a few things i need to get off of my chest.

dusty · 03-31-2003, 11:47 PM

this thread was created soley for the purpose of making me feel better. i don't care if anyone reads this. i don't care if anyone replies. i don't care what happens to this thread after i post it, because i just need to talk. i just need to talk and pretend to myself that someone else is listening whether or not anyone actually is.

often times when i find myself bitching about life, situations, and about other people i am ashamed to hear the cruel things that come out of my mouth. when i was child my mother was recovering from her long lived cocaine addiction. she went through each of the twelve steps of CA and AA, and she could never resist the urge to take me through them also. when i was twelve years old she went on this trip about how ungrateful i was. she made me make a "grateful list". this practice occurs in AA to help the addict realize that life is worth living and that they need to be more thankful and appreciative. she said that my grateful list was all wrong. that i was not appreciative of the things that i should be appreciative for. i remember writting that list and sticking her name way at the bottom. i thought that would show her. it did, and i just ended up hurting her. the whole thing sticks with me. now that i am older i can not tell if i really AM ungrateful, or if it was just something pounded into my head. something that resulted from living with a drug addict and then a recovering drug addict. sometimes people that i know now call me ungrateful. when they do that it takes me back to the prepubescent days of cold apartments and lonely nights. living with my mom, eating frozen pizza by candle light.
i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.
i used to be so fucking poetic. i used to make sense. i used to be smart and mysterious and interesting and now i am just loud and uneducated.
what i intended to say... what i meant to say was that nowadays no matter how hard i try i always feel like i am pushing people away. it's like there's a little voice in my head that says "i love this person- they are awesome. i must never speak to them again." it's not even really a fear of commitment... it's just... a fear of... the loss of time. if that makes any sense at all. i was going to the counselling center that they have here at UCI for a while. but then i had to stop going. they had a limit of eight sessions per year and last quarter i went for fifteen sessions. i really reemed that place...

i just wish that somewhere a long the line i had been given the ability to tell people, to express with words and gestures and actions just how much i love them. i say thank you all the time.
but i never did really learn how to say thank you.
but i realize now that when the whining starts, and the bitching and the ungratefulness, it's not really that i am unhappy with everyone else, it's that i'm unhappy with myself. i'm unhappy with the way that i do things and i'm unhappy with who i am.
i feel that i am myself more than anyone else i know, but at the same time i am not myself at all. how can this be? it doesn't even make sense.
and here the words come to rest on the ears and eyes of the deaf and mute. no one is listening right now, and maybe i don't mind. sometimes there is nothing more humiliating than having a shoulder to cry on. sometimes there is nothing more embarassing than looking someone in the eye who you confided in the night before.
and then the cycle begins again and i find myself saying "i hate" instead of "i love."

palidor · 03-31-2003, 11:51 PM

http://www.eonline.com/Features/Feat...erds.urkel.gif

Toby · 03-31-2003, 11:54 PM

http://www.explodingdog.com/dumbpict51/cheerup.gif

mirrar · 04-01-2003, 12:36 AM

what you're saying totally makes sense, actually. i'm glad i read it, and i'm not going to sit here and type out some generic "everything will be okay" bullshit for you, i'm just going to say that just by recognising things like that and being able to so clearly identify where your problems come from shows that you've got good coping and venting skills. best of luck to you in dealing with everything.

04-01-2003, 01:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dusty

and here the words come to rest on the ears and eyes of the deaf and mute. no one is listening right now, and maybe i don't mind. sometimes there is nothing more humiliating than having a shoulder to cry on. sometimes there is nothing more embarassing than looking someone in the eye who you confided in the night before.
and then the cycle begins again and i find myself saying "i hate" instead of "i love."

i liked this part right here.
the humiliating part is SO true, but i think it's mainly because i have too much pride to need someone's help.

Caligula · 04-01-2003, 01:23 AM

That sucks Red Wine Cage, because you're a fuckup, you need a lot of help.

sarmatianus · 04-01-2003, 01:25 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Caligula
That sucks Red Wine Cage, because you're a fuckup, you need a lot of help.

"If you had but one neck, I'd hack it through."

John Hurt rocks.

spring · 04-01-2003, 01:37 AM

Hi,

I know that probably my opinion doesn't matter much, since probably nobody here knows me anyway, but I was just reading your post, dusty, and I thought it was very touching. From my own experience, I can't say that I've been through things half as hard as what you've talked about, but I think I can imagine what it's like.
What really bothers me is when great people have such low self esteem that they end up hurting themselves more than anyone or anything. We are always the harshest judges of ourselves, and unless we listen when someone tells us we're not that bad, things may not change in a lifetime.
I think it's healthy to vent. I think spilling your heart out to somebody else shouldn't embarrass you that much. I think that some things we do are better left unjustified and unaccounted for in terms of guilt or regret.
Like I said, it probably doesn't mean much, but just try to find a piece of blue sky just for yourself, and if optimism doesn't characterize you, at least let the dark thoughts fly away once in a while, pay no mind to them, and have better hopes for the future.

take care of yourself.

m.

dusty · 04-01-2003, 03:35 AM

thank you. a lot

.

