Just in case you ever wanted to know something about my personal life.

[Sapphire]

I would rather be naive than be greedy and a sinful fuck.

Let your ignorance be your guide SickBadThing, and remember, the fact that you feel that you failed means that you didn't fail at all. Sounds to me that you're lamenting the loss of your investment more than the fact that you can't do anything right (which simply isn't true).

You know you did everything right, 'cause you did it from the heart, and with a pure soul. The fact that somebody couldn't care less about that freaks you out. Don't worry about it, that bitch simply couldn't tell what a great deal she had.

The hate will soon turn into pity, and soon you'll find yourself not thinking about her at all. It will be her that is thinking back of you in regret when you're living happily ever after with someone who cares for you as well.

And to everyone here that didn't read what SickBadThing wrote, that's understandable. It was a long post, and maybe to you it was boring. God, I know it lagged in parts for me. However, if you didn't read it, or just have some lame insult, then don't post a reply. If you did read the whole thing, and have a good insult, then go for it. But seriously, compared to the sense of humour that most of Netphoria has, you guys fucking blow.

[sickbadthing]

Why?
Why should I be so upset about this. Why spend so much time?

I haven't really thought about it. It just felt right.

I spent so much time thinking about her. Every hour of every day, sometimes every minute. Every decision I made, I considered her. Many times, I considered her first. Many times...

I still think about her. There was nothing to me but Rowena and work. I tried so hard to do things for her, to make her happy. It worked really well, until I went off to work for a startup company.

History:

I went to work for a startup company the second year we were living together. It took up a large amount of my time. There is reason to beleive she started cheating then. Before, I had worked for Nortel with 4 hour days that counted as 8. I had alot of free time to call her, and think of things to do for her. We were both very happy.

One night, Javier (Thornal) called her cell phone. She had just gone to the store. So I answered, and he talked to me for a minute. He hung up on me when I asked who was calling. She said it was nothing. It was Jav's roomate, and he was just nervous. I was suspicious, but I beleived her. I trusted her, she was my girl. She was my favorite girl in the world, and I loved her. This was well over eighteen months ago.

In November, I noticed that she had quit going to work. I would ask her about it, and she said she was sick. She eventually started lying to me about it saying that she was going to work, and I didn't know any better.

I was working long hours, and would go in as she woke up. Still, ever since we started living together, I would kiss her every morning, and tell her I loved her as I was getting ready to leave. She would get up, and go to the bathroom. She used to go to work after that...

When I came home, she would be home.

She never got my messages that I left at work for her. She can't say I didn't try to do anything for her. I would call her at work because I had thought of something for us to do together. She wouldn't get my messages, and when I got home she would be playing EQ. If I tried to mention going out, she would just get angry. She didn't get my message because her voicemail at work was screwed up, and it was my fault for not telling her in advance. I wanted to spend time with her, I wanted to make her happy. That was my goal in life, to make Rowena happy. For five years. That was my goal. For 18 months before we started dating, that was my goal. We worked together. So, I would not date her. When I quit that job, my goal became full time.

Not only did I lose her,

I failed.

Everything I did, and I failed.

I was inadequate for the requirements of my goal.

I thought it was right this time. I thought I had learned. I thought I was putting enough effort into it. I put so much effort into it. I tried so hard. I opened myself to her. I had no secrets from her. She knew every last awfull detail about me, and still does. I told her every flaw I thought I had. She still said she loved me, and I beleived her. I let her come into me, and I thought about her every hour of every day. I was thinking about our future together. I was thinking about forever. I've never done that. Could I do that again? It doesn't feel like it now. How could I ever be adequate? My goal seems impossible.

I still think about her whenever I decide what to do. Its habitual, I guess. I used to come to a decision, a crossroad in life, and think how it would affect her. The bigger the decision, the more weight she had. I was thinking about forever. I wanted to make her life as wonderfull as possible. I wanted to make her future stable and secure. I didn't want her to have to worry about tomorrow. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt her. I would never have hurt her on purpose.

I was loyal. I never even thought about cheating on her. She made me beleive that she was the same. It wasn't true. She cheated on me with several guys. I never knew. I only suspected that one time, and I beleived her explanation. Almost 2 years, and I never suspected, but once. To find out it had been going on so long. I should have realized. I should have seen, but she lied. I trusted her. I let her in, and she lied. She cheated on me, and got angry at me when I found out.

Her previous boyfriend had warned me about the guys online. I just thought he was a jealous ex-boyfriend trying to get rid of me. Dude, if you read this, I'm sorry I didn't listen.

