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03-20-2016, 08:57 PM | #331 |
Braindead
Location: I was just reading, right?
Posts: 15,023
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I don't believe in this whoever asks first should pay bullshit. You agree to hang out and buy food and beer, you can pay for it too. We're not a couple, just people hanging out.
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03-20-2016, 09:01 PM | #332 |
Minion of Satan
Posts: 6,781
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Why is everybody dwelling upon the financial aspects of social activity, anyway?
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03-20-2016, 09:04 PM | #333 |
Braindead
Location: I was just reading, right?
Posts: 15,023
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Well we're just talking, hardly dwelling. What's up with you man? You seem irritable lately.
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03-20-2016, 09:07 PM | #334 |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
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this sentence reads wonderfully like the thought process of an android. what did you mean though?
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03-20-2016, 09:09 PM | #335 |
Braindead
Location: I was just reading, right?
Posts: 15,023
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I feel anxiety and sometimes frustration. Is that what she means?
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03-20-2016, 09:09 PM | #336 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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I don't think anything is wrong with that. I even do so with my platonic friends. Last time I went it with my friend D, I believe he bought movie tickets, I bought the horribly overpriced snacks, and later we went to a fast casual restaurant where you order at the front and then they take your order to the table when it's ready, so we just ordered separately.
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03-20-2016, 09:10 PM | #337 | |
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,848
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I would think that being a couple would move things more into the bill-splitting territory.
Quote:
MY GOTT PYUAH IDEOLOGY http://36.media.tumblr.com/7ee1ebc34...o5l1o1_500.jpg |
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03-20-2016, 09:11 PM | #338 |
Braindead
Location: I was just reading, right?
Posts: 15,023
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Well yeah but I'm talking about just getting to know each other dates.
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03-20-2016, 09:11 PM | #339 | |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
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Quote:
i'm still learning the dubious art of dating but so far the bill is definitely a trick point. like, i definitely agree with everything everyone has said itt, but if you're going to frown upon paying for a couple of drinks you're likely to have a huge red light bulb light over your head that same moment. so i tend to just pick it up instead of giving it a moment to try and feel out if the girl is going to offer paying her share or not. also, your post made me sort of realize i'm 32 and have been on my first 'proper' dates this week. gah. |
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03-20-2016, 09:14 PM | #340 |
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,848
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I dunno if we have a similar problem, but it's very hard for me to make eye contact with people during conversations and I usually look around the room when talking to them instead of looking at their face or body language for visual cues that could give me valuable information about their emotions. I think it leads to a lot of discomfort, misinterpretation, and ambiguity. I'm not good at reading people.
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03-20-2016, 09:15 PM | #341 | |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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Quote:
So we talked about it the other day, and I was like... "Do people really great each other and feel really great about it make eye contact and have warm interactions, isn't that exhausting to do all the time?" And she informed me that people who like each other generally do do these things when they meet and spend time together. Also we were talking about similar things and I brought up (which was very hard) that I've been coming for 5 years and we've never actually touched in any way, you know like handshake or hug or anything. We talked about it a little. Upon reflection, I believe if I actually let her hold my hand or something I would just burst out in tears, like my intimacy is so fucking screwed up that I couldn't handle feeling the grief around how I never let anyone do things like that and actually feel that they care for me. Like I can actually imagine we might do this in therapy, as an exercise in trust (b/c I do trust her) and actually letting myself feel that this person actually cares about me and isn't going to fuck with me if I let my guard down. I'm not sure if this makes sense if you don't have attachment issues like I do. TL;DR chronic PTSD fucks up your ability to feel intimacy. i had the child abuse plus intimate partner abuse so i think i have it pretty severely, especially for someone who actually does like most people |
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03-20-2016, 09:16 PM | #342 | |
Minion of Satan
Posts: 6,781
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Quote:
Instead, I might have said, "I prefer not to focus so much upon the financial ramifications of social interaction. It is easy to plan ahead in order that your outing is affordable and, beyond that, any question of who spends what is secondary to whether or not you have a mutually enjoyable time." |
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03-20-2016, 09:19 PM | #343 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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here's the first link i found on avoidant fearful attachment. except i dont really let relationships get to the point where i find them close enough to then run away. usually.
