Netphoria Message Board


Go Back   Netphoria Message Board > General Boards > General Chat Message Board
Register Netphoria's Amazon.com Link Members List Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-19-2019, 02:21 PM   #4081
yo soy el mejor
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
yo soy el mejor's Avatar
 
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 44,548
Smile

rinse and repeat until you figure out how to fix yourself knowing that you'll never be truly "fixed"--whatever that means.

 
yo soy el mejor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 02:42 PM   #4082
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by yo soy el mejor View Post
you'll never be truly "fixed"--whatever that means.
yeah I was gonna say

I mean I ain't punk either...but I def have tortured myself trying to fit into a square peg

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 02:45 PM   #4083
FoolofaTook
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
FoolofaTook's Avatar
 
Location: Donald Trump of Netphoria
Posts: 37,215
Default

do you by any chance mean this in a sexual way?

 
FoolofaTook is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:13 PM   #4084
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,851
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
like DK what happens when you get into a relationship and realize it doesn't fix you

you still get to be anxious and uncomfortable and then one day they get bored and find someone else because for them it's not very hard
That's the thing, I don't think that a relationship will "fix" me.

That seems to be the common response to people who have concerns about not being able to attain romance. "It's not a big deal." "It's not that important." "It won't fix your problems."

But you'll notice that this sort of advice is only really given for this problem. If somebody has anxieties about having no platonic friendships, nobody ever says, "it's not a big deal, it won't fix you anyway." Same with people having financial anxieties. "Money's not a big deal, it won't fix your problems" is rarely heard. Or people who have concerns about attaining any other sort of goal. If you voiced concerns about wanting to get into grad school, for example, I doubt people would respond with "lol, attaining those scholarly goals won't fix all your problems; if you're depressed, you'll still be depressed."

Obviously, a depressed person would still be depressed even if they made friends, became more financially stable, or got into the school they wanted. People understand that these single goals wouldn't "fix" all their problems, but that the person still places value on them, their value system is valid, and it would be a good thing if they achieved these goals.

But when it comes to dating, relationships, and romance, people's knee-jerk reaction, particularly the people who haven't faced problems in this area as harshly, is to dismiss the concerns of the person expressing anxieties in this area.

It's especially ironic, because the same people who say this element of life "isn't a big deal" tend to value their partners or romantic life. Most of them wouldn't say, "you know, if my partner died or left me tomorrow, I wouldn't care, it's not a big deal." Most acknowledge that romance, dating, etc. brings value to their lives, and yet they deny that it would bring value to the life of somebody who doesn't have it.

Sometimes people who have simply been single for a while, but have a history of a normal dating life and an ability to sustain relationships, have partners, or have casual encounters, will equate their experience to somebody who has found themselves quite incapable of these things their entire lives. "Hey, I know you're unsatisfied with being single. I'm in the same boat. I've been single for a year. Trust me, it's not a big deal. I don't care about it, so you shouldn't, either." No, that's not the same boat. Those are two different boats. It's normal to be single. It's not normal to be incapable of experiencing any romance despite effort to correct this. Having negative feelings about this (so long as they don't place blame on those who reject you) is reasonable.

I understand that people are trying to make others feel better by minimizing the significance of the problem. If it's not a big deal, that's a good thing, right? Because then you don't have to be sad? People who offer this sort of advice have their hearts in the correct places, and are trying to make the other person feel better. I understand that, which is why I hold no ill will towards those who offer this kind of advice, and won't go on a Trots-style freakout on them.

But it'd be nice for them to understand that if their aim is to help the other person, this method does a poor job of it, despite their intentions. It offers no help at all, and is more likely to make the person feel dismissed.

