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Old 06-09-2016, 01:02 PM   #31
ilikeplanets
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So yeah anxiety. I get it

 
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Old 06-09-2016, 04:54 PM   #32
Cool As Ice Cream
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Del to you too, ilp. Del to you too.

 
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Old 06-09-2016, 04:59 PM   #33
Sonic Johnny
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Ive been on Valium for a week it's the shit

 
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Old 06-09-2016, 05:05 PM   #34
yo soy el mejor
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it must be the indian blood in me, but i hate medicine. i hate pills. i hate not knowing how it's affecting my body aside what it supposedly does. i've tried pills and weird birth control inserted in my body and f it all. i'm left with more problems and the notion that i haven't done anything besides get some crutches i will need to use forever.

 
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Old 06-09-2016, 05:10 PM   #35
Disco King
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redbreegull View Post
I know you guys are right and I'm hoping with more time I will continue to feel more comfortable. Honestly, just hearing people here confirm that keeping things in perspective, my situation is not anything weirder than a thousand other things I'm sure he has heard helps
Yeah, there's a lot of stuff I've been holding back from my therapist because it seems to "silly" or "weird." But I guess it's their job to deal with weird shit so I should just tell her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
I read that post though

Your sister is being pretty awful
Thanks.

I keep on wondering if she's being completely reasonable, and I just can't see it due to my bias or something. It's nice to have a couple people agree with me, but at the same time, you only have my version of events, so it's possible that I've unconsciously been skewing things to make myself look in the right. I dunno.

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Originally Posted by ilikeplanets View Post
And thanks turalyon, that means a lot.

Also....do you guys ever have an overwhelming anxiety about death? It's inevitability, and the mystery of it, etc. I sure do and it kind of dampens my happiness. Like, I'm afraid of what dying is going to feel like. Obviously it will hurt enough to kill me how to cope?
It's not death itself I'm afraid of, but I'm afraid of dying a failure and never really having accomplished anything or lived a fulfilling life. I always feel like time is just passing me by, but I'm just in stasis and haven't really done anything, and soon it will be over. Like, I sit on this stupid computer doing nothing, look at the clock, and shit, how did I lose two hours just like that? Or, summer ends, and all the stuff I had on my to-do list is left undone.

It's this weird paradox where it seems my life is so pointless that I'm embarrassed to exist, and yet, if I just decided to end it, it would just be the ultimate failure because I would have died without ever mattering, so I can't do that, either. It would be fine to die if I did something with my life, but if my life were fulfilling, I probably wouldn't feel like dying anyway.

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Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
Sometimes I do think about the concept of eternal nothingness and I think it's pretty fucking terrifying in its absoluteness
The idea of non-existence and the void isn't something I find that frightening. I guess I have a bit of an Epicurean view of it (not in the popular sense of the term, but in the sense of what Epicurus actually said). Death isn't the worst thing, because you're not experiencing anything bad. "Where you are, death is not, and where death is, you are not."

But obviously that doesn't mean that I wanna be dead right now, because there's shit in life I care about.

 
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Old 06-09-2016, 06:55 PM   #36
reprise85
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time goes by and i forget
just who i am
how did i get here?
time goes by and i'm alive
sustaining lies to get me through the day
time to get up again
i'll play the game
hell, i can't escape it
time to go to sleep again
another day, my mistake

waste an hour or waste a day
it's all the same
when nothing matters
living my life inside my brain
i can't explain, and i can't escape

 
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Old 06-09-2016, 07:01 PM   #37
reprise85
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post

Aw shit I wrote another novel and did that thing where I selfishly use somebody else talking about their problems as an excuse to make it all about mine instead. Sorry.
This is how human communication works, dude.

Your sister is being shitty, I'm sorry. She does sound rather selfish but I think you may also be very selfless and could use some more selfishness. She's doing what she thinks is best for her... and that sucks for you, and her pretending the place she thought was gross isn't just to get you our of her hair isn't right. She should have given you a lot of time to find a place and not just sprung shit on you like this and that's not right. But ultimately she doesn't owe you and you also don't owe her. Sorry that's probably not helpful.

 
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Old 06-10-2016, 02:44 AM   #38
Cool As Ice Cream
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i think you're right, reprise.
some of it isn't very nice, but she can go and live on her own if she wants that.

how long till you graduate, discoking?

 
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Old 06-10-2016, 04:43 AM   #39
Disco King
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Originally Posted by reprise85 View Post
This is how human communication works, dude.

Your sister is being shitty, I'm sorry. She does sound rather selfish but I think you may also be very selfless and could use some more selfishness. She's doing what she thinks is best for her... and that sucks for you, and her pretending the place she thought was gross isn't just to get you our of her hair isn't right. She should have given you a lot of time to find a place and not just sprung shit on you like this and that's not right. But ultimately she doesn't owe you and you also don't owe her. Sorry that's probably not helpful.
Yeah, I suppose she doesn't owe it to me to have given me more time, but it does feel shitty.

I do feel like I never really live my own life because I'm always trying to placate other people, though. Just tonight, it was decided that I'll go live with my parents again.

