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Old 08-21-2019, 10:21 PM   #4651
Run To Me
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so here's what went down. we met up at a kind of fancyish bar and ordered beer and oysters. she is extroverted, smart, and funny. she is from Brazil, and has picked up fluent English in two years of living here. The conversation was natural and easy, no awkwardness. We found out we have plenty in common, similar worldviews, and both love marijuana. she told me I am more attractive in person than in my pictures. she also ordered a second beer, which I interpreted as a good sign because she doesn't really like drinking very much. when it came time to pay, I offered to get the bill. she then offered to pay for herself. I said I was never sure what to do in this situation and she suggested that if I picked up the tab this time and she will get it next time. I walked her to her car and it didn't feel like the right moment to try and initiate a kiss, so we just hugged and said it was nice to meet each other and we had a good time
Mmmmyeah

How’s them eyes

Can u see, in them, the sparkle of infinite babies?

If so, it’s time to make them

Don’t let all those unborn babies not get born b/c of the increasing promiscuity of the world

 
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Old 08-21-2019, 10:23 PM   #4652
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Y’all ever get hi or otherwise on sleep deprivation?

Wasn’t my choice but got a big humid sack of fecund nugs of sleep depro last couple nites

Playin some okami and literally honestly just let’s face it can’t tell if im hallucinate or is it just this silly dogs crafty magic makin me trip balls all over my switch

 
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Old 08-21-2019, 10:39 PM   #4653
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Y’all ever get hi or otherwise on sleep deprivation?

Wasn’t my choice but got a big humid sack of fecund nugs of sleep depro last couple nites

Playin some okami and literally honestly just let’s face it can’t tell if im hallucinate or is it just this silly dogs crafty magic makin me trip balls all over my switch
yeah after like 40 hours or so i start to get manic. i haven't had this happen in quite a while though

 
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Old 08-21-2019, 10:43 PM   #4654
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Is the mania like the body’s like

Ok we gotta go all in right now, cause clearly there’s an emergency or otherwise we woulda nightnight, so let’s do this VROOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH

Like if a large cat was hunting u for days in oldentimes, u could use that manic energy to clamber over those rocks

 
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Old 08-21-2019, 11:38 PM   #4655
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Is the mania like the body’s like

Ok we gotta go all in right now, cause clearly there’s an emergency or otherwise we woulda nightnight, so let’s do this VROOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH

Like if a large cat was hunting u for days in oldentimes, u could use that manic energy to clamber over those rocks
something like that i'm assuming, yeah. definitely neurotransmitter-mediated. that's the one thing humans having going for us in those situations. we don't run that fast but damn can we run for a long time.

lookie research: https://medcraveonline.com/SMDIJ/SMDIJ-02-00038.pdf

they call it IIBMPE lol

 
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Old 08-21-2019, 11:43 PM   #4656
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Sleep deprivation has had me putting cell phones in the fridge and milk in the pantry. Oh yeah.

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:02 AM   #4657
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i'd rather read one new post a week.
you can. it's entirely up to you what you read and what you skip.

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 06:49 AM   #4658
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you so clever like that, bram.

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 07:10 AM   #4659
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Sarcasm works a tad bit better when you say the opposite of what's true.

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 08:39 AM   #4660
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totally but i was serious

:|

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 09:42 AM   #4661
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so here's what went down. […] we had a good time
What I'm not seeing in here is any mention of you aggressively negging her or being forceful or wearing a distinctive hat, so I'm not sure how you come away saying you had a good time

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 09:50 AM   #4662
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Sleep deprivation has had me putting cell phones in the fridge and milk in the pantry. Oh yeah.
Just wait til u start putting the pie in the bouncer and the baby in the oven


 
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Old 08-22-2019, 10:09 AM   #4663
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you so clever like that, bram.
You're the cleverest of all, by far

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 10:41 AM   #4664
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Just wait til u start putting the pie in the bouncer and the baby in the oven

Ah, when you're so high off of sleep deprivation that you get the munchies for a "California Cheeseburger."