http://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriend...rful-avoidant/ |
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03-20-2016, 09:21 PM | #344 |
Braindead
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
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03-20-2016, 09:25 PM | #345 | ||
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,749
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Quote:
Quote:
with my last girlfriend I paid for almost everything because she was broke. with my ex from before that who I dated for a few years, we used to have humorous and overly dramatic "arguments" about who gets to pay for what and what is the best way to defy gender norms in this way. I really think it's mostly contextual, but in the interest of having some sort of principle: when two people go out and the cost of the outing has not been discussed, the expectation should be that the bill (or whatever) will be split I think. If I didn't pay for a woman and she had a problem with it, I most likely would not go out with her again. I'm a big believer that worldviews and philosophies don't have to mesh to make a good couple, but I see this as sexism and I'm not cool with that. Last edited by redbreegull : 03-20-2016 at 09:31 PM. |
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03-20-2016, 09:27 PM | #346 | |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
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Quote:
i had a similar talk with my (awful) therapist back when i was still going. i would find it very hard to start up once i got inside, especially without him asking me any questions. and i would always have trouble dealing with the end of the session. like, you kind of need to go full halt and just get up and walk outside. i would always knee-jerkingly say something redundant and superficial, like "have a nice day". and i did kind of let my guard down, and that person did kind of fuck with me. i sort of wish i'd never gone. |
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03-20-2016, 09:35 PM | #347 | ||
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,848
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Quote:
Some parts of your post sounded familiar, too, but significant parts were also different from my experience (for example, my weird social detachment probably isn't from serious trauma, but just social anxiety and fear of rejection in general). Quote:
I think my entrenched interest in upholding the standard isn't the traditional "it's somehow emasculating for the dude not to pay and also it makes her owe him physical intimacy" bullshit, but rather my covert wish that one day I will be asked out by a beautiful woman who will then proceed to cover the bill. We can make this world a reality. For, uh, you know, equality and stuff... |
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03-20-2016, 09:37 PM | #348 | |
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,749
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Quote:
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03-20-2016, 09:51 PM | #349 | |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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Quote:
I usually have no problem talking to her... we talk about lots of things; unfortunately my trauma and also years of isolation made it very hard to re-enter society, and some things are still hard. And then there is processing traumas and etc. My main problem is dissociation. We have discussions where she tries to make me commit to the idea that reality really exists. I rarely do so. I think I did once. So it's not so much that we don't connect as therapist-client, but that we don't connect as human to human, you know what I mean? And I don't do that with anybody, but a good place to start is probably with her. I do trust her, at least explicitly I feel like I trust her. |
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03-20-2016, 09:53 PM | #350 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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yes, but for me anyway, I can make eye contact but not really, look at the eyes but not in them, you know what I mean? and i get away with it but it really takes away the connection. in fact my empathy is super diminished because of this in addition to the lack of intimacy/connection with another person
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03-21-2016, 01:14 AM | #351 | ||
Just Hook it to My Veins!
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,749
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Quote:
Quote:
it's way easier for me with the opposite sex. I feel significantly less comfortable with men in general. also strangely people who are farther from my own age (in either direction) are much easier for me to "get" in a social situation and understand the social cues and how to mimic their vernacular and behavior and such |
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03-21-2016, 01:33 AM | #352 | |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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Quote:
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03-21-2016, 01:36 AM | #353 | |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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Quote:
he's been with me through some shit like when i had to deal with the FBI and when our friend died last year, we worked together at one point, etc. I think I treat my doctors different in general, psych or otherwise. Connect to them more. I don't know. |
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03-21-2016, 05:24 AM | #354 | |||
Minion of Satan
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,848
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Quote:
With most people, I find it's very hard to move past pretty standard, formal conversation. I even noticed that people seem to talk to me differently from how they talk to other people, probably because I'm so boring and colorless. Like, they'll just make really safe, pleasant small-talk with me and won't really say anything that reveals much personality, but then somebody else will enter the room and I'll see them light up and crack blue jokes and tease and rib each other, like normal people seem to do. I can't really make conversation naturally, I have to consciously tell myself things like "oh, I better ask for an update on that thing this person mentioned was going on in their life in order to display polite interest and get them talking about her-/himself," and then I won't even really be listening to what they say after I prompt them because my head is somewhere else. I've also started to notice that, even during ostensibly cordial interactions with another person, I kind of feel this hostile tension beneath it all, like there's this subtext that I'm trying to shut them out or keep them at arm's length, can't really explain it. I dunno, probably just a defense thing to pre-empt rejection. Probably why I don't have close friends. Quote:
Quote:
As for empathy, in terms of concern for other people's emotions, I would say mine isn't diminished at all. In terms of being able to interpret them, I suck at that, I think. |
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03-21-2016, 12:45 PM | #355 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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I think I'm able to cognitively empathize well, but actually feeling solidarity is hard for me. As for the intimacy stuff, yes you interpreted correctly. I don't all at do it consciously but I've adopted a lifestyle where those sorts of relationships just don't happen. And it's easy to forget that I'm missing out a lot on life but not having emotional connections with people.
As for moving past formal conversation... I actually do that most of the time. I have a total mask of - maybe not intimacy, but interest in others. I mean, I AM interested in them, but the way I go about it is sort of a projection of how I would like to be perceived (which I think works well). I don't think if you asked my coworkers for example, if I'm quiet or weird or unfriendly they'd say yes. I appear to be pretty normal, I think. But there's no feelings there, there's a facade of feelings plus a connection that is unable to develop into anything deep. And I think that's normal as far as the connection part (the feeling thing is not normal), but it shouldn't be that way with everyone. There should be a small amount of people I am more intimate and have a deep connection with, and I don't have anyone. Because I don't even pursue it. But I do want it. |
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03-21-2016, 07:47 PM | #356 |
Banned
Posts: 21,169
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03-21-2016, 10:48 PM | #357 |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
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so the sex happened last night and i'm absolutely dying inside. i don't know why.
i'm so tired everything always having to be so difficult and overwhelming and barely coherent even to myself. honestly so tired. |
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03-21-2016, 10:58 PM | #358 |
BOTTLEG ILLEGAL
Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
Posts: 32,800
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what do you mean everything always having to be so difficult?
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03-21-2016, 11:31 PM | #359 |
Braindead
Location: PROWLING THE BADLANDS
Posts: 17,399
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that i can never just enjoy anything at all without being absolutely consumed by crippling anxieties of endless kinds, both during and afterward, and how always falling back to black holes of profound existentialist depression is just inevitable. i'm just so tired from it, from everything having to be a mental struggle
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03-21-2016, 11:35 PM | #360 |
Apocalyptic Poster
Location: AA meetings
Posts: 4,026
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I know that
alcohol usually helps, but I don't recommend that |
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