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Old 06-14-2020, 02:21 PM   #1
Disco King
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Default How Do I Wrote Résumé (I Hate Work)

I told myself I'd write a new résumé, like, three months ago, and still haven't done it.

Like, I know all the basic Googleable shit about how résumés are constructed and the appropriate language to use and all that shit. But I also know that each résumé should be tailored to the specific job you are applying for, instead of just being a generic copy that you use to apply everywhere. I have no idea how to tailor my résumé when I have no idea where I want to apply, what kinds of industries interest me, or what kind of job I want. In fact, I don't really want to work at all tbh, but I guess I need to in order to earn money that I can then exchange for goods and services. The very concept of working, to me, sounds like doing bullshit that you don't intrinsically care about only as a means to an end to survive, and in our society, it causes most of your energy to be put into both your job and maintenance of yourself so that you can continue to work your job. You go home too tired to work on your hobbies or do things like write that novel or record that album or whatever it is you actually find fulfilling, so you just post on Netphoria until it's time to go to bed so that you can wake up tomorrow morning to go back to your job. Yes, I know that if you "dO wHAt yOu lOVe, yOu'LL nEVer WorK a dAY IN yoUr LIfE," but unfortunately, the vast majority of people who try to be artists or rockstars or astronauts or Spider-Man or whatever don't really succeed in either making it or being able to provide for themselves, so that's not an option for most of us.

There's also the fact that I have no idea how to market my skills on a résumé, since I took a humanities/liberal arts degree that was essentially just writing papers. Hell, other social science majors at my school have way more of a focus on statistics and research methods than mine did, so it's not like I even know how to do basic data analysis with Excel or something. Literally all I've done is read shit and then write about it. At least in other degrees, you might develop proficiency at an actual hard skill, be it mathematical ability, knowledge of how to use specific software like MatLab, knowledge of how to carry out certain scientific procedures like titrations or whatever through labs, even just using stats software. Yes, I know, I could write that I'm good at "critical thinking" and "problem-solving," but I'm sure literally every applicant who's taken literally any major believes themselves to be proficient at those things and has them on their résumé. Literally everyone in the world thinks they are "good at thinking." I don't even feel like I learnt to be a better "critical thinker" through my degree. I think it was more of a selection thing, where people who were already somewhat passable at being able to analyze shit and write intelligibly were successful enough at political science to continue, while those who found themselves out of their element decided to take a different major. I did okay because the degree was shit I could already do. I didn't develop any new competencies, I don't think.

Fuck, what is there to even look forward to in life? It's just bullshit like staring at a computer screen, trying to make a résumé to get a new job that you'll eventually hate as much as the one you have. And here I am complaining like a privileged suburban soyboy about "nOt hAVinG a jOb thAt MaKeS mE HapPy" when there are people literally starving or getting killed by cops in the streets. FUCK THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 03:40 PM   #2
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I paid someone on https://www.letseatgrandma.com/ to write one for me. It's pretty great, not that it's helped me get a job. It looks like they upped their prices though. I think I paid $85

Last edited by reprise85 : 06-14-2020 at 03:48 PM.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 03:46 PM   #3
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I paid for someone to write mine to. She also built my LinkIn page.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 03:50 PM   #4
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yes though life sucks let's kill ourselves immediately

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 03:51 PM   #5
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I need to update and do a LinkedIn, problem is I don't even have words for what I do except "consultant" and I don't believe it qualifies me for shit. I am actually making OK money but like, I have no references from it except one. I am part of a published project but my name is not on it (since I just edited data) but I do have a reference letter from it.

I do have a W2 job with a company, but I don't have a boss and they don't give references, lol. And I can't even mention their main client (only "one of the biggest search engine companies in the world" as if no one knows who that is) because of an NDA.

Last edited by reprise85 : 06-14-2020 at 04:00 PM.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 03:53 PM   #6
Disco King
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Hmm, that's an idea (paying for a résumé). I already did pay for some stylish résumé templates, may as well have gone the rest of the distance, and just had somebody write mine.

LinkedIn is also something I've been thinking about. The guy at my campus' career services told me I should make one. I don't think I even have a single adult photograph of myself because I'm ugly and hate having my picture taken and have rarely bothered with selfies. I'll probably have to pick out some boring business-casual clothes and have a photographer take a portrait of me in order to make having a LinkedIn worthwhile. I'm guessing professional photography in itself is going to cost me, what, $300? Damn, that's a lot.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 04:01 PM   #7
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you absolutely do not need to pay to get a professional photograph taken for linkedin, you can have someone take a picture of you with a decent iphone or decent camera and you'll be good

and i know it depends on the industry, but generally speaking, yes definitely create a linkedin. i always treated a printout of linkedin as no different than a resume when i was doing a lot of hiring.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 04:15 PM   #8
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Not having it be professional will save money, I guess. I just know that no matter how the picture is taken, I will never be happy with it and will never not cringe when I see it.

I should look at examples of LinkedIn profiles to see what good ones look like.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 04:47 PM   #9
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Good thing I found both school and part-time work time-consuming enough that I never did any internships, co-ops, or volunteer work that I could use to pad my CV and stand out. All I have in addition to my major is working at a grocery store, and a fast-food joint before that.