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 11:10 AM   #4665
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Weed is saving me from an existence of emaciation.

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 02:14 PM   #4666
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You're the cleverest of all, by far
Sarcasm works a tad bit better when you say the opposite of what's true.

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 02:17 PM   #4667
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fuck the slice, want the pie

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 02:24 PM   #4668
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Sarcasm works a tad bit better when you say the opposite of what's true.
totally but he was serious

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 02:45 PM   #4669
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:|

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:10 PM   #4670
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CUT! & that's a picture wrap for FoolOfATook, yo soy el mejor, & Disco King. see you all next week for the new shoot!

 
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Old 08-22-2019, 11:31 PM   #4671
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Thanks, yeah, life is so much better now. I'm actually getting to some deeper work after all this time. I've been with my therapist since 2011 and we're just now really getting there, lol. But I'm trying really hard.


I'm sorry to hear that. I think I was overpowered before my one involuntary hospitalization (I had lots of voluntary), but I don't remember it. They definitely drugged me and I woke up in a concrete room wearing a hospital gown having no idea where I was. It was some kind of holding tank, there were a few other rooms with other patients and a nursing station in the middle. They wouldn't give me my medicine (non-narcotic psych meds) and it was a good thing I knew my mom's phone number because they would only let me use this one phone to call somebody. Then I got transferred to another hospital and no one came to visit me so I wore one pair of clothes for like 5 days. Fun times.

I had a dream once where I spoke to "the devil" and it told me that I was pure evil and his pawn. This is when I was living with my ex or whatever you want to call him. It was like a 5 minute exhaustion dream because he'd keep me up for a long time and he'd get so pissed off at me if I fell asleep. So I tried not to fall asleep but it still happened.
THat's so amazing that you're getting to that stuff now....I think I'm going to have to wait until the kids have left home because it's really more survival until then. I can live vicariously through you though, and sort of hope that something similar is in my future!! It's really awesome to see all the ways you've changed even since I arrived here in 2012.

Your involuntary hospitalisation sounds really dodgy and horrible, I'm so sorry to hear about that....I was awake for all of mine but in some ways I guess I laid down more minutes of memories, and I was so upset that day. I really didn't want to go. They came right into my bedroom, my only safe space in the entire world, touched me where I lay on my bed, curled up hoping they would go away, and then lifted me from it by force, four or so adults, and basically carried me out to the ambulance. I was living in this shithole halfway house that was huge, maybe even 40 rooms or so. People were standing in the doors of their shitty bedrooms watching me as I was carried past. And then they locked me in the psych ward for 2 weeks. All that stuff is buried so deep now...I meet new people all the time and just have no idea how to be a normal person, carrying those sorts of secrets and not really wanting to share.

One day I'll get to dealing with all that stuff..and the stuff that put me in that situation in the first place. Not for a while....

But it truly does give me so much hope for my own future, to know you are starting that process now...thanks for sharing and giving me that hope... <3

 
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Old 08-23-2019, 12:25 AM   #4672
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THat's so amazing that you're getting to that stuff now....I think I'm going to have to wait until the kids have left home because it's really more survival until then. I can live vicariously through you though, and sort of hope that something similar is in my future!! It's really awesome to see all the ways you've changed even since I arrived here in 2012.

Your involuntary hospitalisation sounds really dodgy and horrible, I'm so sorry to hear about that....I was awake for all of mine but in some ways I guess I laid down more minutes of memories, and I was so upset that day. I really didn't want to go. They came right into my bedroom, my only safe space in the entire world, touched me where I lay on my bed, curled up hoping they would go away, and then lifted me from it by force, four or so adults, and basically carried me out to the ambulance. I was living in this shithole halfway house that was huge, maybe even 40 rooms or so. People were standing in the doors of their shitty bedrooms watching me as I was carried past. And then they locked me in the psych ward for 2 weeks. All that stuff is buried so deep now...I meet new people all the time and just have no idea how to be a normal person, carrying those sorts of secrets and not really wanting to share.

