsoɯ puɐ uı ʇǝs uǝǝq sʎɐʍlɐ sɐɥ ʍoɥs ǝɥʇ uʍoʇ ǝɯɐs ʇɔɐxǝ ǝɥʇ uı ǝƃǝlloɔ oʇ sǝoƃ ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ (ᄅ) 'ǝƃǝlloɔ oʇ sǝoƃ ǝuo ou (Ɩ) :ʇuıod uoıʇɐnpɐɹƃ ǝɥʇ sǝɥɔɐǝɹ sɹǝ’looɥɔs-ɥƃıɥ ʇnoqɐ ʍoɥs ɐ uǝɥʍ suoıʇdo ǝǝɹɥʇ ʎluo ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ 'ʎllɐǝɹ

(˙ǝǝs ll’ǝM ˙sısǝɥʇ s’ɹǝʇsɐW ʎɯ ʎlqıssod ɹO ˙ʇsod ɹǝɥʇouɐ sı pǝʍolloɟ ʇɐɥʇ ɹɐǝʎ ǝʇɐıpǝɯɯı ǝɥʇ puɐ ㄣ puɐ Ɛ suosɐǝs uı ǝpɐɯ ˙Ɔ˙O ǝɥ┴ ɟo ʇsɐɔ ǝɥʇ suoısıɔǝp ǝɥʇ 'ʎllɐǝɹ ʇnq 'ɥʇɐǝp ʎlǝɯıʇun sʍoɥs ǝɥʇ ɟo ǝsnɐɔ ǝʇɐɯıxoɹd ʎɹɐpuoɔǝs ɐ sɐʍ ʇsɐɔ ǝɥʇ ƃuıʌɐǝl uoʇɹɐq ɐɥɔsıW ʇno ʇuıod plnoʍ ǝɯos :ǝnɹʇ 'ʍoN) ˙ɟɟo puɐ uo pǝʇɐp [ǝlnɹ ɐ sı sıɥʇ 'sǝɯɐu oʍʇ ʎq oʇ pǝɹɹǝɟǝɹ ǝq sʎɐʍlɐ ʇsnɯ ǝɥs :ǝʇou] puǝsuʍo┴ ɹolʎɐ┴ puɐ uɐʎɹ ǝɹǝɥʍ uosɐǝs ɥʇɹnoɟ pɹıǝʍ 'uǝʌǝun uɐ oʇuı sǝposıdǝ ᄅƖ pǝllǝɔuɐɔ sɐʍ ʍoɥs ǝɥʇ puɐ 'pǝʇɐnpɐɹƃ spıʞ ǝɥʇ uǝɥʇ 'sɐzuɐuoq sƃuıʇɐɹ ǝɯosǝʍɐ ǝɹǝʍ suosɐǝs ǝǝɹɥʇ ʇsɹıɟ ǝɥ┴ ˙Ɔ˙O ǝɥ┴ uǝɥʇ oƃ uɐɔ ʇı pɐq ʍoɥ uı uossǝl ʇɔǝɾqo uɐ ɹoɟ ɹǝɥʇɹnɟ ou ʞoo˥ ˙uoıʇɐnpɐɹƃ ƃuıɥɔɐǝɹ ʇsɐɔ ǝƃɐuǝǝʇ sʇı uɐɥʇ ǝʇɐƃıʌɐu oʇ ʍoɥs ɐ ɹoɟ plǝıɟǝuıɯ ɹǝƃɹɐl ou sı ǝɹǝɥ┴ ˙looɥɔs-ɥƃıɥ ɟo puǝ ǝɥʇ :ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔǝS uı pǝɥɔɐǝɹ ǝʌ’ǝʍ ʇuıod ƃuıddıʇ ɹǝƃɹɐl ǝɥʇ sǝɹnɔsqo 'ɥƃnoɥʇ 'sıɥʇ ɟo ll∀

