|
03-26-2016, 08:15 PM | #481 |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
|
actually you know what, fuck to death all those people who only break things off by texting or whatever, only following the easiest possible path for themselves out of fear, and leaving the other party to just deal with it and not even being able to respond or say anything without it bleeding over to 'needless drama'.
you can say a lot of fucking terrible shit about me but i would never fucking do that, not to anyone. i'd at least respect the other person enough to do it to their face, and let them hear it from me and respond, and not fucking read it off a goddamn page or a screen. i convinced myself i gave up on people so long ago but apparently i still believe in them if i expect anything less than this shit. wether it's someone who i gave 7 years of my life to, or some girl i met a week ago |
|
03-26-2016, 08:16 PM | #482 |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
|
|
|
03-26-2016, 08:21 PM | #483 |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,753
|
my last girlfriend and I were kind of on hiatus because we were both really fucked up and treating each other badly, but i was under the impression we were going to try and make things work again. we were still talking a bit and she said something like, "I'm always here if you need me. Always." The next night I had a breakdown and sent her messages asking her to call me please because I was losing it. She sent me, "As much as I valued our time together it is no longer healthy for me to talk to you. I ask that you don't contact me again." Blocked my number, unfriended me... just totally ghosted me.
the most fucked up and hurtful part is that she had an abusive ex from her past who would still call her and send her harassing texts from time to time and no matter how many fucking times I pleaded with her to block his fucking number, she wouldn't do it. Eventually she started lying to me that she had and didn't know how he kept getting in contact with her. |
|
03-26-2016, 08:30 PM | #484 | |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
Quote:
|
|
|
03-26-2016, 08:40 PM | #485 |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
|
this, along with the other things you have said about yourself recently, has been very clear to me for a long time
edit: don't mean this as a jab, if that's how it comes off Last edited by teh b0lly!!1 : 03-26-2016 at 08:47 PM. |
|
03-26-2016, 08:44 PM | #486 | |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
|
Quote:
they just say stuff like "i'll always be there for you" because talking is easy, and that's what they heard in movies, whatever. but there is nothing real behind it. not to imply that i'm perfect in any way, but i'm the kind of person who chooses their words carefully, and i don't say it if i don't mean it. i honestly cannot fathom how people can look at themselves in the mirror after breaking off a meaningful relationship with somebody who meant something to them, just offhandedly like that, like they owe them nothing at all. i mean, if any experience shows you who you really are, deep inside, it's situations like that. and if that's how you choose to deal, then you are a fucking emotionally stunted selfish coward, and a child. Last edited by teh b0lly!!1 : 03-26-2016 at 08:49 PM. |
|
|
03-26-2016, 08:49 PM | #487 |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,753
|
in some ways she was one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, but she was deeply messed up. I think I was under some kind of delusion that I could "save" her but in the end her problems consumed me, then us, and then she somehow made the whole thing my fault and ran away, which basically completes the pattern she plays out with everything in life.
the girl from before that who I was with for years, we had been having a lot of trouble the last year of our relationship. She broke up with me and then we got back together, we stopped having sex, she made it really difficult to talk about... but right before I went to Israel I visited her where she did archaeology in Colorado and she basically told me she had thought about it for a long time and was ready to work our shit out and when I came back, she thought it was time for us to move in together. So I went off to Israel with that in my mind, and then got dumped over skype while I was there. People fucking suck. I still kind of think that if I had not gone away, she never would have been able to summon the courage to end things with me, and that hurts. I had to be far away so I couldn't cause her trouble or something. Last edited by redbreegull : 03-26-2016 at 08:58 PM. |
|
03-26-2016, 08:56 PM | #488 | |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
Quote:
i'm very interested in how i come across. my therapist likes to note that when she tells me things that i do that i don't realize i always ask her if it's obvious or she just notices because she's my therapist. like it's more important to me that others can't tell than it is that i actually fix it. which is probably true. edit: i guess i've said this a few times recently about the not feeling thing... honestly having some problems lately remembering my interactions with people, especially online. sorry. Last edited by reprise85 : 03-26-2016 at 09:02 PM. |
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:00 PM | #489 | |
Banned
Posts: 21,169
|
Quote:
Sorry though brother *bear hug* |
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:03 PM | #490 | |
Banned
Posts: 21,169
|
Quote:
Now that really hurts |
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:06 PM | #491 | |
Banned
Posts: 21,169
|
Quote:
|
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:13 PM | #492 |
Brazilian Blouselord
Location: heavy metal pool party
Posts: 35,781
|
Anybody here ever separate a man from his soul?
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:18 PM | #493 | |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,753
|
Quote:
|
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:31 PM | #494 |
Banned
Posts: 21,169
|
but what's a nice gesture worth if it's an empty one?
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:32 PM | #495 |
Braindead
Location: I was just reading, right?
Posts: 15,023
|
What makes you say it's empty? You're just mad she thinks you're dumb.
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:35 PM | #496 |
Banned
Posts: 21,169
|
not saying it is, but she was asking why people thought she came across as non-feeling. It's simply the impression I get. If I'm wrong, then hey, who cares? no one gives a shit what I have to say anyways lol
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:38 PM | #497 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
I do actually mean the things I say - it is not an attempt to appear nice. In fact, if I can't connect to it I usually won't post it out of respect. This actually happens pretty often. But I can imagine it might seem hollow - I'm a hollow person in a lot of respects. I like to think there's a disconnect between my emotions and my empathy, where I can still feel the empathy even though I can't feel the emotions. I can, recognize it let's say. It's not the same thing but I don't think it's disingenuous.
