The Official Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon/Tue drunk/drugs/sad sex thread

[ilikeplanets]

that's rough to have that happen back to back

and yes, usually "let's just be friends" is a polite way to break things off at least in my experience. the exceptions do happen, but usually only if there was a very solid friendship prior to any sort of romantic relationship.

there are a lot of women in the world that cherish a sincere and intelligent person with a kind approach to dating. it can be a difficult numbers game until you find a solid match, and even then there's little guarantee about permanence. where do you usually meet people? sometimes it helps to know if you have a lot in common beforehand, which might give you more courage/make things less awkward. they say opposites attract but i don't think that's the case very often.

[ilikeplanets]

Originally Posted by Disco King

Also, ever been asked a question that just dissolves you into the void?

A friend of mine the other day was asking me if I was close to my parents. I was like, "uh... definitely not close to my dad. I love my mother and feel affection toward her, but we don't engage in anything other than small talk because it doesn't seem like we have a lot of common ground to talk about."

My friend then asks me, "have to ever been close to anyone?"

And I realize that I really haven't. I've had friends. Never a close "I tell them everything" friend. I have friends I laugh with, not friends I cry with.

So, I kind of just realized I've been a robot my entire life and have never had a true close one and I'm a ghost in the void. (A robot can be a ghost. Who says it can't? Fuck you.)

do you think any part of this is intentional on your behalf? i'm a very private person and don't really share what's on my mind for myriad reasons, but i make an effort to confide at least something to the people i'm closest to. it's a little uncomfortable sometimes but it does make any type of relationship closer, and is usually reciprocated. people like to feel trustworthy. and even private people want some sort of intimacy. even if you don't feel comfortable sharing anything specific, just admitting you have trouble opening up can help people understand you a little more.

[Elphenor]

well you don't develop these social skills without practice wouldn't be so hard on yourself

you've been able to ask for dates

you were able to initiate physical contact and ask for a form of intimacy you should take those as victories, and consider that previously you would have thought you'd never manage

build on it slowly moving further outside your comfort zone

[Elphenor]

my first day out in the field at my new sales job I was terrified to talk to people, then terrified to ask for obligations, and now I'm working at being able to go for the close

I take every small victory I can even when I'm not selling

[Elphenor]

you should buy new clothes

[Disco King]

Originally Posted by ilikeplanets

that's rough to have that happen back to back

and yes, usually "let's just be friends" is a polite way to break things off at least in my experience. the exceptions do happen, but usually only if there was a very solid friendship prior to any sort of romantic relationship.

there are a lot of women in the world that cherish a sincere and intelligent person with a kind approach to dating. it can be a difficult numbers game until you find a solid match, and even then there's little guarantee about permanence. where do you usually meet people? sometimes it helps to know if you have a lot in common beforehand, which might give you more courage/make things less awkward. they say opposites attract but i don't think that's the case very often.

I usually meet people just about anywhere... on campus, on transit, at the grocery store.

Girl who broke things off today, I met her at a club. It's actually a funny story. One day at work, I complimented this woman's dye job, and she just offers to give me her number unsolicited (of course I would never ask for a customer's number on the job). She says she's new in town, and wants to meet people.

I invite her for drinks, but she says it's easier if I come over so that she doesn't need to get a sitter.

A few days later, she asks if it's okay if she also invites a "guy she's seeing." I obviously misinterpreted her intentions, but that was okay with me, still down to make friends. I tell her "sure," and she says she'll invite a few people and make it a dinner party.

So I go, with some vegan side-dishes for the vegan potluck in hand, and there are two guys already there. I ask them how they know the host, and they say "Tinder." I've never used Tinder, but I know that it's got a function for finding platonic friend groups. I ask them if they used that, and they're like "...no." So, I'm thinking this is some kind of polyamorous thing, but I'm still confused about whether I'm one of the "suitors" in her harem, or if I'm just here on a friend basis. I just try not to overthink it and just have fun. The true nature of the situation will reveal itself organically. Everybody there is pretty chill, and her son is adorable.

After eating, they want to go clubbing. I tell them I'm not much of a dancer or clubber and will probably just call it a night, but they insist I go with them. I say "sure," and I go. It's all techno/house/DJ stuff, which doesn't appeal to me, and then I spot this girl who looks as out-of-place there as I do in a cute monochromatic outfit. I chat to her, find out she's an art-school grad who specializes in textile sculpture, and I get her number. Eventually, we would go on dates.

The first thing we did when we started texting was make fun of all the spirit-hooded candy kids at the club. She told me my texts always made her laugh.

I just thought it was a pretty cute way to meet, finding a similar person in the most unlikely of places, which I happened to be at purely by chance. We did have a lot in common on our dates, but we were also both awkward and shy. There would be pauses in conversations sometimes, but I was comfortable with the pauses. It didn't feel like the sort of pauses that happen when you just aren't into somebody. The other girl I was seeing who also broke things off, we would talk non-stop with no pauses, but I still wasn't as into her. Sometimes the connection is deeper than the words. I identified with the other girl on so many levels.

