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Old 06-18-2018, 08:17 PM   #1981
Disco King
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Is it from the drugs, do you reckon?
Tenants putting drugs in the laundry machine in lieu of detergent does tend to degrade performance over time, so possibly.

 
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Old 06-18-2018, 08:21 PM   #1982
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But seriously, I do hope you have a good prognosis. The world deserves much more than another ten years of Reprise.

 
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Old 06-18-2018, 08:51 PM   #1983
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reprise I really hope it's not that. Is it from the drugs, do you reckon?

I've come off all of mine and I feel like shit, every day

But when I stopped taking the duloxetine I felt a bunch of knee and ankle pain from all the excess weight I'm carrying, which was really scary. The duloxetine had been doing a great job of blocking it, I think.

This is such a standard cycle for me now I quit meds, lose a bunch of weight, fall into a deep depression, go back on the meds, feel better, gain a shit ton of weight.

stupid malfunctioning traumatised brain that refuses to heal.
I'm sure all the metabolism it has to deal with from the meds doesn't help, but it's mostly due to weight and being unlucky most likely. I've already been considering bariatric surgery and this makes me want it even more. And liver fibrosis can be reversed but not cirrhosis so if it is that bad it might be too late.

I dunno if my doctor will recommend getting off the liver-taxing drugs. It would definitely be risky to get off what has been keeping me stable. But obviously if it's life and death I would do it.

That is scary about the knee and ankle pain, I don't want to feel that either. I've been having some knee pain lately and it sucks and I know it's just going to get worse. I don't have ankle issues (yet) but my right foot hurts a lot in the area of my old foot injury, tendonitis or something IDK.

I'm sorry you feel like shit Stupid malfunctioning traumatized brain here too, so I understand. I haven't tried to get off of them though pretty much ever. That shit scares me a lot, I never want to go back. Even when I have micro-episodes (a few days) of suicidal ideation now it sucks so much, I can't believe I dealt with that all the time for so long. I still have mild SI a lot but that's different... Honestly if I was dealing with it all day every day I don't know how long I'd let myself deal with it before just doing the big jump. It's not worth it, for me. But you have a family and good things in your life that I don't have that must make it worth it and I'm sure would make it worth it for me too

I read that report and hugged my cat for a while and thought about how ironic it is that I wanted for so long to die and now if I'm on a fatal course I don't want it. I want to die on my terms I guess :/ I also called my mom and I wanted so bad to tell her but I don't want to worry her if I'm somehow unnecessarily making a big deal out of this. So I just talked about the job interview and stuff

I mean I am excited for the job interview. it's a unit secretary at the behavioral unit at a huge hospital near me. so basically keeping everything supplied and organizing all of the paperwork from the nurses, docs, techs, etc. and prob other stuff i'm sure. i never expected to get called for it because they "require" hospital experience but I do at least know the psych lingo and shit which should help a lot

 
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Old 06-18-2018, 08:56 PM   #1984
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
But seriously, I do hope you have a good prognosis. The world deserves much more than another ten years of Reprise.
thanks. i hope it is good, too. i'm sure i'll hear from the doc tomorrow. i'm assuming if nothing else he'll even more strongly recommend surgery and i probably need frequent cancer screenings as well

 
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Old 06-19-2018, 11:39 AM   #1985
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i'm hoping for the best possible outcome. life is really just needlessly hard sometimes, stupid fucking meat bodies. -hugs-

 
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Old 06-19-2018, 03:27 PM   #1986
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Old 06-19-2018, 03:36 PM   #1987
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Hoping you get a good prognosis tomorrow reprise.

 
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Old 06-19-2018, 03:47 PM   #1988
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thanks guys. still no doctor call. pretty surprising. maybe they are already doing some follow up testing but i don't see how, there's no specimen or anything

 
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Old 06-19-2018, 05:08 PM   #1989
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Really wish I could come up with something you haven't heard already to offer my support or make you feel better. Regardless, I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best possible outcome.

 
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Old 06-19-2018, 06:59 PM   #1990
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thanks.

i talked to my sister today and told her. i feel guilty about it but i guess telling someone in the family was good. but i don't want to worry her... worry does no good for anyone. i told her i'm not telling my mom until the doc tells me what the deal is. this is informed speculation but still speculation to a degree. but either way, my liver is not in good condition and something has to be done. hopefully it's just the kind of damage that can still be reversed

 
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Old 06-19-2018, 09:45 PM   #1991
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Jeez, my sincere good wishes reprise. Hope things turn out the best way possible.

Last edited by LaBelle : 06-19-2018 at 09:57 PM.