Last time I talked to my mom two nights ago, she told me she wanted me to move back in with them, and I told them I'd think about it. To see what my options were for alleviating the financial burden of finding my own place, my therapist recommended I book an appointment with case management, which might be able to offer rent supports. But then tonight, my mom visited again, and continued to plead for me to move back in with them. I told her that I was still thinking about it and would get back to them when I had decided what I want to do, but she wouldn't really let up and kept pleading, talking about how bad she feels about me not living with her because she feels like she's not helping me, how she's so sad with me gone, etc. When I mentioned my case management appointment, she said it made her really sad that I was "going to other people for help when I still had her." She would try to tell me my mental state for me, by saying she "knows" I'm "not ready to be on my own" yet.

I know her feelings were genuine, but it kind of strikes me that she's asking me to consider this choice, but it doesn't even seem to occur to her that begging somebody until they change their mind just to make you happy isn't really a free choice, and that I was guilted into it. When I finally capitulated, she hugged me and said she was so happy I "made the right choice," how even my sister thinks it's a good idea for me to move back in with my parents, and will be relieved (of course she thinks that, she wants to get rid of Mother didn't even seem to notice that I wasn't smiling or very enthusiastic at the time, or ask me how I felt about the decision. It made her happy and made her feel better about her self, so that was enough. That's the pattern with everything with my family. Nothing is ever about what I want. It's about what everyone else wants.

It's funny because when I was talking about my dilemma with my therapist, and she asked me how I would feel if I moved back in with my parents, I mentioned that I would sure feel guilty if I didn't, and she reminded me that I may feel resentful if I just move in with them to please them, and that rang true. And I do feel very resentful after essentially being pestered into making that decision. I don't think anybody will notice, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cool As Ice Cream View Post
i think you're right, reprise.
some of it isn't very nice, but she can go and live on her own if she wants that.

how long till you graduate, discoking?
I've just got another year, assuming I don't take an additional semester after that to try to get another minor.

I was considering that before, but since my mother says she's fine with me deciding I want to move out after I finish school, I just want to get school over with now.

 
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Old 06-10-2016, 05:57 AM   #40
buzzard
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Unsolicited advice and all, but you could approach the move with a view to preparing for a timely exit. Assuming that you'll be saving a great deal of money, a bit of wise spending and you'll probably be ready to go again before long.

Steel yourself against the tantrum and accusations of ingratitude that'll likely occur when you've set yourself up to pull the trigger.

 
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Old 06-10-2016, 11:00 AM   #41
run2pee
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
Yeah, I suppose she doesn't owe it to me to have given me more time, but it does feel shitty.

I do feel like I never really live my own life because I'm always trying to placate other people, though. Just tonight, it was decided that I'll go live with my parents again.

Last time I talked to my mom two nights ago, she told me she wanted me to move back in with them, and I told them I'd think about it. To see what my options were for alleviating the financial burden of finding my own place, my therapist recommended I book an appointment with case management, which might be able to offer rent supports. But then tonight, my mom visited again, and continued to plead for me to move back in with them. I told her that I was still thinking about it and would get back to them when I had decided what I want to do, but she wouldn't really let up and kept pleading, talking about how bad she feels about me not living with her because she feels like she's not helping me, how she's so sad with me gone, etc. When I mentioned my case management appointment, she said it made her really sad that I was "going to other people for help when I still had her." She would try to tell me my mental state for me, by saying she "knows" I'm "not ready to be on my own" yet.

I know her feelings were genuine, but it kind of strikes me that she's asking me to consider this choice, but it doesn't even seem to occur to her that begging somebody until they change their mind just to make you happy isn't really a free choice, and that I was guilted into it. When I finally capitulated, she hugged me and said she was so happy I "made the right choice," how even my sister thinks it's a good idea for me to move back in with my parents, and will be relieved (of course she thinks that, she wants to get rid of Mother didn't even seem to notice that I wasn't smiling or very enthusiastic at the time, or ask me how I felt about the decision. It made her happy and made her feel better about her self, so that was enough. That's the pattern with everything with my family. Nothing is ever about what I want. It's about what everyone else wants.

It's funny because when I was talking about my dilemma with my therapist, and she asked me how I would feel if I moved back in with my parents, I mentioned that I would sure feel guilty if I didn't, and she reminded me that I may feel resentful if I just move in with them to please them, and that rang true. And I do feel very resentful after essentially being pestered into making that decision. I don't think anybody will notice, though.



I've just got another year, assuming I don't take an additional semester after that to try to get another minor.

I was considering that before, but since my mother says she's fine with me deciding I want to move out after I finish school, I just want to get school over with now.
Wow disco that's funny you mention the guilt/capitulation/resentment cycle, I've been thinking about that a lot myself. I do it constantly, and what's funny is it starts with trying to be caring/good (thinking you are giving someone what they clearly really want from you, thus being unselfish) but subconsciously I begin to build a case against the person which often ends with cutting them completely off when the straw breaks my camels backs n such. Probably leaving other person bewildered, as I never set appropriate boundaries in the 1st place: why should they respect them?

It's really unhealthy and I'm starting to see part of it begins with this subconscious premise, almost as if something's whispering in my ear "you are selfish, dumb, and your judgment is shot." If I can't trust my own judgments/feelings, there's no reason not to let someone else bully me, and I'll get the false surge of self-righteousness that I'm being so unselfish---but then the relationship ends up killed in the end

I can hear you saying this sometimes like I hear the voice saying to me: "you are insignificant, you are a child with no rights." Maybe confront this voice, don't let it run you into he ground

 
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