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:39 PM | #498 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
Believe it or not I actually like you the vast majority of the time
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:41 PM | #499 |
Banned
Posts: 21,169
|
Yeah, I'm probably way off, who am I to judge one another? I'm as fucked up as they come
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:42 PM | #500 | |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
Quote:
I'm actually crying a little right now. This isn't some promise of therapy, or what I've been told will happen. I'm totally at a precipice right now, for the past several months, and I keep on backing down from it and I feel like a coward but it's like willing stabbing myself repeatedly, the instinct is to not do it. Very strongly. |
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:45 PM | #501 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
anyway thanks for listening to me guys
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:46 PM | #502 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
|
|
03-26-2016, 09:50 PM | #503 |
Banned
Posts: 21,169
|
yeah, sometimes my parents get all heavy on me like I'm a fuck up and how I'm going nowhere in life, but it's like "I'm doing the best I can with the faculties that I have".
But I mean, the funny thing is, I actually relate with some of what your saying. I fee like I've created a "numb wall" for myself and that I don't really feel too much anymore for my own good. But then it's like: it's not really healthy, but it works for me for what I'm going through |
|
03-26-2016, 10:00 PM | #504 |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
|
reprise, i didn't mean what i said in a negative way, if that's how if affected you. sorry.
for what it's worth, i wish i could be like you, in that i could choose to feel, or not to feel. is that a conscious decision for you? or are you referring to not taking meds for a short while? either way, as i said, i am tired of all this. i wish i could turn it off. |
|
03-26-2016, 10:13 PM | #505 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
I did not take it negatively at all. No worries.
It's not that I can choose to feel or not to feel, but that I can stop feeling if it does peak through. I've already decided at an unconscious level, probably since I was a little girl, to not feel. So it's like that decision has already been made, it's off 99% of the time - doesn't mean I don't feel at ALL, but it's very dampened. But it's not just that I don't feel - I also don't feel as if the world is real at all - major derealization and depersonalization to a lesser, but still high, degree. So it's a disconnection from feelings, and also from reality - though not psychosis, because I know my perceptions are abnormal and I know I must act as if things are real in order to not completely lose touch. So I can turn it off if it does peak through, but I can't choose to feel. I can only choose to not stop it when it does come - and this is a conscious decision sometimes, and sometimes not. One night I almost got murdered (with my ex) and part of me feels like I died and this is all just some kind of dying hallucination. I also don't feel very much physically, and I can in fact turn off pain almost completely - physical pain, that is. I am actually scared to feel physical pain. I also turned that off at some point because of very painful sexual/physical abuse. I actually remember practicing it while it was happening, and getting good at it, since it happened probably hundreds of times. This dissociation mechanism probably saved my life many times, at least from killing myself if nothing else. It's a testament to our ability to cope with anything. But now it's still coping and things are not bad anymore and it's maladaptive. |
|
03-26-2016, 10:19 PM | #506 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
re: meds, they can't do anything for my feelings. I mean I'm not super anhedonic all the time from depression, and not terribly anxious all the time - which is a BIG deal
|
|
03-26-2016, 10:41 PM | #507 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
considering i probably will never be able to do therapy with people because of my problems, i'm pretty happy that i've found a way to help society anyway - at least, I have a plan. which is to be a forensic psychologist and make recommendations on insanity defenses and parole hearings, etc. protect society from dangerous people and also give people second chances who deserve them.
hopefully i don't screw it all up |
|
03-26-2016, 11:41 PM | #508 | |
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,875
|
Quote:
But the reason I'm that way is because I don't want to give any false impressions of the certainty of something or overestimate probabilities. I mean, it's hard for me to even say I will "definitely" meet you at the agreed-upon time, because I don't know that. I could get hit by a car or struck by lightning or eaten by a tiger escaped from the zoo. I could miss the bus. Inductively speaking, we're not even 100% certain that the sun will rise tomorrow. My parents are the opposite. They always promise unrealistic shit as if I'm still ten. I don't even what the shit they're promising, I just want them to stop kidding me. "I just can't commit a carnal sin with somebody who doesn't even believe that what I'm doing constitutes a carnal sin." |
|
|
03-26-2016, 11:50 PM | #509 | |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
|
Quote:
Now this doesn't go for absolutely everybody and people change, but I doubt it is personal, is what I'm trying to say. I don't know if that even means anything to you. I'm also not saying that you need to accept what she/they did as being an equally right solution to what you'd rather they had done - because it isn't. It was fucked up. I dunno, this way of thinking helps me *shrug* |
|
|
03-27-2016, 01:21 AM | #510 | |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
|
Quote:
i tend to avoid speaking in definitive terms as well, for the same reason. i just feel like i will be lying if i don't, and i'm pretty incapable of lying. the only thing i consistently lie about is "oh, you called me? yeah sorry, i didn't have my phone on me", or whatever. and that's only because answering the phone is usually stressful for me regardless of who it is. |
|
|
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Something I have noticed... | rottenugly | General Chat Archive | 38 | 04-17-2012 04:25 PM |
my very original ask me questions thread | dr.benway | General Chat Archive | 27 | 08-04-2009 05:26 PM |
del | Geek USA | General Chat Archive | 9 | 03-08-2007 07:21 PM |
why do you guys love me so much? | Floppy Nono | General Chat Archive | 11 | 03-05-2007 06:36 PM |