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Old 07-12-2020, 04:54 PM   #1
hnibos
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Default I want to ghost my best friend of 4 years but I don't know if its justifiable

We've been best friends for 4 years. We met on grindr (gay dating app) hit it off pretty well, but he had to move out of state a couple weeks later. We kept in touch, got super close, and I've always liked him, eventually fell in love. He's always waffled a bit when its come up over the years. Its been from I like you but you're so far away, to I did but I dont, to I love you like family, to I like you more has time has gone and it doesnt usually work that way. To I've loved you this whole time and I want to get married, I've just been afraid of hurting you because I have issues. He called it all off a week later and said he wasn't ready for romance and didn't want to be important to anyone. Up until that time, I was mostly fine with it all. He just doesnt feel the same way, he's had opportunities (we've lived together for short spans) and he just doesnt seal the deal. Ever since he said all that though I feel like this whole time feeling like we had some special connection WAS real and not one sided. I know of his issues and his past trauma, I'm okay with being patience, and what kind of best friend and potential lover would I be if I didn't show that? He already said he loved me.

Well, hes been dating someone for months and even living with them and he didnt tell me. He doesnt even understand why I'd be upset. He doesnt think it's a big deal to have gotten my hopes up after all this time and he just says he was trying to force it. Excuse me? You knew how I felt, you had already rejected me, and you tell me you try to force it and then make a bs reason instead of being upfront? I feel so used and taken advantage of and I can't even get a recognition that I have a right to be upset. Just made to feel like I'm being ridiculous. He says we're still close, that I'm his best friend and doesn't want to block me (I asked him to because I'm just pissed), but really I'm at the point where I don't even want to see his name come up on my phone. Am I an asshole? What I also have to figure in all of this is his feelings and mental health. He's pretty suicidal, talks about it often, I may or may not have stopped him from doing it once when he had a perfect opportunity. Can I just abandon him like that? Do I have to be the bigger person, deal with being discarded and then picked up again maybe at some point in the future? I dont even want to tell him I need space because I'm sick of him making me feel like I'm being dramatic. I really don't know what to do.

He barely talks to me now to be honest. He'll respond but keep things superficial. I get it, he's busy with his life and his nee found love. I know I'm not entitled to anything, but after all this time, all the emotional intimacy and emotional labor I had to do to be there for him, I don't feel like this is something I should just tolerate.

 
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Old 07-12-2020, 05:42 PM   #2
Disco King
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hnibos View Post
I want to ghost my best friend of 4 years but I don't know if its justifiable

>Me before reading thread

Why, is he a Trumptrainee or something?

>Me after reading thread


Oh.

Last edited by Disco King : 07-12-2020 at 06:03 PM.

 
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Old 07-12-2020, 05:52 PM   #3
Disco King
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I know you feel strongly about him, but it's important to remember that you don't owe him anything. If it hurts too much to keep him in your life, that's a perfectly valid reason for keeping him out of it, and any support either of you has given the other in the past doesn't change that. I'd still say it's the a matter of courtesy not to ghost him, and to let him know that you no longer wish to be in contact. The fact that he might make you feel overdramatic for expressing this doesn't make it any less worthwhile to express. However, I also only consider it "ghosting" if the ghosted party reaches out and is ignored. If there is no conversational thread or text to respond to in the first place and you simply stop initiating conversations with him, and he never bothers to reach out himself, that's not truly ghosting.

In the future, I'd say any relationship where one party is much more heavily invested than the other is unhealthy, be it friendship or a romantic relationship. It leads to exactly what it did here: resentment and broken hearts. The truth is, he never committed to you, so he was always free to see other people. It's sucks that you were in this "will-they-won't-they" wishy-washy thing, but though it sucks that he string you along letting you think he might come around eventually, he was also pretty clear that you two weren't together, it sounds.

 
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Old 07-12-2020, 06:01 PM   #4
Disco King
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Wait a second, I just re-read this. Was he dating this other person while he was saying he always loved you and might want to marry you? And then he later said he was trying to "force" himself to like you?

If so, he's actually pretty shitty.

 
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Old 07-13-2020, 09:00 PM   #5
wHATcOLOR
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my $0.02: you, or anyone for that matter, deserve better than how this person has been treating you

 
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Old 07-13-2020, 09:27 PM   #6
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you have every right to feel hurt and upset. It seems like he's taken advantage of you emotionally. He leans on you and knows you're not going to turn him away when he feels he needs your support. It sounds a bit like a codependent situation.

At this point though you don't owe him anything, . And you aren't going to get the closure from him that you're looking for.

 
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Old 07-13-2020, 09:58 PM   #7
Run To Me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOneAndOnly View Post
you have every right to feel hurt and upset. It seems like he's taken advantage of you emotionally. He leans on you and knows you're not going to turn him away when he feels he needs your support. It sounds a bit like a codependent situation.

At this point though you don't owe him anything, . And you aren't going to get the closure from him that you're looking for.


That you are made to question, in the world/rules of this relationship, the “validity” or “reasonableness” of the emotions that you actually feel, is a Big Red Flag, i would venture to think

Sorry

We’ve lots of us been there having invested everything in way too many one-sided relationships with toxic assorted friends/lovers of yore. It hurts

 
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Old 07-13-2020, 10:08 PM   #8
reprise85
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hnibos i'm sorry you're in this situation

you would not be an asshole to stop talking to this person. he's been incredibly shitty to you either on purpose or carelessly

 
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Old 07-28-2020, 11:15 PM   #9
hnibos
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Thank you everyone for reinforcing what I think I should do, but haven't done yet and don't know if I will.

Can we turn this into a romance thread? Anyone wanna post about how great their love lives are?

 
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Old 07-29-2020, 12:05 AM   #10
reprise85
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nonexistent

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 06:42 AM   #11
Dead Frequency
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Pull the ripcord and bail to safety. It's like continuing to bet in a game of cards when you know youll lose the hand

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 07:11 AM   #12
FlamingGlobes
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I'm thinking of ghosting Took. Guy is insufferable lately.

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 07:12 AM   #13
FlamingGlobes
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And by "lately" I mean the last 4/5 years.

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 07:44 AM   #14
Dead Frequency
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlamingGlobes View Post
And by "lately" I mean the last 4/5 years.
That's about how long it has been since I've logged in and folks were hollering at him back then in the same way. He's just a fool of a took. Also I heard he gets boners from Matlock

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 07:48 AM   #15
FoolofaTook
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I just discovered Matlock right now. He looks like he keeps a very trim & tidy gooch.


Thank you!

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 08:06 AM   #16
yo soy el mejor
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/ghosts this thread

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 08:26 AM   #17
FlamingGlobes
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dead Frequency View Post
That's about how long it has been since I've logged in and folks were hollering at him back then in the same way. He's just a fool of a took. Also I heard he gets boners from Matlock
Literally lol'd

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 09:59 AM   #18
Joey Goldberg
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you're ghosting him, but i'm positive Fold of a Tolk would highly approve that use of the word "literally"

 
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Old 07-30-2020, 10:05 AM   #19
Joey Goldberg
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literally sometimes (ghosts)

 
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