Friday/Saturday drunk or otherwise thread

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by reprise85

I don't know this woman and obviously not your previous relationship, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are doing what they think is right and are just as certain that it is the best thing for them as you think they are being offhanded. That doesn't excuse them being unreasonable and acting like that, but we all are the center of our own play in which we are the protagonist and we always try to do what is right. It is just that we have different ideas of what is right.

Now this doesn't go for absolutely everybody and people change, but I doubt it is personal, is what I'm trying to say. I don't know if that even means anything to you. I'm also not saying that you need to accept what she/they did as being an equally right solution to what you'd rather they had done - because it isn't. It was fucked up.

I dunno, this way of thinking helps me *shrug*

i definitely don't look at it from my own 'protagonist' perspective. i make a conscious effort not to. but from conversations i've had with her, she knows she's being cowardly and immature.

as i said, it's a matter of picking the path of least resistance for yourself, regardless of the cost (and even if somebody else has to pay the price of that). i don't find intimacy easy to achieve but when i do get there with someone, i couldn't imagine just cutting someone off emotionally like that. it's like at once, the razor slices through and you no longer owe each other anything at all, not even sympathy. that's even worse than the actual desire for seperation

[JESUSNEEDSAHIT]

god damn you all are fucked up

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

i definitely don't look at it from my own 'protagonist' perspective. i make a conscious effort not to. but from conversations i've had with her, she knows she's being cowardly and immature.

as i said, it's a matter of picking the path of least resistance for yourself, regardless of the cost (and even if somebody else has to pay the price of that). i don't find intimacy easy to achieve but when i do get there with someone, i couldn't imagine just cutting someone off emotionally like that. it's like at once, the razor slices through and you no longer owe each other anything at all, not even sympathy. that's even worse than the actual desire for seperation

I understand what you mean now. Sorry you had that done to you. You should be able to process these things while they're happening with the one they're happening with. It's not fair otherwise - you're right. :/

[yo soy el mejor]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

i'm only just learning how cheap words are for people.
they just say stuff like "i'll always be there for you" because talking is easy, and that's what they heard in movies, whatever. but there is nothing real behind it.

not to imply that i'm perfect in any way, but i'm the kind of person who chooses their words carefully, and i don't say it if i don't mean it.

i honestly cannot fathom how people can look at themselves in the mirror after breaking off a meaningful relationship with somebody who meant something to them, just offhandedly like that, like they owe them nothing at all. i mean, if any experience shows you who you really are, deep inside, it's situations like that. and if that's how you choose to deal, then you are a fucking emotionally stunted selfish coward, and a child.

if she acts like that when the going gets rough, she is doing you a favor and when the anger and hurt subsides i hope you know you know deserve better.

[teh b0lly!!1]

I can't get over how cringey some online dating profiles are.

my favs are people who post a selfie with reflective sunglasses as a profile pic , revealing their stretched out arm holding the phone while their face looks totally cool and effortless. so pathetic.

also, i just scrolled through a profile of one girl who 'wrote a poem for her eternal loved one when he comes', it was just fucking priceless.

I wait here for u to come
by the sea shore
U tell me to take the stars
But they feel so close when U here

[redbreegull]

my favorite tinder profile I have seen so far:

Hillary 2016
Bernie bros need not apply
I don't need anything Bernsplained to me

[Elphenor]

I've heard girls on Tinder are not likely to swipe in the desired direction if you have selfies as your photos

You need to create the illusion you are sociable or something

But it's Tinder...

[Elphenor]

I feel like the best strategy would be to use all pictures of yourself with other girls

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by Elphenor

I've heard girls on Tinder are not likely to swipe in the desired direction if you have selfies as your photos

You need to create the illusion you are sociable or something

But it's Tinder...

yeah this is exactly the kind of shit i'm talking about. it's all such an obtuse, stupid fucking game. we are all rats dragging our feet through the maze cause we get to that sweet piece of ... cheese though right

[ilikeplanets]

Jeez I do a lot of drugs, even though it's Wednesday not Saturday I still am high or otherwise. I feel a lot of things right now, and it's strange to be both scared and mellow, happy and despondent all at the same time. Exhale.

[teh b0lly!!1]

it also drives me crazy that texting with a person these days is an affair that lasts a whole day through, and sometimes more

because everybody needs to show anybody that they lead such an amazingly full, rich and busy life. they don't check their phone any second lol, do you? what a loser!

i mean i text somebody and i fucking KNOW they got it the same second and read it, but they'll still wait two hours before they launch a response my way. it makes mind numbing small talk last forever and it's wearing out my sensitive soul

[Elphenor]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

yeah this is exactly the kind of shit i'm talking about. it's all such an obtuse, stupid fucking game. we are all rats dragging our feet through the maze cause we get to that sweet piece of ... cheese though right

So don't be?

how important is it to be in a relationship, why do we put so much value on this

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by Elphenor

I've heard girls on Tinder are not likely to swipe in the desired direction if you have selfies as your photos

You need to create the illusion you are sociable or something

But it's Tinder...

