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Old 10-05-2019, 12:15 AM   #4831
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Old 10-05-2019, 07:16 PM   #4832
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lmao I thought I had basically no weed and then I found that I had a tonne in my fucking grinder.

 
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Old 10-05-2019, 07:35 PM   #4833
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A literal metric tonne. Not quite as much as an imperial ton.

 
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Old 10-05-2019, 07:35 PM   #4834
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Language is literally fluid.

 
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Old 10-05-2019, 09:06 PM   #4835
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Mail some here, it's legal

 
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Old 10-05-2019, 09:26 PM   #4836
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well the realization will come eventually that chemistry leads to intimacy, not the other way around.
Eh, I don't think you understand how things work with people with crippling anxiety. Just because I'm into somebody isn't by itself going to facillitate any intimacy, because my anxiety will make me too nervous to engage in any of that. It's easy to say "let it happen naturally" when you're actually a natural.

It's iterative and cyclical; chemistry and intimacy fuel each other. There's also the fact that our society remains stubbornly gendered, despite attempts to address and challenge gender roles. Women still expect men to make the first move, and the onus is usually on the guy to move things toward physical intimacy on a date. If he doesn't, the woman will wonder why nothing has happened yet, because the assumption is that these things should "just happen" when two people like each other. She will then reason from this that "the reason nothing is happening must be because we're not actually into each other, after all," and attraction will fade. Believe me, I've tried the normie advice of "it'll just happen naturally" a million times. Much of the time when things fizzle out, it's because it wouldn't have worked, anyway, but I've definitely experienced going out with people with whom I had mutual compatibility and chemistry, and then failing to properly fan those embers by being way too platonic. These are people with whom I'm fairly certain it would have worked if I had only done X,Y,Z instead of A,B,C.

I think part of why people want to think that attraction is totally independent of how people behave and what steps they take, and is instead this magical spooky force that either just is or isn't, is because they maybe think it would make attraction less meaningful and more cynical if it actually is partly based on a skill that one can sharpen. And I'm not claiming that you can have total control over it or master some "one weird trick" to make any person fall in love with you, because most of it really is beyond our control. But not all of it is, because you can raise or lower your chances of facilitating your attraction by knowing how to do it, and that doesn't make it any less meaningful or valuable. "It just happens naturally" is something people only believe because they have enough natural aptitude at it that they've never had to think about it very much. It's like a regular person telling a dyslexic person "don't overthink reading, it'll just come naturally if you be yourself and relax."

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I'm so depressed like all the time

goddamn it's exhausting
Bro, that sucks.

About anything in particular, or just those stupid brain chemicals not doing what they are supposed to?

Still keeping up with school and all that? Hanging out with friends? I find that when I'm especially depressed, I gotta treat that shit like a job and do it whether I like it or not, because if I go "I'll do school shit/hobbies/chores when I'm feeling up to it," that's how all of it falls to the wayside and my life becomes a mess and I become even more depressed.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 02:35 AM   #4837
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I am still getting straight A's

my job is OK, I'm a manager at this thing

I'm more social than I've ever been, I'm busier than I've ever been

I've just been trampled by this bad on and off relationship I suppose

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 02:43 AM   #4838
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School is not bringing me any joy

it's just this chore I have to do, I don't particularly like anyone I go to class with either

so now I just tell myself it'll be better when I get to a 4 year university...

I have no reason to be in school anyway I don't want to do anything with my life, except apparently be buried in debt

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 03:15 AM   #4839
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I think part of why people want to think that attraction is totally independent of how people behave and what steps they take, and is instead this magical spooky force that either just is or isn't, is because they maybe think it would make attraction less meaningful and more cynical if it actually is partly based on a skill that one can sharpen. And I'm not claiming that you can have total control over it or master some "one weird trick" to make any person fall in love with you, because most of it really is beyond our control. But not all of it is, because you can raise or lower your chances of facilitating your attraction by knowing how to do it, and that doesn't make it any less meaningful or valuable. "It just happens naturally" is something people only believe because they have enough natural aptitude at it that they've never had to think about it very much. It's like a regular person telling a dyslexic person "don't overthink reading, it'll just come naturally if you be yourself and relax."
if there's a skill, I'm convinced it's just confidence/self-esteem, and if you don't have it you're not gonna get it from anywhere

but I dunno once you've been on a date or 2 where you felt it was ok to come out and say "I'm anxious about this" because the chemistry is natural, you might see things differently

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:35 AM   #4840
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School is not bringing me any joy

it's just this chore I have to do, I don't particularly like anyone I go to class with either

so now I just tell myself it'll be better when I get to a 4 year university...