¡pǝʌıǝɔǝɹ-llǝʍ uossǝ˥ ˙sƃuıɹ ʇuǝɯǝƃɐƃuǝ ǝƃnɥ puɐ sʇdıɹɔsuɐɹʇ ǝɯosǝʍɐ ʎlʇuǝɹɐddɐ puɐ 'sdıɥsɹɐloɥɔs ǝƃǝlloɔ ɥʇıʍ 'ʇuǝɯʇɹɐdɐ ǝǝɹɟ ɐ uı ǝɟıl ɯɐǝɹp ɐ ƃuıʌıl ʍou ǝɹɐ puɐ xǝs snoɯʎuouɐ pɐɥ oɥʍ spıʞ oʍʇ 'ʎʞɔıɹ puɐ ʎɯ∀ ʎq pǝʇɹoɟɯoɔ ǝq oʇ ʇɟǝl s’ǝɥs ǝɹǝɥʍ 'uıɐƃɐ ʇǝʎ ƃuıʎɹɔ ǝsnoɥ ǝɥʇ ɟo ʇno sunɹ lɹıƃ pooƃ ǝɥʇ puɐ pǝʇuɐʍ ʎǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ ʎlʇɔɐxǝ ʇoƃ sɹoʇɐɔıuɹoɟ uǝʞunɹp ǝɥʇ llɐ 'ǝɯoɥ ʇɐ ǝɹoɔs ƃuıdǝǝʞ ǝldoǝd ɹoɟ 'oS ˙ǝɹoɟǝq ʇɥƃıu ǝɥʇ ”loɹʇuoɔ ʇsol“ puɐ ʞunɹp ʇoƃ ɥʇoq ʎǝɥʇ ɹǝʇɟɐ (¡ǝuoʎuɐ 'ǝuoǝɯos ɥʇıʍ dn ʞooɥ oʇ uoıʇuǝʇuı ǝɥʇ ɥʇıʍ ʎʇɹɐd ǝɥʇ oʇ ʇuǝʍ oslɐ oɥʍ) puǝıɹɟ ʇsǝq ɹǝɥ ɥʇıʍ pǝq uı (xǝs ǝʌɐɥ oʇ ”ƃuıʎp“ sɐʍ oɥʍ) puǝıɹɟʎoq ɹǝɥ spuıɟ ǝɥs 'ɹǝqos puɐ ǝuolɐ ɥɔnoɔ ǝɥʇ uo dn ƃuıʞɐʍ ɹǝʇɟ∀ ¿ƃuıʌıl pooƃ ɹǝɥ llɐ ɹoɟ ʞǝǝʍ sıɥʇ pıɐdǝɹ uǝɹnɐ˥ sɐʍ ʍoɥ pu∀ ˙sǝɯǝɥɔs s’ǝslǝ ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ ɟo ʎlloɟ ǝɥʇ ʎlʇɔǝɹɹoɔ ʇno sʇuıod ʎlʇuǝʇsısuoɔ puɐ 'ɹǝɥ ɥʇıʍ xǝs lɐʇıɹɐɯ-ǝɹd ǝʌɐɥ oʇ ʇdɯǝʇʇɐ oɥʍ spuǝıɹɟʎoq sdɯnp 'ʞuıɹp oʇ sǝsnɟǝɹ ǝɥS ˙ʇı uo pıʞ lɐɹoɯ ʇsoɯ ǝɥʇ ɹɐɟ ʎq uǝǝq sɐɥ ʍoɥs ǝɥʇ ɟo unɹ ǝɥʇ ɹǝʌo ʇnq 'ɹǝʇɔɐɹɐɥɔ ɹouıɯ ɐ ƃuıǝq oʇ pǝɔnpǝɹ uǝʇɟo sı oɥʍ 'uǝɹnɐ˥ ǝʞɐ┴ ˙suoısıɔǝp pɐq ƃuıʞɐɯ ǝɟıl ɹıǝɥʇ ɟo ǝɯıʇ ǝɥʇ ƃuıʌɐɥ ǝɹɐ oɥʍ spıʞ ʍǝɟ ɐ ʎq pǝɯɹɐɥ ʎlqɐɔoʌǝɹɹı suoısıɔǝp pooƃ ǝʞɐɯ oɥʍ ǝldoǝd ǝǝs uǝʇɟo ǝʇınb ǝʍ ”'sǝɔuǝnbǝsuoɔ ƃuıʌɐɥ suoıʇɔɐ“ ʇnoqɐ ʎlqısuǝʇso sı ʇɐɥʇ ʍoɥs ɐ ɹoℲ ˙ɐpuǝƃɐ lɐıɔos sʇı ƃuıɥsnd uı sǝop ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔǝS qoɾ ɐ ǝlqıɹɹǝʇ ʍoɥ ʎllɐnʇɔɐ sʇı 'ʞǝǝʍ sıɥʇ uo ʇɔǝlɟǝɹ ǝɯ ǝpɐɯ sʇuıod ʇsılʞɔǝɥɔ ʇsıʇdɐq uɹǝɥʇnoS ǝɥʇ llɐ ƃuıɥʇ ǝuo s’ǝɹǝɥʇ ɟI