One day I'll get to dealing with all that stuff..and the stuff that put me in that situation in the first place. Not for a while....

But it truly does give me so much hope for my own future, to know you are starting that process now...thanks for sharing and giving me that hope... <3
That sounds terrible, I'm sorry. Even with my involuntary I had gone to the hospital myself, but I became unresponsive because of flashbacks and that's the last thing I remember. My friend Scott (who died a few years ago) took me and I wanted to go voluntary inpatient at the place next door the next morning (no admissions during the night), but that didn't happen obviously. They didn't take involuntary admissions or overnight ones. I was there some other times though and they both helped me a ton and really hurt me. I got to some good work with them but it was also much too fast and opened me up to some traumatization from other patients who turned out to be predators, and all around it was a mixed experience for sure.

And a 40 room halfway house? Dude... what the hell. That's a halfway hotel or something. It's residential mental health housing at that point. Doesn't sound ideal to me.

Feel free to live vicariously through me. I've been working still. Today we talked about what my therapist will do if I start uncontrollably ugly/grief crying. Like, will she sit near me, will she hug me or touch me in any way, etc. It was helpful. I don't know if I brought up on here before but there was one other time I had written something on here and showed it to her and it made her cry, and she sat next to me and we both cried, it was good. And then one other time she was trying to convince me to go to a conference with her (not together but like, we'd both be there, it was a few hours away), and she said part of the reason she wants to go is so she can help me if I go, and I instinctively said "why would you want to do that" and she got really sad all of a sudden and cried a bit. We talked about it today and she said it broke her heart a little, that I felt that way, why would anyone want to help me. I mean, I know she wants to help me, but doing stuff out of therapy time I guess was unthinkable to me. Really anybody putting effort into me like that.

Anyway, good things going on. I also told her the other day that I heard in my head that I needed to stop being a little bitch and start feeling things already. It was kind of mortifying/hilarious.

 
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Old 08-25-2019, 01:33 PM   #4673
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so here's what went down. we met up at a kind of fancyish bar and ordered beer and oysters. she is extroverted, smart, and funny. she is from Brazil, and has picked up fluent English in two years of living here. The conversation was natural and easy, no awkwardness. We found out we have plenty in common, similar worldviews, and both love marijuana. she told me I am more attractive in person than in my pictures. she also ordered a second beer, which I interpreted as a good sign because she doesn't really like drinking very much. when it came time to pay, I offered to get the bill. she then offered to pay for herself. I said I was never sure what to do in this situation and she suggested that if I picked up the tab this time and she will get it next time. I walked her to her car and it didn't feel like the right moment to try and initiate a kiss, so we just hugged and said it was nice to meet each other and we had a good time
You are good looking in your photos. You are better looking in person, though, probably just because you don't put a lot of effort into curating your selfies. I think men typically do a poorer job of building dating profiles because of this

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Old 08-25-2019, 01:44 PM   #4674
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I broke up with one of my partners a few weeks ago and it's been harder for me to deal with than I thought it would be. I loved her. But she wasn't dealing well with me being poly, and could not understand why I did not want a primary partner. She would get depressed and hurt when she knew I was on a date with someone else. And she had started to set boundaries with me that I could not abide by. Things like I couldn't mention the names of any of my ex's or other partners when I was with her. I have another partner I've been seeing since last year, and I am very close with several of the people I used to date. My best friend here in DC is an ex.

What bothered me the most was that simply being in a relationship with me was hurting her. So I had to end it. We had been dating for approximately 5 months.

Over the last few weeks she had very rough time with me breaking up with her. Her therapist tired to get her to voluntarily commit herself to a mental health facility. I know she was threatening to kill herself. Two of our common friends have cut ties with me.

I never lied to her. Being poly and my other relationships were always known to her. And she told me over and over that she was OK with that and had been in poly relationships before.


..

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Old 08-25-2019, 01:51 PM   #4675
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the good thing is that I started dating someone new. She and I have a lot in common, despite the fact that she's 18 years younger than me. LOL Both of us like/want a relationship where we see each other on a limited basis and don't put expectations on each other for more time/energy.

