Maybe we could tell stories or something, you know, have a few laughs and stuff - Page 3

drowningspider · 12-13-2007, 05:25 PM

When I was in high school in Texas I used to have to find clever ways to sneak out in order to drink, smoke weed, etc, because my parents were extremely strict. Well, one time when I was 15 or so, I made plans with my boyfriend at the time to sneak out of the house (on a Wednesday night, I think) and "hang out" somewhere (wink wink).

He was supposed to drive to my street around midnight, leave his car on the road, run up to my house and knock on my bedroom window, and then wait for me to come outside. This was all well and good, and a plan that had worked many times before, but on this particular night I was really tired, I guess, and fell asleep before midnight came around. To further complicate things, my dad was out of town on a business trip so my paranoid mom had our dogs in their outside pen instead of inside, to guard the house.

So midnight rolls around, and I'm dead asleep. The bf shows up and knocks on the window, but the dogs start barking as soon as they see him. Somehow I don't wake up until I hear this "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" outside. It's my mom, crazed with rage and paranoia, and she's holding her handgun.

The bf's like "HOLY SHIT!" and runs back to his car, while my mom has sicks the dogs on him in true Texas fashion. She even fires a shot and yells "Get off of my property, you bastard!" while in the meantime I'm inside groaning at the sudden redneck turn of events.

My boyfriend broke up with me the next day at school. C'est la Vie.

drowningspider · 12-13-2007, 05:26 PM

My husband once told me that right after the whole Tyson/Holyfield ear fiasco, chocolate ears became a popular candy store item in China. No joke.

Mayfuck · 12-13-2007, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drowningspider

I commute to and from work on the LA Metro because a) it's convenient b) it's good for the environment and c) people who ride the subway blow my mind.

yay!

sickbadthing · 12-13-2007, 05:46 PM

Sunday mornings are sacrosanct to me. I usually creep out of bed around nine, shower and then spend two hours drinking coffee and reading the paper. The next day was no exception and I was quietly pondering the Times crossword when the phone rang. It was Alice. She said hello in a rather subdued voice and asked if we could meet. The day was nice and sunny and I suggested we meet in a small pub I know opposite Hyde Park at 12.00.

I had hardly started my first pint of ale when Alice arrived. She was wearing a bright sun dress, her hair was worn down and she looked pretty as a picture. I brought her a drink and we sat in a quiet corner of the pub. "I want to apologize for my behavior last night," she said. "I don't know what you mean," I replied in confusion. "I shouldn't have fallen asleep the way I did and left you to let your self out." came he reply. "Also, I hope you didn't mind doing those things I asked you to do."

I had enough of this. "Am I complaining?," I asked. "First of all I was pleased to do whatever you asked and the fact that you fell asleep makes no difference. You enjoyment was enough for me. Secondly you must learn to stop apologizing and start enjoying yourself. There is no need for you to be shy or embarrassed about sex." I replied in my sternest voice rather like a father telling off his daughter. Up to now I couldn't give a toss about a bird's feelings, only whether she enjoyed a good fuck. Somehow with Alice things were different.

Alice looked relieved. "Henry, I want to make amends, would you like to come around to my flat for lunch?" Naturally I accepted.

Lunch was a delight, salad, fresh bread, plenty of chilled white wine. Something still bothered me about the previous night and I came out with it. " Alice, forgive my curiosity, but I can't believe the way you orgasmed as I rimmed your rear" She blushed a little and said explained how her anus had always been her most sensitive area and how while all her friends at school masturbated by rubbing their clits or pushed a vibrator into their cunts, all she needed was to push a finger or other suitable object into her ass. Her favorite toy was a 2 inch thick German candle which had a rippled surface rather like tree bark. This was guaranteed to bring her off. As she got older she also found great satisfaction from a little scat play . She liked the smell of her shit which was left on her finger or candle and soon found that the taste was also to her liking. Because her friends did not get the same sensations she started to worry that she was abnormal and became withdrawn. This has led to shyness and the cold facade she put on at work.

I'm not a psychologist but I couldn't see that she really had any problems. What she needed was a good dose of reality to clear away her misplaced repression. I explained to her that there aren't really any particular sexual practices which are normal or abnormal. Some, such as paedophilia which are commonly unacceptable I understand, otherwise it's all about what turns you on and whether you do any harm. If her ass does the business for her then fine. No-one was entitled to judge her.

