Statement of Themes.

Fathoms (unadored) · 12:13 AM

Netphoria performs a type of microcosmic therapuetic role in my visits here. Granted it may be a twisted form of therapy because I've never in my three years here come to really know any of you on a level deeper than what is revealed in the periodic discussions I get involved in (and in most such discussions my contributions are rightfully to a great extent ignored). On some level though, I feel vindicated by having a place too express myself even at times when the self is very ugly or inconsequenstial. I have a face voice here... Most of the time it goes unoticed. But at least its there. Which is more than enough to keep me coming back.

In short, this is a thread intended to provide a slightly refined type of self-pity or self-validation. Chose what you may, its your voice. With my larynx (in a manner of uh, typing) I've opted to make a statement of themes in my life. Ones that keep me crawling through the gutter of middle class existance, and the others that motivate me to look beyond that-and give me some semblance of hope.

THEMES

Vitality fluxuating at inconvenient intervals

Now here is a theme wich overstates something crucial. Rarely do I have vitality at all of which to make-do with but lately I have been trying rigorously to kick my own ass and establish some sense of identity. I have been without one for eons....EONS!!!! The unfortunate thing is that no matter how much progress I make external influences always end up being too smothering and my higher brain functions all but shut down completely. Later on, months down the road I'll pick myself up and find I'm at the bottom of the mountain again. With little to build upon.

The worst influece even sharper than a serpents tooth is the burden of enviroment. Apparently, no amount of strain or effort will cure the effect white walls and dreary-stale air has on my propensity for meditation. I buy books, cd's, and, having unliimited free time on my hands I try to get this meditation thing working for me. I can only get so far before things start to cave. My room is most definately the culprit here. There are no windows, it is extremely cold. Meditation lately only makes me tired or fall asleep. Which is the opposite of what I am trying to accomplish. Without the ability to calm the rage, anxiety and sadness feasting on the insides of my body I won't ever get out of this lifelong funk I'm in. Honestly, I'm twenty years old and I've never had a job, to a large extent I have no relationship with my family, I have no freinds, I have never had a girlfriend, I have no desire to aquire work, and I can't even talk to people. It scares me. Everything scares me.

Clamy hand of isolation has my neck in a death-grip

When meditation fails, my higher consciousness plunges into obscurity. I end up with nothing left but emptiness and thoughts of death, dying, and the end of the world. If I can't be calm, I can't focus on my interests, and even if I can they don't resonate with me like I believe they should. Thoughts of being alone forever swell up inside and make it impossible to function in any social context at all...

Dreams are making my heart giggle

Through all of the turbulance, I'm gradually turning into the Yoda of the dream planes. My average recall is 5 per night. I have lucid dreams, epic dreams, trauma dreams, stupid waste of time dreams, funny dreams, enlightening dreams, and I have them all scribbled down in my journals. It's the one thing I'm good at. And I feel I'm making progress. If I can just remain forcused and don't let the frustration of being alive eat me alive, It may help me overcome my profound social ineptness. I've created a dreamguide whose beauty-if all comes to fruition-is only exceeded by here wisdom... viva dreams.

aldango · 07-18-2003, 12:14 AM

*applauds*

07-18-2003, 12:37 AM

jesus loves you@!!!
and if he doesn't then someone out there does.
i may sound quite naive and idealistic, but i know that, by some odd fluke, everyone finds someone.
a part of beauty is being able to see and share it with others. you're a good writer and i know it seems hopeless where you are right now but just tell yourself "it could be worse".
atleast you're not a cockroach!

Desi · 07-18-2003, 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by trykristin
jesus loves you@!!!
and if he doesn't then someone out there does.
i may sound quite naive and idealistic, but i know that, by some odd fluke, everyone finds someone.
a part of beauty is being able to see and share it with others. you're a good writer and i know it seems hopeless where you are right now but just tell yourself "it could be worse".
atleast you're not a cockroach!

