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Old 02-06-2008, 08:04 PM   #1
sickbadthing
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Default Guys, I need your help. No joking around this time.

My father was abusive growing up. He was an alcolholic and beat my mother and me. Growing up I swore I would never end up like my father. He was a bastard and I hated him. Now I'm married with a 3 year old daughter. Our marriage is on the rocks right now. We have a hard time paying bills, ect, and it makes our marriage more stressful. I was drinking alcolhol watching the football game a couple nights ago when my wife walked in angry. She was mad that I was relaxing after a long days work and that I wasn't taking care of our daughter. (Wife works till 2pm, picks up daughter from daycare, cleans house, ect.) she was yelling at me and it pissed me off, i work hard to pay for our home, bills, clothes, ect, and I was feeling unappreciated. Well....I slapped her. I feel bad, and humiliated. I can't look at myself and feel good. I'm turning into my father. My wife took my daughter and drove to her parents to stay the night. She said she won't come home. What can i do?

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:07 PM   #2
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mirrar quit netphoria.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:07 PM   #3
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free toby

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:08 PM   #4
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tinwop

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:08 PM   #5
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You remind me of my father.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:09 PM   #6
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how many hours a day/how many days a week does your wife work?

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:10 PM   #7
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10-2 5 days a week

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:12 PM   #8
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Do you feel like she was way out of line by yelling at you, or was the slap a pressured reaction?

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:12 PM   #9
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Start playing for the other team.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:14 PM   #10
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wow, some ballheads are actually buying this

good job sbt

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:14 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suncrashesdown View Post
Do you feel like she was way out of line by yelling at you, or was the slap a pressured reaction?
Pressured reaction like I forgot to loosen the steam valve in my wrist before she started yapping at me?

I don't know. I'm all alone now and the house is really getting dirty and I'm sick of eating fast food every meal.

I wish she knew just how much I appreciated her.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:25 PM   #12
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Simple answer if you are really concerned go into therapy.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:32 PM   #13
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Unfortunately I don't have the money or the time for therapy. I make most of my money as an eBay go between, where I sell goods on eBay for people and take a percentage of the profit. I can spend as much as 12 hours a day purchasing and delivering goods.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:33 PM   #14
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i wonder what steven hardcastle would say to a situation like this. he usually has the answers for the tough situations

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:41 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sickbadthing View Post
Unfortunately I don't have the money or the time for therapy. I make most of my money as an eBay go between, where I sell goods on eBay for people and take a percentage of the profit. I can spend as much as 12 hours a day purchasing and delivering goods.
You would be surprised the help that's out there for low cost or even free if you start looking around. If you are really concerned I would look around now before something bad happens, if you do it again and she calls the cops you will have all the costs of getting arrested plus you will be forced into anger management by the court which you will have to pay for. I'm sure there must at least be some sort of support group in your community that you can contact.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:44 PM   #16
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Community mental health centers usually operate on a sliding fee scale.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:45 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by wHATcOLOR View Post
i wonder what steven hardcastle would say to a situation like this. he usually has the answers for the tough situations
he would teach him how to hit the g spot and his wife would forgive him for ever slapping her.
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:52 PM   #18
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:52 PM   #19
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he would teach him how to hit the g spot and his wife would forgive him for ever slapping her.
Every time I see your sig a small piece of my heart dies.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:10 PM   #20
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You would be surprised the help that's out there for low cost or even free if you start looking around. If you are really concerned I would look around now before something bad happens, if you do it again and she calls the cops you will have all the costs of getting arrested plus you will be forced into anger management by the court which you will have to pay for. I'm sure there must at least be some sort of support group in your community that you can contact.
Ugh. That really is just going to take too much time and effort though.

I'm thinking that what I really need to do is beg her to come back and apologize for everything that I've done. I'm going to get her flowers and take her out to dinner and try to do everything possible I can to win back her trust. I'm thinking that if I mess up and slap her again, and if I really think that she's going to leave me for good, that I keep a small handgun in my smoking jacket. That way I can just put a pillow over her head while she's sleeping and shoot her in the head. If I can bury her in the back yard before the kid gets up. This love and marriage crap is really difficult to figure out how to do. I mean, I never knew women complained so much and it only gets worse once you put a ring on their finger. And then there's the kid and the noise she makes and the messes and all that.

GOD I NEED A DRINK. I NEED TO HIT AND DRINK AND PUNCH THE ONES I LOVE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:15 PM   #21
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fuck the pain away.

