how to not die inside from depression?

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by reprise85

people have this idea that SSRIs etc make them "not themselves" but it's really that it makes you more of yourself, imo, when you get the right one.

this was exactly my fear because of bad experiences with older medicines that would seemingly make me feel worse, or make me unable to feel anything at all. but with trintellix, there are no negative cognitive side effects. Upset stomach sometimes, but never anything like sexual dysfunction or increased suicidal ideations or anything severe

[reprise85]

yeah my first experience was with prozac when i was around 13 and it made me really angry, almost aggressively so

[Ram27]

Hey, thanks for your posts reprise. That's exactly it, I'm not trying my hardest because of the depression, and that's killing me inside, which makes me more depressed.

I was prescribed wellbutrin but never took it because i was scared of the side effects. might as well try rn. i know this is probably trivial but i'm so fucking scared that i can't even motivate myself to play drums anymore.

thing is, those meds take a few months to start working, and i don't have a few months

[reprise85]

wellbutrin is actually an exception to that rule (and it's usually a couple weeks). it's an NDRI so it doesn't act directly on serotonin. the norepinephrine effects only take a few days. when I switched from an SSRI to an SNRI I felt better in about 3 days

[yo soy el mejor]

you're not fucking anything up. it sounds like you wish you practiced more and would like to be better at filming baseball. but there is a reason you're taking a class. do you think it's helping at all?

[reprise85]

Originally Posted by Ram27

thing is, those meds take a few months to start working, and i don't have a few months

also, even if wellbutrin doesn't work for you and you try something else, time is going to pass regardless. feeling better in a few months vs never feeling better, not a tough call. but like i said, very good chance of feeling at least a little better in less than a week with wellbutrin

[yo soy el mejor]

i mean, it's not called badlybutrin.

[yo soy el mejor]

freak out (let it go)

[FlamingGlobes]

If a tree falls down in the forest and no on is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

[redbreegull]

does the pope shit in the woods?

[FoolofaTook]

is a bear a catholic?

[Ram27]

Thanks a ton guys. I really appreciate it.

We have band practice today at 6. I...don't even want to go because I'll fuck it up

I'm finding myself doing the whole Jimmy C 'not showing up to stuff' thing. Except I'm not Jimmy, I'm me. I'm not a good enough drummer or person to justify any of this shit; I hope they kick me out at this point. This isn't a not showing up to record Siamese Dream thing, this is a not showing up to practice fucking basic shit for a 10 minute set at some fraternity thing. I can't even handle that anymore.

I have these weird delusions of grandeur where I hold myself to impossible standards. I'm trying to drum like Jimmy fucking Chamberlin, I'm trying to direct baseball like [this girl I have a huge crush on]. Maybe in high school I could believe I was good enough to do that shit....I'm certainly too fucked right now.

i've drafted out a little message about quitting the band (i'd like to maintain some dignity). sound alright?

Hey guys, I’m incredibly, incredibly sorry about this, but I have to quit the band. Right now I’m not the drummer I know I am, or the drummer I should be. Mental illness is rotting my brain and I just can’t sit down and learn John Mayer tracks right now. That’s impossible to explain with words or sentences but that’s the truth.

It’s not you, it’s me. You’re all ridiculously talented and I know you’ll go far. I know you have shows on Sunday and I know you’ll be incredible. I wish you the absolute best of luck.

[FoolofaTook]

ram slow down. just take it one day at a time.

[FoolofaTook]

how about a cup of coffee instead of that next beer?

do you like edgar allan poe? check this one out:

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only,
Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
On a black throne reigns upright,
I have reached these lands but newly
From an ultimate dim Thule—
From a wild weird clime that lieth, sublime,
Out of SPACE—Out of TIME.

Bottomless vales and boundless floods,
And chasms, and caves, and Titan woods,
With forms that no man can discover
For the tears that drip all over;
Mountains toppling evermore
Into seas without a shore;
Seas that restlessly aspire,
Surging, unto skies of fire;
Lakes that endlessly outspread
Their lone waters—lone and dead,—
Their still waters—still and chilly
With the snows of the lolling lily.