Our first date was a meet-up to have coffee, which kind of just continued on all day and ended up including a museum visit and then dinner and then drinks.

 
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Old 08-25-2019, 03:20 PM   #4676
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You are good looking in your photos. You are better looking in person, though, probably just because you don't put a lot of effort into curating your selfies. I think men typically do a poorer job of building dating profiles because of this
thank you. also thank you for giving real feedback, that makes sense. I think a lot of my selfies get cut short because as soon as I'm just figuring out my angles and shit my friends or fam will call me on taking obvious public selfies like it's shameless of me haha.

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I broke up with one of my partners a few weeks ago and it's been harder for me to deal with than I thought it would be. I loved her. But she wasn't dealing well with me being poly, and could not understand why I did not want a primary partner. She would get depressed and hurt when she knew I was on a date with someone else. And she had started to set boundaries with me that I could not abide by. Things like I couldn't mention the names of any of my ex's or other partners when I was with her. I have another partner I've been seeing since last year, and I am very close with several of the people I used to date. My best friend here in DC is an ex.

What bothered me the most was that simply being in a relationship with me was hurting her. So I had to end it. We had been dating for approximately 5 months.

Over the last few weeks she had very rough time with me breaking up with her. Her therapist tired to get her to voluntarily commit herself to a mental health facility. I know she was threatening to kill herself. Two of our common friends have cut ties with me.

I never lied to her. Being poly and my other relationships were always known to her. And she told me over and over that she was OK with that and had been in poly relationships before.


..
that really sucks. I'm sorry to hear all that. Obviously you did the right thing by ending it, but I know that doesn't make it easier for you, or for her. As long as you never misrepresented yourself though, IMO it's up to the other party to intelligently decide if they are ok with the terms you lay down. jealousy and resentment are relationship killers, and sometimes people don't really know their own needs and boundaries in a relationship. or... are immature enough to enter a situation they don't feel ok with and then either attempt to change you or let the resentment and threat-factors grow.

a few years back when I was doing pretty poorly, I got into a situation with someone who knew I was not interested in sexual exclusivity at the time, said it was ok and she wasn't looking for any kind of commitment necessarily, then we developed more serious feelings for each other and she steadily became more and more jealous and toxic. even though I had laid down the truth for her about other people I was concurrently involved with at the beginning, over time she started to use the closeness of our relationship and the hurt she would feel if I slept with someone else as a wedge between me and what I saw as my freedom to do exactly what I told her I was interested in from the beginning. It got way worse from there, but yeah, just not a good situation to be in. Good on you for ending it when you knew it needed to end. I wish people were less jealous and possessive.

Good to hear you are dating someone new though and that it's going well.

 
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Old 08-27-2019, 06:44 AM   #4677
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i have a dk/rbg/elph story about meeting women but im married so it likely will not end interestingly. there's a tall beautiful new woman at work. the first time i saw her she was giving a group presentation and i automatically asked the woman sitting next to me "who's the girl with the earrings," which in hindsight likely showed my hand. anyway i went to my buddy's office yesterday and turns out she's his officemate. i sat down and nodded to her and my buddy asked "how's it going" and i told the truth i said "well i have to pee a little bit. not enough to go right now but i'm thinking it'll need to happen soon." she was looking at her computer but i saw her smirk. pretty sure i'm in.

 
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Old 08-27-2019, 07:51 AM   #4678
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pretty sure i'm in.
i highly doubt this given your well-documented, past issues with penetration.

 
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Old 08-29-2019, 10:29 AM   #4679
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oh now it's getting juicy... really play this one up for the camera you guys, don't hold back - this shit is airing on HBO!

 
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Old 08-29-2019, 09:43 PM   #4680
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Hi all,

If anybody has any suggestions as far as the best turntable you could get on a $300USD budget goes, letting me know would be very much appreciated.

Kind regards,
buzzard

 
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