Thats probably what the guy she moved in with thinks about me now. Oh well, his loss, but honestly I wouldn't listen either without the benefit of hindsight. He'll have hindsight soon enough.

I found out by reading her Cell phone bill. We had talked about what kind of plan we both had with Sprint PCS. They had come out with a new $35 plan, and I knew we were both paying for over $50 each on our plans. I went to check her bill so I could tell her how much we could save if we switched, and I saw all the calls to the same place. All between 2-8am, most nights of the week. I was not looking for or remotely expecting anything like that. It made me physicly ill. I didn't know how to confront her about it. I was confused. When I finally confronted her, she got angry at me for spying on her. Spying on her!!!

I didn't think that looking at her bill was that big of a deal. We had the joint checking account, and I shared my bill with her. I had no idea that someone would want to hide their phone bill. It had never occured to me. I guess I'm a stupid country boy. I don't have any business messing with these big city women. I'm not stupid, I'm just naive. I hate being naive. I'd almost rather be stupid, then I wouldn't realize how naive I was.

I was trying to help her, and I felt stabbed in the back.

That week I started noticing that the times she was upstairs all night until 8-10 in the morning, and didn't come to bed. If I went upstairs I would find her naked on my old bed, with her phone in her hand. I eventually got the nerve to look at the phone number. That night, there were three consecutive calls covering almost three hours to another officer in the guild. Her other hand was in her naked crotch, and she was passed out on the bed. I never went upstairs in the morning again. I still cry when I think about it.

I was confused. I didn't know what to do. The person I cared about and trusted more than anyone else in the world couldn't be betraying me. I had been so true. I had been so loyal.

The next week I had found out that a new expantion pack for EverQuest was coming out. I read about it on my "news for nerds" website. I knew it meant she would be spending even more time online, if that was possible. There was also mention of everquest anonymous, and everquest widows message boards. I was curious, and read them. I learned that you could get married in game. I was scared.

I had looked at her web site before, but I couldn't understand the language on it. Everything was encoded in EQ speak, but this time I saw "My Husband, and best friend Thornal.". Again, I was physicly ill. This time for several days. I tried to talk to her about it, but she was always playing. She would get angry at me if I interrupted her. Looking back, I shouldn't have put up with it, but I blamed myself at the time. She would come to bed as I woke up in the morning, and still be at home when I got back. She told me she was going to work.

One of her coworkers, and a mutual friend called me one morning that week, and asked how she was really doing. I didn't understand. He said she hadn't been to work for a week and a half, and before those few days, not since thanksgiving. I was shocked. Why was I shocked? I suppose because the situation just kept getting worse. Not that it was getting worse at the time, I was just learning how bad it was.

Still, she told me she loved me. She told me I was her favorite guy in the world. That was a copy of what I made up for her. I always told her, "You're my favorite gal in the world." I loved her so much. I guess she didn't realize what that meant. Not that I didn't tell her that I loved her, though. I told her every morning, and every phone call. I told her when we both got home, and when we went to bed. She stopped doing most of those things. She stopped spending time with me.

I know that it wasn't just me. She lied to her parents, her employer, and her friends. She just wanted to spend her time playing EQ. In retrospect, time with her other boyfriends.

I spent a week being sick, and not being able to concentrate at work. On Friday, I came home early because I couldn't get anything done. She was there wearing nothing but a bathrobe at the computer, and she didn't want me to see the screen. She stopped and came downstairs. I confronted her.

I asked her about spending time with me, and never being able to go out. I asked her about never cleaning the house. I asked her about never being in bed together. I asked her about getting married in EQ.

That morning, before I went to work, my curiosity got the better of me. I looked at her old email, and found what I didn't want to see. Pornos from James, from last August. Two days after my birthday. I had noticed that she didn't put any thought into my birthday present last year. It had become clear. I thought she was married to James in the game.

She admitted to being married to Thornal, who was actually Javier. I thought I might have been confused on the pornos, but I asked her about them. She got mad at me for spying on her again. It didn't hurt so much that time, because I did go looking for evidence. I was unsure, and felt bad about looking. So, I beleived her that there was nothing between her and James.

I confronted her about the phone sex. She started crying, and saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She said she wasn't good enough for me, but I thought that was for me to decide. I wanted to know if I was good enough for her. I would decide whether she was good enough for me.

