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Old 12-15-2002, 03:32 PM   #1
Samsa
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Default ahh ha h ah. how to ward off unwanted advances (teh funny is here)



Report from Week CXLVII, in which you were asked to become The Terminator, and come up with responses to some unwanted advance that would stop the approach in its tracks.


A T-shirt goes to John T. Durkin, who has developed a fine telemarketer protection shield: As soon as he ascertains the caller is trying to sell him something, John robustly breaks into song. Show tunes, usually. He favors "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat" from "Guys and Dolls" because there is a high G in the second line "and that really echoes in the headsets." Usually this does the trick nicely. Once, he said, a telemarketer listened politely, applauded, and then went calmly into his spiel, at which point John segued into "I'm Henry the Eighth I Am." The guy finally hung up when John got to the line "Second verse, same as the first."

Also, a T-shirt to Cecilia Albans of Leesburg, who shares the telemarketer shield used by her 15-year-old: "My mom can't come to the phone. She's in the shower. No, my dad can't come, either. He's in the shower with her."



DThird Runner-Up: Missionaries at the door: "Sorry, I'm just the burglar. Can you give me a hand with the VCR here?"

(Brian C. Broadus, Charlottesville; Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan)

DSecond Runner-Up: Vacuum cleaner salesman: "Quick, get in here. The baby's coming out butt first, and I'm gonna need some help with the blood." (Robert Doherty, Alexandria)

DFirst Runner-Up: Telemarketer: "Correctly answer these questions three, and I will buy some thing from thee. One, what is the Latin name for the gauzy, ribbonlike larva of the east Asian eel?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

DAnd the winner of the tea-bag-dunking-penguin travelogue:

Prostitute: "Actually, I charge women a lot more than you're asking. Well, I guess it would be fair if you just pay me the difference." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

DHonorable Mentions:

Political activist in the street: "Hey, I know you. You're the guy who killed my cat! I can't believe it! Right here in front of me, bold as brass, the guy who killed my cat! Hey, everybody, this is the guy who killed my cat!"

(Bird Waring, New York)

Telemarketer: "Please talk verr-ry slowww-ly, because I want to write down ev-er-ry word you say."

(Shaina Stark, Darnestown)

Door-to-door gutter cleaner: "Sure, and can you look for my pet black mamba when you are up there? He got away this

morning." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Perfume spritzer at the mall: "Boy, am I glad to see you. Let me get my blouse off so you can target the precise source of the problem." (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Long-distance service telemarketer:

"Sorry, I don't have a telephone."

(Rebecca Nilson-Owens, Madison, Wis.;

Richard Wong, Arlington)

Sidewalk three-card monte dealer:

"Can we just play for funsies?"

(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Adopt a Greyhound: "I don't know, they look a little tough and stringy to me." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Will you accept a collect call?": "Will you

accept a blast from my air horn?"

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Telemarketer: "We're trying to teach little Susie to use the telephone, so I'm putting her on now." (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt)

Panhandler: "Sure. Can you change a deutschmark?" (Mark Young, Washington)

Insurance salesman: "If I commit suicide tomorrow, how quickly can my family

collect?" (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Telemarketer: "Hi, we're the Smiths and we are hearing-impaired. Using the

letters on the keypad, please spell out your message." (Judith Cottrill, New York)

Girl Scout cookies: "I am sorry, but I am not allowed by law to come within 200 feet of a Girl Scout. Unless you would like to sign this waiver . . ."

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Prostitute: "Sure. Do you have change for a five?" (Kurt Riefner, Fairbanks, Alaska;

Roy Ashley, Washington)

Salesman at the door: "Good timing! We need another hostage."

(Robert Doherty, Alexandria)

Guy selling vinyl siding: "Vinyl siding killed my parents."

(Robert Doherty, Alexandria)

Panhandler: "Change? May I suggest your underwear, my good man?"

(Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)

Newspaper subscription caller:

"Excellent. Does it come in Braille?"

(Kurt Riefner, Fairbanks, Alaska)

Next Week: Homonymbecility


2002 The Washington Post Company

 
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Old 12-15-2002, 03:37 PM   #2
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I like the girlscout one and the newspaper braille one....

 
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Old 12-15-2002, 03:46 PM   #3
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i thought the intro with the guy who sings to telemarketers was hilaaaaaaaaaaaaarious

AHHH HA HA

 
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Old 12-15-2002, 04:22 PM   #4
jenniferkate
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Salesman at the door: "Good timing! We need another hostage."


that almost makes me wish we got door to door salesmen. almost.

 
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Old 12-16-2002, 05:29 AM   #5
I Ate My Hamster
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I like inviting them in and seeing how long they hang around. If you smoke weed or start chugging beers in front of them, they just leave.

 
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Old 12-16-2002, 09:36 AM   #6
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That's kind of sad. I'm one of those people who always lets telemarketers/door-to-door folks give their speil. I mean, I'll hang up on telemarketers if they are insistent--no, I don't need a credit card, for the millionth time--but generally they are just trying to do their job without being pricks about it. Same thing with salespeople, although I have no qualms about slamming the door on people if I've declined them repeatedly. I generally let the religious people stick around and give me their stuff, at least. They're usually way nicer than most people I meet, if a bit pushy.

 
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Old 12-16-2002, 11:52 AM   #7
jenniferkate
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Quote:
Originally posted by sawdust restaurants
That's kind of sad. I'm one of those people who always lets telemarketers/door-to-door folks give their speil. I mean, I'll hang up on telemarketers if they are insistent--no, I don't need a credit card, for the millionth time--but generally they are just trying to do their job without being pricks about it.
everyone i've known that's been a telemarketer has said the same thing: if youre not interested, hang up right away. otherwise youre wasting their time as well as your own.

 
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Old 12-16-2002, 12:01 PM   #8
Affect
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Quote:
Originally posted by jenniferkate


everyone i've known that's been a telemarketer has said the same thing: if youre not interested, hang up right away. otherwise youre wasting their time as well as your own.
You must know a great deal of goon ass telemarketers.

My advice to them: GET A REAL FUCKING JOB!

 
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