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Old 04-08-2018, 09:41 PM   #1501
Elphenor
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I admit I did have sex with a woman through Tinder once, even though I meant to do the "see how many matches I get" game exclusively

it was not that great, I mean the experience as a whole

I give the app 2.5/5

an average score

 
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Old 04-08-2018, 10:21 PM   #1502
redbreegull
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Originally Posted by Ram27 View Post
Tinder seems super soul crushing

I just see how many matches I can get so I feel better about myself, never bother to message. which is probably what everyone else does, and why it's so soul crushing

a girl actually messaged me a killer opener, asking about cymbal choices. i'm too shy for this
I will admit I am kind of obsessed with online dating in a train crash kind of way. It has definitely been soul crushing, but also quite elucidating and educational to learn the social rules of the dating app world, and I think it has given me a little insight into dating and sex culture for millennials as well. Honestly I think I used tinder for about 2 years before the weirdness factor totally wore off and I felt like I knew what I was doing well enough to not feel bad about myself and actually go on dates with people without feeling incredibly strange.

But yeah I think tons and tons, possibly even the majority of people on tinder, just do it out of boredom, curiosity, self-validation, or any other number of reasons that doesn't actually ******* messaging or meeting people. Best way I have discovered to look at it (for me anyway) is that persistence is key... if you are interested in hooking up, serious dating, or finding your future spouse, you just have to match with a lot of people, message a lot of people, and go on a lot of dates and eventually you will meet someone with the same reason as being on there as you. It doesn't really work so different than real life, it's just everything happens faster and is way more blunt because the number of people you are exposed to is vast (assuming you are in a metropolitan area).

 
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Old 04-08-2018, 11:54 PM   #1503
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ram27 View Post
Tinder seems super soul crushing

I just see how many matches I can get so I feel better about myself, never bother to message. which is probably what everyone else does, and why it's so soul crushing

a girl actually messaged me a killer opener, asking about cymbal choices. i'm too shy for this
Damn, you must be a looker. The only people I've known who have played the "boost my self-esteem by seeing how many people digitally approve of me when I have no intention of ever actually messaging t**** game have been women. Men usually get so few matches that they don't have that option.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 12:00 AM   #1504
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If I ever took "out with the guys" photos I'd have matched more women

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 12:24 AM   #1505
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redbreegull View Post
I will admit I am kind of obsessed with online dating in a train crash kind of way. It has definitely been soul crushing, but also quite elucidating and educational to learn the social rules of the dating app world, and I think it has given me a little insight into dating and sex culture for millennials as well. Honestly I think I used tinder for about 2 years before the weirdness factor totally wore off and I felt like I knew what I was doing well enough to not feel bad about myself and actually go on dates with people without feeling incredibly strange.

But yeah I think tons and tons, possibly even the majority of people on tinder, just do it out of boredom, curiosity, self-validation, or any other number of reasons that doesn't actually ******* messaging or meeting people. Best way I have discovered to look at it (for me anyway) is that persistence is key... if you are interested in hooking up, serious dating, or finding your future spouse, you just have to match with a lot of people, message a lot of people, and go on a lot of dates and eventually you will meet someone with the same reason as being on there as you. It doesn't really work so different than real life, it's just everything happens faster and is way more blunt because the number of people you are exposed to is vast (assuming you are in a metropolitan area).
I haven't used the app myself, but it sounds similar to what I've noticed from real-life dating. Like, a very small proportion of people you talk to will be interested in dating, so you have to cast a large net.

I think the hard thing about dating while millennial is that, according to what I've read, traditional dating is being replaced by "hook-up culture," which makes things hard for me to navigate, because I still date the old-fashioned way of meeting somebody, getting their number, and going an actual activity with them and talking over food and drinks. It's the only way I'm comfortable with, because I can't imagine how one would go about propositioning a relative stranger with a casual encounters without it being harassmenty. It looks like what people do more often these days is hookup and maybe become FWB, and perhaps that blossoms into becoming an actual relationship, or maybe it doesn't and just goes nowhere. Seems like a good way to get hurt if you're getting down with somebody in the hopes that they will take you on as something more, but they have different intentions.

It's especially weird, because despite this, young people are actually engaging in intimate activities less frequently than previous generations did at this age. The kids are having less sex. But when they are having it, it's more often casual rather than in the context of dating.

And as a guy who tries to be cognizant and respectful of women's boundaries, it just seems hard to understand why I can date somebody for months and not even attempt to take her hand because I don't want to make her uncomfortable and want her to direct the pace of things, and then she ends up "not feeling it," but then the girl whose tongue I find in my mouth before I even know her name is the one that continues to text me. Or how I refrain from physical contact because I don't want to be "that guy," but somebody I just met is more likely to invite me back to her place when I just let her put the limits on physical contact and touch her in any possible way that doesn't cause her to back away a little or move my hand. Or how the girl that texts me more frequently and with more interest is the one that I made a suggestive joke to without even knowing that I would intuitively think is inappropriate.

