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Old 06-10-2020, 01:59 PM   #1
Ram27
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Default lowkey starting college again. freaking myself the fuck out

i went to a tough school in a tough major right out of high school, had no idea what i was doing. longtime viewers may recall that eventually i got super lonely, super depressed, developed high octane alcoholism, and stopped caring about anything

took a year or so off. i still wanna finish my degree somehow, so i'm trying to ease into it and not completely fuck up any progress i've made [mentally i'm doing 100x better than 2018]. just started this criminal justice 101 course. It's freaking. me. out.

i'm getting tense and shit all over again. seeing assignments in canvas and all that. i hate being in an environment where i can be evaluated, given value, have that value compared to others', then have to predicate my self-worth on that.

just the FEAR of knowing it's my job to learn a concept by the end of the week, then next week hey guess what motherfucker there's more unfamiliarity you have to familiarize yourself with. ugh. not to mention it's all totally manufactured and artificial -- like if i'm stressed it's because some guy in a shirt put together the course requirements. it's not a 'real' issue like oh shit i don't have enough for rent this month

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 02:01 PM   #2
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also jesus fucking christ i just spent half an hour on my first assignment which was writing like 200 words about personal freedom but i wrote this bitch which is like the exact same length in 5 minutes

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 02:52 PM   #3
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that's cool. i went back to school at 29 and am graduating this year and rolling straight into a graduate public policy program. i was a straight F student starting in 5th grade and barely passed high school cause i was too busy skipping and goofing off. i hated school and homework because i wasn't engaged or challenged so f school. i still hate educational institutions and their exclusivity and upholding of the status quo and educational requirements being a barrier to employment. but these days i can hate school and still bring myself to do the work because it's really just a means to an end. fuck school.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 02:57 PM   #4
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also found out a bad ass professor is being fired because she makes white senior administration uncomfortable. turns out it a trend at our school and some of us are pissed so an email chain spread into creating a coalition. frikken last week of school and this is the first time i've talked to students outside of the classroom.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 03:05 PM   #5
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Congrats on all the progress and good luck. Do you know what you want to do when you graduate? Sorry if that’s an anxiety inducing question

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 03:09 PM   #6
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I often fantasize about doing graduate school but I don’t know. I’m not sure if there’s anything I’d want to study that would be worth the investment. Or maybe I’m just being too rigid about it. I’ve been thinking about this more and more often lately

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 04:29 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ram27 View Post
it's not a 'real' issue like oh shit i don't have enough for rent this month
That's the beauty of it, though. The "real issues" in a job and outside of work are stressful after a couple of years. Compared to worrying and being exhausted, academics is a nice journey where you can read stuff you'll never have the time for again.

I went back to uni for the third time, I'll be at least 40 by the time this run is finished. And I already know what courses I'd like to take after that. My mom took courses until she was 70, my brother is also studying again and he's over 50 (mind you, university costs next to nothing there.)

In short, don't freak out, I promise you that you'll look back at your college days in 20 years, wishing you could trade some "real issues" for some assignments.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 05:23 PM   #8
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it's all relative though, isn't it

if this is a big factor of stress for ram, those words aren't gonna help him, I'm afraid

instead he should address his inner stress with the words

ENOUGH!!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 05:26 PM   #9
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STOP RUINING EVERY THREAD


like this? no problem, you fascist!

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 05:28 PM   #10
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yes, definitely showing improvement!

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 05:32 PM   #11
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Mod fight!

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 05:36 PM   #12
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Don't be too hard on yourself. If we weren't in the Covid age, I would encourage you to do stuff on campus, but alas. Practice self-care and do stuff that makes you happy, but allocate time for you to do your work as well. I never followed this advice myself (in spring 2017, my last semester of college at the moment, I spent an absurd amount of time high and eating junk food or asleep), but I definitely should have. Don't be like Squish Squash or you'll end up obsessively posting about how amazing the former bassist for a no longer relevant 90s alternative rock band is.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 05:47 PM   #13
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I don't know what advice to give, because I used to be smart and university came so easy to me that I was like, "how is any of this supposed to be hard?" I felt more like a trained seal than somebody doing anything important because it was all to easy to be meaningful.

Then my depression caught up with me and I because dumb and couldn't complete shit. The difficulty of the material did not change. I understood everything. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything.

Then in my last semester, I pulled shit together and got good marks again.

I wish I could give you solid tips like, "make a schedule, follow a timetable, highlight notes in this specific way," but honestly, none of that shit worked for me because any strategy I'd try to employ to tackle my procrastination just became an extra step that I'd procrastinate on, pushing the problem back a step. In the end, either I did something or I didn't. There was no magic trick that helped me.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 05:51 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
I don't know what advice to give, because I used to be smart and university came so easy to me that I was like, "how is any of this supposed to be hard?" I felt more like a trained seal than somebody doing anything important because it was all to easy to be meaningful.