Why did I have to make decisions about what to do with my life at age 18, fuck

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 04:50 PM   #10
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I’ll hire you to wipe my ass for $5 each

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 04:52 PM   #11
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With all the rolls of toilet paper I'd have to use, I don't think I'd be making a profit.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 04:55 PM   #12
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I’ll buy the toilet paper, don’t worry about that.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 04:57 PM   #13
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Résumé The Pose

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 05:59 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
Hmm, that's an idea (paying for a résumé). I already did pay for some stylish résumé templates, may as well have gone the rest of the distance, and just had somebody write mine.

LinkedIn is also something I've been thinking about. The guy at my campus' career services told me I should make one. I don't think I even have a single adult photograph of myself because I'm ugly and hate having my picture taken and have rarely bothered with selfies. I'll probably have to pick out some boring business-casual clothes and have a photographer take a portrait of me in order to make having a LinkedIn worthwhile. I'm guessing professional photography in itself is going to cost me, what, $300? Damn, that's a lot.
Just copy the pose and the composition of this one as well as possible


 
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Old 06-14-2020, 06:31 PM   #15
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I can't quite get the angelic glow right.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 08:15 PM   #16
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Quick question: if my résumé has stupid, stilted, and pretentious language that nobody would ever use in real life, does that mean that I'm writing it correctly?

I mean shit like "motivated and enterprising political-science student seeking an opportunity to leverage my analytic and critical-thinking skills in a position as a [whatever the fuck I'm applying for] to promote company growth in a dynamic environment?" Do employers like that shit? Because anything that actually makes sense just sounds too casual and lacks the requisite amount of smoke to be blown up employer asses.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 08:19 PM   #17
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Also, I realized that the templates I purchased are kinda shitty for my purposes as a student with little work experience, because they devote little space to educational credentials and more to work experience. Obviously I can just move shit around, but it's hard to do that without messing the formatting up and keeping all these carefully-aligned textboxes where they should be.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 08:30 PM   #18
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yeah i think you're on the right track

ffs my first line is

• A recent psychology graduate with 6 years of experience developing exceptional customer service etiquette, leadership skills, and de-escalation techniques in the food retail industry

here's a good line:
Highly effective communicator with an extensive track record of ensuring positive client experiences through use of a strong interpersonal skillset

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 08:30 PM   #19
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but i was trying to get a psych tech job so was trying to focus on being able to de-escalate furious customers lol, to make it seem like a transferable skill

i don't have a statement or anything like that. just qualifications, experience, education and a box of skills. but i was going for something somewhat specific and that i did know about (like DSM terminology and shit), so it makes sense.

sorry i can't be more helpful

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 08:35 PM   #20
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when you write anything the most important consideration is the audience, so you need to know the job/industry before you write, because each have their own conventions. the cover letter is significantly more important than the resume. if you PM me what you have i will give you feedback/rewrite it. i have a perverse interest in helping people with resumes and application letters.

 
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Old 06-14-2020, 08:46 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reprise85 View Post
but i was trying to get a psych tech job so was trying to focus on being able to de-escalate furious customers lol, to make it seem like a transferable skill

i don't have a statement or anything like that. just qualifications, experience, education and a box of skills. but i was going for something somewhat specific and that i did know about (like DSM terminology and shit), so it makes sense.

sorry i can't be more helpful
No, I do find it helpful to see your examples and to know whether I'm on the correct track. Thanks :-)

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when you write anything the most important consideration is the audience, so you need to know the job/industry before you write, because each have their own conventions. the cover letter is significantly more important than the resume. if you PM me what you have i will give you feedback/rewrite it. i have a perverse interest in helping people with resumes and application letters.
That's very kind of you, and I really appreciate your offer.

Unfortunately right now, I am just writing a generic résumé as a first step so that I have a basic template down that I can then edit and tailor to specific job applications. Since I have no idea where I want to apply or what kind of job I want, I can't really yet write a résumé that is actually specific to a given audience.

 
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Old 06-15-2020, 07:24 AM   #22
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Also, I realized that the templates I purchased are kinda shitty for my purposes as a student with little work experience, because they devote little space to educational credentials and more to work experience. Obviously I can just move shit around, but it's hard to do that without messing the formatting up and keeping all these carefully-aligned textboxes where they should be.
i learned about a skill resume where instead of a place of work and what u did there, you lead each skill with educational or work experiences. of course, you want them to be skills that are mentioned or alluded to in the job description. they're best for people moving to a different line of work who don't have clear experience in the new field or someone just coming out of school.

 
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Old 06-15-2020, 08:28 AM   #23
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Good thing I found both school and part-time work time-consuming enough that I never did any internships, co-ops, or volunteer work that I could use to pad my CV and stand out. All I have in addition to my major is working at a grocery store, and a fast-food joint before that.

Why did I have to make decisions about what to do with my life at age 18, fuck
I think that including these things is great on a resume because it shows you have the basic job-skills (showing up on time, taking direction, being willing to work) that so many recent college grads don't have.