˙ɥɔʇɐʍ oʇ spıʞ ɹnoʎ ɹoℲ ˙ʎlıɯɐℲ Ɔq∀ uo sı sıɥʇ 'uıɐƃɐ pu∀ ˙uosɹǝd ɹǝɥʇo ǝuo ʇsnɾ 'ǝʞıl 'oʇ ʇı dǝǝʞ oʇ sʇɹɐǝɥ ɹıǝɥʇ uı snsǝſ ɹoɟ ǝʌol ǝɥʇ ǝʌɐɥ ʎǝɥʇ 'ǝʇɐɔıuɹoɟ puɐ ʞunɹp ʇǝƃ ǝldoǝd lɐnxǝsoɹǝʇǝɥ uǝɥʍ sn puıɯǝɹ oʇ ʇsnɾ 'ʎƃɹo ɟo ʇɹos ǝɯos ǝʌɐɥ ʎlʇuǝɹɐddɐ puɐ 'sɹıɐʇsdn oƃ 'ʞunɹp ʇǝƃ sʎnƃ lɐnxǝsoɯoɥ ǝɥʇ llɐ 'ǝɔuǝH ˙ʎʇılɐɹoɯɯı lɐnxǝsoɹǝʇǝɥ pǝuoıɥsɐɟ plo pooƃ 'ɹɐlnƃǝɹ uǝɥʇ pǝʌɐɹdǝp ǝɹoɯ uǝʌǝ sı ʎʇılɐɹoɯɯı lɐnxǝsoɯoɥ ʇɐɥʇ ǝɹɐʍɐ ǝɹǝʍ llɐ ǝʍ ǝɹns ǝʞɐɯ oʇ ʎʇıunʇɹoddo uǝploƃ ɐ sɐʍ sıɥʇ 'ʎʇɹɐdɹǝʇɟɐ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ dnʞooɥ puɐ ʞunɹp ʇǝƃ oʇ ƃuıoƃ ǝɹǝʍ spıʞ ǝɥʇ llɐ ɟı pǝpıɔǝp oslɐ ǝɥS ˙ǝuop ʇ’usɐʍ uoʇdɯɐH ɐpuǝɹq ʇnq