Then my depression caught up with me and I because dumb and couldn't complete shit. The difficulty of the material did not change. I understood everything. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything.

Then in my last semester, I pulled shit together and got good marks again.

I wish I could give you solid tips like, "make a schedule, follow a timetable, highlight notes in this specific way," but honestly, none of that shit worked for me because any strategy I'd try to employ to tackle my procrastination just became an extra step that I'd procrastinate on, pushing the problem back a step. In the end, either I did something or I didn't. There was no magic trick that helped me.
Holy shit I empathize with this so much man. I feel like I've become significantly dumber than I was in high school (I'm 27) because of my mental illnesses. I'm sorry depression is something you have to deal with, but I'm glad you were able to persevere and finish college. I hope you're still getting help for it or helping yourself at the least.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 05:58 PM   #15
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yes, same here. couldn't bring myself to do anything because of depression, had to quit it even because it was only getting worse.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 06:26 PM   #16
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yes, same here. couldn't bring myself to do anything because of depression, had to quit it even because it was only getting worse.
Same. Sometimes you gotta quit to save yourself. BTW, I think there's probably a strong correlation between struggling with depression and being a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 06:29 PM   #17
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am i the only one that assumed squish squash was like 15

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 06:33 PM   #18
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am i the only one that assumed squish squash was like 15
I mean that's probably a pretty accurate age for me emotionally.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 06:35 PM   #19
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Same. Sometimes you gotta quit to save yourself. BTW, I think there's probably a strong correlation between struggling with depression and being a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins.
after having been on this forum for over 20 years (LOL! Shoot me in the face asap!) I can pretty much say that's a fact.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 06:38 PM   #20
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I just reread what I wrote and I'm gonna squish squash my face with a steamroller. Brb

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 06:41 PM   #21
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It's even stronger than the correlation between struggling with depression and singing in the Smashing Pumpkins.

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 08:47 PM   #22
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Congrats on all the progress and good luck. Do you know what you want to do when you graduate? Sorry if thatís an anxiety inducing question
Thanks! Yeah thatís kinda tricky. first time at school the stuff I enjoyed a lot was sports broadcasting, but thatís a whole emotional/actual mess because iím a dumbass. i lowkey wanna do some sort of something with this criminal justice thing ó be like someone who helps people that have gotten fucked by the system

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I often fantasize about doing graduate school but I donít know. Iím not sure if thereís anything Iíd want to study that would be worth the investment. Or maybe Iím just being too rigid about it. Iíve been thinking about this more and more often lately
yeah i totally feel that. iím interested in lots of things but once they get a certain level of complicated i stop caring. unless i can major in SP live bootlegs.

actually shit even that would suck. finals week i have 3 papers like Ďwhatís the best live drum sound from 1996 and whyí and i have like 50 tabs open to remo and archive.org and shit

Quote:
Originally Posted by pavementtune View Post
That's the beauty of it, though. The "real issues" in a job and outside of work are stressful after a couple of years. Compared to worrying and being exhausted, academics is a nice journey where you can read stuff you'll never have the time for again.

I went back to uni for the third time, I'll be at least 40 by the time this run is finished. And I already know what courses I'd like to take after that. My mom took courses until she was 70, my brother is also studying again and he's over 50 (mind you, university costs next to nothing there.)

In short, don't freak out, I promise you that you'll look back at your college days in 20 years, wishing you could trade some "real issues" for some assignments.
ha, thank you, i hope.

my brain is built weird like that - totally able to romanticize what it canít have ó yesterday i went to my normal job and it felt fucking trivial compared to normal, just because i knew i had to go home after and start academic stuff

Quote:
Originally Posted by Squish Squash View Post
Don't be too hard on yourself. If we weren't in the Covid age, I would encourage you to do stuff on campus, but alas. Practice self-care and do stuff that makes you happy, but allocate time for you to do your work as well. I never followed this advice myself (in spring 2017, my last semester of college at the moment, I spent an absurd amount of time high and eating junk food or asleep), but I definitely should have. Don't be like Squish Squash or you'll end up obsessively posting about how amazing the former bassist for a no longer relevant 90s alternative rock band is.
hey now i spen[t/d] years doing that with jimmy!

thru therapy and stuff i think iíve somehow learned to compartmentalize my feelings and worries about a topic to a particular work session. at least for the last few days. then i just play guitar or some shit to transition my mind away

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 09:04 PM   #23
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i started school again at i think 28 or something like that.

i really enjoyed it, but i'm also a perfectionist and got a 4.0 and did honors, etc.

if i ever go back i can't do that shit again to myself. and i don't know if i can do school any other way.

in conclusion: you got dis

 
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Old 06-10-2020, 11:45 PM   #24
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3.7 in the house! probs gonna get bumped up after my final grades tho

haha grades are dumb, but it's just like doing well in a game with yourself or some junk

 
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Old 06-11-2020, 12:11 AM   #25
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yes, completely pointless, especially since i didn't go to graduate school

 
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