Friday/Saturday drunk or otherwise thread

[teh b0lly!!1]

actually you know what, fuck to death all those people who only break things off by texting or whatever, only following the easiest possible path for themselves out of fear, and leaving the other party to just deal with it and not even being able to respond or say anything without it bleeding over to 'needless drama'.

you can say a lot of fucking terrible shit about me but i would never fucking do that, not to anyone. i'd at least respect the other person enough to do it to their face, and let them hear it from me and respond, and not fucking read it off a goddamn page or a screen. i convinced myself i gave up on people so long ago but apparently i still believe in them if i expect anything less than this shit. wether it's someone who i gave 7 years of my life to, or some girl i met a week ago

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

how long ago did you guys break up?

11 months

[redbreegull]

my last girlfriend and I were kind of on hiatus because we were both really fucked up and treating each other badly, but i was under the impression we were going to try and make things work again. we were still talking a bit and she said something like, "I'm always here if you need me. Always." The next night I had a breakdown and sent her messages asking her to call me please because I was losing it. She sent me, "As much as I valued our time together it is no longer healthy for me to talk to you. I ask that you don't contact me again." Blocked my number, unfriended me... just totally ghosted me.

the most fucked up and hurtful part is that she had an abusive ex from her past who would still call her and send her harassing texts from time to time and no matter how many fucking times I pleaded with her to block his fucking number, she wouldn't do it. Eventually she started lying to me that she had and didn't know how he kept getting in contact with her.

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

Rejection hurts even if you've only been seeing each other a short time. I'm so anxious about this woman having a bad time on our upcoming thing and not wanting to hang out again. I might even cry. Probably be depressed for days. Sometimes I think there are regular people, and people who feel everything ten times deeper than regular people. Pretty much everyone here is the second category.

I don't feel things very much, believe it or not. It's a problem. But I think I used to, before the trauma stuff. I'm working on it. Sometimes I think it's better to just forget it, but I miss all the good feelings too. Still not sure it's worth it though.

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by reprise85

I don't feel things very much, believe it or not.

this, along with the other things you have said about yourself recently, has been very clear to me for a long time


edit: don't mean this as a jab, if that's how it comes off

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

my last girlfriend and I were kind of on hiatus because we were both really fucked up and treating each other badly, but i was under the impression we were going to try and make things work again. we were still talking a bit and she said something like, "I'm always here if you need me. Always." The next night I had a breakdown and sent her messages asking her to call me please because I was losing it. She sent me, "As much as I valued our time together it is no longer healthy for me to talk to you. I ask that you don't contact me again." Blocked my number, unfriended me... just totally ghosted me.

the most fucked up and hurtful part is that she had an abusive ex from her past who would still call her and send her harassing texts from time to time and no matter how many fucking times I pleaded with her to block his fucking number, she wouldn't do it. Eventually she started lying to me that she had and didn't know how he kept getting in contact with her.

i'm only just learning how cheap words are for people.
they just say stuff like "i'll always be there for you" because talking is easy, and that's what they heard in movies, whatever. but there is nothing real behind it.

not to imply that i'm perfect in any way, but i'm the kind of person who chooses their words carefully, and i don't say it if i don't mean it.

i honestly cannot fathom how people can look at themselves in the mirror after breaking off a meaningful relationship with somebody who meant something to them, just offhandedly like that, like they owe them nothing at all. i mean, if any experience shows you who you really are, deep inside, it's situations like that. and if that's how you choose to deal, then you are a fucking emotionally stunted selfish coward, and a child.

[redbreegull]

in some ways she was one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, but she was deeply messed up. I think I was under some kind of delusion that I could "save" her but in the end her problems consumed me, then us, and then she somehow made the whole thing my fault and ran away, which basically completes the pattern she plays out with everything in life.

the girl from before that who I was with for years, we had been having a lot of trouble the last year of our relationship. She broke up with me and then we got back together, we stopped having sex, she made it really difficult to talk about... but right before I went to Israel I visited her where she did archaeology in Colorado and she basically told me she had thought about it for a long time and was ready to work our shit out and when I came back, she thought it was time for us to move in together. So I went off to Israel with that in my mind, and then got dumped over skype while I was there. People fucking suck. I still kind of think that if I had not gone away, she never would have been able to summon the courage to end things with me, and that hurts. I had to be far away so I couldn't cause her trouble or something.