˙ssɐlɔ ɹoıuǝs sıɥ ɟo uoıʇɐlndod ǝlɐɯǝɟ ǝɥʇ ɟo ɥʇㄣ/Ɛ ƃuıppǝq uǝǝʍʇǝq uı ʎɐp s’ʞɔɐſ ɟo ʇɹɐd ǝʌıssɐɯ ɐ sɐʍ ʇsıɹɥƆ snsǝſ ɥʇıʍ dıɥsuoıʇɐlǝɹ lɐuosɹǝd sıɥ puɐ ɹǝʎɐɹd ǝɹns ɯ’I 'ʍouʞ noʎ 'ǝsnɐɔǝq ˙ǝƃpnu ǝƃpnu ʞuıʍ ʞuıʍ 'ʎllɐǝɹ os 'ɯıɥ ɹoɟ ƃuıʎɐɹd ǝldoǝd ɹoɟ ʇ’usɐʍ ʇı ɟı ǝɹǝɥʇ ǝq ʇ’uplnoʍ ǝɥ ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ɥɔǝǝds ǝɔıu ɐ sɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ ”uoıʇɐɔoʌuı“ ǝɥʇ ǝʌıƃ oʇ uo ʇuǝʍ ʞɔɐſ ˙ǝɯɐlq oʇ sı ”¡sʎɐpɐʍou ǝɹǝɥʍʎɹǝʌǝ sı ɥɔıɥʍ“ ǝʇɐʇs puɐ ɥɔɹnɥɔ ɟo uoıʇɐɹɐdǝs uɹɐp ʇɐɥʇ puɐ 'sǝɯɐƃ ɹıǝɥʇ ǝɹoɟǝq ʎɐɹd oʇ pǝʍollɐ ʇ’usɐʍ ɯɐǝʇ llɐqʇooɟ sıɥ uǝʌǝ ʍoɥ ɹǝuuɐɯ ʎsʞloɟ ɐ uı ǝʇɐlǝɹ oʇ ʞɔɐſ pǝl 'ǝsɹnoɔ ɟo 'ɥɔıɥʍ ”ɹǝʎɐɹd ɐ uoıʇɔuɐs ʇ’uɐɔ looɥɔs ɔılqnd ɐ ʇɐɥʇ ʇɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ oʇ ʇɥƃnoɥʇ ǝʌɐƃ uǝʌǝ ɹǝʌǝu ǝɥs“ ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ʎlpǝʇɐǝdǝɹ ǝzıƃolodɐ puɐ ǝɔıɟɟo ɹǝɥ oʇuı ɯıɥ ƃɐɹp oʇ ɹolıɔunoɔ ǝɥʇ ʍou sı oɥʍ uǝʌɐǝH ɥʇㄥ uo ɹǝʇɥƃnɐp ǝlppıɯ ǝɥʇ ǝʌɐɥ oʇ ʎluo 'uoıʇɐnpɐɹƃ ǝɹoɟǝq ɹǝʎɐɹd ǝɥʇ ɹǝɟɟo oʇ pǝʞsɐ ƃuıǝq ʞɔɐſ ɥʇıʍ ʇno pǝʎɐld ʇsɹıɟ sɐʍ sıɥ┴ ˙sǝɯnɟ s,ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔǝS uo uɯnʇn∀ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ ʇsɐl lǝƃu∀ u∀ ʎq pǝɥɔno┴ pǝɥɔʇɐʍ oɥʍ ǝldoǝd ǝʞɐɯ oʇ pɹɐɥ ʎlqnop oƃ oʇ pǝpǝǝu ǝɥs os 'ɐɔıɹǝɯ∀ ɟo ʇsǝɹ ǝɥʇ oʇ ɹoıɹǝdns ʎllɐɹoɯ lǝǝɟ qnlƆ 00ㄥ ǝɥ┴ ɥɔʇɐʍ oɥʍ ǝldoǝd ɟo puıʞ ǝɥʇ ǝʞɐɯ uıɐƃɐ ǝɔuo oʇ ɯɐɹƃoɹd ɹǝɥ ǝsn plnoɔ ǝɥs ǝɹoɟǝq sɥʇuoɯ lɐɹǝʌǝs ǝq p’ʇı puɐ llɐɟ ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ ʞɐǝɹq uo ƃuıoƃ ǝɹǝʍ ʎǝɥʇ ʍǝuʞ ǝɥs ǝʞıl ʇlǝɟ ʎlʇsǝuoɥ ʇI ˙ɯɐɹƃoɹd ǝɥʇ oʇuı pǝʇɔǝɾuı sǝnlɐʌ ʎlıɯɐɟ oʇ ƃuıɹǝpuɐd ǝɹɹɐzıq s’uoʇdɯɐH ɐpuǝɹq oʇ sn sƃuıɹq sıɥ┴

˙ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔƎS 'ǝuo ʇɐɥʇ uo ɥƃnouǝ ɹıɐɟ 'oS ˙ʎʞɔıɹ ɟo ǝloɹ ǝɹıʇuǝ ǝɥʇ s’ʇɐɥ┴ ¿ʎʞɔıɹ ʇou ʇı sı ʍoɥ 'sƃuılǝǝɟ ɹıǝɥʇ puɐ sǝʌlǝsɯǝɥʇ ʇnoqɐ llɐ sɐʍ ʇɐɥʇ ǝnƃolouoɯ ƃuılqɯɐɹ 'ǝʇnuıɯ uǝʇ ɐ ǝʌıƃ oʇ ʇlınq sɐʍ ɹǝʇɔɐɹɐɥɔ ʎuɐ ɟı :uosɐǝɹ ǝuo ɹoɟ ʎluo ɟı 'ɥƃnoɥʇ 'sıɥʇ uo ssɐd ɐ sɹǝʇıɹʍ ǝɥʇ ǝʌıƃ oʇ ƃuıllıʍ ɯɐ I ¿ʎllɐǝɹ ¿ɯǝɥʇ ɟo ʎuɐ ɹoɟ ƃuıʎlddɐ ɹǝʌǝ ʇnoɥʇıʍ sdıɥsɹɐloɥɔs ǝldıʇlnɯ ʇǝƃ oʇ 'ʎlıɯɐɟ ssɐlɔ-ɹǝddn uɐ ɯoɹɟ ǝlɐɯ ǝʇıɥʍ ɐ sɐ 'pǝƃɐuɐɯ puɐ ǝɯıʇ ǝɹıʇuǝ sıɥʇ ∀Ԁפ ᄅ˙ㄣ ɐ pɐɥ ʎʞɔıɹ ʇnodoɹp-ɹɐǝu 'pǝsnqɐ ǝʌǝılǝq oʇ pǝsoddns ʎllɐǝɹ ǝɹ’ǝM ˙ɯıɥ ʇnoqɐ ǝʌǝılǝq oʇ ʇɥƃnoɹq uǝǝq ǝʌ’ǝʍ ʇɐɥʍ ɥʇıʍ ʇuǝʇsısuoɔuı ʎlqıɹɹoɥ uıɐƃɐ 'sɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ 'ɥɔǝǝds s’ʎʞɔıɹ oʇ ʇǝƃ ǝʍ uǝɥ┴

