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Old 06-11-2018, 07:26 PM   #1891
Shallowed
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This shit was clean....bc I've had bad trips in the past...but these trips were so enlightening...I transcended. I just wish I could remember what exactly I realized about the universe at that particular moment....now it's long gone. All I remember during my trip was that it was CONSTANT deja vu....really constant....my sister and friends, we were doing the same things saying the same things....everything happened over and over. I think that tripping some how made my consciousness to transcend which enabled me to witness multiple parallel universes. That's the only explanation I can think of.

 
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Old 06-11-2018, 08:40 PM   #1892
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the latter. i enjoy it too much, and do not like feeling like i am a slave to it, or anything really.

it enables me to turn off feelings of anxiety and depression, and it's effective at that, but it's not without a price and the residue always builds up and snowballs. it anaesthetizes and makes me become unhinged.

i recognize signs of addiction in myself, breaking promises i make to myself, tolerance increasing, it interfering with other areas of life; developing dependency. smoking that bowl a little too eagerly when under stress. that's one of those things Sopranos pinned down really well: how Chris spirals into heroin addiction, first as a weekend release, then a hobby, then a way of dealing, then a crutch.

i'm still open to the idea of using it recreationally, sometimes, but i cannot allow to medicate myself with it like i have been, as that always gradually becomes unhealthy at one point or another. i don't want it to control me, i don't want to be numb. i want to have a clear mind and to be able to just enjoy it from a time to time without exploiting it. use it only because i want to, not because i need to. and to be perfectly honest, based on past experience, i don't know if that is something i can do. they say 10% of the population is at risk to develop addiction to pot; i think i'm squarely in those 10%.

you'd see why i'm reluctant to make any big promises right now, but i'd like to think that i will not pick it up again before i make a clear decision of what frequency of use i'd be willing to put up with and find acceptable and reasonable. then i will be able to know immediately and in certain terms that if i step outside those boundaries, i'm in the red again.
One thing that's helped me recently is to realize that there's no such thing as selective numbing: if you're numbing, that means diminishing both the pains and the pleasures. So you might have less anxieties and discomfort, but you also have less excitement and joy.

For me, the marijuana is about tripping drugs, for fun, in limited quantities, under highly controlled and selective circumstances (mostly in the dark of night when there is no looming responsibility in the next day or two that will require my sharpest of faculties). I love what it does for music. I like experiencing the weirdness of a strange, more contemplative reality for a few hours.

There are a lot of things I hate about it, though. The lack of focus, the inability to make new memories, the nagging sense that if I smoke once during the day i need to do it again once the hi leaves or i'll feel "incomplete" or let down until i go to sleep and wake up and start over.

I do not buy that marijuana is a "safe" drug or that everyone should be vaping it 24/7. I have many weed friends who are totally addicted and can't fathom functioning without it. I think it's very powerful and should be handled carefully.

I wish you the best of luck. You'll make the right decision

 
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Old 06-12-2018, 03:41 PM   #1893
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Is there something about it you no longer enjoy or are you just weary of having any sort of addiction?

I ask because I go through this with drinking sometimes. I rarely ever go beyond 3 beers per evening/two evenings a week, but there's still something about it nagging at me, telling me even this very small routine needs to be curbed. But then, life is pain and it's fun to get a buzz going so \_(ツ)_/

Maybe going all in and doing these things to the point that they damage your work and family life is the way to go.
kind of replying late to this, but.

to be completely honest, me personally, i don't feel like there's anything "wrong" or "bad" about drinking to the extent that you're describing. but, i really respect your honest self examination and willingness to change just because deep down you're not feeling comfortable with that slight dependency, as trivial as it may seem to others around you or even yourself.

are you planning on dropping it altogether, or tone it down? do you have any activities or pastimes you plan on engaging in once you're sober and it's beer-o-clock?
either way, whatever feels like the correct path to you at this point, that's the way to go and based on everything i know about you, i'm sure you're going to stay strong doing so. not that you need my encouragement.

i dunno, for me, finding that elusive sweet spot for the frequency you truly feel comfortable and at peace with is fickle, challenging and hard, and several weeks after making that weed post i still can't say i have reached any better resolution about how i can keep using and feel comfortable and "safe" doing so. but i don't know if i'm ready, or even really want to just stop smoking altogether.

i haven't smoked nor drank since making that last post, and don't plan to until i feel like i have a solid set of soberly predetermined standards to stand by. it may sound stupid but i'm scared of falling into its allure again, and enjoy the good things about it again (of which there really are plenty), and find myself out in nowhere mentally again.

sigh. just like run2pee described, it's just hard loving and hating something so much at the same time.

 
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Old 06-12-2018, 03:44 PM   #1894
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i can feel this narcolepsy
sliiiide...