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:28 PM   #22
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give'er kiss

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:43 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sickbadthing View Post

GOD I NEED A DRINK. I NEED TO HIT AND DRINK AND PUNCH THE ONES I LOVE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
describes my life perfectly!

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 11:27 PM   #24
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Now that you've revealed your plan on a message board you're pretty much fucked













Bury her in the front yard now and your ass is golden

 
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Old 02-06-2008, 11:36 PM   #25
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I can relate. My dad is just like yours. I have a restraining order from him! If you have been a good husband and father, im sure she will forgive you. my dad has been through 4 wives, he is a horrible person, and i hate it when people say my legal last name. I cant wait until im old enough to change my name! He is always abusive though. Im sure that this problem will pass on for you. Just lay off the alcohol.

Don't use your problems growing up with the way you behaved toward your wife. You can control yourself. And, you should share in the care of your child, it was only a game on tv - tape it if you have to. You can try telling your wife that you will never again drink in the house, in her presence or that of your child, and that you love her. You need to clean up your act.

* 1 year ago
The only way she will believe that you are going to change is if you get help. You really need to agree to get counseling to work through this to prove to her that you will make the effort to change.
It's hard to break out of that kind of cycle, but if you want to, you can do it.


Read what you have wrote.Sorry,but it sounds more like an excuse than an apology.You gave all kinds of reasons for doing what you did.I use to do the same thing.I could have wrote this very same letter,word for word.You probably don't want this advice,but I tried really hard to stop this behavior.You might do better if you (completely quit drinking),but for me I had to go a step further,but it was worth it.I became a Christian,my wife did to.That was six years ago and I swear I to you,I never knew me and my wife could love one another the way we do.One other thing,you can be a good man,or you wouldn't have wrote this.

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Stop making excuses for your behaviour it won't change the fact that you abused her. You need to get into a anger management program asap to show her that you're willing to admit you have a problem and are taking the initiative to get help for it. You can find programs through churches and social services.
You cannot expect her to immediately start trusting you again. It will take time for her to get to that point and then only by the responsibility you're willing to take. If you rush her and pressure her you will only be showing her that you don't have patience and understanding of her reluctance. Good Luck

Bullshit, no excuses, if you dont want to hurt anybody.. then don't

My father was abusive to us to physically, and emotionally and he didn't drink. It's going to be hard, but cut out the alcohol first and foremost, get counseling. because I don't know if she called the police or not this is a severe thing if it gets on your record.
If you get angry, go to your room, walk outside, but for pete's sake don't hit your wife or daughter.

You are not your dad, you are you. As a woman, I know how annoying it can be watching your man tune out the rest of the world and his responsibilities by watching a game, but that doesn't mean it is OK for her to yell at you. Men have feelings, too, and the one that most men feel Ok expressing is anger. Few men will cry if you yell at them. You should tell her this. Tell her about your struggle to be a good dad and your need to destress at these times in your life where you are very stressed about your financial situation. Tell her that it is not fair for her to think it is OK to push you to the breaking point and then run away with the kids. You have already conceded that it was wrong that you slapped her, but let her know that you really do love her and that you need her love more than ever. You want to be a good father and you want to be a success as a husband and father. You don't want to fail like you may feel your father did. Rather than worry about her coming home - you need to think about yourself. Is your drinking out of control? Are you having problems controlling your anger? Do you and your wife regularly talk bad to each other? If so, you need to think about how you are going to control your tendencies. No one is perfect, we all must work each day at being our best person, and you can look around you to see that there is as much success as failure in this world. But if you really love her, let her know. Let her know that things got out of control and that you are very sorry. Let her know how you are working towards change (church, therapy, jogging, etc) and how she can help you by not doing things to make you lose it. Give her the control to come home when she is ready. Tell her that you will be patient and wait for her. Last, learn to use your hands to love her by giving her massages, and combing her hair, or giving her a bath. Think about other ways to show each other love in these hard times in your life. You are so lucky to have love - some of us don't - take the opportunity to share it!


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Tell her your sorry. Do something to make it up to her. Talk to her.