˙ǝʇɐp oʇ sɹǝʇɔɐɹɐɥɔ ǝɥʇ ʇnoqɐ ʍouʞ ǝʍ ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ɥʇıʍ ssǝl uǝʌǝ sǝʌıɾ ɥɔıɥʍ 'ʇsǝʇɥƃıɹq puɐ ʇsǝq ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ looɥɔs ʇǝuƃɐɯ ɐ uǝǝq sɐɥ looɥɔs ǝɥʇ ǝɯıʇ ǝɹıʇuǝ sıɥʇ 'ɹǝdooƆ ˙ɹW (ɥʇıʍ ƃuıƃuɐH) oʇ ƃuıpɹoɔɔɐ ʎlʇuǝɹɐdd∀ ˙ǝɯ pǝsıɹdɹns ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔǝS uǝɥʍ s’ʇɐɥʇ ʇnq ”'ʇǝs ɹǝƃƃıq ɐ ʇǝƃ puɐ sɐɹʇxǝ ǝɹıɥ oʇ dɐǝɥɔ ooʇ ǝɹ’ʎǝɥʇ ǝɔıʇou oʇ ƃuıoƃ sı ǝuo ou ǝʞıl ɟɟo sıɥʇ ʎɐld oʇ ƃuıoƃ ʇsnɾ ǝɹ’ʎǝɥʇ ʇǝq I 'ɥo“ 'ɟlǝsʎɯ oʇ ƃuıʞuıɥʇ ʇdǝʞ I ˙ʍoɥs sıɥʇ ɟo unɹ ǝɥʇ uı uǝǝs ǝʌ’ǝʍ פNIH┴⅄N∀ ɥʇıʍ ǝʌıɾ ʎlǝʇoɯǝɹ uǝʌǝ ʇ’usǝop ɥɔıɥʍ 'sʇuǝpnʇs 00ᄅ punoɹɐ ʇɐ looɥɔs ɥƃıɥ ǝɹıʇuǝ ǝɥʇ ʇnd plnoʍ sıɥ┴ ˙spıʞ ㄥㄣ ǝɹǝʍ ǝɹǝɥʇ puɐ 'pǝʇunoɔ puɐ ʇı pǝsnɐd ʎllɐnʇɔɐ I :ǝloqɹǝdʎɥ uɐı****** ʞɹɐɯǝpɐɹʇ ɹou 'ǝʇɐɯıʇssǝnƃ ɐ ʇou sı sıɥ┴ ˙spıʞ ㄥㄣ ɟo pǝʇsısuoɔ ssɐlɔ ƃuıʇɐnpɐɹƃ ɹoıuǝs ǝɥʇ 'sɯɐǝʇ llɐqʇooɟ puɐ spuɐq ƃuıɥɔɹɐɯ llnɟ ɟo sʇoɥs ʎuɐɯ puɐ 'dn sǝʞɐʇ looɥɔS ɥƃıH sıɥʇ sndɯɐɔ snoɯɹouǝ ʎlʇuǝɹɐddɐ ǝɥʇ ɟo sɹɐǝʎ ǝɥʇ ɹǝʌo pɐɥ ǝʌ’ǝʍ sʍǝıʌ ʎuɐɯ 'ʎuɐɯ ǝɥʇ ǝʇıdsǝp 'puoɔǝS ˙ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔǝS ƃuıɹnp ʇɐɥʇ ʇnoqɐ ʞuıɥʇ oʇ ʇuɐʍ ʇ’uop I 'ǝpnp (˙ʍou ʇı ʞɔǝɥɔ-ʇɔɐɟ oʇ ʇnoqɐ ʇou ɯ,I puɐ 'ʞɔɐq sɹɐǝʎ ʍǝɟ ɐ ɐıpǝdıʞıʍ uo ʇı pɐǝɹ I ǝsnɐɔǝq sıɥʇ ʍouʞ I) ˙ʇı ɟo ʇno ɯıɥ pǝʞlɐʇ ʎqsoƆ llıq lıʇun ǝpıɔıns ʇıɯɯoɔ oʇ ƃuıʎɹʇ ʇdǝʞ puɐ ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ɹo ʎlpɐq ʎllɐǝɹ ɟlǝsɯıɥ ʇuɹnq ǝɥ ʞɔɐq sɹɐǝʎ ʍǝɟ ɐ ǝɔuıs 'ƃuıssǝɹdǝp ʎllɐǝɹ sı ɥɔıɥʍ 'looɥɔs ɥƃıɥ sıɥʇ ɟo lɐdıɔuıɹd ǝɥʇ sɐʍ ɹǝdooƆ ˙ɹW ɥʇıʍ ƃuıƃuɐH ɯoɹɟ ɹǝdooƆ ˙ɹW ʎlʇuǝɹɐdd∀ ˙uoıʇɐnpɐɹƃ sɐʍ ʇɐɥʇ oɔsɐıɟ ǝɹıʇuǝ ǝɥʇ ǝʞɐ┴