It's frustrating, because it seems like the behaviour that people respond well to isn't the behaviour that fits my values of eschewing gendered scripts of machismo and males just making overt moves without waiting for clear, explicit, verbal enthusiastic consent. It's like people want me to take on all the responsibility of initiating intimacy so that they don't have to, when the entire cultural idea of "women want X but don't want to say it, and are waiting for the man to just do it" is one of the core premises of rape culture and gendered violence.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 12:36 AM   #1506
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this is just my experience, but I think "hook-up culture" is overstated. there are lots of people who are looking to date or seeking a serious s/o.

pretty sure people in past generations actually had more sex with more partners than millennials

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 01:06 AM   #1507
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Yeah, people are having less sex than they did in previous generations, with fewer partners and with activity starting later in life. But from what I've read, it's still becoming more prevalent for that to happen casually through hookups rather than in the context of dating.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 10:50 AM   #1508
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so i was riding my bike tonight, waiting for a long red light, with at least a dozen or two dozen other people on scooters and bikes.

when the green light came on, i did that 'lift your ass off the seat and pedal hard' thing, when suddenly the fucking chain came off the derailleur without warning, as i was already in full blow. i flew up in the air and hit the road pretty hard as i saw my bike sliding away on the road.

i was fairly fortunate; didn't get run over or hit by any of the other riders around me. i banged up my shoulder pretty good though. ribs too. my knee is bleeding and my ankle got nicely chafed. i thought i may have cracked a rib or two right after, but now it doesn't seem so. so again, i was lucky, no significant injuries or damage.

on the downside, boy am i going to be sore for a few days starting tomorrow.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 10:58 AM   #1509
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also, interestingly, during this whole incident, nobody, and i mean nobody - other riders, pedestrians, passerby, drivers - went out of their way even for a second to address me or see if i'm alright.

nobody slowed down, stopped, or said anything at all. the best i got was a long, cold stare by a group of middle aged ladies.

i've heard about this happening, and to my understanding, it occurs mostly because people are afraid of being unfairly sued by dishonest people, which has happened in china. but man, not even one person offering the most basic bit of courtesy.

the coarseness of people here can be so harsh sometimes.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 12:14 PM   #1510
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people will stop their cars and hop out here in Texas

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 01:06 PM   #1511
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I've also read about China lacking Good Samaritan laws, making anyone who comes to another's aid liable in the event that something goes wrong. It deters people from helping strangers.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 02:06 PM   #1512
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holy shit, i'm glad you're okay

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 02:07 PM   #1513
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also, i'm so grateful that i haven't had a need for tinder. although i have met people online. myspace could be oh so sleazy!

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 03:19 PM   #1514
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
Yeah, people are having less sex than they did in previous generations, with fewer partners and with activity starting later in life. But from what I've read, it's still becoming more prevalent for that to happen casually through hookups rather than in the context of dating.
yeah I'm honestly not sure, perhaps it is true that people are having more "random sex" than in the past, but defining these things becomes kind of murky. The woman I am dating right now, I met about 5 months ago and we have been on at least 10 dates at this point. However I am fairly sure we are not dating to be in a relationship, and it's a just for fun thing. She's busy and travels for work a lot, so I think she feels limited in how much of a relationship she can actually be in, which I guess is a common millennial conundrum. So is that a hookup? Or are we dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1 View Post
so i was riding my bike tonight, waiting for a long red light, with at least a dozen or two dozen other people on scooters and bikes.

when the green light came on, i did that 'lift your ass off the seat and pedal hard' thing, when suddenly the fucking chain came off the derailleur without warning, as i was already in full blow. i flew up in the air and hit the road pretty hard as i saw my bike sliding away on the road.

i was fairly fortunate; didn't get run over or hit by any of the other riders around me. i banged up my shoulder pretty good though. ribs too. my knee is bleeding and my ankle got nicely chafed. i thought i may have cracked a rib or two right after, but now it doesn't seem so. so again, i was lucky, no significant injuries or damage.

on the downside, boy am i going to be sore for a few days starting tomorrow.
Quote:
Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1 View Post
also, interestingly, during this whole incident, nobody, and i mean nobody - other riders, pedestrians, passerby, drivers - went out of their way even for a second to address me or see if i'm alright.

nobody slowed down, stopped, or said anything at all. the best i got was a long, cold stare by a group of middle aged ladies.

i've heard about this happening, and to my understanding, it occurs mostly because people are afraid of being unfairly sued by dishonest people, which has happened in china. but man, not even one person offering the most basic bit of courtesy.