YOU JUST RUINED A REALLY GREAT THREAD.

KTHNX.

07-18-2003, 12:10 AM	#1
Fathoms (unadored) Apocalyptic Poster Location: Iceland Posts: 4,669	Statement of Themes. Netphoria performs a type of microcosmic therapuetic role in my visits here. Granted it may be a twisted form of therapy because I've never in my three years here come to really know any of you on a level deeper than what is revealed in the periodic discussions I get involved in (and in most such discussions my contributions are rightfully to a great extent ignored). On some level though, I feel vindicated by having a place too express myself even at times when the self is very ugly or inconsequenstial. I have a face voice here... Most of the time it goes unoticed. But at least its there. Which is more than enough to keep me coming back. In short, this is a thread intended to provide a slightly refined type of self-pity or self-validation. Chose what you may, its your voice. With my larynx (in a manner of uh, typing) I've opted to make a statement of themes in my life. Ones that keep me crawling through the gutter of middle class existance, and the others that motivate me to look beyond that-and give me some semblance of hope. THEMES Vitality fluxuating at inconvenient intervals Now here is a theme wich overstates something crucial. Rarely do I have vitality at all of which to make-do with but lately I have been trying rigorously to kick my own ass and establish some sense of identity. I have been without one for eons....EONS!!!! The unfortunate thing is that no matter how much progress I make external influences always end up being too smothering and my higher brain functions all but shut down completely. Later on, months down the road I'll pick myself up and find I'm at the bottom of the mountain again. With little to build upon. The worst influece even sharper than a serpents tooth is the burden of enviroment. Apparently, no amount of strain or effort will cure the effect white walls and dreary-stale air has on my propensity for meditation. I buy books, cd's, and, having unliimited free time on my hands I try to get this meditation thing working for me. I can only get so far before things start to cave. My room is most definately the culprit here. There are no windows, it is extremely cold. Meditation lately only makes me tired or fall asleep. Which is the opposite of what I am trying to accomplish. Without the ability to calm the rage, anxiety and sadness feasting on the insides of my body I won't ever get out of this lifelong funk I'm in. Honestly, I'm twenty years old and I've never had a job, to a large extent I have no relationship with my family, I have no freinds, I have never had a girlfriend, I have no desire to aquire work, and I can't even talk to people. It scares me. Everything scares me. Clamy hand of isolation has my neck in a death-grip When meditation fails, my higher consciousness plunges into obscurity. I end up with nothing left but emptiness and thoughts of death, dying, and the end of the world. If I can't be calm, I can't focus on my interests, and even if I can they don't resonate with me like I believe they should. Thoughts of being alone forever swell up inside and make it impossible to function in any social context at all... Dreams are making my heart giggle Through all of the turbulance, I'm gradually turning into the Yoda of the dream planes. My average recall is 5 per night. I have lucid dreams, epic dreams, trauma dreams, stupid waste of time dreams, funny dreams, enlightening dreams, and I have them all scribbled down in my journals. It's the one thing I'm good at. And I feel I'm making progress. If I can just remain forcused and don't let the frustration of being alive eat me alive, It may help me overcome my profound social ineptness. I've created a dreamguide whose beauty-if all comes to fruition-is only exceeded by here wisdom... viva dreams. __________________ thank you very much, for dying. I'll tell you more about it at the after party, when I'm done lying... Last edited by Fathoms (unadored) : 07-18-2003 at 12:13 AM.

07-18-2003, 12:14 AM	#2
aldango Apocalyptic Poster Posts: 3,081	applauds

07-18-2003, 12:37 AM	#3
that bitch kristin Posts: n/a	jesus loves you@!!! and if he doesn't then someone out there does. i may sound quite naive and idealistic, but i know that, by some odd fluke, everyone finds someone. a part of beauty is being able to see and share it with others. you're a good writer and i know it seems hopeless where you are right now but just tell yourself "it could be worse". atleast you're not a cockroach!