Donkey · 04-01-2003, 03:37 AM

get your bra and shirt off your chest

Crippler · 04-01-2003, 03:45 AM

www.livejournal.com

dusty · 04-01-2003, 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Crippler
www.livejournal.com

i can never love anywhere like i love netphoria

Crippler · 04-01-2003, 03:50 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dusty
i can never love anywhere like i love netphoria

Thank heavens...as your tirades are often interesting and emotionally intriguing.

dusty · 04-01-2003, 03:53 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Crippler

Thank heavens...as your tirades are often interesting and emotionally intriguing.

ava transformer · 04-01-2003, 12:51 PM

unfortunately, what u wrote feels like my life story. my mom was also on drugs for a very long time. i actually witnessed her transform from a PTA , bake sale baking mom, to a woman out of her mind on crank. there were times when i threw her drugs away, but at the time she violently attacked me. i also witnessed her attempts at suicide, which made an impact on me. so much that i was hospitalized at 14 for bringing a knife to school to kill myself. i hate that i see so much of her, during her crazy years, in myself & the way i react to things. i hate the fact that the apple did not fall far from the tree in this case. but i am also grateful that because of her, i don't do drugs or drink. i have occasionally done some things, here & there, but i never have to do be on something to have a good time when i go out.

noir cat · 04-01-2003, 03:04 PM

Hey, deer.
You are your own person and you are probably appreciative in your own way. I see that you love and appreciate Netphoria (but as to WHY you do, I will never understand

)I very much identify with you in this post. Maybe you should write a short nonfiction story piece about it.

But anyway.

Feel better.

noir cat · 04-01-2003, 03:05 PM

On the bright side, after this post, I see you in a new light as a sensitive and vulnerable being and I respect and appreciate you more.

Oil Painted Eyes · 04-01-2003, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dusty
what i intended to say... what i meant to say was that nowadays no matter how hard i try i always feel like i am pushing people away. it's like there's a little voice in my head that says "i love this person- they are awesome. i must never speak to them again.
i just wish that somewhere a long the line i had been given the ability to tell people, to express with words and gestures and actions just how much i love them.

Girl you are standing right in my own heart. I continuously push people away and then beat myself up inside for my actions. But the thing is, I do have the ability to tell people how much I love them, I just don't think it is enough to make up for the things I say when I'm mad.

step into the boat

03-31-2003, 11:47 PM	#1
dusty Minion of Satan Location: holding on. Posts: 5,932	a few things i need to get off of my chest. this thread was created soley for the purpose of making me feel better. i don't care if anyone reads this. i don't care if anyone replies. i don't care what happens to this thread after i post it, because i just need to talk. i just need to talk and pretend to myself that someone else is listening whether or not anyone actually is. often times when i find myself bitching about life, situations, and about other people i am ashamed to hear the cruel things that come out of my mouth. when i was child my mother was recovering from her long lived cocaine addiction. she went through each of the twelve steps of CA and AA, and she could never resist the urge to take me through them also. when i was twelve years old she went on this trip about how ungrateful i was. she made me make a "grateful list". this practice occurs in AA to help the addict realize that life is worth living and that they need to be more thankful and appreciative. she said that my grateful list was all wrong. that i was not appreciative of the things that i should be appreciative for. i remember writting that list and sticking her name way at the bottom. i thought that would show her. it did, and i just ended up hurting her. the whole thing sticks with me. now that i am older i can not tell if i really AM ungrateful, or if it was just something pounded into my head. something that resulted from living with a drug addict and then a recovering drug addict. sometimes people that i know now call me ungrateful. when they do that it takes me back to the prepubescent days of cold apartments and lonely nights. living with my mom, eating frozen pizza by candle light. i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. i used to be so fucking poetic. i used to make sense. i used to be smart and mysterious and interesting and now i am just loud and uneducated. what i intended to say... what i meant to say was that nowadays no matter how hard i try i always feel like i am pushing people away. it's like there's a little voice in my head that says "i love this person- they are awesome. i must never speak to them again." it's not even really a fear of commitment... it's just... a fear of... the loss of time. if that makes any sense at all. i was going to the counselling center that they have here at UCI for a while. but then i had to stop going. they had a limit of eight sessions per year and last quarter i went for fifteen sessions. i really reemed that place... i just wish that somewhere a long the line i had been given the ability to tell people, to express with words and gestures and actions just how much i love them. i say thank you all the time. but i never did really learn how to say thank you. but i realize now that when the whining starts, and the bitching and the ungratefulness, it's not really that i am unhappy with everyone else, it's that i'm unhappy with myself. i'm unhappy with the way that i do things and i'm unhappy with who i am. i feel that i am myself more than anyone else i know, but at the same time i am not myself at all. how can this be? it doesn't even make sense. and here the words come to rest on the ears and eyes of the deaf and mute. no one is listening right now, and maybe i don't mind. sometimes there is nothing more humiliating than having a shoulder to cry on. sometimes there is nothing more embarassing than looking someone in the eye who you confided in the night before. and then the cycle begins again and i find myself saying "i hate" instead of "i love."