Alice suddenly said "Henry, I want to pay you back for last night. Stand up and take off your clothes." Being an obedient sort of guy I did just that. Just as I reached just my under pants Alice grabbed me and started to tongue my navel. Wow, was that good. "Slow down," I gasped, "I want to see you naked." Without any hesitation Alice stripped. She looked amazing, her tits were full but didn't sag in any way. She had pert, dark nipples which were erect. Her dark bush spread across her lower belly and formed a thin line up to her navel. Before I could look further she knelt down and started to kiss my cock through my pants. She slowly pulled my pants down and took my cock in her mouth. She had the softest of mouths and she gently sucked as she moved my cock in and out of her mouth. I groaned how good it was. Alice stopped, looked up at me and said "Believe it or not, yours is the first I have ever sucked." And resumed her sucking. She certainly was a fast learner. Her tongue traced it's way to my balls and she took each one in turn into her mouth. Her tongue continued it's way down and soon she was greedily lapping at my anus. By this time I was seriously ready to shoot and I thought my cock would explode at any time. Alice eased two fingers into my ass and gently rubbed my prostrate. At the same time she resumed sucking my cock. This was too much and I told her that I was about to cum. In reply she sucked harder and my gism spurted thickly down her throat. Alice swallowed as fast as she could but the white fluid escaped the sides of her mouth and dripped onto her perfect tits.

"That tasted good," Alice exclaimed as she licked my cock clean. I wasn't in a fit state to reply.

Later we lay on the bed resting. Alice was slowly pushing her finger in and out of her ass with obvious enjoyment. "Would your ass like some more attention," I asked. "Definitely," she replied, "but I would like to try some other things." "Do you like the taste of shit?" Alice asked. "I had tasted a small amount the previous night and yes it did taste OK. I told her so. She removed her finger and I could see it was well covered in shit, she must have had a full load inside her. She licked her finger and offered it to me. "Want a lick?" I took her finger in my mouth and sucked it clean. Yep, her shit still tasted good. "Can I shit into you mouth?" Alice asked. This was a new idea but it wasn't the time for faint-heartedness. "OK," I said, hoping I was going to like it, and I rolled over onto my back. Alice squatted over me with her ass above my nose. The smell was strong and I guessed that she hadn't showered that day - probably on purpose. She lowered her ass and I pressed my mouth over her asshole and sucked. I pushed my tongue in and her ass opened. My tongue soon encountered a turd. Alice pushed and the turd slid into my mouth. Initially the smell was too much and I felt the need to throw up. I managed to control it and things improved as I felt the greasy surface of the turd slide over my lips. Soon my mouth was full and the turd was pressing at the back of my throat - I had to work hard not to gag. The heat and rich taste from Alice's shit was overpowering. The knowledge that the heat was from her bowels made the whole process so much more intimate. I felt as though I had visited her most private places.

"Don't chew," she ordered. As she pushed she lifted herself up. The turd must have been about seven inches long, half buried in my mouth and half sticking out. Alice turned around and took the other end in her mouth and pushed her face down towards mine taking her half of the turd deep into her mouth. Soon we were kissing each with half a turd buried in our mouths. She moaned gently and started to chew on her half of the turd, I started to do the same. It was soft and started to melt in my mouth. With my mouth full of shit a brown mixture of shit and saliva spilled out and trickled down my chin. The taste can only be described as unique. Not tasty in the normal sense of food - this was too bitter and pungent. There was a deep sexuality that no normal food could reproduce. A deep intimacy of sharing - everything is exposed, there are no secrets. We had both swallowed our share and kissed deeply exchanging fluids. As we did, Alice reached behind her and pushed another turd into her hand. She held her hand in front of me and squeezed it closed so that the shit squirted between her fingers. She then pressed her open palm against my face. And rubbed. Once my face was well covered she careful licked me clean pausing from time to time to kiss me deeply.

