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Old 07-03-2018, 07:30 AM   #2071
LaBelle
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I've been drinking at 11 am every other day because of the world cup, anyone else watching it?!

It's been real fun, i'm not a sports fan but I enjoy watching the world cup every 4 years. Japan's elimination yesterday was a heartbreaker.

 
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Old 07-03-2018, 07:46 AM   #2072
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BELGIUM WHOO

 
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Old 07-03-2018, 07:46 AM   #2073
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NUKE CRAOTIA!!!

 
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Old 07-03-2018, 07:53 AM   #2074
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I hope Belgium beats Brazil next!
We again have a very bureaucratic team, and Neymar pretending every time someone touches him it's a life threatening injury is really annoying.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 03:39 PM   #2075
Disco King
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Well, goth chick I went out with last week says she only gets friend vibes from me.

She's all yours, Elph.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 03:39 PM   #2076
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I don't even entertain the possibility of a different outcome anymore.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 04:44 PM   #2077
Disco King
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Tfw no goth gf to call me up at night and tell me sp00ky stories

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 05:07 PM   #2078
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Old 07-10-2018, 06:13 PM   #2079
Elphenor
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saved

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 06:54 PM   #2080
Disco King
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I think it's getting to the point where it's becoming senseless to keep on trying at the same effort and putting myself out there while expecting a different result. It's just statistics that not everybody is going to get what they want out of life, not a tragedy.

It seems like it'll be hard trying to accept life without a component that is significant go 97% of people's lives. But the same could be said for having functional legs. Being able to walk is an experience that is nearly universally enjoyed, but that doesn't mean that paraplegics can't enjoy a fulfilling life.

If I find myself unable to suppress the part of my brain that places value on attaining this aspect of life and cannot accept a life that lacks it regardless of how well ordered the other facets of my life are, then I guess that will be that. But I think I'll give it a few years trying to suppress it before I make that decision.

Of course, that assumes that I can even get the other aspects of my life in good order, which is not a certainty, either. There is very little I am content with right now.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 06:59 PM   #2081
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I'm thinking I'll give it three more years. Birthday was a couple weeks ago, and each one is kind of a depressing occassion, because it makes another year my life isn't anywhere near where I'd prefer it to be on several different metrics (creative output, health, fulfillment, school, social life, etc).

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:02 PM   #2082
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
I think it's getting to the point where it's becoming senseless to keep on trying at the same effort and putting myself out there while expecting a different result. It's just statistics that not everybody is going to get what they want out of life, not a tragedy.

It seems like it'll be hard trying to accept life without a component that is significant go 97% of people's lives. But the same could be said for having functional legs. Being able to walk is an experience that is nearly universally enjoyed, but that doesn't mean that paraplegics can't enjoy a fulfilling life.

If I find myself unable to suppress the part of my brain that places value on attaining this aspect of life and cannot accept a life that lacks it regardless of how well ordered the other facets of my life are, then I guess that will be that. But I think I'll give it a few years trying to suppress it before I make that decision.

Of course, that assumes that I can even get the other aspects of my life in good order, which is not a certainty, either. There is very little I am content with right now.
I know we have problems with intimacy for different reasons but I feel this so hard. Just general affection and someone wanting to be with you above all other people is so fucking foreign to me, and it's just how most people's lives work out. People pair up; it's what humans do. But I guess not all of us.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:22 PM   #2083
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It's funny how I actually feel better with responses that acknowledge that maybe I won't be successful. Maybe because constant empty assurances of "it'll work out eventually!" come off as a little patronizong and dismissive. Especially with the irony of how we tell people they are guaranteed to have eventually success if they are just "good people," but anybody who internalizes this sentiment and becomes indignant when being a "good person" didn't make anything fall into their lap is then (rightfully) called out for their sense of entitlement.