˙ɯɐɹƃoɹd ǝɥʇ ɟo ʎʇınuıʇuoɔ ǝɥʇ uı sǝloɥ ƃuıdɐƃ ǝƃnɥ ǝʌɐǝl oʇ pǝɯǝǝs puɐ 'snolɐǝzɹǝʌo ⅄˥˥∀IƆƎԀSƎ 'llǝʍ 'ʇlǝɟ ssǝu-ʎɥɔɐǝɹd snolɐǝzɹǝʌo lɐɔıdʎʇ s’uoʇdɯɐH ɐpuǝɹq puɐ 'ǝsuǝs ou ǝpɐɯ sʇuıod ǝɥʇ ɟo ʎuɐɯ 'spɹɐpuɐʇs snonuǝʇ ʎpɐǝɹlɐ ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔǝS ʎq uǝʌƎ ¡ƃuıʎɟsıʇɐsun os ʇlǝɟ ʇsnɾ ʇı 'ǝɯ oʇ 'ʇnq ˙uʍop ƃuıʞoɥɔ sɯǝlqoɹd ǝʌɐɥ plnoʍ ʇɹɐƃuʎǝʇɥS ʎɹɐפ uǝʌǝ sǝuıl ʇold pɹnsqɐ sǝɔɐɟ ɹno uı ƃuıʌoɥs puɐ ǝɔuɐnu ƃuıʇɐɹǝʇılqo ʎlʞǝǝʍ ɟo ɯɹoɟ ʇɹɐ uɐ sǝʞɐɯ ʇɐɥʇ ʍoɥs ǝɥʇ 'llɐ ɹǝʇɟɐ 'sı ʇI ˙llǝʍ ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔǝS ǝʌɹǝs oʇ ɯǝǝs plnoʍ pǝlqɯǝssɐ sǝuılʎɹoʇs ʎlqɐqoɹdɯı 'pǝʇnloʌuoɔ ǝɥʇ ʎlnɹ┴

