Netphoria Message Board


Go Back   Netphoria Message Board > General Boards > General Chat Message Board
Register Netphoria's Amazon.com Link Members List Photo Album Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-19-2019, 02:07 PM   #4081
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: Shivers
Posts: 15,595
Default

like DK what happens when you get into a relationship and realize it doesn't fix you

you still get to be anxious and uncomfortable and then one day they get bored and find someone else because for them it's not very hard

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 02:21 PM   #4082
yo soy el mejor
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
yo soy el mejor's Avatar
 
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 41,814
Smile

rinse and repeat until you figure out how to fix yourself knowing that you'll never be truly "fixed"--whatever that means.

 
yo soy el mejor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 02:42 PM   #4083
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: Shivers
Posts: 15,595
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by yo soy el mejor View Post
you'll never be truly "fixed"--whatever that means.
yeah I was gonna say

I mean I ain't punk either...but I def have tortured myself trying to fit into a square peg

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 02:45 PM   #4084
FoolofaTook
Immortal
 
FoolofaTook's Avatar
 
Posts: 28,287
Default

do you by any chance mean this in a sexual way?

 
FoolofaTook is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:13 PM   #4085
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 6,250
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
like DK what happens when you get into a relationship and realize it doesn't fix you

you still get to be anxious and uncomfortable and then one day they get bored and find someone else because for them it's not very hard
That's the thing, I don't think that a relationship will "fix" me.

That seems to be the common response to people who have concerns about not being able to attain romance. "It's not a big deal." "It's not that important." "It won't fix your problems."

But you'll notice that this sort of advice is only really given for this problem. If somebody has anxieties about having no platonic friendships, nobody ever says, "it's not a big deal, it won't fix you anyway." Same with people having financial anxieties. "Money's not a big deal, it won't fix your problems" is rarely heard. Or people who have concerns about attaining any other sort of goal. If you voiced concerns about wanting to get into grad school, for example, I doubt people would respond with "lol, attaining those scholarly goals won't fix all your problems; if you're depressed, you'll still be depressed."

Obviously, a depressed person would still be depressed even if they made friends, became more financially stable, or got into the school they wanted. People understand that these single goals wouldn't "fix" all their problems, but that the person still places value on them, their value system is valid, and it would be a good thing if they achieved these goals.

But when it comes to dating, relationships, and romance, people's knee-jerk reaction, particularly the people who haven't faced problems in this area as harshly, is to dismiss the concerns of the person expressing anxieties in this area.

It's especially ironic, because the same people who say this element of life "isn't a big deal" tend to value their partners or romantic life. Most of them wouldn't say, "you know, if my partner died or left me tomorrow, I wouldn't care, it's not a big deal." Most acknowledge that romance, dating, etc. brings value to their lives, and yet they deny that it would bring value to the life of somebody who doesn't have it.

Sometimes people who have simply been single for a while, but have a history of a normal dating life and an ability to sustain relationships, have partners, or have casual encounters, will equate their experience to somebody who has found themselves quite incapable of these things their entire lives. "Hey, I know you're unsatisfied with being single. I'm in the same boat. I've been single for a year. Trust me, it's not a big deal. I don't care about it, so you shouldn't, either." No, that's not the same boat. Those are two different boats. It's normal to be single. It's not normal to be incapable of experiencing any romance despite effort to correct this. Having negative feelings about this (so long as they don't place blame on those who reject you) is reasonable.

I understand that people are trying to make others feel better by minimizing the significance of the problem. If it's not a big deal, that's a good thing, right? Because then you don't have to be sad? People who offer this sort of advice have their hearts in the correct places, and are trying to make the other person feel better. I understand that, which is why I hold no ill will towards those who offer this kind of advice, and won't go on a Trots-style freakout on them.

But it'd be nice for them to understand that if their aim is to help the other person, this method does a poor job of it, despite their intentions. It offers no help at all, and is more likely to make the person feel dismissed.

Even therapists, people who are literally paid money to help people come up with solutions to their problems, tend to offer this kind of banal advice. Most therapists I have seen have been dismissive of this problem, to the point where I don't even want to bring it up, because it's embarrassing and I feel like it's not taken seriously. My psychiatrist is the first person to actually be understanding and not dismissive. And even though he's not dismissive, he has no idea what solutions to offer, and actually told me one of the last times I saw him "I wish I knew how to solve your problems." He has no clue what I'm doing wrong, or what to change.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:22 PM   #4086
Disco King
Minion of Satan
 
Disco King's Avatar
 
Location: Banned
Posts: 6,250
Default

I will say that dismissive responses are at least better than responses that treat the person as bad for even having these concerns, as if it is somehow ethically wrong to be sad about being in this situation. In some circles, it's in vogue to labеl anybody who expresses sadness about this situation or wonders why they are in it as "entitled" or "creeps" under the guise of progressivism, even if the particular person in question hasn't expressed entitltement or blamed others for not being attracted to them.