The other day, I mentioned to my psychiatrist my problems dating (which I have never done before, because it seems impossible to express discontent with this without the stigma of males complaining about not getting dates or whatever, which is why I only vent about that stuff on a pseudonymous message board), and he responded that it might work out eventually, but that there are "no guarantees in life." That second part made my concerns feel more validated than when I just get told that it's "bound to happen" or something, or that it'll just all come together when I stop worrying about it (advice nobody gives for any other concern somebody might have).

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:26 PM   #2084
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the pairing up doesn't guarantee a happy life either

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:27 PM   #2085
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It's not even like I immediately fell smitten with this latest person or anything. It's more the cumulative weight of being so defective that I'm undesired by everyone and anyone.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:29 PM   #2086
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
I think it's getting to the point where it's becoming senseless to keep on trying at the same effort and putting myself out there while expecting a different result. It's just statistics that not everybody is going to get what they want out of life, not a tragedy.
...
It seems like it'll be hard trying to accept life without a component that is significant go 97% of people's lives.
...
There is very little I am content with right now.
i feel this on a spiritual level

Thing is, I don't even try to put myself out there, I guess as a defense mechanism? Girls message me first on tinder, which i'm told is a blessing, but i can't even reply because i am awful at life

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:36 PM   #2087
Disco King
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the pairing up doesn't guarantee a happy life either
I've never argued that it's a sufficient condition. But given the importance most people place on it and how much most people value their partners, with the exception of cases in which somebody consciously chooses a life path that lacks romance due to other incompatible concerns being of higher value to them (for example, nuns), I'd say that for most people, it's a necessary condition.

I mean, most people who have partners wouldn't tell you, "yeah, no, I'd be just as happy if my partner just disappeared from the face of the earth right now; my happiness has always been internal."

And obviously, this doesn't mean that people can't be happy when they are single. There isn't really a comparison between people who are capable of having a relationship, but simply aren't in one at the moment because it is not currently a priority or they are between relationships, but at least are assured that another one is very likely some time in the future; and people who have never and will never have one as part of their lives. It's like comparing a hungry person who can fix up dinner after they get off of work, and somebody who's starving and isn't even sure if they'll ever have another meal. Yes, hungry people can be perfectly content, but people in a position of food insecurity probably cannot.

So, I think my goal should be to make it so I'm more like the nun, making myself content with a life that lacks a certain near-essential component.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:42 PM   #2088
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I struggle with this in therapy... I feel like, if it isn't ever going to happen, hoping I eventually will be able to have intimacy and working towards that with my therapist just makes the whole thing more painful. At what point is it better for me to just cut my loses, accept I lost my teenage years to trauma (when people first figure out this stuff), lost most of my 20s to dealing with that trauma and other mental illness/addiction, and now it is just too late? That instead of putting effort into this fruitless endeavor I can just accept it and try as much as possible to get fulfillment out of the rest of my life? Yes it's sad to give up and what happened is completely fucked up but if it is truly impossible or extremely improbable that I can do relationships, why am i torturing myself trying?

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:44 PM   #2089
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I just want a luvah like any other what do I get


 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:46 PM   #2090
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
I've never argued that it's a sufficient condition. But given the importance most people place on it and how much most people value their partners, with the exception of cases in which somebody consciously chooses a life path that lacks romance due to other incompatible concerns being of higher value to them (for example, nuns), I'd say that for most people, it's a necessary condition.

I mean, most people who have partners wouldn't tell you, "yeah, no, I'd be just as happy if my partner just disappeared from the face of the earth right now; my happiness has always been internal."

And obviously, this doesn't mean that people can't be happy when they are single. There isn't really a comparison between people who are capable of having a relationship, but simply aren't in one at the moment because it is not currently a priority or they are between relationships, but at least are assured that another one is very likely some time in the future; and people who have never and will never have one as part of their lives. It's like comparing a hungry person who can fix up dinner after they get off of work, and somebody who's starving and isn't even sure if they'll ever have another meal. Yes, hungry people can be perfectly content, but people in a position of food insecurity probably cannot.