˙ǝʞɐʍ ǝʌıʇɔǝlloɔ ɹıǝɥʇ uı ʇɟǝl p’ʎǝɥʇ sǝssɐɯ ǝƃɐuǝǝʇ pǝlppnɥ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞɔɐq ǝɔɐɟʞuıʇs ’suǝƃɹnſ ʎɯ∀ ʞɹɐɯǝpɐɹʇ ɐ ɟo ʇuıɥ ʇsǝʇɥƃıls ǝɥʇ ʎluo ɥʇıʍ 'ǝslǝ ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ oʇ ɹoıɹǝdns puɐ ƃnɯs ƃuıʞool ʇǝsuns ǝɥʇ oʇuı ɟɟo ʞlɐʍ ʎɯ∀ puɐ ʎʞɔıɹ ”˙ƃuıɥsǝɹɟǝɹ“ punoɟ ǝɥ ɥɔıɥʍ 'xǝs ǝʌɐɥ oʇ ʇuɐʍ ʇ’usǝop oɥʍ ǝɔɐɟ ʇɐɟ ɐ ɥʇıʍ pɐǝɥpǝɹ ǝɔıu ɐ ʇǝɯ uǝq osl∀ (˙ʎlsnoıɹǝS) ˙ʎƃɹo uɐ ɹoɟ ɔıʇʇɐ ǝɥʇ pǝɹǝǝpuɐɯɯoɔ pɐɥ spıʞ lɐnxǝsoɯoɥ ǝɥʇ llɐ puɐ 'puǝıɹɟʎoq ssǝlǝɯɐu pǝuoıʇuǝɯǝɹoɟɐ s’uǝɹnɐ˥ ɥʇıʍ ʇdǝls uosıpɐW 'uɐıɹp∀ ɥʇıʍ ʇdǝls pɐɥ onp uɐıs∀ ʎlsnonƃıqɯɐ-ʎlǝʇoɯǝɹ-uǝʌǝ-ʇou ǝɥʇ ɟo ɟlɐɥ ǝlɐɯ ǝɥʇ 'ɹǝɥʇo ɥɔɐǝ ɥʇıʍ ʇdǝls pɐɥ sʇuǝɹɐd pǝɔɹoʌıp s’ʎɯ∀ punoɹɐ pǝlloɹ ƃuıuɹoɯ ʇxǝu ǝɥʇ uǝɥʍ puɐ ʞunɹp ʎllɐǝɹ ʇoƃ ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ ʇsoɯlɐ uǝɥ┴ ˙ǝɔɐɹפ ɥʇıʍ uı ʞɔɐq ʇǝƃ oʇ pǝpǝǝu ǝɥ ǝɔɐds ʇɔɐxǝ ǝɥʇ ʞɔɐſ ƃuıʍollɐ 'ɟɟo ɯɹoʇs puɐ ɟɟnɥ ɐ oʇuı ʇǝƃ oʇ ɯooɹ ǝɥʇ uı ǝlɐɯ ʎʇıɹouıɯ ʎɹǝʌǝ sǝsnɐɔ 'uosɐǝɹ ǝɯos ɹoɟ 'ʇnq sʞɹoʍ ʍoɥǝɯos ʎllɐnʇɔɐ sıɥ┴ ˙ɯıɥ ɹǝʌo ʇǝƃ ʎllɐuıɟ uɐɔ ǝɥs os uɐıɹp∀ ssıʞ plnoɥs ʎʞɔıɹ sʇsısuı ʎɯ∀ ǝɹǝɥʍ 'ʞunɹp ʇǝƃ oʇ ǝsnoɥǝʞɐl ’sʇuǝɹɐd s’puǝıɹɟʎoq ssǝlǝɯɐu s’uǝɹnɐ˥ oʇ ʇuǝʍ uǝɥʇ spıʞ ǝɥ┴ ˙(pǝʇdǝɔɔɐ sɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ) ʎɯ∀ oʇ lɐsodoɹd ǝƃɐıɹɹɐɯ ɐ ƃuıpnlɔuı ɥɔǝǝds uɐıɹoʇɔıpǝlɐʌ ǝɥʇ ƃuıʌıƃ ʎʞɔıɹ ɥʇıʍ ǝʇǝldɯoɔ 'ǝʇɐnpɐɹƃ sɹoıuǝS ǝɥ┴ :sʍolloɟ sɐ pɐǝɹ ʇold ǝɥʇ ɟo uoısɹǝʌ sǝʇouɟɟılƆ ǝɥ┴ ˙ʎzoop ɐ ʇı sɐʍ 'ʎoq puɐ 'ɥʇuoɯ ʇsɐl ǝlɐuıɟ uosɐǝs sʇı pɐɥ ɹǝƃɐuǝǝ┴ uɐɔıɹǝɯ∀ ǝɥʇ ɟo ǝɟı˥ ʇǝɹɔǝS ǝɥ┴ ɔıdǝ ƃuılʍɐɹds uɐıʎoʇslo┴ s’ʎlıɯɐℲ Ɔq∀

[slunken]

boom goes the dynamite

[redbreegull]

you must spread some reputation around before giving it to cork soaker again

[slunken]

[cork_soaker]

well, get on with it, redbreegull...

[redbreegull]

I tried to neg rep cro pumpkins so I could pos rep you, but apparently I have recently repped him also. this bahnzah troll character is pretty obnoxious though