 
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Old 06-12-2018, 03:46 PM   #1895
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Originally Posted by redbreegull View Post
this weekend I went to alum weekend at my college. I avoided everyone, took acid, and lost my mind for two days. I ran through the woods, snuck into my old dorm and the academic buildings, swam in the river, sat outside in the pouring rain, watched stars and fireflies, and possibly traversed up to 5 or 6 dimensions of space-time. I have slept about 4 hours in the last 2 days, my feet have never been more sore and I am covered in mysterious bruises and abrasions. I also got a few ticks, a serious sunburn, and still haven't felt like eating. yolo?
however, this sounds pretty cool. and kind of like the adventures i'd like to experience at least once in my life.

 
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Old 06-12-2018, 04:59 PM   #1896
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kind of replying late to this, but.

to be completely honest, me personally, i don't feel like there's anything "wrong" or "bad" about drinking to the extent that you're describing. but, i really respect your honest self examination and willingness to change just because deep down you're not feeling comfortable with that slight dependency, as trivial as it may seem to others around you or even yourself.

are you planning on dropping it altogether, or tone it down? do you have any activities or pastimes you plan on engaging in once you're sober and it's beer-o-clock?
either way, whatever feels like the correct path to you at this point, that's the way to go and based on everything i know about you, i'm sure you're going to stay strong doing so. not that you need my encouragement.

i dunno, for me, finding that elusive sweet spot for the frequency you truly feel comfortable and at peace with is fickle, challenging and hard, and several weeks after making that weed post i still can't say i have reached any better resolution about how i can keep using and feel comfortable and "safe" doing so. but i don't know if i'm ready, or even really want to just stop smoking altogether.

i haven't smoked nor drank since making that last post, and don't plan to until i feel like i have a solid set of soberly predetermined standards to stand by. it may sound stupid but i'm scared of falling into its allure again, and enjoy the good things about it again (of which there really are plenty), and find myself out in nowhere mentally again.

sigh. just like run2pee described, it's just hard loving and hating something so much at the same time.
Thanks for the kind words.

I think, ultimately, my goal is to not fall into drinking just to stave off boredom. I plan on working on my writing and maybe even try to leave the apartment a little more often. So often, I fall into the trap of "eh, it's the weekend, I'm tired. I'll just have a few drinks and do nothing." Problem is, all those "nothing" days add up. I'm almost 34 and childless. I'd like to have a personality and some interesting things to talk about and not just count the clock down as pain-free and numb as possible.

Ultimately, I'd like to be able to drink when the occasion calls for it and not just have it be a part of the routine. But first, I need to break the routine.

Also, I totally get what you mean about falling into that trap again. You seem like your eyes are wide open and you've already made steady progress. Keep going, man. You can do it.

 
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Old 06-12-2018, 05:28 PM   #1897
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One thing that's helped me recently is to realize that there's no such thing as selective numbing: if you're numbing, that means diminishing both the pains and the pleasures. So you might have less anxieties and discomfort, but you also have less excitement and joy.
this is something that i could not even begin to fathom until this past year, but it's really true.

 
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Old 06-12-2018, 06:11 PM   #1898
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I dunno, seems like a fair trade, though.

 
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Old 06-12-2018, 08:17 PM   #1899
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yeah. i did the whole drugs thing of course but i'm able to turn off everything with good ole dissociation. and it's definitely true that you get neither when you try to just numb the bad stuff. unfortunately i figured out how to stop the drugs but idk how to start feeling like things exist/are real/matter/etc and stop being emotionally detached

today i had a 3 hour intake session for a group therapy thing i'm going to go to for people with dissociative disorders. the clinic is also a training center for master's level clinicians going for PhD so you don't have to but they encourage being part of their research, and doing that involves an extended intake plus taking all sorts of tests. which i'll be doing next week. considering i'm paying a whole $3 a week for group therapy, and if for some reason the questions make me freak out i can opt-out of that part, i figured i'll do it. i also get like $40 or something at the end of the whole thing which is i think 6 or 8 months

spending 3 hours explaining my whole life history was pretty draining. i haven't had to do it in like 6 years and not all at once like that since the way beginning. guy was nice though.

 
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Old 06-12-2018, 10:32 PM   #1900
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Ugh that sucks reprise. These days, after an experience like that, I eat a massive bag of potato chips and wash it down with a pot of tea, and then eat cake, followed by more tea.

Foods with a carefully crafted combination of FAT + CARBS, are my new drug of choice. Thanks, olanzapine.

Hopefully now that's out of the way, the rest of the study won't be so draining...

 
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Old 06-13-2018, 11:19 AM   #1901
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i think the rest will mostly be testing and maybe an exit interview

my therapist is also on vacation but i did text her to let her know how it went (we had discussed this before).

i actually told the dude some stuff i've never told my therapist. it was easier because he doesn't really know me, i guess. also because, coincidentally, my therapist was my sister's therapist for a brief time in the late 90s, and she has met my parents. i had this problem with an inpatient therapist, too. she had met my mom and so i felt like it would seem like i was lying if i said anything bad. i had told her "but you met my mom..." and she was like "yep, i met her, only makes sense to me more" lol

 
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Old 06-13-2018, 12:00 PM   #1902
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good luck, reprise! i seriously hope it's beneficial to you

 
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Old 06-13-2018, 03:01 PM   #1903
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this is something that i could not even begin to fathom until this past year, but it's really true.
For me (if we are talking about weed) it depends how much you smoke. Smoking a lot definitely does result in feeling foggy-headed, unfocused, trouble with memory and feelings of "numbness," but generally I find that marijuana heightens most experiences. It makes sensory experiences more intense and more immersive, it makes emotional reactions feel deeper and more profound. And sometimes it can make you feel worse if you aren't in the right mental place.