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iam no expert!
iam 23 year old woman married. I would say at least you relieze you were wrong that is a good first step! Second its probably good your wife left iam sure you dont want your daughter growing up in the same way you were! I would give her some cooling off time! i lived with two abusive parents. So i thought that was how people should act so i got into a abusive relationship till i was beaten with a bat i reliezed it was worng!!! Yes you were wrong very wrong!! but if you want to change then that is good. I would give her a few days and then contact her try to meet with her just her so you two can talk you might ant to get some counseling i know you dont have much money but there are usually free counselors to talk to for you and for your marriagebeacuse marriage is the best thing in the world! And if you both want it to work counseling is a good thing. It will also help you about your father beacuse iam sure it still affects you. I hope that for you and your families sake everything works out. my prayers are with all of you

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Please, find professional help. Go talk to a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a therapist... talk to a professional ASAP. You need help and she needs help too. There is no excuse for hurting people, and you know this... this is very serious. I am sorry to hear about your situation!

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Go seek therapy and tell her that you're committed to change for the better. Have a heart to heart talk to her and let her know what triggers this kind of anger inside of you. You should apologize sincerely and tell her you love her and want her back, and would like to make your marriage work.

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im so sorry to hear u did that..butttt it does sound like ur trying to excuse yourself from ur behavior. my husband also went thru a bad childhood and i cant take any more exuses for his drug habit , anger and acoholism...no excuses..common sense..if u know what it feels like to be abuse and neglected from someone you loved and lokked up to, THAN why would u do it to ur loved ones. if your child picks up those bad habits than ur just contining the cycle...like i told my husband..BREAK THE CYCLE!!!!!! no excuses..help is there only if u really want it and want to change for yourself, to be a better father and dad than what u had as a child....please dont hit her again if u do really love her...if change isnt wasnt going to happen real soon , let her go , try to be a father and let your wife find a REAL man that deserves her and wants a family.

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First of all, if you're thinking about it, don't blame your behavior on your father's abusiveness. You're your own person; only you have control over your life. It's not his fault you hit your wife - it's your own. Secondly, I don't blame her for not wanting to come back. YOU HIT YOUR WIFE. Would you want to come back? There is absolutely no reason why you should've done that. There's no reason in any way that anyone should go straight to violence. You should've talked to her. Told her how you feel. Yes, this sounds like weakness and stupid, but there's a reason why women are smarter then men - we use our HEADS, not our FISTS. You should have gripped the arms of the chair, taken a deep breath a few times, and then shut your eyes. Think: how can I solve this problem without fighting? Sure, you had a few drinks - that still does not have any effect on your behavior. BE A MAN - USE SELF CONTROL. Now, you want her back you say? Then fess up and take responsibility!!! Go to counselling for a few months. No, not psychology, but range. Instead of getting fat in front of the TV every day after work, go to the gym. Take up a hobby to get the stress out of you. Take up kickboxing, karate, horseback riding, running, SOMETHING that gets you moving! This will make you stronger and increase your health and lower stress TRUMENDOUSLY. You'll have more brain power and lots more reason to feel relaxed. Then, talk to her. Invite her to a public resturant where you two can talk. Don't rush her into this. Give her weeks if she needs it. You've hurt her more than you know; she's probably a drama queen - she'll soak this up. Give her time.

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It takes two to raise a family, especially when two work. It sounds to me like you would rather drink than help out. I hope you feel real bad about slapping her. A woman, man, or child was not put here to abuse one another. You may be your fathers son, but you don't have to act like him. I hope you learn something from her leaving you, weather she comes back or not. If you slap her once, what will you do the next time? If she comes back?

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OK bud you know whats wrong now fix the problem. A million sorry's will not be enough, and actions speak louder than words. go on your own and get help. Call someone look on the net
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domest... try that one. if you don't get help now it will only get worse. May i recommend cut the Booze out. If you get help by your self then maby you have a chance bro. Be safe and be patent with her. the situation is bad for everyone. but Counseling is now a must. Good luck.

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First of all, I think you should check your local phonebook and get some counseling sessions scheduled....you will not be able to beat this without it.
You are taking the first step by admitting that this is wrong and I think thats an excellent start for you.
Just because you had an abusive father doesnt mean that you have to follow in his footsteps and you dont want your little girl growing up afraid of you. So please get the help that you need and then try to put your family back together You can also ask your wife to go to counceling with you for your relationship. Good luck and I hope all works out well for you.

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YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THE PAST. Since you father was an abusive husband and you did not like it you should be doing everything you can not to be like him.
My philisophy is never Hit a Woman, period. If your life is at stake and she is about to kill you that is one thing but otherwise hands off. Men are more powerful and stronger (women stronger with the tongue)and can really hurt a women even kill her with one hand if the blow is hard enough or she falls and hits something.
So it is never worth that risk. And you are creating hate for you.
This women has given her life to you and a child. Respect that.