So, I think my goal should be to make it so I'm more like the nun, making myself content with a life that lacks a certain near-essential component.
sorry you're right

except maybe the nun part I can't speak on that

when I'm inbetween relationships I certainly don't feel like there's a certainty there will be another, this probably makes me clingy

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:48 PM   #2091
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:49 PM   #2092
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(that buzzvcocks song was also in the soundtrack for that movie, but it's pretty punk itself so i doubt many of you have seen it )

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:55 PM   #2093
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Ghost World is one of my favourite comics.

The movie is also really good.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:00 PM   #2094
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I feelin this one now

I even think you hate me when you call me on the phone
sometimes when we go out I wish I stayed at home

=)


 
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:03 PM   #2095
Disco King
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Originally Posted by reprise85 View Post
I struggle with this in therapy... I feel like, if it isn't ever going to happen, hoping I eventually will be able to have intimacy and working towards that with my therapist just makes the whole thing more painful. At what point is it better for me to just cut my loses, accept I lost my teenage years to trauma (when people first figure out this stuff), lost most of my 20s to dealing with that trauma and other mental illness/addiction, and now it is just too late? That instead of putting effort into this fruitless endeavor I can just accept it and try as much as possible to get fulfillment out of the rest of my life? Yes it's sad to give up and what happened is completely fucked up but if it is truly impossible or extremely improbable that I can do relationships, why am i torturing myself trying?
Yeah, cultivating your own desires seems pretty difficult. Like, it's probably possible with enough time and effort (one could probably, for example, train oneself to acquire a taste for a particular food), but it's not the kind of thing you can just do by flipping a switch. People will often tell themselves they no longer want something they cannot attain, but more are probably just lying to themselves rather than actually achieving that.

And then there's the question of, do we even want to no longer want something? Maybe part of ourselves places more value on being true to our wants, even if we have to deal with the torture of never attaining them, more than we want to cut that part out of ourselves. Trying to imagine myself not wanting what I want feels more like I'm imagining someone else.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:08 PM   #2096
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Like, maybe I decide it's highly unlikely that the demand that exists in capitalist markets will allow for me to make a comfortable living doing something I actually am passionate about and that fulfills me with most of my time for the rest of my life. But, if I could take a pill that would make me content to have a boring office job for the rest of my life, would I take it? Maybe I would. Maybe I'd rather suffer. Even if I end up working the same boring office job anyway.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:31 PM   #2097
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reprise85 View Post
I struggle with this in therapy... I feel like, if it isn't ever going to happen, hoping I eventually will be able to have intimacy and working towards that with my therapist just makes the whole thing more painful. At what point is it better for me to just cut my loses, accept I lost my teenage years to trauma (when people first figure out this stuff), lost most of my 20s to dealing with that trauma and other mental illness/addiction, and now it is just too late? That instead of putting effort into this fruitless endeavor I can just accept it and try as much as possible to get fulfillment out of the rest of my life? Yes it's sad to give up and what happened is completely fucked up but if it is truly impossible or extremely improbable that I can do relationships, why am i torturing myself trying?
You're still relatively young Reprise, it's never too late.

I think firstly you have to love yourself before you can give yourself to someone else. That's not an easy thing to do. I've been working on myself and trying to get my shit together and it's kind of spooking me that my friends are having kids and shit now while I'm single. It's a natural anxiety to have.

As Jordan Peterson says, just focus on improving yourself every day, but SET THE BAR LOW. Set the bar very very low. You gotta make the progress attainable. That's what's really clicking with me. And if you keep on taking baby steps, before you know it, you'll be striding.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:38 PM   #2098
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Disco, I still think if you're super desperate for a romance that you really should just try and temper your expectations a bit. Go after a nerdy chick who's more willing to move at your pace, rather than these trendy babes who are out getting laid all of the time.

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:41 PM   #2099
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money in the bank fellas

 
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:52 PM   #2100
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Things I'd rather do before taking advice from Fuzzy:

1. Add every real number one at a time

 
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