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 11:06 AM   #1992
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i'm sorry reprise

good luck.

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 11:31 AM   #1993
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thank

still no call from the doctor. my therapist said i should call him but i'm not going to probably. also my mom asked me about it so i told her.

my job interview could have gone better but i think they liked me anyway

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 11:35 AM   #1994
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they are fools if they don't hire you. fools, i say!!

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 12:15 PM   #1995
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thanks

it's for a position i'm really not qualified for because i've never worked in a hospital (this is a general hospital with a psych ward which is def more professional than any psych hospital i've seen) and don't have any administrative assistance experience (this is a unit secretary position). it's definitely a higher position then a general behavioral tech and i barely qualify for that. also probably higher pay then i'd probably get as a BHT anywhere.

im assuming most unit secretaries know a lot about secretary-ing and have at least a certificate in it and end up having to really learn the psych lingo and how to document, whereas i'd be the opposite

about to start the first day of a DBT therapy group. uggghhhh wish me luck

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 02:04 PM   #1996
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well, you never know. you are really smart and got excellent grades so they might take a chance. it is worth a shot regardless of the outcome.

have fun in therapy. i will probably be forced to see a spiritual counselor or some stupid shit when my relatives snitch to my parents how drunk and high i got when i was in europe.

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 03:24 PM   #1997
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Good luck reprise. You deserve the job, and even if you don't feel qualified, that doesn't mean you aren't REALLY qualified, you know? Because you are very intelligent and hard-working, and can surely learn to perform this job very well.

also not to harp at you, but obviously I also think you should call the doctor and I think it's weird they haven't contacted you yet

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 03:57 PM   #1998
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Originally Posted by reprise85 View Post
thank

still no call from the doctor. my therapist said i should call him but i'm not going to probably.
why not, if I may ask? I suppose it's not some fun thing you're looking forward to, but don't you need to know?

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:16 PM   #1999
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yeah i need to know. i guess i'll call tomorrow. i just don't want to hear it i guess, as dumb as that is.

 
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:16 PM   #2000
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Originally Posted by redbreegull View Post
Good luck reprise. You deserve the job, and even if you don't feel qualified, that doesn't mean you aren't REALLY qualified, you know? Because you are very intelligent and hard-working, and can surely learn to perform this job very well.

also not to harp at you, but obviously I also think you should call the doctor and I think it's weird they haven't contacted you yet
oh yeah, i'm not qualified but i know i could learn and do a great job for sure

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 11:08 AM   #2001
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it's obviously been said, but waiting on a doctor to call you is never a great idea because a lot of times they don't do their fucking job and you def. have to be the advocate for your own health.

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 11:08 AM   #2002
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i understand the reluctance, oh believe me. but it's usually better to just fucking rip that bandage off. good, good luck!!

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 03:19 PM   #2003
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so last weekend, after just a few days recovering from my trip through myriad dimensions, I went with the band guys and some other people down to the Outer Banks and drank and smoked myself silly. I got some quality beach time in, complete with another sunburn, and I'm still finding sand in my pockets. One of the bass player's friends is a really cool ukulele player, and we may or may not have spent some time kissing each other's faces under the stars on the beach at night

I was the youngest person there, and I actually found it encouraging to go into a social group of people all in their 30s and see they are still just normal people, having fun and doing normal people things, albeit in a less dramatic and more balanced way. I think I experience a fear a lot that my love of play and hedonistic adventure-seeking are things I have to cull in order to be a "successful adult" or whatever. But recently I think I have actually been feeling pretty hopeful that my 30s will be better than my 20s, and sort of realizing that the stage of life I am in is about letting go of things which are not good for me, and holding onto and balancing things which are good for me, and it's ultimately up to me to decide what those are, not society.

Anyway this gathering would have blown Buzzard's head wide open via the amount of acoustic instruments being played in blatant breach of accepted social decorum. Instead of being the dude with an acoustic guitar at a party, I was a dude with an acoustic guitar at a party with 3 acoustic guitars, 2 ukes, a hand drum, and 6 people singing. I felt kind of like I had found my people

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 04:22 PM   #2004
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in your 30s you'll realize people in their 40s are just normal people, too

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 04:36 PM   #2005
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I guess it depends, for instance you will never be normal

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 04:42 PM   #2006
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kids

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 04:59 PM   #2007
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Old 06-22-2018, 05:00 PM   #2008
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kids

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 05:43 PM   #2009
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what if you're still finding sand in your pockets and you haven't been to the beach?

 
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Old 06-22-2018, 05:43 PM   #2010
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asking for a friend

 
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