I have no reason to be in school anyway I don't want to do anything with my life, except apparently be buried in debt
won't change. i actually miss community college because the students had lives and took classes more seriously and there were lots of blacks and latinos.

the 4-year university i go to is full of privileged whites, but maybe you'd be more in your element.

i'm only in college because it is a means to an end. the jobs i want require degrees so i need one. it's why i take school seriously.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:42 AM   #4841
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you're a manager at a thing? omg, young white boys always get managerial jobs at things. that will look good on your resume when you want to be a manager of another thing.

i always see white men managing black crews of construction workers. shit's gross.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:43 AM   #4842
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i almost feel like i'm being mansplained

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:45 AM   #4843
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where does a mansplainer get their water?

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:45 AM   #4844
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after all, it's always come very naturally for me.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:46 AM   #4845
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a well, actually.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:51 AM   #4846
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i once wrote a long tirade about putting yourself in the woman's shoes and how is she going to interpret all the awkward posturing of a mysterious guy who's constantly going on dates with many girls and trying to smooch with them hours after meeting...
i didn't post it and i don't think i can articulate it well again.

but the big question I have is, you say from experience that it doesn't work out when you don't make any bold moves. So how many times have things worked out when you make these bold moves, i.e. developping into a relationship? or am i misinterpreting your motives and you are only after sex?

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:55 AM   #4847
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cause if i speak from my experience and understanding, this strategy only works with guys who are natural at it. confident and uncaring. for the record, i am none of those 3, and i don't think you are either.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 12:50 PM   #4848
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I think part of why people want to think that attraction is totally independent of how people behave and what steps they take
i don't believe that at all...
ok, i don't want to go into fuzzy mode, or feel like a "mansplainer" myself (it's not an appropriate reference, i know), but I will try to extrapolate on my outlook on things.

so regarding this topic, i am quite a big fan of flirting. or i have been. that is, i enjoy flirting with someone with whom i feel attraction.
of course the way a date will progress has everything to do with how you behave. but i think we disagree on the steps to take, or the importance of each one. i feel maybe you underestimate the power of something called tension? there is a slippery slope that you engage in as soon as you go into physical intimacy. it is a fragile barrier, and it is different for everyone, and it can be transgressed much too soon.

i actually strongly believe that the type of girl with whom a guy like you can form a real bond and connection, well this type of girl probably has a strong barrier herself. so it might be necessary to work at her in more subtle ways, gain her trust and confidence. enjoy some ambiguous flirting. flirting can escalate in many ways before becoming physical. i've never held the hand of a girl i wasn't feeling totally smitten with. otherwise it just feels weird, doesn't it? kissing is even more weird to me. kissing is a statement. agreed, some people take kissing lightly, but I have my own limits and i need to respect them.

yes, after some tension has built (or so i imagine), i'd like to initiate touch to see how she reacts about it. then maybe eventually take her hand. i don't need to escalate this to a kiss within the next 20 minutes. I mean, doesn't this simple act speak volumes in itself? isn't this a statement? isn't this enough to plant a seed, go to sleep with a smile and feeling good about having met someone interesting, and think about this someone (positively)? if not, i guess she's just not into you, if so, there is still some tension to work at. if you kiss too quick you kinda blow all the tension away, and then it's already time for the other one to figure out "how do i feel about the next level? wait, how well do i know this person?"

yes many girls will have a lot of trouble figuring you out. that's very unfortunate and hard to deal with. but i have a hard time believing that they will figure you out better when you give mixed signals of wanting to be bold and at the same time anxious of your every move, and then them having to think about "where do I stand about kissing some guy and then going four 4 days without talking and he's only texting me about the logistics of our eventual next date. oh, did he say he had another date with someone else this week? ok..."

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 01:07 PM   #4849
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I am still getting straight A's

my job is OK, I'm a manager at this thing

I'm more social than I've ever been, I'm busier than I've ever been

I've just been trampled by this bad on and off relationship I suppose
Ah, it's the relationship shit getting you down.

From the mouths of babes, I know, but a cursory anecdotal survey of everyone I ever known's love life seems to show that on-again-off-again shit is rarely worth the heartache. Sure, some couples reconsider and reunite and it all works out in the end, but if you've broken up a couple times, there's more than likely a reason for that happening that won't just disappear during your third or fourth or fifth time. It just seems to lead to the same misery. Especially if each rekindling puts you two so far into that idealized honeymoon phase that you forget why you ever broke up, to the point of not working on the problems that led you to break up because they aren't emotionally salient in your mind anymore.