IME it is dependency that results in feelings of emotional flatness, when your tolerance is so high that you only experience the physical and mental fatigue of never being totally sober without the fun or stimulating parts of being high. So I guess like Run2Me said, you have to recognize that it is a drug and can have serious effects on you.

 
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Old 06-13-2018, 03:27 PM   #1904
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It might be just me but an underrated effect is that when it's 90 degrees outside you can barely be bothered by the heat even when outside while properly baked

 
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Old 06-13-2018, 04:32 PM   #1905
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Yeah, besides, a little sun stroke never hurt anyone.

 
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Old 06-13-2018, 04:32 PM   #1906
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Old 06-13-2018, 04:42 PM   #1907
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Originally Posted by redbreegull View Post
For me (if we are talking about weed) it depends how much you smoke. Smoking a lot definitely does result in feeling foggy-headed, unfocused, trouble with memory and feelings of "numbness," but generally I find that marijuana heightens most experiences. It makes sensory experiences more intense and more immersive, it makes emotional reactions feel deeper and more profound. And sometimes it can make you feel worse if you aren't in the right mental place.

IME it is dependency that results in feelings of emotional flatness, when your tolerance is so high that you only experience the physical and mental fatigue of never being totally sober without the fun or stimulating parts of being high. So I guess like Run2Me said, you have to recognize that it is a drug and can have serious effects on you.
I wasn't talking about weed specifically, but now that I think about it, I was smoking obscene amounts of it and barely getting high....my tolerance was through the roof and it was so habitual that it was just an expected part of any day. I didn't think about any feelings too much, but it didn't occur to me that good feelings were a real thing. I'm not sure if it can ever become an occasional part of my life again or not. I definitely don't dislike weed, but I'm not in a place where I can devote any time to exploring healthier habits with it. Sobriety is required of me right now. I have some hella fond memories, though.

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 01:59 AM   #1908
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This year I noticed my urge to drink just diminished a lot, and when I do feel I wanna drink I just don't want to drink past the light buzz stage, it's weird and I have no idea why that is.

Not that i'm complaining, weekend mornings suddenly seem less horrible.

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 03:53 AM   #1909
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i've been drinking tons, for me at least. every night, a fortnight straight. smoking cigs too. stopped "exercising". ;(

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 03:54 AM   #1910
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This shit was clean....bc I've had bad trips in the past...but these trips were so enlightening...I transcended. I just wish I could remember what exactly I realized about the universe at that particular moment....now it's long gone. All I remember during my trip was that it was CONSTANT deja vu....really constant....my sister and friends, we were doing the same things saying the same things....everything happened over and over. I think that tripping some how made my consciousness to transcend which enabled me to witness multiple parallel universes. That's the only explanation I can think of.
pest bost ever?

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 12:13 PM   #1911
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This year I noticed my urge to drink just diminished a lot, and when I do feel I wanna drink I just don't want to drink past the light buzz stage, it's weird and I have no idea why that is.

Not that i'm complaining, weekend mornings suddenly seem less horrible.
This is the point I had arrived at a year or so ago. Suddenly, the urge to drink myself stupid just no longer existed. A good, steady buzz became the ideal.

Now, I'd just like it to not be in the routine, to not be dependent on it in any way and find more things to fill out my free-time. Basically, I was using it -- however sparingly -- to stave off boredom. No more.

I guess this is growing up.

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 04:51 PM   #1912
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I say that phrase so much recently, I'm not sure how to feel about myself nowadays

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 05:29 PM   #1913
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the drunk drugs thread sure isn't the same anymore now that the average netphorian is a boring 35 year old determined to "live better" or whatever

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 05:45 PM   #1914
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Netsnoria

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 05:49 PM   #1915
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drinkin' in the calm

however, my life is still just as trippy as before. just new trippy.

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 06:04 PM   #1916
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did anybody listen to the new smashing pumpkins single "Areolas"?

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 07:00 PM   #1917
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I saw Billie Joe Armstrongs new band "The Longshot" at a little club last night. The band fucking rocks! Their album is really solid too. Way better than the last handful of Green Day releases. Guy still has a ton of passion and rocks out at a club as hard as he does at an arena.



They covered Rockaway Beach too! So awesome. I love Billie Joe

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 07:50 PM   #1918
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sounds like green day

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 07:51 PM   #1919
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i got two beers in my fridge. some customer my friend has (comp repair/sales business) signed him up for beer of the month club but he barely drinks so i stole two.

 
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Old 06-14-2018, 10:14 PM   #1920
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I had many beers and walked home at night in the freezing cold.

Very extreme y'all.

 
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