the coarseness of people here can be so harsh sometimes.
Glad you are ok and did not get run over or broken bones or anything. That is super harsh that people just totally ignore someone going down like that, but I guess it makes sense in the context of what I have been told about Chinese culture. DC people are not known for being friendly but SOMEONE will definitely at least check you are ok if you fall down in the street.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 04:36 PM   #1515
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Old 04-09-2018, 04:38 PM   #1516
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redbreegull View Post
yeah I'm honestly not sure, perhaps it is true that people are having more "random sex" than in the past, but defining these things becomes kind of murky. The woman I am dating right now, I met about 5 months ago and we have been on at least 10 dates at this point. However I am fairly sure we are not dating to be in a relationship, and it's a just for fun thing. She's busy and travels for work a lot, so I think she feels limited in how much of a relationship she can actually be in, which I guess is a common millennial conundrum. So is that a hookup? Or are we dating?
Sounds to me like non-exclusive dating.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:10 PM   #1517
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dating =/= in a relationship

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:27 PM   #1518
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what defines a hookup? If you only have sex with the person once? a common thing seems to be you go on 2-3 dates, sleep together a few times, and then stop seeing each other because one or both of you have failed each other's test of compatibility in some way. Is that hooking up?

obviously there is no answer here, I'm just kind of thinking out loud. One does hear a lot about hookup culture, I just think what that actually means is really fluid. If people our age are having less sex and less partners, and dating less, and just happen to be having more completely random one night stand type encounters in between long stretches of not having sex, I'm not sure I see the phrase "hookup culture" as properly descriptive. It makes it sound like millennials are acculturated to specifically go after fleeting sexual experiences as opposed to dating, and that is kind of the stereotype, but I'm not sure that is accurate if it's just much harder for us to date and we are having significantly less sexual and romantic interactions of any form at all

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:29 PM   #1519
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also do we really believe say college kids in 2018 are having more sex with randos than college kids in like 1972 or something? I don't have data, but that doesn't seem correct

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:43 PM   #1520
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ouch teh_b0lly, hope you aren't too sore

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:44 PM   #1521
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i got reddit gold today. one of my comments got like 600 upvotes and someone gilded it. cool beans.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 08:19 PM   #1522
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I hope it was a cleverly timed "That's what she said."

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 08:22 PM   #1523
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
I've also read about China lacking Good Samaritan laws, making anyone who comes to another's aid liable in the event that something goes wrong. It deters people from helping strangers.
not only that, but it's cheaper to deal with the relatively minor legal fee involved with killing the person than paying their medical bills or something. They like back up over people they ran over to make sure they're dead

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 09:04 PM   #1524
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this is true, and way fucked up.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 09:37 PM   #1525
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I try to be skeptical of what I hear about "Chinese culture," seeing as
Western media is prone to Orientalism when portraying foreign cultures, especially when their governments aren't allied with us or the state is communist or something.

But it really does sound like the repression enforced by the Chinese government is fucking their society up.

 
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Old 04-09-2018, 11:12 PM   #1526
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yeah, i agree;

i was more upset by the whole incident and pain last night, but i don't really "judge" them for acting the way they do. there are vast cultural differences in many different areas, and i mostly try to react to it as something interesting and new, rather than find that coarseness grating and challenging (which it sometimes is). i also remind myself that i'm the one living in their country, and not vice versa, so bitching about their mentality or customs seems counterproductive.

and yet, despite all things, when you really get down to bare bones and bottom lines -
it's a society with no respect for animal life or welfare, disregard for other people in trivial or even life threatening situations, and often, very poor manners. that stuff is very hard to respect, and is considered a barometer for assessing any culture.

 
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Old 04-10-2018, 09:02 AM   #1527
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Quote:
Originally Posted by duovamp View Post
I hope it was a cleverly timed "That's what she said."


 
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Old 04-10-2018, 09:04 AM   #1528
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yeah, i agree;

i was more upset by the whole incident and pain last night, but i don't really "judge" them for acting the way they do. there are vast cultural differences in many different areas, and i mostly try to react to it as something interesting and new, rather than find that coarseness grating and challenging (which it sometimes is). i also remind myself that i'm the one living in their country, and not vice versa, so bitching about their mentality or customs seems counterproductive.

and yet, despite all things, when you really get down to bare bones and bottom lines -
it's a society with no respect for animal life or welfare, disregard for other people in trivial or even life threatening situations, and often, very poor manners. that stuff is very hard to respect, and is considered a barometer for assessing any culture.
at least you're not in the american south. i've been called a crackhead several times and i haven't even been here a month.

 
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Old 04-10-2018, 02:08 PM   #1529
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yeah idk why the south has a reputation of sweethearts and good hospitality. lots of judgmental, snarky assholes ime and i've been to every southern state except south carolina and lived in the region for about 17 years. good riddance!

 
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Old 04-10-2018, 02:11 PM   #1530
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i think a lot of it is fake, face saving "niceness"

but i just got here so what do i know

 
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