Even therapists, people who are literally paid money to help people come up with solutions to their problems, tend to offer this kind of banal advice. Most therapists I have seen have been dismissive of this problem, to the point where I don't even want to bring it up, because it's embarrassing and I feel like it's not taken seriously. My psychiatrist is the first person to actually be understanding and not dismissive. And even though he's not dismissive, he has no idea what solutions to offer, and actually told me one of the last times I saw him "I wish I knew how to solve your problems." He has no clue what I'm doing wrong, or what to change.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:22 PM   #4085
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,851
Default

I will say that dismissive responses are at least better than responses that treat the person as bad for even having these concerns, as if it is somehow ethically wrong to be sad about being in this situation. In some circles, it's in vogue to labеl anybody who expresses sadness about this situation or wonders why they are in it as "entitled" or "creeps" under the guise of progressivism, even if the particular person in question hasn't expressed entitltement or blamed others for not being attracted to them.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:39 PM   #4086
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

catherine wheel

Last edited by Elphenor : 03-20-2019 at 03:51 AM.

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:47 PM   #4087
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

cocaine posts

Last edited by Elphenor : 03-20-2019 at 03:51 AM.

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:57 PM   #4088
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

my brain is jelly

Last edited by Elphenor : 03-20-2019 at 03:52 AM.

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2019, 02:58 AM   #4089
buzzard
Minion of Satan
 
buzzard's Avatar
 
Posts: 6,781
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
But it'd be nice for them to understand that if their aim is to help the other person, this method does a poor job of it, despite their intentions. It offers no help at all, and is more likely to make the person feel dismissed.
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.

 
buzzard is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2019, 03:24 AM   #4090
yo soy el mejor
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
yo soy el mejor's Avatar
 
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 44,548
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by buzzard View Post
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.
that is not backerds at all. we could all benefit to stop and think that maybe a person's perceived shitty behavior has nothing to do with us...especially when it comes to small stuff like that and we're not willing to tell the person how it makes us feel as if they're to know.

Re: Disco King
Who tells you stuff like,"Hey, I know you're unsatisfied with being single. I'm in the same boat. I've been single for a year. Trust me, it's not a big deal. I don't care about it, so you shouldn't, either."? Internet people? Don't believe anything they say, if that's the case. If it's your rl friends, you should tell them what you're typing us. And what shitty therapist do you people go to?

Last edited by yo soy el mejor : 03-20-2019 at 03:35 AM.

 
yo soy el mejor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-23-2019, 08:03 PM   #4091
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

omg I found my ex's Facebook by accident scouting out who's going to industrial night

now I know every place she will be on the weekends

terrible

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-23-2019, 08:03 PM   #4092
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

I use a "fake" account just to see events

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-23-2019, 08:07 PM   #4093
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

her cover photo is literally Peter Murphy

wtf!!

I took you to see him! I'm the best!

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-23-2019, 08:11 PM   #4094
redbreegull
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
redbreegull's Avatar
 
Location: N3t4Euh Haus
Posts: 32,749
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by buzzard View Post
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.
This is very good advice.

 
redbreegull is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-23-2019, 08:12 PM   #4095
FoolofaTook
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
FoolofaTook's Avatar
 
Location: Donald Trump of Netphoria
Posts: 37,215
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post

I took you to see him! I'm the best!
You what her to see him?

 
FoolofaTook is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-24-2019, 10:04 AM   #4096
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

I went to an Industrial music event on E

had some friends with me already

I ended up catching the DJ out back smoking and we talked it up about post punk his knowledge was incredible

then through him I met every goddamn goth/punk/alt in my city it felt like shaking more hands in about an hour than I have my entire life combined

this included lots of women and at 1 point I was mingling with 2 very attractive goth girls

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-24-2019, 10:07 AM   #4097
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: TX
Posts: 16,289
Default

it was surreal being surrounded by the fucking batcave outside chain smoking

I think I smoked an entire pack

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-24-2019, 10:43 AM   #4098
FoolofaTook
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
FoolofaTook's Avatar
 
Location: Donald Trump of Netphoria
Posts: 37,215
Default


 
FoolofaTook is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-24-2019, 02:16 PM   #4099
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,851
Default

Saw Deafheaven last night. I didn't even know they were coming until the day before when a friend mentioned seeing them in passing. I bought a ticket five minutes later. Good show.