 
Disco King is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:39 PM   #4087
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: Shivers
Posts: 15,595
Default

catherine wheel

Last edited by Elphenor : 03-20-2019 at 03:51 AM.

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:47 PM   #4088
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: Shivers
Posts: 15,595
Default

cocaine posts

Last edited by Elphenor : 03-20-2019 at 03:51 AM.

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 04:57 PM   #4089
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: Shivers
Posts: 15,595
Default

my brain is jelly

Last edited by Elphenor : 03-20-2019 at 03:52 AM.

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2019, 02:58 AM   #4090
buzzard
Minion of Satan
 
buzzard's Avatar
 
Posts: 5,616
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
But it'd be nice for them to understand that if their aim is to help the other person, this method does a poor job of it, despite their intentions. It offers no help at all, and is more likely to make the person feel dismissed.
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.

 
buzzard is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2019, 03:24 AM   #4091
yo soy el mejor
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
yo soy el mejor's Avatar
 
Location: all over the Internet
Posts: 41,814
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by buzzard View Post
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.
that is not backerds at all. we could all benefit to stop and think that maybe a person's perceived shitty behavior has nothing to do with us...especially when it comes to small stuff like that and we're not willing to tell the person how it makes us feel as if they're to know.

Re: Disco King
Who tells you stuff like,"Hey, I know you're unsatisfied with being single. I'm in the same boat. I've been single for a year. Trust me, it's not a big deal. I don't care about it, so you shouldn't, either."? Internet people? Don't believe anything they say, if that's the case. If it's your rl friends, you should tell them what you're typing us. And what shitty therapist do you people go to?

Last edited by yo soy el mejor : 03-20-2019 at 03:35 AM.

 
yo soy el mejor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old Today, 08:03 PM   #4092
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: Shivers
Posts: 15,595
Default

omg I found my ex's Facebook by accident scouting out who's going to industrial night

now I know every place she will be on the weekends

terrible

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old Today, 08:03 PM   #4093
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: Shivers
Posts: 15,595
Default

I use a "fake" account just to see events

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old Today, 08:07 PM   #4094
Elphenor
Braindead
 
Elphenor's Avatar
 
Location: Shivers
Posts: 15,595
Default

her cover photo is literally Peter Murphy

wtf!!

I took you to see him! I'm the best!

 
Elphenor is offline
Reply With Quote
Old Today, 08:11 PM   #4095
redbreegull
Just Hook it to My Veins!
 
redbreegull's Avatar
 
Location: WILD BOY
Posts: 30,724
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by buzzard View Post
Though I can only operate on what you've volunteered in threads, my impression is that you are often cruelly undone by a generosity of spirit and general eagerness to please. Through the broken Google Translate of unspoken interpersonal psychology, the best of intentions can be felt as pressure and repel.

As backwards as it might sound, focusing a little more on what you want from others might ultimately prove beneficial to all parties. I realize that this likely comes off as unclear, but it could help to consider as an example the behaviors of those that have had the greatest impressions upon you and whether the individuals concerned put much direct effort into ensuring that you were having a good time.
This is very good advice.

 
redbreegull is offline
Reply With Quote
Old Today, 08:12 PM   #4096
FoolofaTook
Immortal
 
FoolofaTook's Avatar
 
Posts: 28,287
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post

I took you to see him! I'm the best!
You what her to see him?

 
FoolofaTook is offline
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Google


Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Something I have noticed... rottenugly General Chat Archive 38 04-17-2012 04:25 PM
my very original ask me questions thread dr.benway General Chat Archive 27 08-04-2009 05:26 PM
biggest board loser (with poll) dean_r_koontz General Chat Archive 198 05-07-2008 05:20 PM
I didn't realize people on this board were actually smashing pumpkin fans. I Ate My Hamster General Chat Archive 29 06-12-2007 11:49 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:50 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

Smashing Pumpkins, Alternative Music
& General Discussion Message Board and Forums
www.netphoria.org - Copyright 1998-2014