Sometimes, two people can be totally fine, nice, good people, and things just don't work out between them because of irreconcilable differences. It's not an indictment on either you or her to just go your separate ways. The world is full of people. There's probably somebody you'd be just as happy with, but with whom you lack the problems you have with this person. People are unique, but not that unique when there's fucking seven billion of us. You probably feel like "but this one's the one!" but I can guarantee you that isn't true, and there are enough people in the world you are compatible with for you to eventually stumble upon one who isn't going to bring you as many problems, and whom you're not going to bring as many problems.

My advice is just break it off, maybe stay platonic friends if possible (you obviously bring each other some value in your lives, a romantic relationship just isn't working), and talk to other women.

This is all assuming the breakdown of your relationship is just due to differences and not some major character flaw you have that would only lead you down the same path with whomever you dated. But even if it is this, work on yourself and just be a better guy for the next woman who comes along, instead of trying to fix yourself for the current one.

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School is not bringing me any joy

it's just this chore I have to do, I don't particularly like anyone I go to class with either

so now I just tell myself it'll be better when I get to a 4 year university...

I have no reason to be in school anyway I don't want to do anything with my life, except apparently be buried in debt
Just keep doing what you're doing, even if you don't see the immediate point. This is one of those times when a bit of myopia might actually do you some good. The further you project into the future, the more you might think "what's the point, I'm not working toward anything," which could derail you and leave you in a worse position in the future than if you just finished the damn programme. Focus on keeping up those A-grades just for the sake of it and the sake of doing well on the next assignment, the next test, the next class, etc. Take it one day at a time and just do it, don't think about it. Our brains can often be our enemies because they are so damn sophisticated that they are able to rationalize bad choices into appearing smart through mental trickery, so sometimes you just have to not let your brain even have the opportunity to do that and just power through something without too much reflection.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 02:08 PM   #4850
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i once wrote a long tirade about putting yourself in the woman's shoes and how is she going to interpret all the awkward posturing of a mysterious guy who's constantly going on dates with many girls and trying to smooch with them hours after meeting...
i didn't post it and i don't think i can articulate it well again.
Well, I thought it would be taken as a given that when making these moves, you still have to be socially competent and read body language and gauge whether or not she'd be open to the moves being made, not just literally grabbing her and kissing her because it's been an hour into the date and the reminder you set on your phone went off. I'm saying that if there are actual windows to escalate, and you fail to use any of them out of shyness and just continue to act platonically, her attraction will eventually fade, and you'll get the "I didn't feel the spark, I feel like we're just friends" thing.

If you misjudge her body language and make a move that she isn't receptive to (you can feel that she's rigid, or she might even verbally tell you), then just back off, obviously. One of the dates I went on sometime last month, she seemed to reject advances early on in the date (almost in a teasing way, like "oh no no, I'm not letting you do that [wink wink]," rather than in an actually uncomfortable way), and I'd just take two steps back and give her space, and try a bit later on. By the end of the date, she was asking to go home with me and wanted to get physical (though I couldn't do that, because I'm a baby and I live with my parents, so nothing happened).

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but the big question I have is, you say from experience that it doesn't work out when you don't make any bold moves. So how many times have things worked out when you make these bold moves, i.e. developping into a relationship? or am i misinterpreting your motives and you are only after sex?
Well, since I'm usually too shy to make any moves and usually default to just acting platonically, most of my experiences have tended that way. But I've noticed a higher probability of getting further dates if I do make a move. It's just that, usually on those further dates, the awkwardness comes back and I revert to being too platonic, instead of escalating further.

I've also noticed another pattern: just as the onus is on the man to escalate everything to sustain attraction, it's also on him to pull back and put the breaks on things a little. Due to what I think is internalized slut-shaming, women can get a little reticent about going on subsequent dates even after they really liked you and enthusiastically made out with you on the previous one. I'm thinking part of them goes, "oh god, why did I do that with a guy I pretty much just met? I'm not that kind of girl, good girls don't do that. Maybe I should break things off now." So, I find that just as being too platonic and not making a move freezes you out from further dates, having things get too heated does, too. But if in the middle of making out or kissing, you're actually the first to push back a little and go "we're getting ahead of ourselves" and bring it back to conversation, now you've given her some space to not feel so self-conscious and guilty about being physically intimate with you.

