I want to share something personal with all of you.

[sickbadthing]

I tried to resist the temptation to write about toilets. I mean, I wrote about diapers a while back, and in general I believe there's enough potty talk in this world.

But my good intentions went down the drain: Bathrooms just keep popping up (kind of like floaters, I guess).

First of all, we had new toilets installed at work. They're short. Well, not just short. They're try-to-sit-down-and-feel-like-you're-falling-in short.

They also flush automatically, which causes a bunch of problems.

First of all, they make this weird, loud, choking-cat sound right before they flush. For the first few days after the new potties were installed, it was kind of fun to listen to co-workers' startled exclamations as they stood up and heard that bizarre noise behind them.

I was spared the worst of the shock because someone whose name I don't even know actually told me about it as I walked into the downstairs ladies' room.

Yes, that's right: It's not just me. This sound is so loud and so bizarre, women were warning each other.

The other thing is these toilets flush a lot. I might be the only one who does it -- it doesn't seem right to ask -- but my momma taught me to be a squatter, not a sitter, in public bathrooms. I'm not entirely sure why, because if no one squatted no one would sprinkle the seat and no one would have to squat. (Yes, I do wipe the seat after I'm done, but we all know not everyone does.)

Anyhow, if I shift my weight wrong, the toilet flushes. As soon as I lean forward to get some toilet paper, the toilet flushes. Then I stand up, and the toilet flushes.

One time, though, it didn't flush as I stood up and I spent several minutes trying to get it to do so because there was still a bunch of toilet paper in it. Apologies to my co-workers, but I never did figure out how to make it flush -- this despite helpful directions that were e-mailed to all women in the building.

Yep. They tried to tell us how to flush and I still couldn't figure it out. Perhaps I'm just potty impaired.

Even picking the right potty can be rough.

If you walk down one hall leading into the News Journal newsroom, you see two signs over facing doors: "Gentlemen" and "Publisher." Are we supposed to conclude the two are mutually exclusive? I've known of some publishers who had no business going in any door marked "Gentlemen," but Mr. Brennan isn't one of them.

None of the gentlemen at the workplace seem to understand why women want a couch in the ladies' room. When I was younger, I didn't understand, either.

Then I got pregnant. That couch became a very good friend. So I was pretty ticked when they took it away. And they won't give it back, either. Please, can't we give the men of this world really bad cramps for just one day? We'd have nice big couches in every bathroom in the nation.

So after long work days of potty perils, I go home to a little girl who still considers using any toilet a great adventure -- so much so that she seems bound and determined to use every bathroom in sight ... usually while making Mommy wait for her turn.

She sits there and sings. If possible, she looks at a magazine. (Wonder where she learned that?) She kicks the walls. She turns sideways on the seat. Sometimes -- not always, mind you -- she pees.

We read books about "flushing fun."

"Bear in the Big Blue House" sings to us about using the potty with such tunes as "The Toileteers."

Now I see that Bucyrus officials are talking about needing public restrooms for downtown tourists.

Well, I have two requests: First of all, make them plenty tall. And please, Please don't tell my daughter they're there.

[Annie Dog]

lol! oh i love it. may i please post your post in my journal?

[dusty]

Originally posted by sickbadthing
potty.

i read that whole thing.

[sickbadthing]

I'm pretty sure sppunk wrote that.

[Enzed]

Did you write that big-ass long phone number in it?

[Travis Meekz]

I love you

[wangcomputers]

what about aids?