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

this, along with the other things you have said about yourself recently, has been very clear to me for a long time


edit: don't mean this as a jab, if that's how it comes off

really? i thought i hid it pretty well. i'm recently finding out that's may not be as true as i thought. does it seem disordered or just like that's my personality - ultra logical or whatever?

i'm very interested in how i come across. my therapist likes to note that when she tells me things that i do that i don't realize i always ask her if it's obvious or she just notices because she's my therapist. like it's more important to me that others can't tell than it is that i actually fix it. which is probably true.

edit: i guess i've said this a few times recently about the not feeling thing... honestly having some problems lately remembering my interactions with people, especially online. sorry.

[fuzzyroes]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

so, the girl i've been seeing broke up with me via text.
it's because she believes in jesus and i don't.

it's stupid and i shouldn't feel this way but it still punched a hole in me. why do i even bother

You should have just pretended to believe in Jesus. What difference does it make? She was probably just using that as an easy excuse to get outta the relationship anyways.

Sorry though brother *bear hug*

[fuzzyroes]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

my last girlfriend and I were kind of on hiatus because we were both really fucked up and treating each other badly, but i was under the impression we were going to try and make things work again. we were still talking a bit and she said something like, "I'm always here if you need me. Always." The next night I had a breakdown and sent her messages asking her to call me please because I was losing it. She sent me, "As much as I valued our time together it is no longer healthy for me to talk to you. I ask that you don't contact me again." Blocked my number, unfriended me... just totally ghosted me.

At least you didn't have some dick-head dude who you were unaware that she was already dating pick up her phone and tell you that.

Now that really hurts

[fuzzyroes]

Originally Posted by reprise85

really? i thought i hid it pretty well. i'm recently finding out that's may not be as true as i thought. does it seem disordered or just like that's my personality - ultra logical or whatever?

i'm very interested in how i come across. my therapist likes to note that when she tells me things that i do that i don't realize i always ask her if it's obvious or she just notices because she's my therapist. like it's more important to me that others can't tell than it is that i actually fix it. which is probably true.

edit: i guess i've said this a few times recently about the not feeling thing... honestly having some problems lately remembering my interactions with people, especially online. sorry.

well, you do always show a tremendous amount of empathy towards people, but it sometimes rings a little hollow, like you're just saying it to say it kinda thing, trying to be perceived as nice. And really, a heartfelt message only really has weight if you actually mean it.- But hey, it's better than being a dick!

[duovamp]

Anybody here ever separate a man from his soul?

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by fuzzyroes

well, you do always show a tremendous amount of empathy towards people, but it sometimes rings a little hollow, like you're just saying it to say it kinda thing, trying to be perceived as nice. And really, a heartfelt message only really has weight if you actually mean it.- But hey, it's better than being a dick!

I don't agree with this at all. I think her logical and even-handed approach to addressing people is actually demonstrative of someone with the most regard for the common good and the well-being of everyone, and this is not the same thing as personally not having powerful emotional reactions... which tend to hinder logical and fair extroversion.

[fuzzyroes]

but what's a nice gesture worth if it's an empty one?

[hnibos]

What makes you say it's empty? You're just mad she thinks you're dumb.

[fuzzyroes]

not saying it is, but she was asking why people thought she came across as non-feeling. It's simply the impression I get. If I'm wrong, then hey, who cares? no one gives a shit what I have to say anyways lol

[reprise85]

I do actually mean the things I say - it is not an attempt to appear nice. In fact, if I can't connect to it I usually won't post it out of respect. This actually happens pretty often. But I can imagine it might seem hollow - I'm a hollow person in a lot of respects. I like to think there's a disconnect between my emotions and my empathy, where I can still feel the empathy even though I can't feel the emotions. I can, recognize it let's say. It's not the same thing but I don't think it's disingenuous.