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i don't believe that at all...
ok, i don't want to go into fuzzy mode, or feel like a "mansplainer" myself (it's not an appropriate reference, i know), but I will try to extrapolate on my outlook on things.

so regarding this topic, i am quite a big fan of flirting. or i have been. that is, i enjoy flirting with someone with whom i feel attraction.
of course the way a date will progress has everything to do with how you behave. but i think we disagree on the steps to take, or the importance of each one. i feel maybe you underestimate the power of something called tension? there is a slippery slope that you engage in as soon as you go into physical intimacy. it is a fragile barrier, and it is different for everyone, and it can be transgressed much too soon.
In this matter, I feel as though we probably agree more than we disagree. I also think flirting is important, and my tendency to be too platonic and not flirt enough is also what leads to dates not feeling the chemistry. Flirting is exactly what creates the tension that creates the windows in which she will be open to you making further moves, so it goes hand-in-hand, and I probably should have been clearer that I was including flirtatious behaviour in the constellation of acts I referred to as "making moves."

For example, that last date I went on, I obviously made sure to start flirting with her in order to actually be able to warrant physical contact. I also think tension is important; the way I initiated the kiss was actually by getting her to kiss me by creating flirtatious tension. When it came to some natural pause or lull in our intimate conversation, instead of relenting to my knee-jerk reaction to look away and around the room during pauses in speech, I just held eye contact with her, staring into her eyes without saying a word or breaking the silence. I did this for however long, and it caused her to actually move in to kiss me. This is powerful, because it eliminates your chance having the move rejected if you actually kinda got her to do it herself.

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i actually strongly believe that the type of girl with whom a guy like you can form a real bond and connection, well this type of girl probably has a strong barrier herself. so it might be necessary to work at her in more subtle ways, gain her trust and confidence. enjoy some ambiguous flirting. flirting can escalate in many ways before becoming physical. i've never held the hand of a girl i wasn't feeling totally smitten with. otherwise it just feels weird, doesn't it? kissing is even more weird to me. kissing is a statement. agreed, some people take kissing lightly, but I have my own limits and i need to respect them.
I used to think that the shy, nervous girls would be more understanding of my shyness and nervousness, because they know where I'm coming from. Experience is showing me that they actually want a guy that compensates for their reticence by kind of taking the lead, thereby taking the burden of uncertainty off of her shoulders and being her source of stability and comfort. They don't want more of the awkwardness in their lives that they are already good at providing. This one kind of hurt to learn, because upon finding somebody I really liked who I felt even more kinship with because of our similar problems, I really thought "wow, this one... this one's the one." And I could tell she liked me back, especially because she gave things more of a shot and gave me more dates before finally calling it quits in hopes that things would turn around and get less awkward. And I messed it up, because the responsibility was on me to take charge and makes things less awkward and platonic.

I agree with you, flirting is obviously key to facilitating these connections, and that was one of the things I was too shy and awkward to engage in, leading to the lack of felt chemistry.

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yes, after some tension has built (or so i imagine), i'd like to initiate touch to see how she reacts about it. then maybe eventually take her hand. i don't need to escalate this to a kiss within the next 20 minutes. I mean, doesn't this simple act speak volumes in itself? isn't this a statement? isn't this enough to plant a seed, go to sleep with a smile and feeling good about having met someone interesting, and think about this someone (positively)? if not, i guess she's just not into you, if so, there is still some tension to work at. if you kiss too quick you kinda blow all the tension away, and then it's already time for the other one to figure out "how do i feel about the next level? wait, how well do i know this person?"
Yeah, never said you have to escalate to the kiss in 20 minutes or whatever, but you have to make sure you create those windows of opportunity through tension and flirting, and though missing some windows is fine (and could even help in creating more tension), if you miss too many and don't do anything, she will lose interest. And though kissing too early is bad because you won't have built up that tension or comfort, doing that whole "saving the kiss at the very end of the night when you're parting" also puts too much pressure on it and can make it awkward, instead of something that just feels natural and fun. Kissing preferably happens somewhere between "so early that you haven't built a foundation for it yet, causing her to reject it or only accept it uncomfortably," and "at the very end, like you've been two nervous to do it the entire date because you're inexperienced and this is new to you and also you're in high school." Before you've built up enough comfort and rapport, it will definitely also spark that "wait, how much do I know this guy?" feeling, which triggers the internalized slut-shaming and makes her feel "easy" for being with you, instead of like she earned you just as much as you earned her. Also, common-sense feelings of "I'm not even 100% sure this guy won't wear my skin as a suit yet, I should bail."

