Netphoria Message Board


Go Back   Netphoria Message Board > General Boards > General Chat Message Board
Register Netphoria's Amazon.com Link Members List Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-15-2018, 10:40 PM   #3031
ilikeplanets
Braindead
 
ilikeplanets's Avatar
 
Location: Ignore List
Posts: 17,229
Default

Yeah, you're a rare breed in that regard, DK. Maybe that's why some of the women you've attempted to keep as friends have ghosted on you. In my experience, it's hard to assume a man that you've clearly stated that you want to have a strictly platonic relationship with will respect that in the long term...and you wind up with unwanted pictures sent to you when they're drunk, etc. I firmly believe (straight) men and women can be friends, but it can be hard to avoid the plentiful liars.

 
ilikeplanets is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 04:53 AM   #3032
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
I used to have crushes, and have less than reasonable preoccupations with people I hadn't had enough conversations with to justify them. You create this idealized version of them in your head, and you fall in love with that. You never talked to her much until recently, did you? She was just somebody you saw around who caught your eye?

The medicine for this is to get out there and meet new women. You'll get oneitis less often when you realize that there's an abundance of women out there. It's not like you'll never get oneitis again, but at least when you do, it'll be for women you actually went out with and knew well enough to get attached to, rather than to the girl three aisles away with whom you've exchanged four words.

Go out, make friends, chat up anybody you're attracted to and get their number. Or even do Tinder. You and Shallowed are both handsome enough for that shit, at least you'd actually have shots. You're a six-foot-thirteen lean boi with cute, moppy hair. You're the kind of guy who could pull of SLP and Hedi Slimane shit. Not that any of us could afford that, but you can draw influence from certain fashion aesthetics while still only wearing thrifted clothes or mall-tier high-street brands.

The only way to get that abundance mentality, that attitude of "it doesn't matter, because there are plenty of fish in the sea," is to actually go fishing. Don't expect a high response ratio, most numbers will flake. Just get enough numbers that you'll still get a date or two even if you had to talk to thirty women.

I know, "just do it" is easier said than done. Habits are hard to change. But look at me, I have so much social anxiety that I actually had something resembling selective mutism as a kid. I couldn't even eat in public. Having to buy groceries induced severe worry in me.

Now I have some social circles, and just walk up to women every day to chat.

When you've built a bit more confidence and perspective by getting out there to talk to people, try talking to Blue Vesty again. Actually seeing her as a human instead of an idealized, pure porcelain creature you've placed on a pedastal, you might actually get along and become friends if she's cool. And it won't matter that she has a boyfriend, because you'll be content with her platonic friendship.
no I'm just depressed and it's easier to laud after an imaginary construct than to cope, it was perfect for me because I was never going to really talk to her, I hardly find myself with any real attraction to women right now, not any I think would be interested

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 04:54 AM   #3033
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
Wasn't there a time when you were posting on the Oboard about sleeping with the wife of a deployed Air Force guy?
was Navy and so stupid

I was still a teenager in my defense

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 10:11 AM   #3034
Funbags
Apocalyptic Poster
 
Funbags's Avatar
 
Posts: 3,409
Red face

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shallowed View Post
I broke things off with this young woman who was once a pupil of a certain disgraced ex-Netphorian high school teacher

 
Funbags is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 10:13 AM   #3035
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,839
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by queenoftheswine View Post

Thanks for your fair response. I suppose there's all kinds of people out there and you happen to be a reasonable one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ilikeplanets View Post
Yeah, you're a rare breed in that regard, DK. Maybe that's why some of the women you've attempted to keep as friends have ghosted on you. In my experience, it's hard to assume a man that you've clearly stated that you want to have a strictly platonic relationship with will respect that in the long term...and you wind up with unwanted pictures sent to you when they're drunk, etc. I firmly believe (straight) men and women can be friends, but it can be hard to avoid the plentiful liars.
Thanks, guys, I appreciate it. Especially because these kinds of social relationships are new to me, and I am still navigating how to go about pursuing the kinds of things I want while still remaining respectful. For most of my life, I've instinctively linked heterosexual male romantic or sexual interest with chauvinism and treated it as worthy of suspicion, causing me to repress those interests within myself, and feel shameful about them, almost as if feeling attracted to somebody is in itself wrong and objectifying. This implicit obsession with "not being a typical guy," with not being "tainted" by certain desires, just kind of leads to resentment, as you don't strive for things you want, and then wonder why you can't get them despite being a "nice guy."