I had heard a lot of advice in many different directions. I also did a lot of online "research," i.e. I read a lot of people's blogs and articles about how to make the best tinder profile. There is very little consistency in anyone's advice and I think ultimately all these suggestions speak more about what one specific person wants to see than about broad general truths

I also think it's funny when people write incredibly snarky, judgemental shit about who they find to be an acceptable mate and it's pretty obvious they are looking to date themselves, e.g.

unapologetic atheist intersectional feminist
seeking a fellow young professional to drink coffee and run half-marathons with
bike is life
masters or phd preferred
no smokers or drinkers
vegans only
must respect yourself and take exercise seriously
ambitious workaholic looking for similar
swipe left if you live outside the city
swipe left if you aren't looking for the real deal I don't have time for games

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by Elphenor

So don't be?

how important is it to be in a relationship, why do we put so much value on this

in theory i agree.

but the loneliness of living by yourself is unbearable to me, especially after being with someone who deeply cared for me for so long, which is something i'm not sure you've yet experienced (to clarify in advance, i don't mean this in a bad way at all, nor to claim superiority)

[Elphenor]

You're right I'm too inexperienced to give a real opinion of value on this

But your problem seems to be you are not okay with yourself or your life without a partner.

How can you expect someone to find that attractive

[Elphenor]

I only ever really think about dating and sex whenever I meet some girl by accident that fucks my shit up

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

yeah this is exactly the kind of shit i'm talking about. it's all such an obtuse, stupid fucking game.

I think this is the thing that frustrates me and depresses me so much about online dating from my experience so far. Of course it's always a game, but in real life I know how to break that wall down. If a girl doesn't seem willing to drop the facade and open up a bit like a real fucking human being, I understand it just isn't going to happen or isn't worth it. But when you have a natural spark with someone, it's easy to tell and that person makes it easy to dispense with the nonsense and get to something real.

on the internet it's like the anonymity just brings out the most superficial look at me I'm so cool and no one is good enough for me bullshit in everyone. Beyond hooking up or dating I am pretty sure most people on tinder at least are there for people to hot or not validate them and make them feel good with vain pursuit

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by Elphenor

You're right I'm too inexperienced to give a real opinion of value on this

it's not that you're too inexperienced to have an opinion, it's that you can only really understand how painful it is to live your life alone after you've had someone you built your life around walk away.

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

it's not that you're too inexperienced to have an opinion, it's that you can only really understand how painful it is to live your life alone after you've had someone you built your life around walk away.

the wonderfulness of being in a really great relationship and believing it's like a foundation for the rest of your life is also something very hard to just "get over" and accept being by yourself. I agree with Elphenor that it's not attractive to be so reliant on a relationship for personal happiness, but it's just like... you have that and then it gets yanked out of your hands and people keep telling you, "You just have to learn to be happy by yourself."

[vixnix]

Originally Posted by reprise85

I did not take it negatively at all. No worries.

It's not that I can choose to feel or not to feel, but that I can stop feeling if it does peak through. I've already decided at an unconscious level, probably since I was a little girl, to not feel. So it's like that decision has already been made, it's off 99% of the time - doesn't mean I don't feel at ALL, but it's very dampened. But it's not just that I don't feel - I also don't feel as if the world is real at all - major derealization and depersonalization to a lesser, but still high, degree. So it's a disconnection from feelings, and also from reality - though not psychosis, because I know my perceptions are abnormal and I know I must act as if things are real in order to not completely lose touch. So I can turn it off if it does peak through, but I can't choose to feel. I can only choose to not stop it when it does come - and this is a conscious decision sometimes, and sometimes not.

One night I almost got murdered (with my ex) and part of me feels like I died and this is all just some kind of dying hallucination.

I also don't feel very much physically, and I can in fact turn off pain almost completely - physical pain, that is. I am actually scared to feel physical pain. I also turned that off at some point because of very painful sexual/physical abuse. I actually remember practicing it while it was happening, and getting good at it, since it happened probably hundreds of times.

This dissociation mechanism probably saved my life many times, at least from killing myself if nothing else. It's a testament to our ability to cope with anything. But now it's still coping and things are not bad anymore and it's maladaptive.

I understand all of this. Having kids is what pulled me out of this stage - I had to feel, to love them. I feel suicidal a lot, and think about suicide a lot, but the biological will to survive and provide nurture to my offspring overrides that. It's the only thing that keeps me alive. I have massive problems with intimacy and being intimate with my husband in any way. I just can't be vulnerable with him, a lot of the time.