"Do you want to fuck my bum?" she asked. "Yes please," I naturally replied. She then squatted over me and lowered herself onto my throbbing cock. Her anus was relaxed and slightly open after her shit and my cock slid easily into her messy hole. Alice gasped loudly and pushed down until her arse pressed against my balls. I have a pretty decent sized cock which is both long and fat and I was surprised how easily she took it all. "This is better than a candle," Alice grinned and she started to ride my cock up and down. With every stroke her gasps got louder and her face redder. I could also feel my cock swelling. Just before I came Alice's eyes opened wide -"I hope you don't get any bigger" she gasped. We came together, Alice with load gasps and squeals, me with thick jets of cum into her bowels. The sensation was so strong that it felt as if my guts were being pushed out of my cock. After a moment, Alice reached over to the bedside table and picked up her wine glass. She lifted herself off my cock and held the glass under her ass to catch the brown mixture of cum and shit as it poured out. She pushed until with a loud fart most of the fluid poured out. Then with as much an expression of ecstasy as a connoisseur of wine she drank the mixture down and then licked the glass clean.

"I want to taste your shit," Alice said, in a while. I had no desire to taste my own (I would rather eat hers) so I squatted over her face. She immediately sucked at my arse greedily. As I pushed a fat turd out she sucked and chewed at it. In record time Alice ate the lot.

A while after we had recovered, showered and were laying on the bed resting I spoke. "That was the most incredible experience of my life."

"Hmmmm, it was pretty good wasn't it," Alice replied. "Look Henry, I know you're not strong on commitment but I think we have some great chemistry going between us." I couldn't argue with her. "I don't want to loose this thing we have going but I can't compromise my beliefs concerning my virginity. What are we going to do?"

Even in my weakened state I couldn't contemplate marriage - well not yet. "Alice, I love you dearly, I think you're great company and a wonderful person, and I respect your views. I want nothing more than to stay with you and to continue our relationship. Will you consider for the time being that we continue the good work we have started and see how it develops?"

She nodded with smile and kissed me deeply while rubbing my cock ......

aurel · 12-14-2007, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hnibos

i dont get this, why?

Imagine a soldier trying to question three suspects in an intimidating fashion while behind him his "highly trained" colleague with automatic rifle in hand gets trapped in some bushes. His ineptitude made them all look stupid and undermined their authority in the situation. That coupled with the fact that they realised they were on a wild goose chase because we obviously weren't robbing houses but instead partaking in some fresh air drinking. They still could have fucked with us quite heavily but luckily cut their losses and I managed to get a sly dig at the eejit trapped in the shrubbery.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

12-13-2007, 05:25 PM	#61
drowningspider Pledge Location: North Hollywood, CA Posts: 147	When I was in high school in Texas I used to have to find clever ways to sneak out in order to drink, smoke weed, etc, because my parents were extremely strict. Well, one time when I was 15 or so, I made plans with my boyfriend at the time to sneak out of the house (on a Wednesday night, I think) and "hang out" somewhere (wink wink). He was supposed to drive to my street around midnight, leave his car on the road, run up to my house and knock on my bedroom window, and then wait for me to come outside. This was all well and good, and a plan that had worked many times before, but on this particular night I was really tired, I guess, and fell asleep before midnight came around. To further complicate things, my dad was out of town on a business trip so my paranoid mom had our dogs in their outside pen instead of inside, to guard the house. So midnight rolls around, and I'm dead asleep. The bf shows up and knocks on the window, but the dogs start barking as soon as they see him. Somehow I don't wake up until I hear this "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" outside. It's my mom, crazed with rage and paranoia, and she's holding her handgun. The bf's like "HOLY SHIT!" and runs back to his car, while my mom has sicks the dogs on him in true Texas fashion. She even fires a shot and yells "Get off of my property, you bastard!" while in the meantime I'm inside groaning at the sudden redneck turn of events. My boyfriend broke up with me the next day at school. C'est la Vie.

12-13-2007, 05:26 PM	#62
drowningspider Pledge Location: North Hollywood, CA Posts: 147	My husband once told me that right after the whole Tyson/Holyfield ear fiasco, chocolate ears became a popular candy store item in China. No joke.