So now, my project is to be more assertive and pursue the kinds of things I want, like dating, while still being respectful of other's boundaries and dignity. The main challenge outside of my own over-thinking is that everybody has different boundaries, and they don't write them on their t-shirts.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 10:20 AM   #3036
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,839
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
no I'm just depressed and it's easier to laud after an imaginary construct than to cope, it was perfect for me because I was never going to really talk to her, I hardly find myself with any real attraction to women right now, not any I think would be interested
"…not any I think would be interested."

Are you basing that assessment off of real evidence, or are your pessimism and lack of self-esteem just kicking in to convince you that anybody you're interested in could not possibly be interested in you, purely as a defense mechanism so that you don't even have to try?

Have you tried? Have you asked them?

Asking somebody if they are interested isn't always done in a point-blank way. You don't walk down the street and ask somebody, "are you interested in dating me?"

But talking to them, getting into a conversation, seeing how they respond, and then asking to spend time with them later— this is an implicit way of asking "are you interested in me?"

So maybe try asking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
was Navy and so stupid

I was still a teenager in my defense
Ethical issues aside (we'll ignore those right now, because you were a teenager), the fact that you were capable of this meant that you had more game as a teenager than most of us have right now, kid.

Go out and do something similar, except without the unethical infidelity part.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 10:23 AM   #3037
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,839
Default

Texas has a good music scene, doesn't it?

I'm going to give you the one good piece of advice Fuzzyroes (yes, Fuzzy-fucking-roes) has ever given me.

Go to a show, just talk to random other concert-goers, drink some beers with them, whatever. After chatting, ask them if they'd like to hang out sometime, get their numbers, and keep in touch with them.

This actually fucking works.

Works better for making friends, though. I have no idea why, but thus far, shows haven't been as good an environment for getting dates as other environments have been for me (I actually get more just on public transit or other places during the day than at this nighttime social gathering, it's weird), but folks seem to really be down to link up socially and make friends in the local music scene.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 11:06 AM   #3038
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

San Antonio's music scene is shit

the minute a good band is formed they go straight to Austin anyway

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 11:14 AM   #3039
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

I made friends at work but I really don't care now

I'm making tape loop music

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 11:23 AM   #3040
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

tape loop music, leaving myself wide open for a Reznor.jpg

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 11:50 AM   #3041
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,839
Default

Your brain is going to convince you that you need "time to yourself" to get over this.

It's a trap. You'll just spend that time by yourself ruminating and overthinking and focusing on your pain and ultimately feeling worse.

You should use those work friends as support. And make some at school, too.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 12:38 PM   #3042
FoolofaTook
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
FoolofaTook's Avatar
 
Location: Donald Trump of Netphoria
Posts: 37,215
Angry

or you could just buy a pound of dank indica buds and smoke yourself into a profound catatonic state and learn to appreciate doom metal

 
FoolofaTook is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 01:10 PM   #3043
ilikeplanets
Braindead
 
ilikeplanets's Avatar
 
Location: Ignore List
Posts: 17,229
Lightbulb

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
For most of my life, I've instinctively linked heterosexual male romantic or sexual interest with chauvinism and treated it as worthy of suspicion, causing me to repress those interests within myself, and feel shameful about them, almost as if feeling attracted to somebody is in itself wrong and objectifying.
For me, there's absolutely no problem with heterosexual male romantic/sexual interest implicitly, but the problem begins with deceit/dishonesty of intentions and the refusal to accept (or at least respect) no as an answer. But I tend to find a lack of genuineness and over-aggression to be abhorrent traits in almost every single person and situation.

 
ilikeplanets is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 02:19 PM   #3044
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,839
Default

By the way, Elphenor, whatever happened with the thing with the Navy Man's wife? I don't think that I've ever heard the conclusion to that story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FoolofaTook View Post
or you could just buy a pound of dank indica buds and smoke yourself into a profound catatonic state and learn to appreciate doom metal
I also recommend this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ilikeplanets View Post
For me, there's absolutely no problem with heterosexual male romantic/sexual interest implicitly, but the problem begins with deceit/dishonesty of intentions and the refusal to accept (or at least respect) no as an answer. But I tend to find a lack of genuineness and over-aggression to be abhorrent traits in almost every single person and situation.
Yeah, I think that this exists because of the male entitlement baked into traditional masculinity. Some men with these attitudes will become the more obvious boorish jerks. Others will come across as "nice," and even be convinced themselves of it, but will be passive-aggressive and dishonest in their intentions, feeling that their "niceness" entitles them to a particular target's affections.