Go get counseling or go to anger management. Many times it can be in your genes that you get so angry you can hit. If that is the case you not only need anger management but meds. This is true especially if you flip out. The anger erupts and you have no control.
Call her, tell you are sorry and mean it (a women hates a lier too).
Ask her for your forgiveness and tell her it will never happen again. Ask her to come back and you will do your share. She needs your help and support and love and RESPECT.

Dont turn out like your father. It is a downward spiral and it can get you in jail, prison, or alone. And you are the provider for your family. If you do not have enough money sit down with your wife and work out a plan together to succeed. It is possible but it takes hard work (both of you). Not one can do it alone, it takes two. Stop spending the extra money. Pay bills first. Get out of debt and plan for your future.
Belive me when I say the Future is Now. If not now when?

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Well I'm glad she left! You do need help and help is out there! Get it fast even if it too late to save your marriage, do it for yourself! You are stronger than she is that's not fair!

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No excuse! but rather than telling us.. go to your wife and share how your feeling., your the one that has to re-gain her trust in you..you did it you have to go eat crow.. show up and make peace..

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I bet she will not come back to you. You need to do introspection and stop hating your wife. Make sure to act the way you want to not how your dad used to. You have no right to abuse anybody.

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SEEK GOD MY BROTHER! THEN SEEK THERAPY! U ADMITTED U NEED HELP! HARD PART IS OVER! I'LL PRAY FOR U!

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I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. You must realize that you're making excuses for what you did. And there is none. Apologize and seek help. Anger management, AA, whatever. Do what you have to do to fix this. And promise to never do this again.
I understand how hard it is to raise a family, work all day and deal with all the pressures that go along with it. Everyone goes through this. But the next time you watch a football game, you may want to lay off the booze. It just causes a lot of problems. And it isn't worth hurting your family and losing them. Good luck to you.

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First..your daughter is 3 and what she needs is a great dad.. relax with her, spend time with her.. Stop drinking.. kids love tv watch the game with her? explain stuff to her... kids love learning.. especially from dad and mom.
You should know better than anoyone that a bad parent isnt fun to be raised up under..

As for getting your wife and daughter home, What does she want? ask her not us...
You know what your problem is, thats the first step. now get some real help not us!

btw drinking is expensive it could cut back on bills alot
no drinking = more cash, better parenting, no slapping...
your father beat you, dont let yourself become your father, for your daughters sake!

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First of all the first step is admitting you have a Problem so Congratulations You have completed the first step. 2ND go get help speak to a therapist about your childhood and that you are recognizing signs that you are becoming the same as your father and you want to stop it now before it really escalates. Call and talk to your wife tell her how sorry you are for what you did and that you are seeking help and if she won't talk to you tall to her mother and tell her of your past and that you know what you sis was wrong and that you are seeking help and that you want your wife to understand this but she won't speak to you her mother will talk to her especially if this is the first time. Also get your wife to go to counseling with you it 's the best thing you can do the cycle can end with you make it end with you because Even though you have a daughter who is only 3 she can still pick up this temper and display it at preschool or to her husband when she is older. I wish My first husband had realized his problem and seeked help the way you are doing! I'll pray for you and Good luck and God Bless you and your family

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Been through this abuse and alost died because if my x- husband
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rkilburn410's Avatar by rkilburn...

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You have become your father, and did you not say he was a bastard and you hated him. so why would you expect your wife and child to feel any different, nothing has changed

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bri bri's Avatar by bri bri

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i think that is sad but tell her what happen

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prtiprincess?'s Avatar by prtiprin...

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serves you right you cant it a girl or a women!

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Old 02-07-2008, 12:51 AM   #26
MonteLDS
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http://answers.yahoo.com/question/in...6185048AAATVM6

 
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Old 02-07-2008, 12:57 AM   #27
sickbadthing
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Monte, I taught you how to do that.

 
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Old 02-07-2008, 01:05 AM   #28
fluxequalsrad
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there's all the therapy you need.

 
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Old 02-07-2008, 01:09 AM   #29
redchandelier
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dude seriously, I'd say find a good therapist (someone whose specialty is family violence, more specifically physical/emotional abuse) and work out your father issues....... that is all I can tell you, and if your wife does forgive you and decides to stay with you, I think the best thing for your marriage would be if the two of you went to see therapist together.

 
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Old 02-07-2008, 01:12 AM   #30
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No. I've already decided to kill her if she acts up again.

Read the thread!

 
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