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Old 03-10-2020, 04:27 PM   #1
killtrocity
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Default yo wtf is up with HGTV?

Ok so disclaimer right off the bat: I watch this channel twice a year, when I go to the dentist. There's a TV on the ceiling and the dentists are apparently obsessed with concocting opulent yet banal schemes for quickly ridding themselves of their disposable income. TBH it's really cool to watch home improvement shit. Never know when I'll need to blow $200k on removing every interior wall from a home I might own someday because it looks too Bohemian or whatever. But yeah, good to know how to do that. So when they ask if I'm OK with HGTV, my response is usually something to the effect of "oh yes, I love HGTV. I'm defintely not a filthy non-property-owning prole." Once I asked them to put on ESPN, and immediately wished that I had instead requested to be ritualistically kicked in the testicles while strapped to my chair. So HGTV it is.

For today's installment, Brad was really upset that his home would only have 3 bathrooms instead of 4, which meant that when his mother came to visit, she would need to actually SHARE A BATHROOM with other people. What this actually means, I'm not sure. Maybe his mother has some sort of shitting disease which requires her to poop a lot. Maybe she doesn't want other people putting their asses where her ass has been and vice versa. In not entirely sure. Maybe everyone in this family showers at exactly the same time, therefore precluding Brad's mom from going poo for a 30 minute time period during the day.

So yeah, aside from Stanton's mom and her toilet problem, these folks weren't particularly jazzed about their driveway, which was described as "carnival-esque". Looked like a driveway to me. I can only assume that I would understand Brad and Karen's distaste for the driveway if I weren't a dirty plebian.

What else... oh yes. The basement was too cold in the winter, and too hot in the summer. Or maybe it was the other way around. Doesn't fucking make sense because it's 2020 and there's this stuff called methane that the gas company pumps into your house so that you can make it hot whenever you want. Fuckin bourgeois idiots. I think they were under the impression that the furnace was there for its Bohemian aestethic.

Anyway they go through all of this shit and Carlton is like "hmmm this is ok but it's a 45 minute drive from my work". Gee maybe you could have said something before we wasted all of this fucking time talking about your mom's shitty asshole.

Then the TV real estate person somehow magically finds a nearly identical place with a 15 minute commute. Because in real life a house in bumfuck costs the same as a house in a city.

What are your experiences with HGTV? Am I out of touch? Am I a dirty plebian?

 
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Old 03-10-2020, 08:11 PM   #2
slunken
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time is valuable and as long as it's enriching your life...

 
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Old 03-10-2020, 09:13 PM   #3
ilikeplanets
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HGTV is an inferior TLC

 
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Old 03-11-2020, 11:08 AM   #4
topleybird
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Lightbulb

Imagine trying to throw your weight around as someone with a show on this network, expecting even people who watch it regularly to recognize you, their eyes instead staring right through your skull as they tell you there are no tables available

Hell, I might start telling people I have a show. Budget Builders. Fixer-Upper to Fabulous. Who the fuck would ever know

 
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Old 03-11-2020, 12:52 PM   #5
ilikeplanets
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Still inferior to being on a TLC show.

Imagine being the clout of being on an episode of Hoarders or My 600 lb Life. People would literally clear the fuck out of your way.

 
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