At the show, I started talking to a group of girls. I was actually only intending to talk to them as "warm up" for approaching more people, but I found myself actually interested in one girl in the group who was into neuroscience.

When talking to a group of girls, I usually take all their numbers so that the others don't feel alienated, but only ask the one I'm into on a date. I've been rethinking this strategy, because it seems that it probably just gives the impression that I'm just trying to go after all of them and am not very selective. So this time, I only asked for the number of the one girl so we could talk more about neuroscience later (and she seems really excited about this), but another girl in the group was like "I want to talk more about neuroscience, too!", so I took her number, too. And she handed the phone to the third girl, so I got her number as well. I mostly paid attention to the one I was actually into, though.

After the concert, I ask them if they want to go to that pub with the '80s/gothic dance night with me, but only the girl I'm interested in comes. Up until this point, we were lightly flirting, me periodically putting my arm around her waist, her playfully pushing me in the mosh pit. During the car ride there, have my arm around her and play with her hair a bit. She seems comfortable with this, but I'm too shy and uncertain of how to escalate to something beyond that (would attempting a kiss be too abrupt? How do I build up to that?).

She buys me a drink at the dance thing. We're dancing a bit, but she seems to be more standoffish and less receptive to me dancing closer with her, especially when she runs into this friend of hers. I can't tell their relation, because his presence seems to make her less receptive to me than she was before he arrived, but they aren't dancing in a way that suggests them being more than friends. At any rate, I get the hint that she isn't into me anymore, and kind of just leave her be. I decide, "maybe I'll try to chat up other girls," but I don't really know how to approach at dance things, and the person I try to talk to for a bit doesn't seem interested. Oh well.

So, I guess I picked up a girl from a concert, bounced her to another venue, and then lost her interest there. I have no idea what changed. For a while there, I thought I was actually going to be successful.

At the afterparty, I was kind of playing and flirting with the door girl from the pub that we got to come with us, but she's one of those girls who is so naturally flirty and sexual with everyone that you don't even know if the fact that she lets you play with her bust and sticks her finger in your mouth for no reason means that she's actually interested in you. Again, I had no idea if it would be appropriate to try to escalate to a kiss or making out, or how I'd even go about doing that if it were. I ask her for drinks next week, and she sounds excited, but I didn't specify "date," and now I'm like, shit, she probably thinks I mean just "hanging out."

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-24-2019, 02:49 PM   #4100
FoolofaTook
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
FoolofaTook's Avatar
 
Location: Donald Trump of Netphoria
Posts: 37,215
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post

When talking to a group of girls, I usually take all their numbers...

 
FoolofaTook is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2019, 10:15 AM   #4101
yo soy el mejor
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
yo soy el mejor's Avatar
 
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 44,548
Default

don't confuse industrial night with service industry night again

 
yo soy el mejor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2019, 03:05 PM   #4102
myosis
Minion of Satan
 
myosis's Avatar
 
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
Default

you have that neuroscience girl's number, i would just try and call her for a date?

 
myosis is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2019, 03:34 PM   #4103
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,851
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by myosis View Post
you have that neuroscience girl's number, i would just try and call her for a date?
Eh, I dunno. Considering that she didn't seem very receptive when we went dancing, I feel like asking her out would just be like, "ugh, that guy isn't getting the hint." I don't want to come across as a creep. Like, when we were dancing, when I tried to bring her in closer the first time, she kind of resisted, gesturing toward her beer, like "maybe when I'm finished my drink so that I don't spill it." It seemed a bit more like a "not now" than a "no." Later on after she finished her drink, I tried again, and again, kind of resistant body language. After one more time, I get the hint that these aren't "not nows," thes are "nos [noes? no's?]". During the dance, I did ask her if she wanted to grab a drink later in the week, and she said yeah, but I don't know if she was just being polite.