12-13-2007, 05:46 PM	#64
sickbadthing Out fart the hottie! Location: I have super gonorrhoea Posts: 24,316	Sunday mornings are sacrosanct to me. I usually creep out of bed around nine, shower and then spend two hours drinking coffee and reading the paper. The next day was no exception and I was quietly pondering the Times crossword when the phone rang. It was Alice. She said hello in a rather subdued voice and asked if we could meet. The day was nice and sunny and I suggested we meet in a small pub I know opposite Hyde Park at 12.00. I had hardly started my first pint of ale when Alice arrived. She was wearing a bright sun dress, her hair was worn down and she looked pretty as a picture. I brought her a drink and we sat in a quiet corner of the pub. "I want to apologize for my behavior last night," she said. "I don't know what you mean," I replied in confusion. "I shouldn't have fallen asleep the way I did and left you to let your self out." came he reply. "Also, I hope you didn't mind doing those things I asked you to do." I had enough of this. "Am I complaining?," I asked. "First of all I was pleased to do whatever you asked and the fact that you fell asleep makes no difference. You enjoyment was enough for me. Secondly you must learn to stop apologizing and start enjoying yourself. There is no need for you to be shy or embarrassed about sex." I replied in my sternest voice rather like a father telling off his daughter. Up to now I couldn't give a toss about a bird's feelings, only whether she enjoyed a good fuck. Somehow with Alice things were different. Alice looked relieved. "Henry, I want to make amends, would you like to come around to my flat for lunch?" Naturally I accepted. Lunch was a delight, salad, fresh bread, plenty of chilled white wine. Something still bothered me about the previous night and I came out with it. " Alice, forgive my curiosity, but I can't believe the way you orgasmed as I rimmed your rear" She blushed a little and said explained how her anus had always been her most sensitive area and how while all her friends at school masturbated by rubbing their clits or pushed a vibrator into their cunts, all she needed was to push a finger or other suitable object into her ass. Her favorite toy was a 2 inch thick German candle which had a rippled surface rather like tree bark. This was guaranteed to bring her off. As she got older she also found great satisfaction from a little scat play . She liked the smell of her shit which was left on her finger or candle and soon found that the taste was also to her liking. Because her friends did not get the same sensations she started to worry that she was abnormal and became withdrawn. This has led to shyness and the cold facade she put on at work. I'm not a psychologist but I couldn't see that she really had any problems. What she needed was a good dose of reality to clear away her misplaced repression. I explained to her that there aren't really any particular sexual practices which are normal or abnormal. Some, such as paedophilia which are commonly unacceptable I understand, otherwise it's all about what turns you on and whether you do any harm. If her ass does the business for her then fine. No-one was entitled to judge her. Alice suddenly said "Henry, I want to pay you back for last night. Stand up and take off your clothes." Being an obedient sort of guy I did just that. Just as I reached just my under pants Alice grabbed me and started to tongue my navel. Wow, was that good. "Slow down," I gasped, "I want to see you naked." Without any hesitation Alice stripped. She looked amazing, her tits were full but didn't sag in any way. She had pert, dark nipples which were erect. Her dark bush spread across her lower belly and formed a thin line up to her navel. Before I could look further she knelt down and started to kiss my cock through my pants. She slowly pulled my pants down and took my cock in her mouth. She had the softest of mouths and she gently sucked as she moved my cock in and out of her mouth. I groaned how good it was. Alice stopped, looked up at me and said "Believe it or not, yours is the first I have ever sucked." And resumed her sucking. She certainly was a fast learner. Her tongue traced it's way to my balls and she took each one in turn into her mouth. Her tongue continued it's way down and soon she was greedily lapping at my anus. By this time I was seriously ready to shoot and I thought my cock would explode at any time. Alice eased two fingers into my ass and gently rubbed my prostrate. At the same time she resumed sucking my cock. This was too much and I told her that I was about to cum. In reply she sucked harder and my gism spurted thickly down her throat. Alice swallowed as fast as she could but the white fluid escaped the sides of her mouth and dripped onto her perfect tits. "That tasted good," Alice exclaimed as she licked my cock clean. I wasn't in a fit state to reply. Later we lay on the bed resting. Alice was slowly pushing her finger in and out of her ass with obvious enjoyment. "Would your ass like some more attention," I asked. "Definitely," she replied, "but I would like