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by fuzzyroes

not saying it is, but she was asking why people thought she came across as non-feeling. It's simply the impression I get. If I'm wrong, then hey, who cares? no one gives a shit what I have to say anyways lol

Believe it or not I actually like you the vast majority of the time

[fuzzyroes]

Yeah, I'm probably way off, who am I to judge one another? I'm as fucked up as they come

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

I don't agree with this at all. I think her logical and even-handed approach to addressing people is actually demonstrative of someone with the most regard for the common good and the well-being of everyone, and this is not the same thing as personally not having powerful emotional reactions... which tend to hinder logical and fair extroversion.

I really am starting to want to have feelings again. But it's so painful, getting through it means I have to feel all the grief from everything I've missed... and I've approached the beginning of it, but it's so fucking hard and I always pull back. It feels like I will die. I haven't felt anything very strongly for more than a few minutes besides anxiety in about 15 years. Right now I don't even feel much anxiety day-to-day and it's really nice in a lot of ways. I will have to willingly feel 15 years of pain (condensed for sure) and loss to come out the other side, and then it's not even a guarantee.

I'm actually crying a little right now. This isn't some promise of therapy, or what I've been told will happen. I'm totally at a precipice right now, for the past several months, and I keep on backing down from it and I feel like a coward but it's like willing stabbing myself repeatedly, the instinct is to not do it. Very strongly.

[reprise85]

anyway thanks for listening to me guys

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by fuzzyroes

Yeah, I'm probably way off, who am I to judge one another? I'm as fucked up as they come

we're all just doing the best we can, i think

[fuzzyroes]

yeah, sometimes my parents get all heavy on me like I'm a fuck up and how I'm going nowhere in life, but it's like "I'm doing the best I can with the faculties that I have".

But I mean, the funny thing is, I actually relate with some of what your saying. I fee like I've created a "numb wall" for myself and that I don't really feel too much anymore for my own good. But then it's like: it's not really healthy, but it works for me for what I'm going through

[teh b0lly!!1]

reprise, i didn't mean what i said in a negative way, if that's how if affected you. sorry.

for what it's worth, i wish i could be like you, in that i could choose to feel, or not to feel.
is that a conscious decision for you? or are you referring to not taking meds for a short while?

either way, as i said, i am tired of all this. i wish i could turn it off.

[reprise85]

I did not take it negatively at all. No worries.

It's not that I can choose to feel or not to feel, but that I can stop feeling if it does peak through. I've already decided at an unconscious level, probably since I was a little girl, to not feel. So it's like that decision has already been made, it's off 99% of the time - doesn't mean I don't feel at ALL, but it's very dampened. But it's not just that I don't feel - I also don't feel as if the world is real at all - major derealization and depersonalization to a lesser, but still high, degree. So it's a disconnection from feelings, and also from reality - though not psychosis, because I know my perceptions are abnormal and I know I must act as if things are real in order to not completely lose touch. So I can turn it off if it does peak through, but I can't choose to feel. I can only choose to not stop it when it does come - and this is a conscious decision sometimes, and sometimes not.

One night I almost got murdered (with my ex) and part of me feels like I died and this is all just some kind of dying hallucination.

I also don't feel very much physically, and I can in fact turn off pain almost completely - physical pain, that is. I am actually scared to feel physical pain. I also turned that off at some point because of very painful sexual/physical abuse. I actually remember practicing it while it was happening, and getting good at it, since it happened probably hundreds of times.

This dissociation mechanism probably saved my life many times, at least from killing myself if nothing else. It's a testament to our ability to cope with anything. But now it's still coping and things are not bad anymore and it's maladaptive.