She was receptive up until the dance, but then things turned kinda awkward, so I think I'll just leave her be. Instead, I asked out her other friend from the concert (the one who was like "I want to talk about neuroscience, too!" when I asked for the first girl's number), and she sounds enthusiastic, and we're supposed to grab a drink tomorrow night. I wasn't as attracted to her as I was the first girl, but she seemed cool and seemed to like me, as well, so may as well give it a chance. I usually wouldn't just go through a group of friends one-by-one to see which one is interested, because, you know, friends talk, and it might make me look creepy and desperate, like I'm trying to "get them all" or whatever. But these girls themselves actually just met at the concert, and didn't know each other beforehand, so they probably aren't, like, discussing me or anything.

At the concert, I told the girls that we could all hang out and go to concerts together, and they were enthusiastic about that. So, I think after this date with this girl, I'll call up the first girl, but make it clear that I'm just pitching a group hangout thing as friends with all three girls present. It might put less pressure on her and allow us to be friends if it's clear to her that I'm not pursuing dates with her anymore or anything. She's still really cool and smart, and I'd love to still have her as a friend. But if she doesn't know I'm not "trying to get something more" than that, she'll probably be too uncomfortable and skeptical to hang out with me.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2019, 04:18 PM   #4104
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,851
Default

I guess one little problem I've been having is that when dating stuff doesn't work out with a person, I tend to still try to keep them around as a friend because I find them cool and interesting and value them, even if we're not dating or anything. Like, unless you've actaully fallen in love with somebody, I don't think a platonic friendship is unhealthy.

But I've gone through this process with so many girls that I end up not really having the time to hang out with all of them, anyway. At some point, I'm going to have to give up the illusion that it's practical to still try to be friends with all of them.

But I also don't want to just discard them because we aren't dating.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2019, 04:25 PM   #4105
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,851
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by buzzard View Post
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.
I think I probably do have too much of that "nice guy" syndrome where I focus so much on being agreeable and minimizing social conflict that I come off as having no personality at all and not being very attractive. I've definitely made strides, and my dates today are less stilted than when I started out, but I've got a ways to go.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2019, 05:28 PM   #4106
myosis
Minion of Satan
 
myosis's Avatar
 
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
Default

i'm guessing that on top of that, your overcalcutating everything probably bleeds through, on top of your attempts at "physical contact" that you're not even comfortable with yourself, which might certainly make someone uncomfortable because you send mixed signals all over the place.

 
myosis is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2019, 05:34 PM   #4107
myosis
Minion of Satan
 
myosis's Avatar
 
Location: the institute
Posts: 6,421
Default

i understand that you're trying to get physical straight away because you pondered in the past that this was a highly probable cause of failure, i.e. not being flirty enough therefore losing the girl's interest.

but maybe you'd like to take a step back and try to enjoy spending a night out with a girl without an artifical urge of proximity... are you following your own rhythm, or is it one imposed by your heuristics?

 
myosis is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2019, 05:50 PM   #4108
FoolofaTook
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
FoolofaTook's Avatar
 
Location: Donald Trump of Netphoria
Posts: 37,215
Default

I walked the grimalkin gauntlet yesterday but only saw five felines. They all gazed at me tho.

 
FoolofaTook is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 04-04-2019, 11:41 PM   #4109
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,851
Default

I was sitting in a pub alone and I saw a couple start kissing passionately and it made me sad, so I had to move seats.

"Two lovers entwined passed me by
And heaven knows I'm miserable now"

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 04-04-2019, 11:42 PM   #4110
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 8,851
Default

Then I sat at the bar and ran into an acquaintance. He's cool. Now I'm less sad.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Google


Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Something I have noticed... rottenugly General Chat Archive 38 04-17-2012 04:25 PM
my very original ask me questions thread dr.benway General Chat Archive 27 08-04-2009 05:26 PM
biggest board loser (with poll) dean_r_koontz General Chat Archive 198 05-07-2008 05:20 PM
I didn't realize people on this board were actually smashing pumpkin fans. I Ate My Hamster General Chat Archive 29 06-12-2007 11:49 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:16 AM.




Smashing Pumpkins, Alternative Music
& General Discussion Message Board and Forums
www.netphoria.org - Copyright © 1998-2022