I think by the time you get to our stage, where you emerge from an abusive childhood into an extremely traumatic adolescence (which is just about guaranteed, isn't it), then live through drug addiction, rehabilitation, trial and error with medication and forming a trusting relationship with a therapist, the overriding instinct is to suppress our feelings, or distract ourselves from them with food, shopping, obsession, rumination etc. Because the truth is that there is nobody in our lives who can say "I was there. Now I am here. Follow me, trust me." I actually think we are part of the first generation to get the appropriate kind of therapy at the right time, to make full recoveries from our trauma (in the sense that we make life goals, short and medium term goals, and can constantly work towards them and follow through with our plans...not in the sense that we are healthy well balanced individuals, or emotionally resilient!) and pass on some kind of hope to those younger than us. And we are (I mean, you and I) particularly fortunate because our upper middle class backgrounds have afforded us opportunities that most people don't have - just having the level of education we do, and being raised in an environment that while abusive, was also one that valued knowledge and education and rewarded academic achievement, meant that we constantly seek out new information, almost involuntarily. And that has allowed us to take hold of opportunities that many others with our abuse/trauma background, never know about.

Anyway. Enough rambling...

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

on the internet it's like the anonymity just brings out the most superficial look at me I'm so cool and no one is good enough for me bullshit in everyone. Beyond hooking up or dating I am pretty sure most people on tinder at least are there for people to hot or not validate them and make them feel good with vain pursuit

in the words of morrissey

If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight?

[redbreegull]

sad veiled bride please be happy
handsome groom give her room
loud loutish lover treat her kindly
though she needs you more than she loves you

fuck

[Elphenor]

It's funny how people interpret those particular lyrics because it always seemed to me that he's obviously talking about himself there and it's self-deprecating

[redbreegull]

THARS A CLUB IF YOUD LIKE TO GO
YOU COULD MEET SOMEBODY WHO REALLY LOVES YOU
SO I GO AND I STAND ON MY OWN AND I LEAVE ON MY OWN
AND I GO HOME AND I CRY AND IW NT TO DIEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEEEEE

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by Elphenor

But your problem seems to be you are not okay with yourself or your life without a partner.

How can you expect someone to find that attractive

Originally Posted by redbreegull

the wonderfulness of being in a really great relationship and believing it's like a foundation for the rest of your life is also something very hard to just "get over" and accept being by yourself. I agree with Elphenor that it's not attractive to be so reliant on a relationship for personal happiness, but it's just like... you have that and then it gets yanked out of your hands and people keep telling you, "You just have to learn to be happy by yourself."

well i mean, i have a decent job, i play and write music and i paint (i'm also friends with a LOT of professional cyclists) - which is to say, some stuff gives me gratification. it's not like singularly having a partner will "solve everything" for me or something.

also, i'm far more candid on this board than in any other area of my life. outwardly i try to appear less fucked up, so hopefully i'm not a red flag of a person when i meet a date or whatever.

but with all that said, yeah, i don't see much 'point', for a lack of better word (or at least my inability to find one) in going through life alone, not being able to share what's important to you, and all those precious little moments of nothing at all. it's a "if a tree falls down in the forest" kind of thing. just having someone be there for you, and being able to be there for someone, makes everything worthwhile.
without that, it all just feels like masturbation.

[Elphenor]

Yeah I really don't like that worldview but you do you I guess

I understand love and marriage because you ran into this person that absolutely changed your life. But to actively seek it is weird to me.

[vixnix]

Must feel pretty good then. zing

[vixnix]

too late

[Elphenor]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

THARS A CLUB IF YOUD LIKE TO GO
YOU COULD MEET SOMEBODY WHO REALLY LOVES YOU
SO I GO AND I STAND ON MY OWN AND I LEAVE ON MY OWN
AND I GO HOME AND I CRY AND IW NT TO DIEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEEEEE

SEE IVE ALREADY WAITED TOO LOOOONGGG
AND ALL MY HOPE IS GONE

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by Elphenor

Yeah I really don't like that worldview but you do you I guess

I understand love and marriage because you ran into this person that absolutely changed your life. But to actively seek it is weird to me.

I'm sure some of it has to do with personality as well as experiences. I completely understand what teh b0lly means and I think I probably feel similarly. I'm a very social person who can't really be happy by myself for too long. I have a lot of love to give and I need a lot of love and intimacy. And especially once you have a relationship that gives you those things and just feels like the most perfect beautiful thing in the universe... there is just nothing as good, in my experience, as being with a person who plays that role to you and co-mingling your lives and sharing everything together

also reprise to thread but I believe love and sex light up the same pleasure centers in our brain that go off when we eat delicious food or take drugs.