[myosis]

just wondering why do you feel that you have to force physical intimacy?

[ilikeplanets]

social apps aren't always a bad thing, although it's impossible to know if there's real chemistry until you meet someone in person. but communicating online can help you get to know someone a little bit more first, at least in theory. it definitely has its limits but i think the stigma about it is a little too harsh. if you're not into the scene at conventional singles places like clubs or bars, it might behoove you to try and get to know people at places you DO like to be. plus you're always a little more comfortable if you're enjoying yourself.

admittedly, talking to the other awkward person at a club is a little cinematic and adorable. i'm sorry it didn't work out. are you still in your early 20s or dating people in their early 20s? once you approach your 30s people start to mature in a significant way and a lot of the flakiness stops.

[myosis]

i would be more inclined to approach a date as an opportunity to make a new friend first and foremost, this keeps the pressure low and helps to be yourself. being yourself will help the other person know you better which might help get the attraction going. then i consider that if something turns into a romantic relationship it's that it simply just happened. i'll never kiss anyone or hold their hand just because "i feel like" i'm supposed to. even when you know there is mutual attraction, it can be fun to keep the tension going.

[FoolofaTook]

Ya'll ever tried goat cheese?

[ilikeplanets]

Wow that's some sage advice. You've really got a point there.

[qwerty sp]

I love Netphoria

Gen board in general

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by Elphenor

well you don't develop these social skills without practice wouldn't be so hard on yourself

you've been able to ask for dates

you were able to initiate physical contact and ask for a form of intimacy you should take those as victories, and consider that previously you would have thought you'd never manage

build on it slowly moving further outside your comfort zone

this. it's just a matter of practice and slowly breaking down your own barriers. remember that no matter how awkward taking a social risk feels up front, when it pays off it is going to be more than worth it. Eventually you'll have more and more things you consider successes with dating, and the fear and awkwardness will not be able to override what you know is the reward anymore. We are animals, you just gotta reprogram your brain a bit.

another piece of advice that has worked for me is that you should not ever explain yourself. You have the right to be awkward. Own it. Do not apologize for a kiss you don't think was good or tell the woman you need more practice. If you feel the need to let people know you are an awkward person, you have to adopt it. It's your identity, and you like it and they can deal with it. "I'm like the MOST awkward person sometimes, hope you can keep up "

[jimmay]

Originally Posted by Disco King

Also, ever been asked a question that just dissolves you into the void?

i wish

[redbreegull]

and finally, some things that help break the physical touch barrier IME:

I know this contradicts myosis' advice, but I don't think going into a date with a "looking for a friend" approach is a good idea unless that is actually what you are looking for. It seems like you are looking for romantic intimacy, correct me if I am wrong, but I do not sense that you are actually going on all these dates with the purpose of expanding your friend group (though it might be an added benefit). If you go into a date with the mindset that maybe this person can be your friend and then who knows after that, you are setting yourself up to be trapped in that reality. If you don't act interested in that way, your date will not sense any chemistry and may assume you are just looking for... well, a friend. Or that you aren't feeling it with her in particular. Basically, turn it around and consider how you might start wondering what was going on if the situation were reversed. You should be as clear as possible with your intentions.

You asked her on a date, and although intentions can be misconstrued, most people are going to understand the interest is romantic. She probably wouldn't have said yes if you didn't meet her baseline standard for attractiveness and she didn't see at least a possibility of something happening, so you have to go into the situation with that in mind. I used to make this mistake as well. I would treat a first date as a "trial" to see if we were baseline acceptable to each other... but that's dumb, merely GETTING the date means you have passed that test. So when you meet your date, hug her. When you sit down to eat, scoot your chair closer to her, not in a creepy up in her space way, but you want to assume a posture that shows you are sitting closer than someone who is looking for a friend. If you are sitting at a table, I like to pull my chair around so we are sitting on perpendicular sides. Posture becomes more relaxed without leaning across the table staring right at each other. There isn't such a physical barrier between you. If things go well as you eat and talk, bump legs/feet. If things are going really well, maybe touch her on the shoulder if she says something funny, or even put your hand on hers. And the kiss? I think you basically did the right thing. I have found that if an opportunity to kiss does not make itself obvious, a good tactic is to say what a good time you had, she looks great and by gosh, could I kiss you? But again, don't tell her you are asking because you feel too awkward or inept to do it otherwise. Act like you are asking because that is exactly what you want to do.

Basically I really feel your fear of transgressing boundaries, but you are probably overcompensating. I totally get that you wish you could find someone who would be patient with you and you will eventually, for sure. But you also have to make sure you are doing enough to make your intentions clear. You have to make your date feel comfortable with touch and intimacy as well. Don't just assume that you are so awkward and bad at this and everyone else is some kind of pro looking for other pros. I guarantee you that is not the case.