She didn't think there was anything wrong with being married in game. I did. She apologized, and said it was over between them anyway. She was getting her last name changed back as soon as the EQ divorce went through. We broke up that Sunday in December, two weeks before Christmas. At that point, I felt so much better. I felt the weight gone. I was OK. No more lies. No more worry about Thornal, James, and Eadan. But on Monday I fell. I wanted her so badly. I was so in love, I wanted to help make her happy. We said we would give it a try, and I forgave her.

I should have given up when she refused to forgive me for spying on her. I didn't. I felt bad about it instead, and tried to make up for it. I thought she would be trying to make up too. She didn't. She just went back to playing EQ, and lying about work. Eventually, I caught her so often, she quit lying about work before christmas. She would start back again after.

She spent between 10-20 hours every day. She would always miss work on Friday, and be on the computer when I got home. I couldn't say more than hi to her without her getting angry. She would stay up until 8-10am on Saturday, and sleep till 3pm. She would get up, and log on. Sometimes, she wouldn't even say anything to me. She would stay up until 8-10am again on Sunday morning, and sleep till 6pm. It was at this time during the week, that she would spend the "required" 4 hours with me, unless she had something better to do in game.

After Christmas, she started talking about how stupid the EQ "Fan Faire" convention was. This didn't sound right. She was talking about how only the hard core EQ players go, and she wasn't interested. ??? She played over 100 hours a week! She kept bashing it, and bashing it. At the same time, she was setting me up. Her sister was moving at the end of the month. This was true. She was going to help her sister move. This was not true. I was getting laid or blown every other night, and I was on my way to forgetting the whole thing. I guess I was blinded, and all that time I thought it was masturbation that did that to you.

She had officially quit her job three weeks before Fan Faire. I thought it was a bad idea with the current job market after 9/11, but she insisted that she had enough money to live for 6 months. Her direct deposits had stopped long before, because she worked hourly, and hadn't showed up for work in months anyway. She said she would make the deposits, but they never came.

I took her to the airport at 5am that friday the last week in January. I went in to see her off because I was worried about her. She had given me an itenerary that was not an itenerary. There was no gate info, and no details. Just a time, a price, and a button to buy. I didn't want to risk leaving her stranded at the airport. So, I went in with her. She didn't want me to bother, but I did anyway. They didn't have her ticket. So, after much lying to the people behind the counter and me, she bought a ticket for $500 on the spot. She went throught the gate, and I left.

She was supposed to call when she landed. She didn't. After about 4 hours, I got scared. I was trying to think about what could be going on. Anything but her cheating on me. I wanted to beleive her, I needed to be able to trust her again. I called her sister, who was at work. She acted confused, but covered for Rowena. She said she would call back.

A few hours later, I got a broken up message from Rowena. I couldn't understand a word. I knew that our phones did that in the Las Vegas airport, and I was worried that she missed her layover flight, or the ticket was messed up again. I tried to call her again, but she never answered. So, I called her sister again, but no answer. I called her mom, she was confused.

I knew then. She had never left town.

I didn't want to know.

I called her sister one more time the next morning to let them know she was alright. I apologized in case I made them worry.

So, I looked to see where the Fan Faire was. It was downtown at the Adam's Mark Hotel. I didn't sleep much that Friday night, and at 10am the next morning I drove up there. Her car was on the first floor of the parking garage.

I took the garage door opener from her car. She wasn't using the garage that weekend, and I got a new car last summer. Besides, I was tired of not knowing if she was home by her car being hidden in the garage. I'm the one who would be hiding now.

I left a note.

Rowena,

I can't beleive the lengths you went to in order to lie to me.

Crushed,

Scott.

By Sunday morning, I was all torn up. I had tried and tried to call her. To tell her not to come home, but she wouldn't answer her phone. I thought of a way to get a message to her, that she was no longer welcome. I left a message on her guild web site. I knew someone would see it, and she would get the message to Fan Faire that she was kicked out.

We had lived together for three years, and she was staying in a hotel room with a guy she called Kum. He was the second number on her phone, right after mine. He had the second voice dial too, "call Kum". I looked at the phone bill again. I figured it would cement it. It did. A bunch of calls in the middle of the night to Atlanta. I wondered if I should tell his woman. I didn't, because I was realizing how shitty it felt to know.

Then I found the Fantasy that James sent her in December. A word document he typed up discribing a sexual encounter between the two. He HAD sent the pornos in August! I double checked. No wonder Thornal was leaving her anyway. No wonder she didn't feel bad about getting caught. She was lying to me, even when she came clean about cheating on me. It was worse.