I think for a long time, I had this either/or, black-and-white way of feeling about male attraction. Either a guy is this non-threatening asexual being, or he's a prurient and disrespectful creep.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 03:33 PM   #3045
redbreegull
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
redbreegull's Avatar
 
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,749
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by queenoftheswine View Post
Is that actually sincere, though? Or would your goal be to bang her, ultimately, though you'll take the friendship if that's all there is?
I'm not trying to be critical or judgemental, I'm just curious to understand how it works because this is one of the few times I've seen a dude show that level of awareness.
one thing I have noticed about the way hetero males look at interpersonal relationships vs. the way hetero females look at relationshiops, especially in the context of the #MeToo era, is that males seem to have rather fluid relationship perceptions with any woman they find attractive. I understand this is a generalization, but for instance, if a woman has a male coworker she finds attractive, in that situation women seem to have a higher capability to relegate that relationship permanently and concretely into the "professional relationship" box. Now say the situation is reversed. Men may respect that the other party doesn't want to be approached romantically, that social decorum looks down on office flirting, and a hundred other reasons it's a bad idea... but to men, that relationship is still always going to hold some small hope that the sexual attraction will transform the relationship into sex.

It's kind of a similar thing to what men perceive as the "friend zone" I guess. Women seem much more willing and able to accept when a possible romantic connection is cut off for some reason, whether either it's your friend's ex, your boss, an old friend from high school or whatever else. To the cis hetero male mind, I think there is ALWAYS this undercurrent of thought that perceives a relationship with someone deemed attractive as transformable into sex. That's just my take, but I think in a general sense it holds some truth, and that is why women are going to be really skeptical of any guy who says he is fine just being friends or whatever else after expressing sexual attraction.

Last edited by redbreegull : 10-16-2018 at 05:15 PM.

 
redbreegull is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 03:35 PM   #3046
redbreegull
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
redbreegull's Avatar
 
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,749
Default

I also think this attitude is furthered by the movie/TV trope of hopeless loser dude winning over girl who is out of his league and initially expresses disdain or lack of interest, but in real life when someone says no the first time you should leave them alone.

 
redbreegull is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 04:22 PM   #3047
Alice
Minion of Satan
 
Alice's Avatar
 
Location: i am volatile, a free spirit, a rogue agent
Posts: 6,254
Default

Y'all like threads about being inebriated and sad?

 
Alice is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 04:23 PM   #3048
buzzard
Minion of Satan
 
buzzard's Avatar
 
Posts: 6,781
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
you can draw influence from certain fashion aesthetics while still only wearing thrifted clothes or mall-tier high-street brands.
I agree with the King.

Getting new clothes is the only answer.

 
buzzard is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 04:31 PM   #3049
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,839
Default


 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 05:45 PM   #3050
queenoftheswine
Demi-God
 
queenoftheswine's Avatar
 
Location: Some area where the Canadian dollar is far more valuable than my own.
Posts: 286
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ilikeplanets View Post
For me, there's absolutely no problem with heterosexual male romantic/sexual interest implicitly, but the problem begins with deceit/dishonesty of intentions and the refusal to accept (or at least respect) no as an answer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
Others will come across as "nice," and even be convinced themselves of it, but will be passive-aggressive and dishonest in their intentions, feeling that their "niceness" entitles them to a particular target's affections.
That is pretty much what I was getting at, just way more eloquently put.
I feel like that "I want it all" attitude is generally more prevalent in males and it tends to come hand in hand with the assumption that they straight up deserve attention from the potential partner/sex-person they might be pursuing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redbreegull View Post
but to men, that relationship is still always going to hold some small hope that the sexual attraction will transform the relationship into sex.
[...]
It's kind of a similar thing to what men perceive as the "friend zone" I guess.
[...]
and that is why women are going to be really skeptical of any guy who says he is find just being friends or whatever else after expressing sexual attraction.
Generalisations aside, I think a lot of it comes down to a misinterpretation of intentions. With a lot of guys, it seems like simple things such as smiling at them, involving them in conversation or just generally being nice to them automatically means "they're in". Then they get confused/aggressive when you mention a partner figure, either towards the person they were pursuing, the partner or both.
I obviously cannot speak for the entire female population of the world, and I'm sure some would disagree, but I feel like maybe women are a little more in touch with that sort of clue and can deal with the "Tough shit. That didn't go as planned. Let's move on." situation more easily and therefore enjoy other aspects of human interaction that don't relate to sex.
The "friend zone" should not be automatically viewed as negative.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyler View Post
Y'all like threads about being inebriated and sad?
Smashing Pumpkins message board.