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yes many girls will have a lot of trouble figuring you out. that's very unfortunate and hard to deal with. but i have a hard time believing that they will figure you out better when you give mixed signals of wanting to be bold and at the same time anxious of your every move, and then them having to think about "where do I stand about kissing some guy and then going four 4 days without talking and he's only texting me about the logistics of our eventual next date. oh, did he say he had another date with someone else this week? ok..."
Well, I mean, even though I don't hide the fact that I'm not exclusive and we're both free to see whomever, I think it's polite to not talk about other dates while on a date. It's kind of a don't-ask-don't-tell thing. I also don't want to hear about her other recent dates. Nobody wants to feel like they're on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, you know? While you're with somebody, I feel it's best to give them your undivided attention and not make direct comparisons to other people you're seeing.

As for texting, I just noticed that even though some girls seem to want to chat all the time, when you actually give them what they seem to want and chat with them, they lose interest and they ghost. Especially because, how much interesting stuff can you really convey succinctly over text? If you're not engaging in conversation that creates value and you're just talking about laundry and shit, you're killing attraction and becoming another one of her girl friends that she chats with. And if you actually get into meaningful conversation, that becomes entire paragraphs, and responding to you becomes a time investment that she has to squeeze into her day, another obligatory chore, and that kills attraction and gets her looking for excuses to make it stop, too. I'm still trying to find the happy middle ground here, because I'm often too busy to schedule second dates within a short amount of time. By the time I can, I haven't texted with her enough in the intervening time, and she probably assumes I've forgotten about her or that she's just a Plan B after some other girl bailed (which she's probably not, even if I'm talking to other girls).

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 02:43 PM   #4851
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won't change. i actually miss community college because the students had lives and took classes more seriously and there were lots of blacks and latinos.

the 4-year university i go to is full of privileged whites, but maybe you'd be more in your element.

i'm only in college because it is a means to an end. the jobs i want require degrees so i need one. it's why i take school seriously.
Ok cool that does sound more my element thanks

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 02:46 PM   #4852
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you're a manager at a thing? omg, young white boys always get managerial jobs at things. that will look good on your resume when you want to be a manager of another thing.

i always see white men managing black crews of construction workers. shit's gross.
it's very true I do manage minorities

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 03:11 PM   #4853
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white boys that can go to the 'rents have no function and should all drop dead I do basically agree too

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 04:16 PM   #4854
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Can confirm, Elph is my boss and he writes me up when I come back from my lunch break five minutes late

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 04:34 PM   #4855
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it will definitely also spark that "wait, how much do I know this guy?" feeling, which triggers the internalized slut-shaming and makes her feel "easy" for being with you
you seriously put a lot of emphasis on slut-shaming... yet i can share the same feelings than most girls in this regard and obviously it's not because of some internalized slut-shaming, so what could it possibly be?

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 04:38 PM   #4856
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Originally Posted by Disco King View Post
I'm still trying to find the happy middle ground here, because I'm often too busy to schedule second dates within a short amount of time. By the time I can, I haven't texted with her enough in the intervening time, and she probably assumes I've forgotten about her or that she's just a Plan B after some other girl bailed (which she's probably not, even if I'm talking to other girls).
i think this is exactly the problem... you're willing to kiss her yet you're not invested enough to want to see her again tomorrow or the day after, it's just another one of those things you need to overcalculate.
what is a girl to do?
are you into her or not?
maybe the answer is no.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 05:57 PM   #4857
Disco King
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Originally Posted by myosis View Post
i think this is exactly the problem... you're willing to kiss her yet you're not invested enough to want to see her again tomorrow or the day after, it's just another one of those things you need to overcalculate.
what is a girl to do?
are you into her or not?
maybe the answer is no.
It's not about not being invested, it's about being a busy working student who can't afford the time to really see any particular person every single day of the week. I've got assignments. I've got shifts. I've got engagements with friends. Even if I can see you in a couple of days, maybe that specific day doesn't work for her. Instead, she's free tomorrow, but I'm not free tomorrow. My next available opening is next week, but the specific day next week doesn't work for her. Before you know it, it's been two weeks between dates. The people I see are also usually busy working students. This is just how it goes for me. I have no idea how people are able to organize their schedules so that they are seeing a particular person, like, every other day.

I still try to communicate my availability. I respond to all texts and never ghost anyone, despite getting ghosted quite a bit myself. Once I set a date, I rarely flake. I think I'm holding up my end of the investment thing more than most people I see are.

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 08:27 PM   #4858
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Originally Posted by yo soy el mejor View Post
blacks
I have been under the impression that this term is unacceptable

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 08:29 PM   #4859
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DK we should fuck

 
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:46 PM   #4860
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DK you know you're my pal and stuff

but you sound sort of insane talking about this stuff

i mean what do i know i've been on a handful of dates in the last decade. but for someone who puts a lot of thought into all these aspects of dating, are you even satisfied with your results. like, ever?

 
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