By the lakes that thus outspread
Their lone waters, lone and dead,—
Their sad waters, sad and chilly
With the snows of the lolling lily,—
By the mountains—near the river
Murmuring lowly, murmuring ever,—
By the grey woods,—by the swamp
Where the toad and the newt encamp,—
By the dismal tarns and pools
Where dwell the Ghouls,—
By each spot the most unholy—
In each nook most melancholy,—
There the traveller meets, aghast,
Sheeted Memories of the Past—
Shrouded forms that start and sigh
As they pass the wanderer by—
White-robed forms of friends long given,
In agony, to the Earth—and Heaven.

For the heart whose woes are legion
’T is a peaceful, soothing region—
For the spirit that walks in shadow
’T is—oh, ’t is an Eldorado!
But the traveller, travelling through it,
May not—dare not openly view it;
Never its mysteries are exposed
To the weak human eye unclosed;
So wills its King, who hath forbid
The uplifting of the fring'd lid;
And thus the sad Soul that here passes
Beholds it but through darkened glasses.

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only,
Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
On a black throne reigns upright,
I have wandered home but newly
From this ultimate dim Thule.

[FoolofaTook]

read it aloud, with feeling!

[Ram27]

Originally Posted by FoolofaTook

ram slow down. just take it one day at a time.

must spread rep, but thank you so much

[FlamingGlobes]

I totally get that paralyzing feeling of "I'm not up to my own standards" which can prevent you from doing anything at all. In reality, your best is usually good enough and more than appreciated. I've written some stuff that I thought was mediocre as hell, but then someone'll read it and compliment me. It makes me realize that I can get inside of my own head and beat myself up where it isn't warranted.

We are all our own worst critics. I think you might regret leaving the band at this moment and leaving them in the lurch. Just something to consider.

[slunken]

[yo soy el mejor]

Originally Posted by Ram27

i've drafted out a little message about quitting the band (i'd like to maintain some dignity). sound alright?

did you write that today?

sit on it until tomorrow and then read it again.

[fuzzyroes]

Hey Ram, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling terrible.

I think you probably should quit your band though. You're a good drummer, and drummers are ALWAYS in demand. It's the one musician everyone's looking for.

Being in a band should be a fun thing that you feel enthused about doing.

The main thing about being in a band is that you have to feel like you're making music that you'd personally want to hear. That's ultimately the goal. And if you're not getting that with a group of guys, then there's really no point of trudging forward. Too much of a commitment for not enough of an emotional payback.

[slunken]

Originally Posted by fuzzyroes

Being in a band should be a fun thing that you feel enthused about doing.

Too much of a commitment for not enough of an emotional payback.

+++

[Cool As Ice Cream]

Originally Posted by Ram27

I'm not trying my hardest

don't "try your hardest", it's completely unnecessary.

also, do not send that message to your band members.

[smashingjj]

quit the band only if you're sure they're not worth it. don't worry about how you're playing, just see how much you care for the band yourself

[Shadaloo]

Do yourself a favor: Quit listening to the Pumpkins for like a week and see how you feel, if it changes anything. Try to find other bands that speak to you.

I'm not even kidding. I haven't paid any attention to SP or any of BC's antics in a week. It's been refreshing to be away from miserable music I have too much history and attachment to.

[FlamingGlobes]

lol a week

[FlamingGlobes]

In all seriousness, it's good advice. Ram seems to romanticize Jimmy and his whole tragic drug-addled fuck-up arc a bit too much.

You're not Jimmy, Ram. You're Ram. Or you're whatever the hell your name is.

[FlamingGlobes]

Try and be more like the drummer for Mazzy Star, OK?

[smashingjj]

You're not Jimmy, Ram. You're Shadaloo. Shadaloo.

[smashingjj]

Shadaloo.

[FlamingGlobes]