to try some other things." "Do you like the taste of shit?" Alice asked. "I had tasted a small amount the previous night and yes it did taste OK. I told her so. She removed her finger and I could see it was well covered in shit, she must have had a full load inside her. She licked her finger and offered it to me. "Want a lick?" I took her finger in my mouth and sucked it clean. Yep, her shit still tasted good. "Can I shit into you mouth?" Alice asked. This was a new idea but it wasn't the time for faint-heartedness. "OK," I said, hoping I was going to like it, and I rolled over onto my back. Alice squatted over me with her ass above my nose. The smell was strong and I guessed that she hadn't showered that day - probably on purpose. She lowered her ass and I pressed my mouth over her asshole and sucked. I pushed my tongue in and her ass opened. My tongue soon encountered a turd. Alice pushed and the turd slid into my mouth. Initially the smell was too much and I felt the need to throw up. I managed to control it and things improved as I felt the greasy surface of the turd slide over my lips. Soon my mouth was full and the turd was pressing at the back of my throat - I had to work hard not to gag. The heat and rich taste from Alice's shit was overpowering. The knowledge that the heat was from her bowels made the whole process so much more intimate. I felt as though I had visited her most private places. "Don't chew," she ordered. As she pushed she lifted herself up. The turd must have been about seven inches long, half buried in my mouth and half sticking out. Alice turned around and took the other end in her mouth and pushed her face down towards mine taking her half of the turd deep into her mouth. Soon we were kissing each with half a turd buried in our mouths. She moaned gently and started to chew on her half of the turd, I started to do the same. It was soft and started to melt in my mouth. With my mouth full of shit a brown mixture of shit and saliva spilled out and trickled down my chin. The taste can only be described as unique. Not tasty in the normal sense of food - this was too bitter and pungent. There was a deep sexuality that no normal food could reproduce. A deep intimacy of sharing - everything is exposed, there are no secrets. We had both swallowed our share and kissed deeply exchanging fluids. As we did, Alice reached behind her and pushed another turd into her hand. She held her hand in front of me and squeezed it closed so that the shit squirted between her fingers. She then pressed her open palm against my face. And rubbed. Once my face was well covered she careful licked me clean pausing from time to time to kiss me deeply. "Do you want to fuck my bum?" she asked. "Yes please," I naturally replied. She then squatted over me and lowered herself onto my throbbing cock. Her anus was relaxed and slightly open after her shit and my cock slid easily into her messy hole. Alice gasped loudly and pushed down until her arse pressed against my balls. I have a pretty decent sized cock which is both long and fat and I was surprised how easily she took it all. "This is better than a candle," Alice grinned and she started to ride my cock up and down. With every stroke her gasps got louder and her face redder. I could also feel my cock swelling. Just before I came Alice's eyes opened wide -"I hope you don't get any bigger" she gasped. We came together, Alice with load gasps and squeals, me with thick jets of cum into her bowels. The sensation was so strong that it felt as if my guts were being pushed out of my cock. After a moment, Alice reached over to the bedside table and picked up her wine glass. She lifted herself off my cock and held the glass under her ass to catch the brown mixture of cum and shit as it poured out. She pushed until with a loud fart most of the fluid poured out. Then with as much an expression of ecstasy as a connoisseur of wine she drank the mixture down and then licked the glass clean. "I want to taste your shit," Alice said, in a while. I had no desire to taste my own (I would rather eat hers) so I squatted over her face. She immediately sucked at my arse greedily. As I pushed a fat turd out she sucked and chewed at it. In record time Alice ate the lot. A while after we had recovered, showered and were laying on the bed resting I spoke. "That was the most incredible experience of my life." "Hmmmm, it was pretty good wasn't it," Alice replied. "Look Henry, I know you're not strong on commitment but I think we have some great chemistry going between us." I couldn't argue with her. "I don't want to loose this thing we have going but I can't compromise my beliefs concerning my virginity. What are we going to do?" Even in my weakened state I couldn't contemplate marriage - well not yet. "Alice, I love you dearly, I think you're great company and a wonderful person, and I respect your views. I want nothing more than to stay with you and to continue our relationship. Will you consider for the time being that we continue the good work we have started and see how it develops?" She nodded with smile and kissed me deeply while rubbing my cock ......