03-31-2003, 11:54 PM	#3
Toby Just Hook it to My Veins! Location: the mtns Posts: 43,034	I think this pic is going to be HUGE! http://www.explodingdog.com/dumbpict51/cheerup.gif

04-01-2003, 01:37 AM	#8
spring die 'til it doesn't hurt Posts: 7,475	Hi, I know that probably my opinion doesn't matter much, since probably nobody here knows me anyway, but I was just reading your post, dusty, and I thought it was very touching. From my own experience, I can't say that I've been through things half as hard as what you've talked about, but I think I can imagine what it's like. What really bothers me is when great people have such low self esteem that they end up hurting themselves more than anyone or anything. We are always the harshest judges of ourselves, and unless we listen when someone tells us we're not that bad, things may not change in a lifetime. I think it's healthy to vent. I think spilling your heart out to somebody else shouldn't embarrass you that much. I think that some things we do are better left unjustified and unaccounted for in terms of guilt or regret. Like I said, it probably doesn't mean much, but just try to find a piece of blue sky just for yourself, and if optimism doesn't characterize you, at least let the dark thoughts fly away once in a while, pay no mind to them, and have better hopes for the future. take care of yourself. m. __________________ Son vrai nom est amitié.

04-01-2003, 03:35 AM	#9
dusty Minion of Satan Location: holding on. Posts: 5,932	netphoria: thank you. a lot .

04-01-2003, 12:51 PM	#15
ava transformer Apocalyptic Poster Location: A SAD, DARK PLACE Posts: 1,389	unfortunately, what u wrote feels like my life story. my mom was also on drugs for a very long time. i actually witnessed her transform from a PTA , bake sale baking mom, to a woman out of her mind on crank. there were times when i threw her drugs away, but at the time she violently attacked me. i also witnessed her attempts at suicide, which made an impact on me. so much that i was hospitalized at 14 for bringing a knife to school to kill myself. i hate that i see so much of her, during her crazy years, in myself & the way i react to things. i hate the fact that the apple did not fall far from the tree in this case. but i am also grateful that because of her, i don't do drugs or drink. i have occasionally done some things, here & there, but i never have to do be on something to have a good time when i go out. __________________ HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EAT STRAWBERRY PIE?!!!

03-31-2003, 11:51 PM	#2
palidor Apocalyptic Poster Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,073	http://www.eonline.com/Features/Feat...erds.urkel.gif

04-01-2003, 12:36 AM	#4
mirrar Braindead Location: in our bedroom, after the war. Posts: 19,826	what you're saying totally makes sense, actually. i'm glad i read it, and i'm not going to sit here and type out some generic "everything will be okay" bullshit for you, i'm just going to say that just by recognising things like that and being able to so clearly identify where your problems come from shows that you've got good coping and venting skills. best of luck to you in dealing with everything.

04-01-2003, 01:23 AM	#6
Caligula Demi-God Posts: 423	That sucks Red Wine Cage, because you're a fuckup, you need a lot of help.

04-01-2003, 03:37 AM	#10
Donkey Ownz Location: Roseland and Alabama Posts: 823	get your bra and shirt off your chest

04-01-2003, 03:45 AM	#11
Crippler Apocalyptic Poster Location: Up in this bitch Posts: 4,446	www.livejournal.com

04-01-2003, 03:04 PM	#16
noir cat Socialphobic Location: Hicksville, NY Posts: 11,699	Hey, deer. You are your own person and you are probably appreciative in your own way. I see that you love and appreciate Netphoria (but as to WHY you do, I will never understand )I very much identify with you in this post. Maybe you should write a short nonfiction story piece about it. But anyway. Feel better.

04-01-2003, 03:05 PM	#17
noir cat Socialphobic Location: Hicksville, NY Posts: 11,699	On the bright side, after this post, I see you in a new light as a sensitive and vulnerable being and I respect and appreciate you more.