[reprise85]

re: meds, they can't do anything for my feelings. I mean I'm not super anhedonic all the time from depression, and not terribly anxious all the time - which is a BIG deal

[reprise85]

considering i probably will never be able to do therapy with people because of my problems, i'm pretty happy that i've found a way to help society anyway - at least, I have a plan. which is to be a forensic psychologist and make recommendations on insanity defenses and parole hearings, etc. protect society from dangerous people and also give people second chances who deserve them.

hopefully i don't screw it all up

[Disco King]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

i'm only just learning how cheap words are for people.
they just say stuff like "i'll always be there for you" because talking is easy, and that's what they heard in movies, whatever. but there is nothing real behind it.

not to imply that i'm perfect in any way, but i'm the kind of person who chooses their words carefully, and i don't say it if i don't mean it.

i honestly cannot fathom how people can look at themselves in the mirror after breaking off a meaningful relationship with somebody who meant something to them, just offhandedly like that, like they owe them nothing at all. i mean, if any experience shows you who you really are, deep inside, it's situations like that. and if that's how you choose to deal, then you are a fucking emotionally stunted selfish coward, and a child.

I think people can get frustrated with me because barely anything I say is ever resolute. It's always "maybe" or "probably" or "perhaps." I almost never make promises.

But the reason I'm that way is because I don't want to give any false impressions of the certainty of something or overestimate probabilities. I mean, it's hard for me to even say I will "definitely" meet you at the agreed-upon time, because I don't know that. I could get hit by a car or struck by lightning or eaten by a tiger escaped from the zoo. I could miss the bus. Inductively speaking, we're not even 100% certain that the sun will rise tomorrow.

My parents are the opposite. They always promise unrealistic shit as if I'm still ten. I don't even what the shit they're promising, I just want them to stop kidding me.

Originally Posted by redbreegull

she didn't believe in jesus enough to not fornicate though

"I just can't commit a carnal sin with somebody who doesn't even believe that what I'm doing constitutes a carnal sin."

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1

i'm only just learning how cheap words are for people.
they just say stuff like "i'll always be there for you" because talking is easy, and that's what they heard in movies, whatever. but there is nothing real behind it.

not to imply that i'm perfect in any way, but i'm the kind of person who chooses their words carefully, and i don't say it if i don't mean it.

i honestly cannot fathom how people can look at themselves in the mirror after breaking off a meaningful relationship with somebody who meant something to them, just offhandedly like that, like they owe them nothing at all. i mean, if any experience shows you who you really are, deep inside, it's situations like that. and if that's how you choose to deal, then you are a fucking emotionally stunted selfish coward, and a child.

I don't know this woman and obviously not your previous relationship, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are doing what they think is right and are just as certain that it is the best thing for them as you think they are being offhanded. That doesn't excuse them being unreasonable and acting like that, but we all are the center of our own play in which we are the protagonist and we always try to do what is right. It is just that we have different ideas of what is right.

Now this doesn't go for absolutely everybody and people change, but I doubt it is personal, is what I'm trying to say. I don't know if that even means anything to you. I'm also not saying that you need to accept what she/they did as being an equally right solution to what you'd rather they had done - because it isn't. It was fucked up.

I dunno, this way of thinking helps me *shrug*

[teh b0lly!!1]

Originally Posted by Disco King

I think people can get frustrated with me because barely anything I say is ever resolute. It's always "maybe" or "probably" or "perhaps." I almost never make promises.

But the reason I'm that way is because I don't want to give any false impressions of the certainty of something or overestimate probabilities. I mean, it's hard for me to even say I will "definitely" meet you at the agreed-upon time, because I don't know that. I could get hit by a car or struck by lightning or eaten by a tiger escaped from the zoo. I could miss the bus. Inductively speaking, we're not even 100% certain that the sun will rise tomorrow.

My parents are the opposite. They always promise unrealistic shit as if I'm still ten. I don't even what the shit they're promising, I just want them to stop kidding me.



"I just can't commit a carnal sin with somebody who doesn't even believe that what I'm doing constitutes a carnal sin."

i tend to avoid speaking in definitive terms as well, for the same reason.
i just feel like i will be lying if i don't, and i'm pretty incapable of lying. the only thing i consistently lie about is "oh, you called me? yeah sorry, i didn't have my phone on me", or whatever. and that's only because answering the phone is usually stressful for me regardless of who it is.