I realised that, the trip she took to San Diego when her Aunt died about a year before, she was lying. She had stayed with Javier. I was made a fool of all over again.

When she went to New York..., When she went to San Francisco..., when she went to Atlanta..., only a few people knew where she really was each time. I thought I did.

She was a cyberslut. She didn't save anything for me. She gave all my precious moments away to other guys.

When she came home that Sunday night, all she said was "sorry". For what? For not telling the truth about where she was. Nothing about James, Javier, or Kum. Hell, I'm still suspicious about Eadan, but at this point he doesn't even matter. She had gone too far.

ny this point, I had enough. I was packing, and I asked her to leave. Of course, I had already put that she wasn't going to be living with me anymore in the post to her message board. I let the other guys know that our five year relationship was coming to an end, and our three years of living together was over. They could do whatever they wanted to her.

Do I blame the guys online? sortof... They could have chosen a moral route.

Mostly, I blame Rowena. She should have taken a moral route.

Do I blame EQ? Partly. The game is addictive, but its only a game.

She should have been straight up. She should have let me know before becoming a slut.

Being a slut is fine. Being a slut while saying your in a commited relationship is not.

I still wonder if she used sexual favors to get her position as an officer. I think she did.

I was very angry. I had never been angry since I had known Rowena. She made my life complete. Now she made my life a complete hell. She betrayed me harder than I ever expected. I never would have thought that she would do such a thing. I trusted her.

Back to the Question:

Why?

Why do I think about her so much? Why does it get to me?

ANSWER:

I still think about her. Before I do anything, I still consider how it will effect her. Before, I would think how much I loved her, and which decision would be best for the both of us. Now, I think about how much I love her, and then realize what an idiot I am. I know she doesn't care what happens to me. She hadn't for a long time. Why am I wasting my time considering her. I feel like a fool every time I make a decision. I feel like a fool because I consider her best interests, sometimes before my own. It hurts, every time.

Mostly, I've been doing better. I haven't thought about her as much. Still, almost every hour of the day, something makes me think of her. It reminds me of my goal, to make her happy. It reminds me that she didn't care about my happiness. It reminds me that I failed.

Every hour of every day, I relive how I failed at what was going to be the best acheivement in my entire life. Something that was supposed to last forever.

It makes me angry. I'm angry that I still love her. I'm angry that she feels no remorse. I'm angry that she screwed up my home, and my financial situation. I hate her.

Because I love her, I hate myself for hating her, but I can't forgive her again. I forgave her before, and she was lying about what I forgave her for. She had tried to pull that again after Fan Faire too.

I should be glad she's gone.

I still feel like a failure. I don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone. I did my best. It wasn't enough. I don't know that I could do any more. I don't think I can do more.

People say, its not your fault. It doesn't help.

I stole from the now to build for our future. I wanted our future to be wonderfull. She stole from our future to live now. All the emotional investments I made, she spent on EQ fuckbuddies.

I've been ripped off.

Almost every hour of every day, I feel ripped off because I can't stop thinking about her. I hate thinking about her well being. I hate the fact that I still want to help the slut who screwed me over.

Lament Nazriah. Lament the love you threw away. Lament the love that was true. Lament Rowena Saldana. Lament that Scourge of Shadow is all you have. Lament your empty life. Lament Jazzy. Lament the pain you caused. Lament.

[Isle]

BORINGGG

[sickbadthing]

Originally posted by Isle
BORINGGG

That's my inner turmoil you're making fun of. I hope you date a cyber slut and have your heart ripped out you SON OF A BITCH.

[Isle]

don't have a cow, man.

oh wait, you did

[meow]

did i really just read all of that ?!

[Isle]

Originally posted by meow
did i really just read all of that ?!

someone give this woman a medal, STAT

[meow]

Originally posted by Isle


someone give this woman a medal, STAT

fuck you, it was heart wrenching

[Isle]

i'm sure it is, but i've had my heart and my cock wrenched more than is necessary in one lifetime.

[GreenEggsNSpam]

Originally posted by sickbadthing
Stuff

Why did you type al this?

Originally posted by meow
did i really just read all of that ?!

I hope you didnt.

[killed radio star]

Originally posted by sickbadthing


That's my inner turmoil you're making fun of. I hope you date a cyber slut and have your heart ripped out you SON OF A BITCH.

priceless - what EQ guild's board did you pull that from?

[sickbadthing]

Originally posted by killed radio star


priceless - what EQ guild's board did you pull that from?

It was some guy's website. I let google do all the searching for me...