 
queenoftheswine is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 05:58 PM   #3051
Alice
Minion of Satan
 
Alice's Avatar
 
Location: i am volatile, a free spirit, a rogue agent
Posts: 6,254
Default


 
Alice is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 06:23 PM   #3052
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
got myself a thrift store leather jacket and a Bauhaus Tshirt

well I mean I already had the tshirt

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 06:27 PM   #3053
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

that gif is amazing

damn I miss that version of Spidey

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 07:01 PM   #3054
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default


 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 07:29 PM   #3055
redbreegull
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
redbreegull's Avatar
 
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,749
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by queenoftheswine View Post
Generalisations aside, I think a lot of it comes down to a misinterpretation of intentions. With a lot of guys, it seems like simple things such as smiling at them, involving them in conversation or just generally being nice to them automatically means "they're in". Then they get confused/aggressive when you mention a partner figure, either towards the person they were pursuing, the partner or both.
I obviously cannot speak for the entire female population of the world, and I'm sure some would disagree, but I feel like maybe women are a little more in touch with that sort of clue and can deal with the "Tough shit. That didn't go as planned. Let's move on." situation more easily and therefore enjoy other aspects of human interaction that don't relate to sex.
The "friend zone" should not be automatically viewed as negative.
Yeah, I would say a lot of it is entitlement and lack of awareness, which is at least partly an acculturation issue. Men point out stuff like that a lot, e.g. "she was so kind and smiley, totally flirting with me and acting interested, then when I made a move she changed her mind wtf," but is this just a male thing? Do women not also misinterpret male signals? Is it just that men react worse? Intuitively I want to say yes, but I can't speak for the female experience.

I also see men complain a lot when a women "leads them on" or whatever, meaning she acted interested and then changed tack... but these same men of course have done the same thing to women, and they just feel they have the right to explore a connection, adjust the calculation, and change their mind. I think it's a natural part of meeting people, exploring your options, and dating, but men get upset when women do it to them.

 
redbreegull is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 07:57 PM   #3056
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,839
Default

Studies do show than when making judgements about other people's signals representing interest or not, men are more likely to make false-positive errors, and women false-negatives.

Except at least one study I've looked at showed the reverse relationship when it comes to men and women in long-term relationships. Men often don't pick up on sexual hints from their female partners, and women might misinterpret behaviour from their male partners as sexual. Kinda funny how it works the opposite way when you're already a couple.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 07:58 PM   #3057
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,839
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
got myself a thrift store leather jacket and a Bauhaus Tshirt

well I mean I already had the tshirt
Yeah man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
that gif is amazing

damn I miss that version of Spidey
Yeah, I haven't seen the new Spidey stuff, but the Raimi movies had charm.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 11:48 PM   #3058
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

I befriended a white guy with dreads and obtained a metaphorical candy shop of substances for someone who isn't me

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2018, 11:51 PM   #3059
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,288
Default

college, man

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2018, 12:08 AM   #3060
buzzard
Minion of Satan
 
buzzard's Avatar
 
Posts: 6,781
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
I befriended a white guy with dreads
Why would you go and do a thing like that?

 
buzzard is offline
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Google


Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Something I have noticed... rottenugly General Chat Archive 38 04-17-2012 04:25 PM
my very original ask me questions thread dr.benway General Chat Archive 27 08-04-2009 05:26 PM
biggest board loser (with poll) dean_r_koontz General Chat Archive 198 05-07-2008 05:20 PM
I didn't realize people on this board were actually smashing pumpkin fans. I Ate My Hamster General Chat Archive 29 06-12-2007 11:49 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:45 AM.




Smashing Pumpkins, Alternative Music
& General Discussion Message Board and Forums
www.netphoria.org - Copyright © 1998-2022