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Quick question: if my résumé has stupid, stilted, and pretentious language that nobody would ever use in real life, does that mean that I'm writing it correctly?

I mean shit like "motivated and enterprising political-science student seeking an opportunity to leverage my analytic and critical-thinking skills in a position as a [whatever the fuck I'm applying for] to promote company growth in a dynamic environment?" Do employers like that shit? Because anything that actually makes sense just sounds too casual and lacks the requisite amount of smoke to be blown up employer asses.
I don't think that is a good sentence, because a) it isn't specific to you--any applicant is going to say they're "motivated" and a "critical thinker", and b) it's not tailored to the specific job! you are not going to have any success writing a resume until you have a job in mind, because the entire game is in the tailoring. it's like trying to write a love letter without any particular object of affection in mind--it's going to be shitty. employers get tons of untailored resumes that are just lists of credentials and buzzwords--what they are looking for is application documents that demonstrate a) that the candidate understands the demands of their specific position/company, and b) the candidate has the experience and potential to fulfill those demands.

what kind of jobs are you thinking of applying for?

 
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Old 06-15-2020, 08:55 AM   #24
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yeah, plus that basic ass language trend is over, i think, and recruiters just toss that shit aside, but i never used it so what do i know?! i think cover letters are more important but a SUPER SHiTTy resume will fuck up a good cover letter. i've get lots of compliments from interviewers about my lovely cover letters, but sometimes i go back and look at some and think HOLY SHIT. THAT'S PRETTY LONG.

Last edited by yo soy el mejor : 06-15-2020 at 09:01 AM.

 
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Old 06-15-2020, 09:01 AM   #25
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if i really care about a position, i will print out the job description and highlight key words about the tasks of the job and desired qualities. use that info to make a small list of how you fulfill those things whether in school, work, or personal life. write cover letter and edit resume accordingly.

 
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Old 06-15-2020, 09:45 AM   #26
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if i really care about a position, i will print out the job description and highlight key words about the tasks of the job and desired qualities. use that info to make a small list of how you fulfill those things whether in school, work, or personal life. write cover letter and edit resume accordingly.
that's great advice. good to parrot back the language/terms from the description in your letter, too.

 
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Old 06-15-2020, 11:27 PM   #27
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i learned about a skill resume where instead of a place of work and what u did there, you lead each skill with educational or work experiences. of course, you want them to be skills that are mentioned or alluded to in the job description. they're best for people moving to a different line of work who don't have clear experience in the new field or someone just coming out of school.
Hmm. I'll look up the format of a skill résumé and might think about doing one of those. Thanks.

One problem is that I literally have no hard skills, and have only got soft skills. Maybe I should do some Kahn Academy course on programming or something.

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I think that including these things is great on a resume because it shows you have the basic job-skills (showing up on time, taking direction, being willing to work) that so many recent college grads don't have.



I don't think that is a good sentence, because a) it isn't specific to you--any applicant is going to say they're "motivated" and a "critical thinker", and b) it's not tailored to the specific job! you are not going to have any success writing a resume until you have a job in mind, because the entire game is in the tailoring. it's like trying to write a love letter without any particular object of affection in mind--it's going to be shitty. employers get tons of untailored resumes that are just lists of credentials and buzzwords--what they are looking for is application documents that demonstrate a) that the candidate understands the demands of their specific position/company, and b) the candidate has the experience and potential to fulfill those demands.

what kind of jobs are you thinking of applying for?
Yeah, I guess I can't write a good résumé until I have a job for it in mind. My plan was to just get a generic one out of the way so that I could edit and tailor it when I apply for jobs, but maybe my first step should be looking for jobs instead.

The problem is that I literally have zero clue what kind of job I want to do. I can't think of anything I'm excited to do or would enjoy doing. I have no idea even what keywords to search for. All I know is that I want to get out of my grocery store job and do something more "adult and gown-up," but I have no interests in any industry or anything. I don't even know where to start.

 
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Old 06-16-2020, 07:20 AM   #28
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if you dgaf and just want more money why not try to work up the chain in the grocery industry? your prior experience will give you the biggest boost there. bookmark the HR pages of all the local grocery businesses and apply for shit that comes up? and express interest in moving up with your bosses to get some networking/mentoring/reference letters?

 
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Old 06-16-2020, 12:07 PM   #29
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I personally don't really want to work at a grocery store in any capacity, be it moving up to manager (where I'd still be retail, which I want to escape), or even working in some head-office position where I'd probably be working for the HR people whose role is to know how to fire people who could be replaced with cheaper labour without breaching the union contract (this guy was two minutes late for the third time this year and has been here so long that he's making $17.50 an hour—we finally have cause to fire him and replace him with a kid at minimum wage). I'm not entirely sure if there are any entry-level positions at head office in the first place, as I don't see with my cursory search.

I guess I have ideas of where I don't want to work, but none for where I do.

 
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Old 06-16-2020, 01:00 PM   #30
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how about intake (or like such as) at a cool org? get to be part of something meaningful without a lot of personal responsibility.

 
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