[fuzzyroes]

Man, you should just start off dating someone that you don't feel so intimidated by embarrassing yourself in front of. Perhaps start off dating a girl who feels like you're out of her league. That way she's the one who'd probably be nervous about messing up, and then it's easy sailing for you.

There's nothing wrong with shooting for the moon, but you gotta understand these are the kind of women who have been having sex with the coolest sought after guys their whole sexual life... That brings a lot of pressure to live up to (if you're actually hoping that it'll turn into a long-lasting sexual relationship).

You could also try and get drunk with your date. Girls often initiate things a lot more when they've been drinking... That way it takes the pressure off of you.

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by fuzzyroes

Man, you should just start off dating someone that you don't feel so intimidated by embarrassing yourself in front of. Perhaps start off dating a girl who feels like you're out of her league. That way she's the one who'd probably be nervous about messing up, and then it's easy sailing for you.

There's nothing wrong with shooting for the moon, but you gotta understand these are the kind of women who have been having sex with the coolest sought after guys their whole life...

god shut up you fucking horrible waste of skin

it's like you can't say ANYTHING without being offensive or incredibly asinine

[redbreegull]

oh there it is, he had to edit it to make it even more deplorable. let's run down fuzzy's advice here

1. ask out someone you consider to be ugly because it will boost your confidence
2. get her drunk

[myosis]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

I know this contradicts myosis' advice, but I don't think going into a date with a "looking for a friend" approach is a good idea unless that is actually what you are looking for. It seems like you are looking for romantic intimacy, correct me if I am wrong, but I do not sense that you are actually going on all these dates with the purpose of expanding your friend group (though it might be an added benefit).

sure thing but did you fail to catch on his constant neuroticism and failure? i am suggesting to let go of it.

[buzzard]

Oh, boy. Here we go again.

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by myosis

sure thing but did you fail to catch on his constant neuroticism and failure? i am suggesting to let go of it.

haha well I am not keen to start guessing at his underlying psychological motivation here before he responds for himself, but it seems to me he wants to do this and is frustrated that he can't get over the barrier. I'm not sure backing down is the right tack. If he wants to learn to be more comfortable being assertive and showing women he is physically interested, he should practice that, otherwise he is just going to keep wishing he could get over this same barrier.

again, I could be misinterpreting things here but from what DK said, I thought he was expressing frustration at himself for not being more comfortable with these things, not expressing that he felt like he HAS to do them because they are just what people should do. If that is the case, then no, he shouldn't be forcing himself to kiss someone or touch someone if it's not what he wants.

[myosis]

and no going on a date as a trial is not dumb. the guy isn't sure himself how much he likes the girls that he dates and that is normal. there is therefore no reason to "push" the romantic interest that he is not even feeling yet. you are yourself probably getting a lot of success getting laid with your tactics, but how exactly stables are your relationships again?

[fuzzyroes]

Originally Posted by redbreegull

oh there it is, he had to edit it to make it even more deplorable. let's run down fuzzy's advice here

1. ask out someone you consider to be ugly because it will boost your confidence
2. get her drunk

Look man, if he's nervous and inexperienced sexually or intimately then it would serve him well to try and form a romantic relationship with someone who he's not so intimidated by. That might not be Hollywood advice, but it's true...

Few people end up having sex with 10's for their first time. It's a sexual journey man.

[buzzard]

If Matthew's well-intentioned advice doesn't work out for you, there's always the option of calling up a local hospice to see if any of their residents want one last go before it's over.

[fuzzyroes]

I know it sounds like I'm trolling cause I'm the resident drunk of the forum... But believe it or not there was a time in my life were I didn't struggle with alcoholism and in those years a little sociable drinking could really get the floodgates open sexually.

[myosis]

why do you even have to bring up the subject of banging 10's?

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by fuzzyroes

I know it sounds like I'm trolling cause I'm the resident drunk of the forum... But believe it or not there was a time in my life were I didn't struggle with alcoholism and in those years a little sociable drinking could really get the floodgates open sexually.

SHUT THE FUCK UP

[fuzzyroes]

RBG has this romantic and ideological advice that is all fine and dandy but it's not exactly helpful for someone who suffers with crippling anxiety. I've suffered with anxiety too and I'm giving advice that's worked well for me in my life...

Sure, perhaps it's not story-tale advice, but it's pragmatic advice and something that would actually work.

[redbreegull]

Originally Posted by fuzzyroes

RBG has this romantic and ideological advice that is all fine and dandy but it's not exactly helpful for someone who suffers with crippling anxiety. I've suffered with anxiety too and I'm giving advice that's worked well for me in my life...

Sure, perhaps it's not story-tale advice, but it's pragmatic advice and something that would actually work.

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

[myosis]

though i believe it would appear no one gives a shit about your bro advice